thelifeandtimes

Here is my story. I am coming to the last part of my senior year in high school, and I've been with an amazing girl since the middle of my junior year. We are both rather different in terms of our personas. I am the whole creative and artistic one that is romantic at heart, while she is the sporty, girly, physical type stuff. Our interests and personalities offset eachothers and made for a good pairing. We've been dating for a month shy of year. We were really good friends for nearly a year and a half before we started dating, so we started off with a fairly strong foundation of trust and all around relationship skills. The first several months of us dating, we were very close, physically and mentally. We were in that whole "hot and heavy stage". We would spend every day together, and even more during the summer. It was a fairy tale relationship.

Eventually both of our feelings went from just liking each other to a true love, something neither one of us had planned, but were ok with it nevertheless. The introduction of love into our relationship didn't change much, just a bit more connection on mental and physical levels. Soon after she sat me down and said that she was getting scared and she doesn't want to get to far into this, because as she loosely stated, she has a flightly relationship pattern. So I told her we can keep going and see what we can make of this or give up, and on her own, she decided to keep going. So we were good for a long while more, not so hot and heavy, but still, good. We now passed into the stage of the relationship where there was more work to be done. we no longer could just sail through it like the previous months.

Then comes the end of January. We get into this huge fight about me acting differently and she was claiming she wasn't dating the same person as when we first started to date. I admit, I was acting diiferent, but I was dealing with a lot at the time. I just lost my job of over a year, my mom was struggling with severe depression, and I was trying to deal with the lose of my best friend. She brought all this out and somewhat attacked me with it saying we both need to sort things out. So she introduced the relationship break. I didn't want it, but I couldn't fight it, so I went with it. Then the break was over, then 3 days later, she tells me we dont have anything left to teach each other and used the same explanation as before. That night I ws on the phone with her for nearly 2 hours trying to get to the bottom of it all, which I finnaly did. She told me she was scared and didn't know what she was doing, and said that she made a huge mistake. So we ended up back together that same night. Again I thought everything was going to end up good. I was wrong once more.

After our day break up, we were very good, strong, healthy, you name it. Then she drops a bombshell on me last night and tells me she doesn't want tjis anymore because she wants to try new things and doesn't want commitment at such a young age. She told me she just wants to be another high school senior. She basically told me she wants to party and see other people. Then she continued on to say she didn't think we would even last this long, and the reason we didn't end sooner is because she was waiting for me to conceide and give it all up. Then she asks me to give her a few months to get everything together for her. Needless to say, I was stunned.

So here is my dilemma, what should I do with this now? Should I still be there for her? I don't plan on waiting around for her to get her life together, but is that the right choice? Please help me on this, anything will do because at this point I am beyond confused. Thank you for reading my wall of text.

MexicanOnABike

it seems as though she's not mature enough to be in a serious relationship.

don't be with someone who doesnt want the same things as you. move on.

shesus

First of all you are both very young. I think that she has the right idea not to be tied down with one person. I think she is doing you a favor. You both will go through a lot of changes in the next few years and if there are already changes occurring I would say it's not going to last long anyway. Still be her friend, but you both should not be tied down at this time of your life. Of course, this is my opinion. Some people marry their high school sweethearts and are happy after many years.

I know that I got engaged to my high school sweetheart the December after high school graduation. We changed so much that the relationship was not able to be saved. Looking back I don't regret being with him, but I sometimes think that I shouldn't have gotten serious about a person at so young of an age. Of course, when I was 18, I didn't think that I was so young.

My advice, let her go. As people have said over and over again. There are many fish in the sea.

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Toaster126

You can't "fix" a relationship with someone who doesn't wish to have it "fixed".

Run, don't walk, away.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Sage

As has been stated, this girl just sounds young and has decided that she wants to date other people. No problem with that, happens to everyone. She didn't handle it in the most mature manner, but hey, she's 18, I wasn't that mature at that age either.

She broke up with you- you didn't see it coming, it threw you off and hurt your feelings. Take a deep breath, get over it, go to college next year and have all kinds of fun college expierences and perhaps *gasp* grow up as a person (cause that WILL happen ). You two just grew apart, that's all.

Like Linda Richman says... "No big whoop"

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pig

the following is only the opinion of a very widdle pigglet

You asked several questions, I'll give you several pieces of advice. What should you do now? Should you wait around on her?

No. As the above wise ones have said, not really a good idea. That doesn't mean something couldn't work out down the road, but for now I think you should just let it be. For a number of reasons, but the chief one is that she doesn't want to be in the relationship - she sounds like she has some real committment issues. And that's completely ok at 18. That's ok at any stage of life, for that matter. I think you should take some time and deal with this, and then move on.

Should you still be there for her? Well, I'm the kind of guy who says yes...but first you have to set your boundaries. What are you comfortable with? What types of interactions? Stay within those boundaries...but I personally don't believe that the person you loved yesterday is substantially different than the person she is today. You've learned something new about her - but from what you've said it wasn't malicious and she's not trying to hurt you. I think that's somone you can, at some point at least, still be close to. You may need some time away from her (you probably will); especially if she is seeing other people. Avoiding her in order to protect your emotions is not the same as giving up on her. If she cares about you, I think she should understand if you have to do that. That's also easier said than done...and yes, not to pull the old man card, but it would have been much harder for me to do in high school. Of course, in high school, you can't really avoid her anyways...so you're going to need to come to terms with this at some point regardless. Give yourself time; you'll figure it out.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

frankx

Don't wait. Move on.

If you wait for this girl after she's broken it off, you'll drive yourself absolutely nuts wondering about her all the time. Also, it will prove to her that she can make decisions like this and then go back on them when they don't work to her satisfaction. You will be her perpetual fallback position.

Furthermore, someone who doesn't have the maturity to understand, be there for you and support you when bad things happen in your life is seriously lacking the maturity required to be in a healthy relationship anyway.

Don't wait. Move on.

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Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

snowy

Yes, move on.

Enjoy the remainder of your senior year. Date around. Have fun. Don't be her lapdog, waiting around for her to come back. It's not going to be worth the wait, from what you've said. Don't let her play around with you.

Women are like streetcars...there's another one every 10 minutes.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Poppinjay

Don't even worry about being there for her. If she calls or asks you about some big drama in her life, help what you can, but don't bother trying to keep in touch or in her life.

Go party. Have fun.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

quadro2000

Being there for her is going to be difficult for you, because you still have feelings for her. I know it's way easier said than done, but yes, I think it's time to let this end. It's tough, but anything else is going to wind up hurting your feelings more in the long run. Good luck.

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You have to laugh at yourself...because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't. - Emily Saliers

skier

Couple questions:
1. What have her other relationships been like? She has a "pattern", which implies previous behavior that's similar to your situation now

2. You've known her for years. Is the way she's acting right now reasoned and intelligent or fearful and instinctive?

If you think this is a part of an pattern she uses to avoid trusting or being emotionally vulnerable with you, I think you have a fine line to walk in order to keep her as your girlfriend. If this is a reasoned concious decision of hers, all you can do is let her go, and move on.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

blade02

I have a habit of being stubborn and not letting things die when they should. My best example is of a Mustang I bought when I was 17. I'd spend many many hours of blood sweat and tears to get the thing running. I'd run for awhile, and something else would break down. I had many offers for it through out the 3.5 years I owned it. Instead I never gave up on it, and it took the car catching on fire while I was driving it, then watching burning down to the ground for me to finally give up. All I have left of it, are the experiance and memories. At this point it sounds like your relationship is on fire, and my best advice is get out and take everything with you before it burns you up too.

thelifeandtimes

Thanks for the advice everyone, it really helped. To update you all on the current status of this. The day after she ended it, I just relaxed and got her off my mind and decided that I don't have enough time in life to be sad over something I can't change. I realized that she was acting off of pure emotion and didn't have a stable mind to be making these decisions, but nonetheless, I can't help what I can't change. I told her this the following night and explained that I will be there for her if she ever needs a friend, but not for awhile. I told her that for us to maintain a strong friendship we need to take time apart and completely cut all ties for bit for a our emotions to subside and so we could talk to each other level-headed. So now I'm trying to stay busy, so I won't start thinking about her. The only bad thing is, is that she sits right next to me in my Government class, but I know that I can deal with it, it'll give me all the more reason to pay more attention to the harder parts of the class. The only thing that kills me, or will, is seeing her with other guys. But I suppose only time will ease that fear.

Sultana

That's a very mature take on the situation thelifeandtimes, and I applaud you. Keep to your plan, and everything will turn out fine.

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At night, the ice weasels come." -

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thelifeandtimes

Here's an update for all that care. I stuck by what I planned, and didn't communicate with her for about a week, hell, I didn't even acknowledge her through my days at schhol. It may seem harsh, but its what had to be done. Then out of the blue she calls me and says she misses me and that this silence thing is killing her. We ended up meeting up that night and talked about things with a more sensible approach. She explained to me that she needs to find herself and make herself better so she can be better for me in the end. I guess I understand all of that but it still kills me. I told her this, among other things, and left her where she stood so she could contemplate what I said. I told her I'd talk to her whenever we're supposed to. She ended up calling me that night crying and telling me she wants to work this out, but she needs to sort herself out first. That works, I guess, but I still don't like it too much.

Then tonight we went to an early dinner and we got into a bit of a fight and she explains to me that she is focusing on us working through this rather than us not. A few questions. Does it sound like she is claiming truth or just tagging me along? What now? I don't want to wait, but there are always these whatifs on the whole sitation, and everytime I think about just giving up on it all, the quote by Stephen Ambrose stating "The past is a source of knowledge and the future is a source of hope. Love of the past implies faith in the future," comes to mind.I am still so distrought and I know I shouldn't be.

poundpuppy34

break completley away until you both heal a little then slowly start introducing yourself back into her life. Im her or what not. you dont want to lose her completly but you dont want to smother her. You are both younge and she wants to see what is outside the relationship. allow her to explore. Don't take her back or a while 2 moths at the leaste. If you guys end up together at the end remeber that she hasd this capability to hurt you if you guys dont then you will meet someone better suited for ypu.

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fyi: I am a female

pig

lifeandtimes: here's my advice, do with as ye will. from what i understand, you're at the end of your senior year, in a quasi-relationship with a girl whom you've been friends with since sometime in your freshman year. After dating for about a year, she kind of breaks it off, but after some time away, now says she wants to work it out. She said she didn't want to be in a relationship, now she wants to be in a relationship....she's mixed up. Well, ok - that's where she is. I'd take it slowly with her, however you proceed. Maybe y'all discuss things, and you decide that you want to continue seeing each other...and if you really discuss the situation with her and decide that's what both of you want to try, I say go for it. I'd be a little hesitant go for broke in your shoes...but I wouldn't totally shut her down. Talk about it.

Here's the kicker. What are your plans post graduation? What are her plans? My experience says that a good portion of high school relationship end after graduation...particularly if you go separate ways. In that sense, I'd be sort of tempted to want to finish out high school with the girlfriend I already know, that I'm already attracted to, and where there's less stress from dealing with the total break up now. Almost like a potential fond-farewell to what has been your main highschool relationship. It's always nice to end these things on good terms....if it does, in fact, end.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

hrandani

You ever heard Chris Rock talk about how girls like to keep a dick under glass "in case of emergency break glass". Sorry bud. That's where she's trying to put you. You were right to not talk to her, and she wants to feel like she is a good person and by having a good relationship with you she won't feel guilty.

fuck 'er. Let her feel terrible. Ignore her.

Plaid13

Sounds like when you have problems she didnt want to try to help. If she expects you to be there for her even though she wasnt there for you... shes just a spoiled brat. dont wait around for her find someone new if in a year or so your both single and you start thinking about dateing again... dont it never works. Just remember one important thing. all women are crazy you just need to find one thats crazy in a way that appeals to you.

astrahl

Ask yourself this...do you think you deserve a person with whom you won't have to deal with this bullshit?

If the answer is "yes," (which it should be) move on from this girl now. There are billions of people in this world and this one is obviously NOT the one for you. Accept the fact that you had a nice time while it lasted, mourn the loss of it if you feel like it, but don't waste anymore of your precious youth battling over this type of nonsense.

There are plenty of women out there who will not be like this. Appreciate yourself enough to give yourself another chance with somebody who will treat you, and your relationship with them, with more respect.

Best of luck

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Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed.
Maybe Maybe...
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thelifeandtimes

Thank you all again. Today was not very good. We went to starbucks and got into a huge fight and we are completely done as of this afternoon. I know I said somethings i shouldn't have, but I'm not to sure on how I feel about it. I told her I was done being fucked around and that if she wanted to find comfort in someone elses dick, then she could be my guest(she's been around with her friend as of lately) and that she could call me when she was mature enough to handle a relationship. Then I felt bad and called her to apologize, and she told me its done, and I won't have to worry about her fucking with me anymore and hung up. That hurt, but I think it'll be easier to move on now that this has happened, and now that the idea of us even getting back together is gone. I feel relived and sad at the same time, but it goes with how close we were and now how far apart we have become. I decided that I'm leaving this week and going back to Ohio for spring break and completley take myself out of this situation and get away from everything for a bit. The decision was sudden, and $490 later, I think it'll be worth it in the end. I'm not even taking my phone with me. I'm gonna get my head together and come back stronger, or that is at least the plan. But thank you to everyone that has given their advice, I really did take it into consideration while dealing with all of this. I'll update everyone that cares once I get back and start school again. Hopefully my plan works.

highthief

You know, sometimes that big fight with the harsh words has to happen to facilitate the split. It sucks, but sometimes it is neccessary.

good luck.

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Si vis pacem parabellum.

superiorrain

I would say just walk slowly away. This will be plainful for sure but you need to ease way from the relationship. This means being there for her and i think it obvious that you would be if she called upon you. At the same time you still need to move away, freeing your own mind and allowing yourself to have fun. This means turning to your friends and do what they do. After a while you'll realise you have made the right decision.

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"The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible." - Arthur C. Clarke

Fob_Magi

In my oppinion I think she did you a favor.. You may soon (2-3 years down the road) be so deep in the relationship you can't back out... and may start to desire to backout... but maybe this is just a reflection of my own situation..

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Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward.
Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven".
Such is the Rule of Honor.

thelifeandtimes

I am seriously in quite a pickle. We talked today and said all she wanted from me was patience and I wasn't giving it to her and that she doesn't even want to get back ever at this point because of it. She said we would talk once I got back and that if I wanted to still work on us, then I needed to show her instead of just tell her I will. She said I was suffocating her and pressuring her into making up her mind and always asking her the same questions and knowing I'll be getting the same answers. I don't know what to do anymore. I want her still but I feel bad for how I've been acting and now I am unsure of what is going on. She sounds sincere when she tells me she wants this, or at least when she did, but now I feel as if I fucked everything up. I feel like I took things too far and no we are past the point of repairing anything, including a real friendship. What now? How do I go about this now? I am up and down with this. One day I don't care, then the next I do. I truly love this girl and I know she loves me, but WTF. You all are probably tired of hearing about this, but this is so hard to know what to do when things just keep popping up.

maleficent

You say you love her... well there's an old quote that applies...

If you love something, set it free... If it comes back it's yours, if not it was never meant to be.

Give her what she wants... You'll either be starting college, or your life soon... Enjoy this stage of your life... Be free - date other people... Have fun...

She's pretty much made up her mind, only she's not saying it directly... She wants out... Let her get out...

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JumpinJesus

thelifeandtimes,

Reading what you've posted so far, it seems that you've handled this as maturely as anyone could have expected to. You've said some things you now wish you didn't say, but you have to allow for the fact that she's been pretty much stringing you along since she told you she wanted to end it.

Since I'm only replying to what you've shared with us, I have to admit that my take may not be entirely informed, but I get the impression that she's attempting to manipulate you to see just how much control she can exert over you emotionally.

She initiated the breakup, but didn't get the response she was hoping for. I don't think she's doing this intentionally or maliciously, but she is being manipulative nonetheless.

You're handling it pretty well from what you've shared with us. Stay strong and realize that there are many many women out there who won't treat you this way.

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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

little_tippler

I think she doesn't know what she wants, but at the same time knows that you're a great guy and she'll be stupid to let you go...so she wants to have fun and experience more in life, but what might happen in the long term is that she'll just think I wish I had stayed with him. What she's doing is asking you to wait for her...which is pretty selfish and unfair. I think you should move on. Maybe later in life the opportunity will arise again for you two...or not. Just live your life and if she wants to go, then she has to go, properly and not keep trying to string you along.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

thelifeandtimes

Tonight, I found out some stuff tonight that seriously killed me. Back in November, she went to a dance with one of her best friends that liked her, and I had suspicions of him, but didn't say anything to her because she promised nothing would happen, so that was enough for me. Come to find out she ended up making out with him that night. Then I found the real reason why we had that break in January. She wanted to go out on a date with said guy. Also she broke up with me because she made plans with said guy to start dating if she broke up with me if he broke up with his girlfriend. I can finally move on with this crushing move. Thanks for the help again, no more from me on this issue, there will never, ever be a chance for us again, and that actually eases all my stress. Goodnight(or good morning) to you all.

pig

l&t,

that's rough. best of luck. good news is that this kind of shit mostly drops off as you get out of highschool. not completely - there's no law specifying that people have to grow up. in fact, i'm living proof.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

fat-tony

Not to say that it feels good to hear that kind of stuff, but at least it allows you to close the issue and start the healing process. Don't worry, as someone else said, this kind of crap tends to taper off as you grow older.

And that's the biggest thing to remember. You'll do a lot of growing in the first few years after high school, discovering who you really are and what you really want.