Anonymous Member

I usually turn to this forum for advice, so I am back once again.

I've been in a relationship for about a year and a half. We currently live together and we get along well. The problem is, I just don't think the "spark" is there anymore. I'm not really interested in intimacy anymore, I don't really feel anything when we kiss, and its just overall...not good.

We also have different interests. She is more of a working girl and is currently trying to get into graduate school. I'm pretty settled in with my job and like to go to concerts, hang out with friends, play video games, etc.

I have been thinking I need to break up with her for these reasons. I just don't think I can go on in a relationship like this. I talked to some friends about it and they both said "relationships take work." I guess, but I am only 23.

The next step would be to move out of state to attend her grad school of choice. I definitely need to make up my mind before then.

Like I said, we get along really, really well. I consider her a best friend. But if the spark isn't there...I don't think we should be together.

Your thoughts? Thanks for all the help in advance.

The_Jazz

At this point it sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind, so I'm not sure what kind of advice you want. So I'll just try to predict what's going to happen.

You're going to hurt her. A lot. It sounds like she really doesn't see this coming, although I don't see much here about what her perspective is. It's probable that she doesn't see this coming, but I doubt it.

So you've been living together but you're just not into her any more. And you're not willing to figure out why. That doesn't make you a bad person in my eyes, but it probably will in hers.

I'd sit her down and explain this to her as nicely and calmly as possible. She deserves to know the truth. Maybe there's something that you two can do to restart the spark - I've got no idea what floats your boat but won't rule out transexual Nazi strippers.

I guess my only advice is to keep an open mind if possible and not burn the bridge if you can avoid it.

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Plan9

Goddamnit, I really wish my alternate personalities would stop posting anonymously.

...

Here's the thing:

Just because you're bored doesn't mean you're going to find something better elsewhere. Turns out the whole "spark" thing is bullshit, Hoss. Relationships are work: tedious and require sacrifice. You know what produces sparks? The pro-reproduction reward chemicals in your head reacting to novelty. It's a biological trick to keep you looking for the next best thing. Anyscwhays, you've been with old girl for a while now and you know her and are comfortable, right? That and you're 23 and have the attention span of a friggin' rodent. I've been there. Reevaluate your situation with her. Don't waste a whole lot of time making a decision, though. You don't want to blow sunshine up her ass to maintain the relationship when you're one foot out the door mentally. I've had girlfriends do that to me before. Not cool. Nobody wants to cuddle up to a body that has a brain in someone else's bed.

What's your relationship inventory look like? Is this girl secretly awesome or is she just someone you settled for because she was there? Is she getting fat and/or turning Republican? Take a look at what you have now and see if it matches up with what you "need," not just what you "want." Very truly I tell you, there isn't a heterosexual man on the planet born after 1978 that wants to bang just one woman for the rest of his natural life, but some of us make that hard choice because that one woman is good at tasks beyond milking our screaming prostate. Take Jazz's advice and talk with her about how you feel (or don't, in this case). Hell, read her your original post. If I had taken Jazz's advice at any point in the last couple of years I'd probably have had a relationship that lasted longer than 18 months. Oops, I think I just busted on my own credibility. Yeah, I'm not a genius, so take my advice lightly.

As the old adage goes: Love is a duty; it is not a celebration of [the good times]. It is the mutual survival of [things that totally suck].

The issue here that concerns me here is the moving involved. We've all been there: you move in together and then all of a sudden one partner has to move somewhere far away to satisfy some educational / employment ambition. If you don't want to move due to friends / job / whatever, then you need to evaluate your relationship in a different light. I had to break up with a long time girlfriend after my last career change because she refused to move to my location and I had no choice but to stay put. That's life. Ask any long distance relationship victim; you'll find there's no substitute for being there.

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dlish

Plan9, thank you for owning up to being the OP of the sex while breastfeeding thread.


no, seriously...

i think the OP needs to pen his thoughts. All of them.

Write them down, have a good think about each one, even evalute each though your own eyes, as well as hers. write down what you do like about the relationship, and what you dont. then after youve done that over a few days, think about it a bit more and make the decision you think is right.

no relationship is going to be perfect. anyone who tells you otherwise is a crock of shit. What you need to realise is that you are young and you have your life ahead of you. You just need to decide whether you want your best friend in those plans or not.

i was your age when i got married. when i think about it now i was young immature and so full of it and not ready to get married. i made many mistakes, and you learn from it. but at 23, you have a lot of learning, so dont think that the decision you made will be the right one. it may look like it at the time, but time is the best judge of these things.

Like jazz said, it looks like you've already made up your mind about being unhappy in the relationship. If thats what you think you are after serious thought, just make sure she knows why. dont just up and leave cos you'll never get closure, and neither will she. maybe even show her those thoughts you wrote down. it might make her understand a little better.

just remmeber that if you leave and ever have regrets about going back, that they'll always be a scar that'd never? heal.

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tasineah

Fact: You have been in a relationship of only a year and a half

Fact: In this time you moved in together. The amount of time withing that relationship you actually have lived with her we do not know.

Fact: You dont want sex with her anymore

Fact: Soon she will have to move across country to go to grad school

Fact: You work, go to concerts, hang out with your friends, play video games while she is in college working on her future

I have been in her shoes. Do not kid yourself and think you are doing her any favor by sticking it our and giving her no sex and dragging yourself across country with her so you can complain how she did that to you at a later date. Will she cry when you tell her you want to break up now? Oh probably. But later, kindly, wisely, she will thank you sincerely, for doing the right thing...

dont drag this out and make yourselves both miserable. Its really tough going to grad school. You will hate missing your friends and routine. You both deserve damn good sex with spark. You are 23 for heavens sake. This is still part of your prime!

snowy

Great post, man.

Relationships are work. In good relationships, I think that you WANT to do the work, but there's no denying that there's a lot of maintenance to do on a good relationship.

I think in general the men here have given some good advice to the OP, but OP, at some point--regardless of your age--you are going to have to realize that the spark in ANY relationship does fade, and what keeps the relationship going is the work you put into it. You get what you give.

Think of that spark like a light with a dimmer switch: sometimes it's really bright (like at the beginning of a relationship, and 9er is right: your body is pumping you full of stuff like oxytocin and dopamine to make you feel really, really gooood and connected with that person), sometimes it's dim, sometimes it's off, but sometimes it comes flaring back when you least expect it--usually because of the work you put into it. Also, there are ways to manipulate your own neurotransmitters to your own benefit. Want to feel bonded with your lover? Try massage.

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Plan9

My woman isn't lactating. Can I borrow yours?

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Daniel_

Me next!

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Cimarron29414

What Tasineah said.

Basically I heard, "I would rather play video games than date an ambitious woman who makes me feel uncomfortable about my complacency." Personally, I think you might want to expound a little more - because right now, I'm rooting for her and that you set her free.

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Plan9

Yeah, pretty much anybody that mentions "video games" in a relationship thread automatically turns into a turd.

I'm almost certain that my mention of it, even in quotes, is going to result in a few pimples and a lack of blowjobs.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

I think it's been pretty well explained here that the problem is the disparity between goals.

I've been in a similar position where I see people around me doing "goaly" things while I either spin my wheels or simply stagnate. It's discouraging and can cause emotional blockages between others with whom you have close relationships.

I think it would be important to not just look at the relationship but to look at yourself and ask if you're happy with who you are. If you understand yourself and what you're doing, you will have the desire to form and maintain a healthy relationship with someone you love. Without that, you...well, stagnate.

It sounds like you might be distracting yourself. The video games thing can be a touchy subject. How much are you playing? I find in my own case, I use video games as serious escapism. Hours upon hours each week almost rivalling what the average American spends on watching television (OMG).

I got to the point where I realized I'm not getting out of it (or life) that I wanted, and so I cut it down (and, practically speaking, out). I figured that playing video games was a way to avoid confronting my fear of doing something useful such as read books, magazines, and newspapers that will give me the know-how and confidence to move forward in my work prospects.

So ask yourself: Do you like your work? Are you mapping out a career? Do you like how you spend your free time? Is it rewarding and fulfilling?

You're only 23. You shouldn't be "settled in" with anything yet. Most people never really do.

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ring

Well expressed, Baraka. Excellent.

Cynthetiq

I'm always amazed that people think that "and they lived happily every after..." is something to strive for.

Life is life. It's hard, be harder. It's boring, find a way to make it exciting.

This applies to relationships too. I'll tell you there are days when it's boring, but you know what, I still can't wait to get home every night to be with my wife after being married for 8 years. We still hold hands. We still kiss each other every day. We cuddle. We make funny talk with each other and have our own language that only we understand.

I work at our relationship every single day. So should you, even if it isn't this person, you should be working it every day when you find another.

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KirStang

I recently got out of a really good relationship. She was attractive, had all the right values, and made me feel good about a lot of things. In the end however, circumstances beyond my control and certain incompatibilities made me decide to end it. (Distance and inability to really communicate about the things in life that mattered to me).

When breaking up, it really boils down to your decision as to whether it is worth it to *YOU* to work at it, and to make sacrifices to make the relationship work. Ask yourself, what do I want in life, and is she who I want to share it with. Don't base your decision on the lack of excitement, or, the lack of spark, because those are things that are very easily changed (set aside time to do something fun together).

It seems like if your close friends tell you, "it takes work." They probably see you two as a good couple. If she is indeed your best friend, this tells me that communication and compatibility are already pretty strong.

So, before you split:

- Weigh what you like about her, versus what you don't like.
- Consider that you may be falling for the 'grass is greener' syndrome.
- Really think about your future, your goals, and if you can see her in them.
- Try your best to not make the decision based on fear.


Put down the game controller sometime and spend some quality time with her.

monkeysugar

Relationships do take work, whether you are 23, 18, or 90. Sitting around and not working on things is not going to make it work. If you want it to work out, put some work in. If you aren't ready for that, honestly just do her a favor and move on, and let her move on with her life. You'll probably regret it later on down the road, but if that is how it is, she'll be pissed off and hurt for a while but will eventually thank you for it.

So that magical "spark" is gone. You're not in the honeymoon/constantly fucking like rabbits stage of the relationship anymore, and you've figured out that yes, she does in fact pass gas and has bowel movements, and she performs said gastro-intestinal functions while you are in your shared place of residence. You've invested a fairly significant amount of time into this relationship, you're living with her, you're both adults with your own ambitions and goals. That's life. That is part of a relationship. If you miss that "spark," work on it. Break out of your routine, make doing things with her a priority, even if it just means finding some time to do things here and there. Relationships involve mutual compromises, growth, and communication. If you're not at the point in your life that you appreciate or want that, and would rather be back living the single life, hanging out with your boys, and going out and trying to get laid, there's nothing inherently wrong with that. However, it's probably something that should be figured out for both of your sakes.

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tasineah

I just noticed you titled your thread "Breaking Up"

not "relationship woes"

I think, like others said, you had your answer before the keyboard was tapped...

amonkie

You know what? You're 23.

What is important to you in your life changes as the years on that age number change.

Why did you start the relationship to begin with? Does that reason still hold true?


Someone once told me - relationships are 95% friendship and 5% lover. I don't always agree with the figure, but day in and day out.... it does have some truth. Why is the spark so important to you? Just think about any regular fire - once you light it, it inevitably goes out unless you keep feeding the fire. Sometimes that means you have to get creative to find fuel sources. Question then becomes, do you want to?

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fledgelove

The Real Answer= I,m a 50 year old guy, who has had every thought that is going through you head right now. I use to wonder, I use to worry, but when I look back, day to day every single thought changed in my head, everything was different, but one thing remained constant, the way you feel will change, wheather it be when you go to sleep or when you wake. If you truely love her, it's not that hard. If not, RUN!

Cavi Mike

Is it that you're afraid of a long-distance relationship or your fear of change?

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downbeat

it doesn't seem like the relationship you described merited a "I can't go on like this anymore" kind of feeling. Things seem shaky and lack of sex can be a struggle (especially if you are headed to concerts and out with your friends where its easy to get distracted) but if you are good friends then like many others have said your troubles are not due to losing something but due to the same energy and effort not being there anymore. Who tries harder than the guy trying to pick up a cute girl? Once you have her the shine can ware off.

Getting settled is pretty nice and comfortable, but can distract you. if you habitually wake up, go to work, come back home and play the same video game (or read or cook or do any activity habitually), then meet your friends for a while, and repeat that day in and day out, it can become habitual and that routine can become way more important than you expect.

I find that one of the best ways to see if the relationship still has that "spark" is to do something out of the ordinary, preferably something that neither of you are used to doing. weekend trip, visit to relatives, trying to learn something new (dancing is a great, although not for everyone) visiting a new pub, playing on a swing set, anything different will bring both of you out of your comfort zone and expose your active personalities again, which you might enjoy.

other peoples suggestions about the need for working on the relationship, the need to be honest with her and yourself, the need to consider "external" things like moving away are all important and I don't need to repeat them. Put yourself in a position that you can be honest with yourself, and then see if the juice is worth the squeeze. If not, let her go and tell her why. If it is, tell her and make sure you are enjoying what you have.

lastly, whatever you decide, make sure you give her a chance to have her say. Don't start a conversation with "I'm breaking up with you because...". Start with, "I think these things are coming between us..." or something like that. Eventually the conversation will lead to her asking you, "well, what do you want to do...?" and then you can answer truthfully without sucker punching her. Good luck, there are few things as difficult as the opposite sex.

nabbers

New user, but thought I'd input on this one.

You kinda know when it's time to "get the hell out of Dodge".

When you decide, do it with dignity, do it kindly and don't burn any bridges.

Be kind to yourself, but remember that if you aren't giving this relationship 100% then you may have to find those resources to get the next one off the ground. If there is a spark you are clinging onto in this relationship, then now is the time to give it that 100% and reignite that relationship.

It's ironic how we all pull out the stops to get a new partner, but get into lazy habits with the one we're with. If the love is still there, it breaks your heart to see them giving 100% to someone else!