chelle21689

I've been with my bf for 5 years but 2 years long distance. Things have been really good between us and I felt absolutely loved. No stress, nothing. Anyways, a couple days ago he gave me the password to his cell phone account online to manage things. He didn't realize it gave out detailed information.

I've had a bad habit of snooping in the past...very badly. So preventing history repeating itself, I told him immediately to change his password or I'll look through it. He told me he'll change it later. He didn't change it immediately so I looked through it all...

Phone calls were mostly me, minutes used were mostly to me. Nothing really. Then I looked at the text messages. For about 2-3 days he texted his (Army) female friend for several hours non stop. I know her number so I recognized it...I then saw that he texted another person for several hours non stop...someone across the country far away. I figured maybe it was an Army friend since they're scattered everywhere.

I confronted him why he texted these people so much. He said that texts are short and they accumulate and that they weren't like intimate deep conversations. It just bothers me because they were for several hours like every minute.

I looked up the other number I didn't recognize and paid money. It belonged to someone named Michael Lewis but I don't think that was the person he was texting but probably the person that pays the bills...I have a feeling it's a girl. I haven't asked my bf who it was yet. He texed others but not as much.. these days was when he was bored with no job before he left for training

Anyways, I'm trying to think if this is wrong. There have been times I've made male friends and could talk to for hours online without me having feelings or it being inappropriate. So I don't know if it's a different situation with texting.

I don't know what to do, I just want to know if these people he's been texting are involved with him romantically or what.

Borla

Read that part again. You've done the essentially the same thing. Were you wrong in doing so?

There is your answer.



The key breakdown in almost every relationship is communication. Be up front and honest with him, tell him about your concerns involving the other person he texted. But before you do that, ask yourself if you trust him and love him. If the answer is yes, then do it. Trust his answer and move on. And then stop snooping. If you are looking for a reason to be suspicious, you WILL find one, even if it's not reasonable, legitimate, or real.

__________________
Coimhéad fearg fhear na foighde!!!!

noodle

Leave it alone.
He trusted you.
Don't dig or you'll have to face the consequences.
On many, many levels.

__________________

Craven Morehead

You told him to change his password or you would snoop. He didn't change it and you snooped. Ever stop to think he didn't change it because he didn't have anything to hide?

The_Jazz

Wow, he really needs to break up with you and find someone more mature.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Shauk

I need to buy your boyfriend this shirt.



that said, this thread is reason #25155663 I don't do LD.

Baraka_Guru

I would handle this by looking into how to get over your insecurities. This often involves building self-esteem.

I think you snooped because of low self-esteem. Don't take this the wrong way. Many people have self-esteem issues.

You need to figure yourself out if you want to maintain a strong relationship with him.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Martian

Beat me to it.

How many of these threads are you going to do? It's the same thing all over again. Either you trust him or you don't. Clearly he's not bothered by any of this, which means it's still you're problem and you still need to just get over it.

You paid money to check up on the number he was calling, didn't like what you found and then proceeded to make up something that fit your little persecutory fantasy.

If he breaks up with you (and honestly, if it were me I would've already) you'll have no one to blame but yourself, though I'm sure you'll be convinced it was his fault.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

eribrav

You're lucky he hasn't dropped you like a hot rock, because that's what I would do.

LordEden

Glad someone said it. That is pure "QFT" material there.

Based on the two threads you have started on here, you might as well break up because your insecurities are going to kill whatever relationship you two have.

There are a few things that jumped out at me.

One, you snooped. Snooping is bad. BAD. B. A. D. In other words, don't fucking do it. Search this forum for snooping and see how all the OP's relationships worked out after they snooped. You either trust him or you don't. Looks like you don't, which is going to kill your relationship.

Two, not only do you not trust him, but you paid MONEY for some hookey internet lookup service just to prove that he was cheating on you. What's next? Private investigator to follow him around? Pay someone on the army base to watch his ever move?

Three, I've had text message conversations that last 50+ messages just to figure out what restaurant we wanted to eat at. Isn't this the same girl that let's him crash on the couch (correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's her parent's house too)? If he was going to have a "screw that girl I've been seeing forever, let's bone" conversation... wouldn't he have it face to face?

You really need to find some way to curve your raging insecurity, it's pretty much going to be a game breaker for every relationship you will ever have.

Then again, you most likely will ignore everyone's advice on here, seems like you didn't listen to anyone in the last thread.

Good luck on that.


******

Or what martian said if you tl;dr my post.

__________________
Vice-President of the CinnamonGirl Fan Club - The Meat of the Zombiesquirrel and CinnamonGirl Sandwich

The_Jazz

Once upon a time, there was a young woman here at TFP. She posted a bunch of intimate details of her life, including that she had an STD and a MFM threesome, then she posted some intimate pictures.

Then one day she started a new relationship with what I can only assume is the male version of the OP. Given that the young lady in question wasn't the most mature herself, she freaked out when her new beau snooped and found out a bunch of stuff about her. And even more freaked out when he figured out that she wasn't a virgin.

Seems like this is a much shorter version of that episode. Only this one has less color, fewer naked pictures and is generally much less interesting.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Baraka_Guru

Wow, you guys are so fatalist.

She was looking for advice, not a sermon.

She has issues. She already said that. Why not move on to the next step already?

The title of the thread asks "How would you handle this?" not "What do you guys think of me? lol"

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Martian

I've already offered advice. I offered advice in the other thread that's basically this with different window dressings.

The advice goes like this:

Your insecurities are destroying your relationship. Find a way to be okay with your boyfriend hanging out with other women before he gets tired of the accusations and drama and dumps your ass.

Everything else is just me amusing myself, since there's really nothing else to say on the subject.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Pearl Trade

Maybe half of his many messages were simple replies like "lol" or "awesome." Stop digging, you'll find something you don't like.

He obviously has nothing to hide or else he wouldn't have given you his passwords. I bet he thought about it before giving you the codes, "do I have anything self incriminating that she can find?" His answer was no, so he gave it to you. Relax, he's clean.

You have a serious problem with irrational fear, also known as a phobia. I don't know how you'd fix it, but when you do, let us know.

__________________

Our revenge will be the laughter of our children.
Give me convenience or give me death!

guy44

Holy crap, you did a lot of snooping. What really stood out to me is that you paid money to check who he was texting, discovered the phone belonged to a guy, and still think he must have been conversing with a woman.

That indicates to me that you have very deep-seated issues with trust and insecurity. I think you might want to look into therapy, if only to begin to identify the origin of these feelings. You're not necessarily a bad person for what you have done, but I think you might want to take some concrete steps towards self-improvement.

__________________
"You have reached Ritual Sacrifice. For goats press one, or say 'goats.'"

Plan9

Bitter irony from the male responses aside, I can almost see my former partners going through my stuff with the same type of estrogen-and-Cosmo-fueled mania.

G5_Todd

If I was him I would dump you, just like I dumped the last insecure girl that went on my cell phone and read a message out of context and confronted me on it...

I could never be with someone that has trust issues...if you like the guy you should apologize and try not to be so insecure...

__________________
"....and when you men get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy."

-General Franks

dlish

you're asking for advice right?

grow the fuck up!


You'd be long gone if he was actually screwing someone else.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

DR132

assuming the mutual feelings of love are present, trust and honesty are by far the most important ingredients to a strong relationship...without mutual trust and honesty you might as well be back in high school or be simple fuck buddies

genuinegirly

I wouldn't have looked in the first place. But, here's how to handle it now:
- step back and take a deep breath.
- think about whether you really love him or not.
- give yourself enough time to cool down before seeing him so you don't accidentally say something stupid.
- consider yourself lucky that you have a guy that shares his phone records with you - he has nothing to hide.
- become comfortable with the idea that he isn't out to hurt you.
- evaluate your actions and your approach to the relationship, change behaviors that might drive him away.
- find happiness in your relationship.

chelle21689

No, it's not the same girl. It's some other person. Like I said, I have a really hard time to not snoop and I even told him to change the password because I know that I would snoop. Honestly, I know everyone thinks its wrong but I don't see anything wrong if he looks into my account because I have nothing to hide.

I guess I am confused at who's advice to take b/c if I come to this board everyone tells me I'm wrong. If I go to another board everyone tells me the opposite. I thought about it, and I called him and apologized and he said that it's okay as long as I understand. On my defense, when I wasn't snooping I did find an inappropriate picture of him sent to another girl years ago so I think that's when it started. But it never happened again after it hurt. But I guess I started snooping and be jealous if he told a girl how hot she was...but really, you don't do that in a relationship. But I guess if he was as "insecure" as me as you guys would say I am, if he looked through my stuff he'd find something to question, be jealous of, and worry if guys told me how hot I was and to get with them even if I declined or if they were being a little flirty.

We have been doing really good for a couple of months until the whole cell phone thing. We both didn't want to talk about this b/c we didn't want the good time to end. I think he realizes how hard it is but I guess I should try to remember that he really wants to be with me (even though you guys think I'm crazy lol..)

Pearl Trade

A little self-discipline goes a long way. Resist the urge to look where you shouldn't.

Maybe he doesn't want to look into your account, because he doesn't care. Give him your password, see if he actually does check your stuff. The smart money says he doesn't even look.

Besides that, he probably feels the same way: "I don't care if she looks, I have nothing to hide."

__________________

Our revenge will be the laughter of our children.
Give me convenience or give me death!

chelle21689

He told me to have self discipline and he told me he had no sympathy for how sad I felt because I brought it upon myself and that I should've had more control. I did give him my passwords before but he never cared to look at it. I even told him maybe I should have him look through my stuff and nitpick each message from a guy or whatever but he didn't want to. I think this is almost as bad as cheating (betraying trust) to him but it's really hard for me to see why it's wrong and I'm trying to see.

Back then when I had the pw to his Myspace he would have me check his messages for him or pic comments. I'm going to see OTHER messages on display, and it'd be hard for me to not click when the subject seems a bit inappropriate. That's his fault also.

Oh, and right after we had this huge cell phone argument, he wanted me to go back online and pay his bill if he changed his password again! So he didn't learn his lesson the first time too (unless he tried testing me again). I told him that I don't want to pay his bill online for him if I have the password cuz like I said I WILL SNOOP. Haha, on my defense...when he was here I had the opportunity to look through his phone and Facebook but I didn't.

Greyfurgang

Ignorance is bliss. If you don't know something it can't eat at you. Just remember how much better you felt before you snooped. If he is fooling around on you it will come out in the end and the only thing that will truly be hurt is your pride and if he isn't it will all go away as long as you realize it and let it go.

__________________


Some days it not even worth chewing through the restraints.

ASU2003

Career Opportunities at the National Security Agency (NSA)

I hear that they are hiring.

Trust but verify. You verified, now trust him until you find something else.

snowy

We are giving you different advice because we are a discussion community that prides itself on MATURE discussion, unlike most other places on the Internet. If you yourself are not mature, you are unlikely to find advice you agree with here.

Snooping is wrong, period. Either you trust your partner or you don't, plain and simple. I don't snoop in my husband's stuff, he doesn't snoop in mine--we TRUST each other.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Plan9

Didn't Manic and I have a go 'round on this exact topic like 3 months ago?

chelle21689

lol asu2003 my bf was serious about recommending a career that had to do with investigative work when I didn't know what to do with my life.

I do like the advice on here even though it's blunt.

MSD

I've held inane conversations with the guys for hours on end. I once sent 700 messages in an hour. This is one of those things people do with friends when they're bored. If you saw it in a format like an instant messenger log, you'd be bored to tears. Texting is the new IM.
No. Being a couple means you need to trust each other. If you define cheating as kissing or anything more, then you stay to those limits (and that's the most strict I go because who the fuck hasn't danced with friends while out and drunk?) If you're an adult and talking with friends is a problem, you're mentally stuck in middle school and need to get over your insecurity.
Again, not being able to trust someone because they're talking to people of the opposite sex is middle school mentality at best. It doesn't matter whether you give him your passwords and whether or not he checks up on you, if you can't accept his word at face value when he says he's just talking with friends, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him.

CinnamonGirl

This line bothers me. There wasn't a lesson that needed to be learned on his end.

I'm also curious as to whether this other forum that's giving you different advice is populated by high-schoolers.

__________________
"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

DR132

ok...roughly 50% of the people you will come across are of the opposite sex and, unless you are absolutely repellent, some of them will be friends of yours...there's nothing wrong with this, it's actually quite normal and healthy to have friends of the opposite sex...some of them will probably even become pretty close friends with whom you joke and play around with, this is also healthy and normal...in my experience, a big part of joking and playing around is often seen as flirting by others, especially the jealous types...as a jealous significant other of your boyfriend you're just going to have to figure out how to come to terms with that...if you confront him about it and ask him straight up, as bluntly as possible what his relationship with this female friend is he should answer honestly...convince him that you want complete honesty and that you won't care what he says, you just want the truth, if he's dishonest after that, he's a piece of shit...dishonesty and lack of trust is going to tear your relationship apart and any future relationships you have as well

chelle21689

Hm, Dr. That response seemed to fit more towards my other post not this one lol. Well he claims he's not attracted and that it's acknowledged between them, they don't touch (they don't even hug) and that it'd just be weird if they got together, etc. etc.

Cinnamon girl lol...I used answers.yahoo...that's why I came here. Haha.

CinnamonGirl

*facepalm* Don't use yahoo answers for anything. AAAANNNNYYYYTHIIIIIIING!

__________________
"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

dlish

i love how you use "on my defence" as an argument to validate what you have or havent done.

you have no defence!

he is not at fault for anything. you're the one with the self esteem/ trust issues, you're the one snooping around.

just to get you a little more paranoid...maybe he doesnt give a shit because, he really doesnt give a shit about your relationship. have you thought of that one?

/flick

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Plan9

Dlish, don't be more of an asshole than your Super Moderator status can wipe.

monkeysugar

Are you *trying* to get him to dump you? If not...read the responses to this thread, many, many times, and take them to heart. You're well on your way to becoming the psycho ex-girlfriend that he really doesn't want to talk about with the new girl he ends up banging after he kicks your ass to the curb. It might end up being the friend of his that you're obsessing about him sleeping with/being emotionally attatched/ etc. etc. etc....that almost certainly won't be the case, but who knows...maybe he ends up doing it out of spite against you, to make you feel better that you were right. Actually that's 99.999% not going to happen, especially when he's explained that very thoroughly and very explicitly on many different occasions that he is not interested in her. Take some solace in the following fact: *if he were to be bumping uglies with her, or anyone else he would not still be with you.* End. Of. Story. They are friends, he doesn't want to fuck her, get over it. I know that's harsh, but it's the truth...and that's putting it nicely. While you're at it, read the responses to the rest of the threads you've started. Re-read them, actually read them for their content and intended messages, not whatever rationalization for your actions that you somehow can find in them while completely ignoring the general and overall consensus that you really and truly just need to grow up and get over your insecurities, or dump his ass and move on with your life, and let him do the same. He has been deployed/assigned somewhere far away from you. Do you really think that doesn't affect him at all? He's the one who is actually off somewhere away from everyone he knows, with little to no influence on where he ends up going. Do you really think that questioning his every action and invading his privacy in order to "call him out" on something he's told you he's not even doing are helping his situation at all? I'd imagine it's probably making the situation a lot worse. You could listen to him, and believe him, or you could just keep doing what you're doing and drive him away completely. Or you could just keep going on yahoo answers and keep getting the answers that you want to get, and completely disregard the information, advice and experience that you get here. When all is said and done, it all comes down to the same issues, the same story, the same people, the same threads, and nobody here is stupid enough to believe it's anything different. Seriously, it doesn't seem like you're actually looking for answers. You're looking for support and rationalization for your decisions. Sorry, not gonna happen here. So gain/learn something from the people who are actually trying to help you, or keep doing what you're doing and drive him completely out of your life.

__________________
I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

dlish

holy shit! im a super mod now?

im a member first and mod second. i post as anyone else would.

i guess the asshole-ishness rubs off from you're dad

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Plan9

I know, right? Rumor has that is where Eden gets his sex tips.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Cimarron29414

I don't think I have ever wished more for a relationship to end. What's worse, I don't even feel bad about wishing.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

chelle21689

Okay okay jeez. I get it you guys fuckin hate me and I'm the most terrible person in the world yeah I got it.

I