Double D

Ah yes, I supposes it's the *this will hurt me, more than it will you* adage.
It would be so much easier if I didn't love him as a mother, but though there's been times when I wanted to strangle him, I still end up feeling like his mom and though it may be rational to force him to leave, it in no way feels like what a loving parent does.

Quote:

I guess in short...I have no answer. Just know that, for what it's worth, you have my sympathies, and I'll be thinking about you. I hope everything works out to a satisfactory conclusion...it's too late to be "O.K."

Yes it is very much too late to be okay.

Sometime early this morning, our car appeared out front.
Though he kept my car key, he left this note:

I'm really sorry about the car and the way I left the house. I won't make excuses but if I hadn't cleared up my court case (note: used our car with the full tank of gas to drive several hours away) I would have gone to jail. And I still have to go (to court) on Wednesday.
But I've been too stupid with what I've been doing so I'm going to give up now. Bye.

He's nothing if not manipulative.

I believe he's at work now. Whenever he comes back here, he'll be given several hours to pack his gear, then be asked/told to leave.

G_Whiz, thank you for reminding me to stay calm. I've asked my husband to quietly mention a code word to me that we've discussed, if I appear to be getting pulled into my son's sympathy dance.
And, though he probably won't want to hear it, and the feeling rings rather hollow for me right now, I will ask him to please touch base with me when he gets some kind of life going for himself.

Again thanks to all who've taken time to write, both here and to me personally. Your support gives me strength, and when I feel a bit shakey about that, I re-read your comments. They help a lot.

Vyk

You have my sympathies. My parents raised several of my aunts (some who are close to my age) and one of them was very much like your son. She was a loving child but it started to change when she was about 12 or so.

My parents gave her chance after chance to correct her behavior. They loved her so much it made it nearly impossible for them to throw her out (she was quite manipulative emotionally). It took her stealing their car (hitting my father with the car while doing so) for them to finally kick her out.

It hurt them immensly to do so but she really left them with no other choice that was healthy for them. It'll be hard to be strong and it's going to hurt a LOT but from what it sounds like, you'll be much better off emotionally, financially, etc in the long run this way. Try not to 2nd guess yourself and think 'what if' or 'if only' as that kind of thinking and worry isn't going to do anything positive.

Yes, he used to be your little boy...that's why you love him so. But, he's not a little boy anymore. He's an adult who has conciously decided to make the hurtful, wrong decisions that have driven you to this point. You've gone above and beyond the call of duty for a parent and it's now his turn to live with the repurcussions of his actions. Hopefully, he'll learn something from it when all's said and done. Even if not, you did what you could so have no regrets.

You thank the community here for helping give you support...well, I thank you for sharing your life and times with us... that's also what helps make this such a great community. The trust, affection and support of the TFP is amazing. Glad we're all part of it.

__________________
"Courage of the heart is very rare"

rockzilla

Your son sounds a lot like my younger brother. He had stolen thousands of dollars in cash and property from my Mom and I and been in and out of juvenile hall, only to come back and cause more problems. I told my Mom, you have to kick him out, I can't live like this, and you can't live like this. My mom didn't have the heart, so I scavenged every cent I could find and found a shitty apartment on the bad side of town and starved, which made me happier than sharing a roof with him.
My mom finally broke down when my brother tried to kill her with a pair of scissors. He couldn't bring himself to do it, and sort of kicked himself out, this was about 3 years ago.
Things have been really rough for my brother since then, but he's been doing a lot to clean himself up, he's back on speaking terms with the family and he's off drugs. He still can't hold a job very long, but he's working more often than not, I'm still trying to convince him to finish high school. It took the constant threat of death in a gutter to make him set his priorities straight.

The whole situation made my Mom a wreck, as I imagine it's doing to you. It hurt my Mom so much to turn her back on my brother, but he was only going to take advantage of her again. Neither you or your husband deserve what he's putting you through, and your stepson definitely doesn't deserve it.

I hope your son smartens up and you and your family have my sympathy.

JStrider

wow sounds like a rough time... just stick to everything youve already said... and keep us updated on the situation... were all behind you in this.... good luck in this

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cheesemoney

I'm not so sure that just enlisting him in the military (and he is 20, and doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to) will solve anything. Its really easy to get kicked out. My advice is to ask this group for suggestions involving some way for him to feel some sense of accomplishment in his life. It is the only way to "straighten" out, IMHO. Anyone out there an expert on human motivation? This to me seems the core of the issue, and, as you have probably guessed, I am not an authority on the matter.
Good luck.

rockogre

I also question the military enlistment but I know that it saved me. I was on the downhill road, drugs, bad friends, trouble seemed to follow me everywhere. My father told me that I would never amount to anything.

I couldn't hold a job and had no interest and wanted out of this small hick town so I joined the Navy.

That has been absolutly the best decision I ever made in my entire life. The military gave me the discipline I never had before. They also taught me to have some pride in myself and in my work.

I have no idea if he can even get into todays military but he might get a lot more out of it than anyone imagines. The trick would be to get him to try. I think that boot camp alone would help even if he didn't stay in.

My best wishes for you double! My parents pretty much gave up on me but I found my way home as, I hope, a much better person. Birds eventually have to fly alone even if their mother has to push them out of the nest.

__________________
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bullgoose

You're doing the right thing; that's not always easy, but it IS always right. Lifes a bitch, but I'm glad I made my son go on his journey; I think he's glad too; now he can see a future, not just the next scrape he would get into. It takes time, but it will work out. Good thoughts to you and your husband. Keep us posted on the progress.

__________________
"If I had it to do all over,
I'd do it all over you."

G_Whiz

Double D,

I know that you asked for advice on this. And, you have thanked us profusely. But, I want to say one thing to you about this thread. It took a hell of a lot of guts to put this up for everyone to see and comment about. I applaud you for that, since we are basically faceless strangers who don't have the contact to express ourselves by look or tone of voice.

I gather that you now know what you are going to do. And, regardless of the choice, it will be hard to do. Trust yourself!!! Take care of yourself!!!

Professionally, you have given advice to others about how to manage. It's time to apply those skills to yourself. One of the biggest problems in the Social Service fields is that the professionals don't take their own advice.

Hang in. You always have friends here, even if we can't reach out and give you a hug when you need it most.

__________________
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Double D

It's funny, though it might have seemed to take guts to ask for help, it really was fear that had me turning to my community here.
I was very much afraid of not being strong enough to deal with this the right way, and I hoped to gain strength from the knowledge and experiences of people here.

I'm still overwhelmed at the outpouring of caring concern, straight up advice, and especially that in trying to help, many of you bared parts of your lives to me--that means so much and it completely overcomes the lack of voice tone and of not being here in person. I'd still like to give and get those in-person hugs, though .

Couple of short things, then an update.
One, the car payments that we will have to take over because we co-signed: We can't in any way change the contract with the loan agency to get the car in our name. There was a situation where my son disappeared for three months, not paying his bills of course, and we called the loan company then--no dice.

Two, he's got all kinds of court cases pending. He can't go anywhere, never mind the military, until he deals with them. But I think the result, as he never takes responsibility and he keeps missing court dates and failing to pay fines, is that he may get some jail time.
We've strongly suggested the military several times, and he has talked to a recruiter--took the tests-- and he's bright (on paper, anyway) so he scored well. The recruiter told him, though they didn't take people with only a GED (high school equivalency), there is a loophole in which my son can claim to be *home-schooled.*
When it came down to looking like a reality, my son refused to take calls from the recruiter and now I don't know if his arrest record would prohibit any branch of the armed forces from taking him, but it's moot really, since he won't go.

Update:
We live in a two storey condominium, so he can get in the building. From there he can get in the building's basement/laundry room which connects to our downstairs, and my spouse found him there yesterday, brushing his teeth. My husband demanded my car keys, and then my son fled to a waiting car.

Prior to this, his little brother let him in the house while I was sleeping and after spouse had left for work. (I had stayed awake most of the night before waiting for him, and had finally crashed.)
My 10 y.o. son was unsure of what to do--I'm not sure if my 20 y.o. son told him *not to wake mom,* but even after I got up, he was downstairs in the finished basement, where he has his bedroom and I was never aware of it.
This is another sticky wicket as *Chris,* my youngest, though he's seen much of the crap *Jim* has pulled though the years, still loves his brother and is torn between that and knowing that what Jim is doing is wrong. He tries to walk the line of neutrality, but Jim exploits that, of course.

I talked with Chris yesterday, reenforced that I need to know if Jim is in the house and that none of this is Chris's fault, as little kids will take on guilt for things they have nothing to do with.

We feel fairly sure that we'll need to call the police when Jim decides that he's entitled to be in this home, I'm betting by week's end. Until then, I'm working on keeping my chin up and pushing away thoughts of Jim going hungry or being sick out in the streets.

Some irony:
I left home at age 18 and moved clear across from East coast to West. I had no job skills other than retail and man, was that a lesson learned. For several years, I had to choose between eating and putting gas in the car (so I could get to work--no mass transit in Orange County, CA back then).
So I went hungry a lot. It obviously didn't kill me and it won't him and I did learn from it--that I needed to get skilled and make money to make a life. This hasn't sunk in for him yet because there's been an open door and refridgerator here, as well as a nice bed that he's spent way too much time sleeping in.
That is done now.

It's really painful; it's a deep loss and I know it's going to get worse before (or if) it gets better.

onetime2

It sounds as if you're moving in the right direction. You need to get more control in this relationship. Your oldest son is dictating all the terms of your relationship. He decides when/if you see him, what the interaction will be, and he takes but only gives back enough to manipulate you.

I'm sure there is a story from his point of view too and we are only getting yours right now. But I feel that whatever story he told, yours would be much closer to the real situation.

I think you may need to be more clear with your youngest son and rather than telling him that you need to know when Jim is in the house, you need to make it clear that Jim is not allowed in the house.

The situation sucks but it can get better. It will not get better unless you take this hard line. Like others who posted here, I have seen this situation before. A close friend has gone down a similar path and remains on it today. His family and friends have all tried to help to no avail. I suspect that he has lost hope. He was an incredibly bright and outgoing person who chose a lifestyle which has led to drug addiction, theft, violence, and massive health problems. Sharing needles and/or unprotected sex has left him with HIV and the Hepatitis alphabet. I seriously doubt he will come out of this spiral. Many of us enabled his behavior and a harder line earlier in the situation may have made a difference (I doubt it but you never know).

I feel for you in this but I also have a sincere belief that it's not too late for your son.

__________________
Strive to be more curious than ignorant.

johnnymysto

Double D,

Congratulations in doing the hardest part: you acted on your decision. It sounds like you are prepared to stick to your guns; good for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but it really is the best thing for your son. As you are well aware, allowing him to stay would make you an enabler, so you are helping him by forcing him to grow up, take responsibility, and become a man. That's a tough journey for any kid. You have only love at the core of this decision, and that will get both you and him through this.

God bless you.

__________________
"I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request." - Capt. Barbossa

Cynthetiq

A mother unconditionally loves her children. Kicking him out of the house does not minimize that. His actions are what you do not like, but you still love your son.

Take the time to breathe and keep a clear head about your situation. Remember you are doing what you need to do for you and him.

I still don't know why he came home to brush his teeth. WTF was that? OOoh I can't go anywhere because I don't have my toothbrush?

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Sparhawk

Some very enlightened Judges have in the past given men like your son a choice: jail time or join the military. Unfortunately it seems that your son has no respect for authority, so the odds of this working, or even getting him into court to face a judge, are long. My sympathies, DD.

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Double D

The reasons Jim does what he does, usually boil down to manipulation to get what he wants.

I'm hoping that things will be calmer here as I found him in the house again today--remember he still had the condo building key--and he somehow got in thru the basement.

He was in a fetal postion, totally swaddled in his bedspread, sleeping, it seemed. I told him he had to leave now-- to give me the keys and a cordless phone that he swiped. He refused, because we would *throw all (his) stuff out.* He then demanded that I give him his marijuana pipe back before he would give me the building keys! Imagine, his whole life is hanging by a thread and his main priority is getting high! Argh!

I told him to get up and get out and he started in with his sad song about nothing mattering anymore and why should he try and blah, blah, blah. I've heard this so many times over the years. Oh, and he lost his brand-new job.

Yes, he's clinically depressed and he knows exactly the choices he has to get help.
He explained to me how unfair I was being, after all, he brought back our (stolen) car, right?

At that point, I realized he was sucking me into his crazy-ass way of thinking. I muttered something about not ever imagining that someone like him would spring from my womb, and I left the room, came upstairs & called my spouse at work, as we'd agreed if this scenario transpired. Husband works only about 5 minutes away, so he was here quickly.

Younger son and I waited outside (we had been on our way to go swimming, when this whole little soap opera scene started to play out). Moments later, Jim came storming out the front door, saying he *couldn't believe* how he was being treated.

Younger son & I left for the pool and husband inspected the locks on the house, as well as the windows to determine where the breach was. While doing this, Jim returned--he'd left his car & house keys here. He insisted that we must have taken his keys, but within a minute or two my spouse located them on the floor, amidst the vast pile of crap in the bedroom Jim used. Spouse removed the building keys, which is big relief, as it would have been sticky as well as expensive, to bring the condo association into this.

So, right now I feel a mixture of relief, weariness & sadness.
I told him I wished him well-- my husband told him of an area homeless shelter, but there's nothing more we can or should do right now.

Someone mentioned that Jim has his side to this and of course, that's true. When he was a child, I overcompensated for his lack of a father by spoiling him-- that did him no favors at all. After I got involved with my current spouse, I interfered with my spouse's attempts to parent Jim-- that was a huge disservice to them both.

Yeah, I've made some decent-sized mistakes in my life, both as a parent and as a person. But Jim went to good schools, got all the basics -- there was never a lack of love or support or encouragement. Kids with much less don't always turn out like he did.

lurkette

I feel for you, DD.

I know it's hard but you did the right thing for him, and for you. He has to start being responsible for his own life.

Hang in there.
*hug*

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

ratbastid

You know, this reminds me of an old parable. You never know when the story ends.

One day a farmer found a beautiful stallion standing in his field. Nobody knew where it came from or how it got there. People all said how lucky he was that this horse came to him. He said, "Well, you never know when the story ends."

A week later the horse was mysteriously gone. People said how unlucky this was. The farmer said, "Well, you never know when the story ends."

A week later the horse was back, and with it was <i>another</i> stallion, <i>equally</i> beautiful. People remarked how very lucky the farmer was, but he just said, "Well, you never know when the story ends."

The next week the farmer's son was riding one of the stallions, and was thrown from the horse and broke his leg. How unlucky everyone said, but the farmer said, "You never know when the story ends."

The next week a war broke out. All of the healthy young men were drafted into the army, and many of them were killed, but because of his broken leg, the farmer's son was saved. People said how lucky this was. The farmer said, "You never know when the story ends."

The point is, it's grim now, and it looks like the end of everything. But you never know how it's <i>really</i> going to turn out. When you look back on this thirty years from now and see that throwing him out was <i>exactly</i> the thing to turn his life around, you might very well say... <i>you never know when the story ends</i>!

Vyk

Double D, are you going to be letting him keep the car that you're co-signed to and making payments on?

Glad you were able to handle everything so well. He seems to be a 1st class drama queen/manipulation specialist. I don't know if I would have been able to keep my cool like that.

__________________
"Courage of the heart is very rare"

Double D

It goes like this. In the two years he's had it, he has totally trashed the car. What was once a nice-looking Olds Cutlass Supreme, is now as we call 'em in this part of the States, a beater.

We strategized tonight on the best action to take.
Because of his many current traffic violations, including his pending drunk driving charge, and his unwillingness to face the judges, we are quite sure that he'll be in jail soon. He gets ticketed by the police at least once per month for things like parking violations & running stop signs, then compounds it by not carrying proof of insurance & registration & so forth.

When he's picked up next, he'll be jailed due to the warrants, and at that time the police should run a check on the plates, realize that we co-own the car, and give us a call.

Cynthetiq

sounds like the story is being driven by you now. Keep the faith and stay strong.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

rodgerd

All parents make mistakes. Mine did, I'm sure yours did. All you can ask is they love you and do their best. It sounds like you've done that.

More to the point, there's a point in our lives when we have gotten beyond being able to lay the blame for our parents' mistakes for the things in our lives that go wrong. One of my wife's uncles, in his 50s, still rags on his (90!) year old mother about this, that and the other. What an absolute load of crap; if we want to be treated as an adult, we have to act like one, and that includes taking responsibility.

merkerguitars

Well you seem to be doing the right thing......it's not gonna be a easy task by any means. Hopefully he will be locked up soon and you will not have to worry about it anymore.

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rs8001

Double D, I've been reading this thread since you started it. I haven't commented becuase I really don't have any specific advice or experiences to offer. I was hoping you'd follow through and kick him out as it seems you don't have any other options.

It is his choice and I hope for the both of you he starts making better ones. I imagine it'll get worse before better, but I sincerely believe you've done the right thing. Don't beat yourself up when it does get worse because you've done the right thing. Don't beat yourself up about the past because you've done the right thing. Spend that energy on his brother. Sounds like your husband has been supportive take a second to tell him you appreciate that if you do.

As an early thirties single male I feel like there isn't much I say. I can only imagine how you feel. I just wanted to say I think you've done the right thing and wish you the best.

blindawg

Tough Love hurts..

He'll either straighten out or he won't..

i assume you've alwasy done your best to teach him right and wrong.. If so. you've done your joba dn it's tiem for him to face up toe th eworld and he place in it.

__________________
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neoinoakleys

You are a doormat. You have let things go on for WAY too long. You owe him nothing!!

It is time for him to "sink or swim." The longer you keep him under your roof, the more he will not appreciate the things you do for him.

My suggestion, KICK HIM OUT....Tonight, no... NOW!! Change the locks, and tell him it is time, he was responsible for his actions. Look away!! You owe him nothing more. Give him moral support ONLY if he asks for it, and NEVER support him financially again. I can't stress this enough...NEVER give him financial support. This is going to be the toughest thing you do, but he REALLY needs it. He will learn to be responsible once he has to fend for himself.

I was never as bad as your son, but my parents did the same thing, and I will tell now, it was the best thing they EVER did. To this day my parents do not give me anything but moral support, and we get along GREAT now. I worked odd jobs for a few years and realized that life was not all fun and partying. I finally woke up and matured, put myself through college and got a great job that everyone could be proud of. Sounds to me like your son is similar to me in that we both had to learn responsibility and consequences of our actions the hard way.

He will either do one of 2 things, he will become a loser, end up in jail and have no future, or he will wisen up and realize that this is not the kind of life he wants to lead and mature and finally do something to change his demeanor.

This is not something that can be taught ANY other way other than to just cut the strings. It will be hard to turn your back, but for your sake and his....DO IT!!!

My 2 cents...

Feel free to PM me if you want any more details...

__________________
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Bamrak

D,
I also thought I would offer my words of support as well. I'm sure what you're going through is rough, but it will pass, and hopefullt he will realize the mistakes he is making. I think you are doing the right things, and I hope it does turn out well. Please keep us informed and I hope that if we can be of more moral support, you will gladly come calling.

clavus

Good job!

You weren't doing anyone any favors by letting him take advantage of you. Stay strong.

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Double D

Ugh--well I'm afraid my strong will faltered last night.

It was a coolish day (like today, Chicago's had no summer weather, this summer ) and I left a window open. It's not ever been normal practice to lock the front windows, except at night, so I don't do it automatically.

Jim came in through the window while no one was here, and scrounged some food.
He was surprised however, by his stepfather's early return from work and fled, apparently out the back door, leaving a small bag of granola bars and juice boxes behind.

The first words out of my husband's mouth when I got home were, * I caught Jim in the house.* The contents of the bag of food were spread on the kitchen counter like trophies, and his tone was almost gleeful.

I didn't say anything, but as time passed and the almost-stolen food remained on the counter, I asked my spouse when he was going to remove it.
When he finally gathered the food up, my will gave out.

I told my husband that he seemed to be enjoying this, and asked him if he realized that it (the whole situation, not just this incident) was hurting me a lot?
He hadn't a clue. He never paid close enough attention to put together that perhaps I was just a bit sad/upset about this whole thing.

Words flew back & forth when I later found him sealing the windows closed permanently, as I'm not adult enough to keep them locked at all times.

I was angry that he didn't discuss this with me, he saw no point in that--apparently getting out, should there be a fire--or just getting some fresh air, were not high on his *important things* list.
So it went on.

I was really bummed out last night and wanted to take up some folks on their generous offer of a shoulder to lean on--but my IP provider went belly up from last night until this afternoon. Great timing!

My husband & I are still not seeing eye to eye. He has never loved my son, and he doesn't understand how I can still be bothered by all of this.
I try not to be-- but I have my weak moments. I don't want my son coming into the house to steal food, so I am sealing up things tight when going out, but this is very difficult all 'round.

denim

Has he always been this sensitive?

Double D

I take it you are being facetious.

Yeah, I chose a spouse that, according to his former therapist, would have best been suited to being a forest ranger, so he wouldn't have to interact with people.

I'm a fairly average woman in terms of emotions--okay--maybe a bit on the spunky side--so I thought we balanced out. Generally, it's a pretty uneventful relationship, but when I need emotional support, it's silly to ask for it from him.

denim

Let's just say that what you posted as his response made me wonder where he left his brains. I'm sorry.

Double D

In fairness, I'm sure he sees me as irrational, emotional, & weak.
He's sick of dealing with a kid that's not his own and he's sick of my caving in over the years and forgiving my son.

In truth, I shouldn't have married--anyone--but we have a 10 y.o. son together (we married when *Christopher* was 2 y.o.) and since as I said, there is little conflict in general (veneer of normal family), I believe in hanging in--I made my choices & I get to live with 'em-- and my youngest son is such a great kid. I figure that's the real reason that this odd union occured.

denim

Given that he probably thinks you've now reached an understanding similar to the one he holds, I expect he thought you'd have his attitude about it. However, expecting you to resent your son, or whatever, is ridiculous. At least, as much as a guy with no kids (me) can understand it. You're applying a different level of discipline, which involves kicking him out of the nest. That hardly says you dislike the kid, given how you're suffering over the decision. I wonder if your husband understands that.

rogue49

This is the first time I've said my two cents over this time-period.

DD, your job as a mother right now is to "mother" the boy you have at home right now.
Not to "mother" a young man, who obviously needs to learn how to be a "man", an adult.
To take responsibility for his actions.

This is his job, not yours
No matter how much you love him.
And if you did love him, you would allow him the freedom to make his mistakes
AND take the consequences for them.

See, this is the final gift that a parent does for a child.
Letting them go.

That freedom, to make the difficult transition, to an adult.
That freedom, to determine their own fate.

You've done all you can, now it's time to give him that freedom, let go.
Focus your attention now on the one who needs it, your younger son.
He needs your energy & guidance.
And since he's under your care, he has to listen.

Your older son, is an adult, he doesn't have to listen.
Thus, he is free to make his own decisions AND mistakes.
You are not responsible for this, let go.
Let him be free.

My mother had to do the same for me, and now I respect what she did
despite the difficulties I went through.
I am proud to be my own man now.
And the gift she gave me, was pushing me to be free.
Pushing me to fly.

Give him the last gift of a parent. Freedom
Flying or falling will be on his wings alone.
Otherwise you are doing him a disservice.

This is the PURPOSE of a parent.
This is the TRUE love of a parent,
the last & true gift.

Nizzle

I got my ass booted, personally. Can't say I was that disrespectful, but I was definitely lazy and selfish. Best thing that ever happened to me.

__________________
Nizzle

sexymama

Double D -- this is the first time I've seen this thread as I've just gotten back from 3 weeks vacation.

I would like to share my story with you! At age 15 1/2 my step-son returned to our home state to go thro drug rehab. He had lived with us for 3 years and mom for 1 1/2 years. Upon successful complition of drug rehab he returned to our home to visit for 2 weeks. With one hour to go until he was to get on the plane and return "home" his mother called and said, "you may not come home." We had a VERY ANGRY child on our hands! He soon began to threaten me ("you better watch every move you make you fucking bitch as I'm going to slice you to death one of these days.") I called his biological mom and begged her to take him back as we had 4 other children in the house. She refused and told me I was getting what I deserved. Dad, being the loving parent, refused to see the truth and son was manipulative enough to only threaten me -- and our 4 year old daughter -- when dad wasn't around. This only went on for 1 week. I knew that I could not and would not live in fear! I told my husband that the son was no longer welcome in my house. They moved out -- disappearing for a week before I was able to even find my husband. It took a lot of counseling and patience for my husband to forgive me. We found a place for son to live, and husband moved home 3 months later.

Within another month, the "gay couple" that son was living with was "coming on" to him. (Another lie? I don't know.) My protective mother side came out and we allowed him to move back home. He broke the rules by getting high in less than a week. We were ready to fly him to mom (we would call her when he was in flight taking away her freedom to say no). He begged for another chance. Interestingly, the 2 other children -- including his twin -- who were old enough to understand what was happening said, "kick him out." The siblings want boundaries!!!!! However, I, like you, couldn't give up on "my child." We came up with a contract, laying out 24 points that he had to meet in order to stay with us. Then he was given the choice between the "family plan" and the "airline plan." He chose the family plan. He tested every point within the next 2 weeks. Every time a test came my response was, "you have a choice." He ultimately followed the plan until he was 18 years old.

At 18 he immediately broke the rules (1 month from high school graduation.) My response, "I love you and I have raised you to adulthood. You have one month after graduation to move out." He was very angry and moved out the next day. He spread it all around the neigborhood that I took apart his bed and kicked him out. People were actually calling the authorities on me for child abuse. (Not easy for a teacher to go through.) But I stuck with my guns and did not allow him back in the house. It was the most difficult 3 1/2 years in my life - especially facing abuse charges!

Today this son is in the service. He enlisted after trying to make it on his own for 2 years -- and not being able to. He had to live with friends and on the streets. He often went hungry. He was very angry! We continued to "love" him by allowing him to visit -- but he was not allowed in our house without us there! Our other children supported us 100% as we had a "family meeting" and laid out the rules and consequences.

I got a call from this son just last week. His father and I are divorced now -- and he still calls me! And I was the "bad guy." He thanked me for all that I've done to support him "growing up." And he says, "you will always be my mom."

Making the tough call is not easy! However, it can pay off! Stick with your guns. And if you want to chat further -- email me -- I would welcome the opportunity to support you further. I know this is the most difficult thing you will ever go through! God bless!

__________________
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

cheerios

*hug*


that's all I can do right now, but...

Captain Canada

I wish you the best of luck with all this. Im sure its really tough for you, but im sure things will sort themselves out in the end, hopefully with him getting picked up, and given some help with his problems.

Cynthetiq

I'm glad that you love your son..... love him more by giving him that little nudge out of the nest... he'll fly... he will... it might be crooked, it might not be as high as you can, but he will.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

DeviouslySimple

Hey, good luck. Stay strong with your resolve, also try not to let the issue divide you from the other aspects of your life and the others in your family.

I am glad to hear that Christopher is handling this as well as can be for now (or you may want to check up on more of this). Be kind to yourself and don't let this become the one thing your whole life is about.

You are not responsible for what he has ultimately become, and only in time and through his own independent struggles can he possibly become a better person.

Take care.

dragon2fire

wow what a carpy stuation best wishes double d


i can only imagine how hard this must be for you