Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Should I Kick My 20-y.o. Son Out?

sexymama · 08-12-2003, 08:35 PM

Double D -- this is the first time I've seen this thread as I've just gotten back from 3 weeks vacation.

I would like to share my story with you! At age 15 1/2 my step-son returned to our home state to go thro drug rehab. He had lived with us for 3 years and mom for 1 1/2 years. Upon successful complition of drug rehab he returned to our home to visit for 2 weeks. With one hour to go until he was to get on the plane and return "home" his mother called and said, "you may not come home." We had a VERY ANGRY child on our hands! He soon began to threaten me ("you better watch every move you make you fucking bitch as I'm going to slice you to death one of these days.") I called his biological mom and begged her to take him back as we had 4 other children in the house. She refused and told me I was getting what I deserved. Dad, being the loving parent, refused to see the truth and son was manipulative enough to only threaten me -- and our 4 year old daughter -- when dad wasn't around. This only went on for 1 week. I knew that I could not and would not live in fear! I told my husband that the son was no longer welcome in my house. They moved out -- disappearing for a week before I was able to even find my husband. It took a lot of counseling and patience for my husband to forgive me. We found a place for son to live, and husband moved home 3 months later.

Within another month, the "gay couple" that son was living with was "coming on" to him. (Another lie? I don't know.) My protective mother side came out and we allowed him to move back home. He broke the rules by getting high in less than a week. We were ready to fly him to mom (we would call her when he was in flight taking away her freedom to say no). He begged for another chance. Interestingly, the 2 other children -- including his twin -- who were old enough to understand what was happening said, "kick him out." The siblings want boundaries!!!!! However, I, like you, couldn't give up on "my child." We came up with a contract, laying out 24 points that he had to meet in order to stay with us. Then he was given the choice between the "family plan" and the "airline plan." He chose the family plan. He tested every point within the next 2 weeks. Every time a test came my response was, "you have a choice." He ultimately followed the plan until he was 18 years old.

At 18 he immediately broke the rules (1 month from high school graduation.) My response, "I love you and I have raised you to adulthood. You have one month after graduation to move out." He was very angry and moved out the next day. He spread it all around the neigborhood that I took apart his bed and kicked him out. People were actually calling the authorities on me for child abuse. (Not easy for a teacher to go through.) But I stuck with my guns and did not allow him back in the house. It was the most difficult 3 1/2 years in my life - especially facing abuse charges!

Today this son is in the service. He enlisted after trying to make it on his own for 2 years -- and not being able to. He had to live with friends and on the streets. He often went hungry. He was very angry! We continued to "love" him by allowing him to visit -- but he was not allowed in our house without us there! Our other children supported us 100% as we had a "family meeting" and laid out the rules and consequences.

I got a call from this son just last week. His father and I are divorced now -- and he still calls me! And I was the "bad guy." He thanked me for all that I've done to support him "growing up." And he says, "you will always be my mom."

Making the tough call is not easy! However, it can pay off! Stick with your guns. And if you want to chat further -- email me -- I would welcome the opportunity to support you further. I know this is the most difficult thing you will ever go through! God bless!

08-12-2003, 08:35 PM	#75 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Double D -- this is the first time I've seen this thread as I've just gotten back from 3 weeks vacation. I would like to share my story with you! At age 15 1/2 my step-son returned to our home state to go thro drug rehab. He had lived with us for 3 years and mom for 1 1/2 years. Upon successful complition of drug rehab he returned to our home to visit for 2 weeks. With one hour to go until he was to get on the plane and return "home" his mother called and said, "you may not come home." We had a VERY ANGRY child on our hands! He soon began to threaten me ("you better watch every move you make you fucking bitch as I'm going to slice you to death one of these days.") I called his biological mom and begged her to take him back as we had 4 other children in the house. She refused and told me I was getting what I deserved. Dad, being the loving parent, refused to see the truth and son was manipulative enough to only threaten me -- and our 4 year old daughter -- when dad wasn't around. This only went on for 1 week. I knew that I could not and would not live in fear! I told my husband that the son was no longer welcome in my house. They moved out -- disappearing for a week before I was able to even find my husband. It took a lot of counseling and patience for my husband to forgive me. We found a place for son to live, and husband moved home 3 months later. Within another month, the "gay couple" that son was living with was "coming on" to him. (Another lie? I don't know.) My protective mother side came out and we allowed him to move back home. He broke the rules by getting high in less than a week. We were ready to fly him to mom (we would call her when he was in flight taking away her freedom to say no). He begged for another chance. Interestingly, the 2 other children -- including his twin -- who were old enough to understand what was happening said, "kick him out." The siblings want boundaries!!!!! However, I, like you, couldn't give up on "my child." We came up with a contract, laying out 24 points that he had to meet in order to stay with us. Then he was given the choice between the "family plan" and the "airline plan." He chose the family plan. He tested every point within the next 2 weeks. Every time a test came my response was, "you have a choice." He ultimately followed the plan until he was 18 years old. At 18 he immediately broke the rules (1 month from high school graduation.) My response, "I love you and I have raised you to adulthood. You have one month after graduation to move out." He was very angry and moved out the next day. He spread it all around the neigborhood that I took apart his bed and kicked him out. People were actually calling the authorities on me for child abuse. (Not easy for a teacher to go through.) But I stuck with my guns and did not allow him back in the house. It was the most difficult 3 1/2 years in my life - especially facing abuse charges! Today this son is in the service. He enlisted after trying to make it on his own for 2 years -- and not being able to. He had to live with friends and on the streets. He often went hungry. He was very angry! We continued to "love" him by allowing him to visit -- but he was not allowed in our house without us there! Our other children supported us 100% as we had a "family meeting" and laid out the rules and consequences. I got a call from this son just last week. His father and I are divorced now -- and he still calls me! And I was the "bad guy." He thanked me for all that I've done to support him "growing up." And he says, "you will always be my mom." Making the tough call is not easy! However, it can pay off! Stick with your guns. And if you want to chat further -- email me -- I would welcome the opportunity to support you further. I know this is the most difficult thing you will ever go through! God bless! __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection. Last edited by sexymama; 08-12-2003 at 08:40 PM..