Mikado

I don't post too often, I've been a member for a while but never been very vocal, however recently I've come across a situation that I'm at a complete loss for. I was hoping to get some feedback from the community and see if anyone else has been through similar experiences. If there's already a post about the subject please direct me in the proper direction. I was unable to find anything using the search feature.

The situation I've come across is a long story, but the latest revelation is what I'm having trouble with. Throughout my past there's been one girl that has been "the one that got away." I was head over heels for her, but the timing was never right. She ended up getting married and I thought that was the end of it. Recently I found out that she's getting a divorce. After two years the marriage was a mess. We ended up getting back in touch and have discussed rekindling our relationship. Both of us still have feelings for each other and would like to see where it takes us.

The problem is that after talking to her over the phone (it's a long distance situation temporarily) and visiting a few times, she revealed to me that she contracted Herpes from her husband. He's the only man she's been with and he swore he had no idea he was infected. Of course it was eventually revealed that he had numerous unprotected partners over the years but never felt to disclose that information to her. That's another story entirely.

Right now I'm in a state of shock. Here I was thinking that after all these years we might actually have a go at it. That we'd actually get to explore our feelings for each other. But I don't know if I can do that now. So many questions and concerns come to mind. There's no guarantee that even with protection and abstinence during outbreaks that I'll remain clean. There's no opportunity for spontaneity. More than likely too much risk for oral sex. If things progressed far enough, to the point of marriage and children, I'd have no choice but to expose myself. That wouldn't be a problem as long as things continued to work out between us. If we ever split or divorced for any reason, I've now got to explain to the next woman in my life that I'm infected. Now she's got to go through the same thought process I'm going through now which could lead to her not be interested in a relationship.

At the same time I don't want to be the insensitive prick that dropped the relationship so quickly and suddenly. We've got a lot of history together but honestly this is a big deal breaker for me. I'm curious if anyone has had or currently has a partner that is infected with some form of an STD. What's the relationship like after the revelation? Do you feel the relationship is worth the risk of infection to yourself? Have you been able to have a solid intimate relationship? I've got so many questions and I don't really know who to ask them to.

Thanks for listening.

Jinn

Emphasis mine. I bolded that, because it's important. If she's not yet divorced, the complication is far more complicated than you think. I could see not pursuing a relationship simply because she's so recently in a relationship, and needs time to extract herself from a failed marriage. People take a lot of time to become "normal" again, and there would be a lot of work involved in building a relationship between you to. For all you know, they could think about trying it again two months from now.

If you're truly unable to deal with her condition but you just don't want to let that make you seem like an asshole, use the excuse that she's still involved as the reason. Or let the fact that you've been apart so long be the reason.

I personally wouldn't proceed further, simply because of the condition and the complication of being in/recently out of a marriage -- even if she was a fantastic woman back then, theres nothing saying you won't find out something she does now that you don't like.

I'd back away slowly, in concern for her feelings, but I wouldn't pursue it further.

That's just my 2 cents, tho..

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dirtyrascal7

I've never been in a situation like this before, so I'm having a hard time imagining what I'd do and therefore I'm having a hard time thinking of some good advice. However, two things do come to mind...

1. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe the fact that she has herpes is a blessing in disguise and will save you from making a mistake by persuing something with her.

2. At least it's not HIV. Yeah, herpes isn't anything to joke about... but at least you can live a full life with it. I know it doesn't really help you solve your problem, but at least you know things could always be worse.

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analog

Step 1 if you even consider putting your penis anywhere near her is make sure she's been tested for all STD's, and not just that she was diagnosed with herpes. If he had many partners and "didn't even know" he had herpes, he could "not know" he had something else, too.

Dilbert1234567

First, I’m seconding Analog.

Secondly, I'll be the first to say if you are seriously considering being with her, both of you should go see a doctor, discus it with them in detail about the risk, and the consequence. You will get the complete facts there. Condoms and precautions can limit the exposure, but there will always be a risk, talk with your doctor to find out the risk, I remember being told that it is easier for a gal to get an STD then a guy (fluid flow direction) still, I don’t think it’s a good idea to risk it.

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Willravel

I'm sorry you're in this predicament. STDs have always been on my list of absolute no-nos, but not everyone shares that. Do not shag when she's broken out, and always use a condom and medication when she's not. A decent vaccine is still maybe 3-5 years out, but the most she can do now is take drugs that effect the severity and duration of outbreaks. I would strongly suggest that she be very serious about eating healthy and exercising regularly, as it can assist the immune system.

As for your decision? All I can really do is tell you what I'd do and why, but you're not me, so take it with a grain of salt. I would at the very least wait until her divorce is final, and I'd still probably not get back with her. While I know all about the 'one that got away' syndrome, I cannot in good faith start in and 1) run the risk of being a rebound, 2) run the risk of heading the same direction that it took last time, and 3) run the risk of getting herpes. That herpes is nothing to sneeze at.

Best of luck.

Carno

I'd stay away. Unfortunate, but I'd rather not get a disease.

Mikado

Thanks for the replies thus far guys. I appreciate it. It's been a rough couple of days trying to sift through all the thoughts and feelings. Jinn, I agree with you completely on the divorce issue. Before the revelation I made it clear that things needed to progress slowly. I think it was fortunate for us that she lives a good distance away so that we were forced to spend time apart. I really wanted to make sure she dealt with the divorce and had time to figure out what she was feeling and going through. Although all this seems minuscule given the current predicament. Also I honestly don't see them getting back together either seeing as he's currently locked up at the moment. This guy is a real prize piece if you haven't caught on to that yet.

I had a chance to discuss the situation with my family recently and their first suggestion was not to give up too quickly. They felt we should let things progress naturally and see where the relationship goes. Like I said we have a history together so she's close to my family, almost like she's their daughter already. They were just as devastated by the news as I was. I'm inclined to agree with them to an extent, I wouldn't have agreed to a relationship after the divorce had I not felt there was some potential for the long term between us. I'm pushing 30 this year so I'm not just dating to be dating. If we're going to start up a relationship it's with the intention of determining if she's someone I can spend the rest of my life with or not.

The problem is that I do feel like I could fall for her all over again. She's really a great girl and has so many qualities that I admire. I'm torn over whether this one piece of "baggage" is enough to topple every other aspect I love. I just don't know that I'm ready to take on the risk associated with the relationship. It tears me up to have to make a decision over this. On one hand if there's potential here for an amazing future together, then how do I say no? On the other there's so many risks and sacrifices involved I just don't know how well the relationship would hold up. I almost wish she had never got back in touch with me when she started with the divorce.

pig

can you be her friend for a while? she's in a sticky situation; i would relax the emphasis on being "together" and focus on just being "there for her." it seems to me that you're making this a little more drastic than you need to. she knows she's in a dicey situation. so do you. don't ignore it.

in the meantime, i would observe her behavior and reflect on her behavior in previous relationships; people sometimes change once they're "involved." i would educate myself on herpes beyond anything you find on these boards. from what i know, it has some affect on your life expectancy, but if you stay together, its manageable. if you don't...

so be friends. evaluate.

at some point you have to make that decision; but you've had a lot of knowledge dropped on you in a hurry, and given current circumstances, i don't think you really have to make an immediate decision.

you'll be there for her. in what sense you'll be there, time will tell.

good luck.

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little_tippler

I feel sorry for the girl.

Imagine how she feels. She has only ever been with one man and now she has this cross to carry, probably forever. It doesn't make her a bad person or any less worth being with. She's still as great as you remember right? She has also been upfront and told you. I'm sure a lot of people might not be so honest. I mean so much casual sex goes on all over the world, do you really think those about 50% of the population who have genital herpes, or HPV, or HIV (not an exact figure but a compounded ball-park one) go around telling every single partner they have it? No, they don't.

I understand you wanting to be protected and not being sure whether you want to put yourself at risk, especially not knowing whether it will last (but we never know anyway, in any situation), but if she's that important to you, maybe give her a chance. And by the way, safe sex is a myth. So is safe living. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Just want to say also, that no-one can blame you whatever decision you take. We're only human.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
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And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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boink

wow, I haven't been on this board for an AGE but my log in worked !

so, now to your issue. I posted about this way back when someone asked 'whos gonna fuck my deseased ass now' or something to that effect.

my situation was, after 3 years, I got HS2 from my gf who lied to me about having it. she lied cause she was too insecure and ahem, loved me too much to take a chance I'd leave.

well, we'd made it through 3 years w/o protection just fine. bj's and all. what happend was, one night she cut me with her tooth during a bj and then we screwed...yeah, it hurt some but we were on a roll, I didn't even mention it.
somehow we didn't transmit through harsh panties pushed aside abrasive lace scrubbing sex on many occasion.

but that cut was the thing that let it through. if I'd have known she had H, we could have stoped...but she hadn't told me and now we're all in the shit together.

for me, it was really tough..part of me wanted to kill her, but part of me felt so sad she'd held this secret for so long...that she was so insecure. whatever...this was 3 yearsinto a ten year relationship....after the infection happend, the sexual part of the relationship slowly died off...I must say her dishonisty slowly turned me off to her. trust is #1 so since your lady is up front, well...at least you have trust and w/o that ya got ZIPPO !

from what I've read, H2 strongly prefers to live in the sex organs, NOT the mouth. very hard to trasmit genital to oral and if transmitted, outbreaks are extreemly uncommon. i.e after the first ob, it's very unlikely to ob again.

H1 seems actually worse to have...but it's way more common. cold sores are H

genital H or H2 is common too,lots of people have it and don't know. some are without any visible symptoms ever. but they can shed the virus...from the entire boxer short area so I'm told...so...rubbers arn't necessarily effective. like, the rubber dosn't cover past the shaft and her ob is just past that...
after having 3 years w/o transmission, I think you can have a relationship w sex and oral and be ok. but you gotta be awair and more careful. dont eat her during an ob of course. the rest of the time...try and was before you eat her.

if she'g got H1 too, don't get a bj while she's got a cold sore (an H1 ob)

here's a forum about H I read when I got it
http://www.racoon.com/herpes/

some scarry stories, some not...a place to lurk through and find some links anyway.

if you do go for it and find long lasting love...you'll see her go through an ob, you'll know what it's all about. different people react differently...I mean their bodies, but obs are stress related too so the mental aspect shurly plays a part.

for me...each year my body has built up more immunity to fight an ob. I have one about 1-2 times every 1-2 years. what I actually go through is...
itchy...then 3-6 little zits like pimpels...they open, they don't hurt they slowly close up and turn to regular scabs and flake off. then theres a dry spot...sorta chapped for a week while the current skin dies and flakes off.
the whole deal lasts about 14-20 days. during this time I'm a little extra tired and have sore muscles around my lower back and thighs.

sorry to get graphic...but that's how it works for me. your mileage may vary.

if I was back at square one would I have continued w/ my gf ? I doubt it but we didn't click 100% anyway. if I'd been with someone I did love 100% I'd seriously concider taking the risk. there is suposedly a vaccine I'm told. I haven't researched it cause I'm still...well...just now broke off with her :'( I care for her alot but I just don't feel like I want to as far as a mental connection is concerned. I did my best to make it work..ten frekin years.

anyway...I dunno if that helps you any in your thoughts. now I'm potentially on my own to seek a new woman and I don't know how that'll play out. I do know if I get even close to making out or whatever, I'll be fully up front about what I have. there's no way in hell I'll ever let someone walk into this w/o knoledge.

I think in reality, if it's really love, the safety issue will get lazy. but I also think it's not too tough to do the things needed to prevent transmission as best as possible. the hardest part is the mental block...the idea your junk is now corrupted for ever. it's a real bummer if you cant even jack off cause of an ob. off limits to your own damn self...never thought I'd see that day.
oh and I've never taken any of those drugs on tv and my ob's are mild. they are expensive...if you did get H it might effect your health inchurance too...I don't have any myself.

if you have a love that can overcome this...that'd be the best ever.

surferlove007

I wouldn't proceed in all honesty. It's scary just getting to know someone and then finding out stuff like that. It would be a deal-breaker for me. 110% Itching downstairs during a yeast infection is awful, I can't imagine breakouts and such. You should consider your health among anyone else. Besides how do you know it won't turn into a vicious cycle with her? She's with you for a while and then someone new...just seems like too much of a risk. There are so many other women out there without the happies...I'd suggest to continue the search. Let this one go back to the ocean...

frikirk

My girlfriend had the full suite of STD tests before we were sexually active with each other. In the past she had once tested positive for HPV but other than that, she tells me she has never tested positive for anything. Meanwhile I'd never slept with anyone or anything more than kissing a girl on 3 occasions. So we proceeded with our sexual relationship and I didn't bother getting a STD test because I'd never been sexually active. After about 6 months we broke up and I decided to get a test to see if I'd picked up anything and tests revealed I had HS2. I never have shown any symptoms or pain and aside from the whole stigma of it herpes has never affected me. My main worry is that I could infect my future wife and then when she's pregnant she could pass it onto the child during birth. Even today my girlfriend still tests negative to HS2 so there a 3 possibilities.

1. She has it but the test doesn't reveal it
2. I don't have it but the test doesn't reveal it, or there's different types of HS2 with different degrees of seriousness (although I haven't found anything to confirm this)
3. I didn't get it from her, I got it from my mother or when I kissed a girl once or some other way - a toilet seat maybe or through sport. Maybe my outbreaks are non genital or just too hard to notice.

It's bad and avoid it like the plague but it doesn't end your life and it's not always a practically serious condition.

My advice to you though is have a relationship with her not based on any sex for a long while. Long enough for her to get over the divorce and long enough for you to both work out if it's worth risking you getting infected. I think if the other ingredients in your relationship are right then it's all worth the risk.

c172g

I dated a girl who had them, she was very up front about it, and I'm thrilled I did. I wound up marrying her. Great story, but I'll deal with the inconveniences of herpes any day for the 15 great years & two kids we've had.

When I came down with them (you can get them any time you have unprotected sex by the way, a recent study said 70% of the people got them when their partner DID NOT have symptoms) I got sicker than I've ever been in my life, for about a week.

Since then, I break out 4-8 times per year roughly, her about the same. I actually found Ecinacea shortens my outbreaks of all things (I only take it when I feel like I'm coming down with a cold, but then had both at the same time, and bingo, 3 day outbreak).

A minor inconvenience yes, and a lot to think through before you go any further. You'll never know unless you try, but try & you might wind up with a lifelong disease. Tough cart to be in...good luck with your decision.

I guess the reason for my reply is just to let you know that if you do get them, it really won't change your life either way. If you're dating & have them, I can see that as a major downer, but I have no problem dealing with them. There are no other ill side-effects aside from some pain during an outbreak, and that's pretty minor. We still have sex when broken out, we just use protection so things don't get spread any more than they are. I thought long & hard (??) about it when she informed me, but I had a pretty good idea of where we were going right away.

Once again, good luck in your decision.

genuinegirly

How much of an unconditional friend are you willing to become? Would you be able to handle being her friend at the end of the day if you decide not to be her SO? If you decide to be her friend through anything, then stick to her. If you're only looking for a relationship - this is far from what she needs right now - get out. You have a while to decide if you want the relationship. Divorce papers take a while to process. Emotions take much longer to sift through. She will have a rougher time if a trusted male friend decides to stop being her friend. You need to decide now that you're willing to be her friend. That's all. One step at a time.

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Mikado

Thanks for your feedback c172g. I guess that's kind of the information I'm looking for. What's it like living with it? How easily and quickly did you pick it up? Things like that. Genuine, to answer your question, there's no doubt that I'd continue to be her friend and support her in any way that I can. The only reason we lost touch for so long to begin with was a combination of long distance and her marriage to the jerk she was with.

My dad gave me some advice the other night that struck a cord with me. He told me that everyone has their "warts", that one thing wrong with them that you have to decide for yourself if you can get past it. Maybe it's not herpes but it could be something as simple as bad breath, big ears, crazy parents, she's already pregnant, or at my age maybe she already has a child or two. He thought we should at least proceed with the relationship when the time was right and make a point to abstain from sex until I had a better idea of just how serious the relationship was going to turn out.

If she turns out to be an incredible girl in every other aspect, then could I not learn to live with her current condition? It's not life threatening but it would be something I'd have to deal with, just like if she previously had kids or some other "wart". Obviously the fact that this is a disease it makes it slightly different than the other examples he gave, but I see where he's coming from. On top of that there are millions of people living full lives with the disease. If she's the right girl, and assuming I do end up contracting the disease, could I not be one of the millions living a full life with it as well?

I guess I'm leaning towards continuing to pursue things with her. Though I still want to make sure it's done right, and that she has time to settle the divorce and make sure she's truly ready to move on to another relationship. My parents are a little old fashioned and think we should abstain regardless, but that's the only hang-up I'm currently having. Not that I couldn't maintain a relationship without it, but it is an important aspect for me. Thanks again for the replies so far. I'm starting to feel better about the situation but I've still got a lot of thinking to do.

c172g

What's it like living with it? How easily and quickly did you pick it up?

Not a big deal at all. My symptoms are like this...just before an outbreak, you get a VERY sensitive feeling where you are about to break out...for me (maybe too much info) it's a spot on my dick about the size of a quarter, about mid-shaft. When it starts feeling sensitive, I start taking Ecinachea. Since I started doing that, the whole process lasts maybe 3-5 days, sometimes a little more. Without anything, probably a week to 10 days. With a full-fledged outbreak, the sensitive area gets red over the next day or so, then the sores start popping out (similar to a water blister I guess I'd call it). The skin there is obviously very thin, so they don't stay in tact for long before they pop, then you develop a nice sore, which takes 3-5 days before it goes away.

With a shorter duration on Ecinachea, the sores never really get full blown, mine seem to stay about the size of the head of a pin, and therefore it takes a lot less time for them to go away.

This happens roughly every 2-3 months, if you get sick it happens more often, whenever you are really, really taxed & wiped out.

Like I said, we simply use condoms, it's not like you can't perform due to it, it's just a little distracting because there is some pain (I'd put it at a 2 on a scale of 10). On the plus side, the pain limits your sensitivity, therefore you last longer.

How easily did I pick it up? Well, after we had dated for probably 3 months I was 100% sure we'd get married, so we got a little careless. Although our only method of birth control was condoms, we had several times that we started with nothing. We never had unprotected sex when she was broken out, and she was always very up front with me. It was probably 6 months into the relationship when I came down with it the first time (and it was nasty sick when it did happen, other people I've talked to barely knew it was happening).

My advice would be this...if you do get into a sexual relationship, expect to pick it up no matter how careful you are. Be prepared to have something for life as a little "reminder" of the relationship, because once you have it, you can't get rid of it.

Personally, I consider it a minor inconvenience to my life. I have to be very careful around the kids when I'm broken out, I don't know any hard facts as to whether it's transmittable on fingers & such, but I sure don't want my kids to inherit it obviously. Aside from that, not a problem at all, there are several STD's out there that can cause much bigger problems (like warts for women) than what herpes does to you.

There's my two cents worth & a whole lot more...hope it helps.

boink

Hey c172g, this Ecinachea your using...what form does it come in ? I'd like to have a go with it too.

Mikado, again, it took me 3 years to get it..I know cause it started w/ a nasty cold/flu like episode too. my gf hid it from me so I hadn't been using condoms at all after about 3 months into the relationship.

and as I said, my ourbreaks only happen about once a year.

I go back and forth about it.. a day or so after I posted...I was thinking...tell your friend you love her and then...run screeming !!

I dunno about c172g, but heh...I just dont feel sexy with an open sore on my unit....with a rubber...sorry....rain check on that one.

it's just me and my feelings about people these days...but I'm not shure I trust people when they say 'forever' and marrage has never shown me forever means diddly squat....havn't been married myself...but my friends have and more than once...parents divorced etc...so...I dunno. someday, everyone will have it. too many do w/o knowing or caring.

think...she leaves you...you have H now. how and at what point would you introduce this factor into a new potential partner ? bearing in mid...often sex happens after people have been loosend up from a drink..or 3. you are hesitant to make moves...you know why, she gets anxious and makes a play...then what ? hell, it goes through my mind all the time.

or...being alone again with H, an outbreak occures and dang ! you can't even punish the weasel ! I mean...ya want to go hiking with an open blister on your heel ?...ok maybe not that painfull but I'd just asoon have NO pain on my unit.

also...from what I've read, it's very hard to transmit H2 (genital) to the mouth, so I've read anyway...that in mind...I still can't imagine asking a new girl to go a few rounds toung wraslin' my li'll buddy...profoundly sad indeed. some women are bold...they might just head on down on their own...what do ya do then...'scuse me mam but I'm fine I think at the moment, but I do have Herpies Simplex 2 ! just figgerd I'd give ya a heads up.

no disrespect intended in the language...just my manner I spose.

c172g

I just grab ecinachea off the shelf at the drug store. Pill form. My mom swears that when you start feeling like you are getting a cold, pop two a day & the duration will be shorter than usual. I found it has the same results for me with outbreaks.

As for having sex while broken out, my sores are usually open only for a very short time, plus we're married with kids, so when the opportunity arises, we take advantage of it.

As for oral sex, we've been going at it for 15 years and nothing has ever spread anywhere. Obviously we don't do any of that if we're feeling icky, but aside from that we don't hesitate.