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10-11-2005, 10:27 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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You had me at hello
Location: DC/Coastal VA
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Create your own rules
When I am king of the forest....
There will be limited gun ownership. I get the gun. Don't piss me off. Cleavage will be mandatory. The WB will be taken out behind the shed and snuffed. Howard Stern will have to shut up for a while. All residents are required to read the works of Sinclair Lewis. The new consitution will be the text of Main Street. You are officially required to get over yourself if you haven't already done so. There will be no Reba McEntire allowed.  If anyone remarks that I have no clothes when I prance around naked, they will be fed to the crows. Only I can prance. And occasionally the PM of England, by my discretion. I don't expect to prance much. The standard reply to "workin' hard or hardly working?" will be, "busier than a one legged man at a butt kicking contest." No philosophy will come from a bumper sticker. Turn in your badge and gun, you're done. Nebraska and Oklahoma will be required to start universities affiliated with their football teams. Snakes will be relocated to away from me. Spiders better damn well behave themsleves or face the same fate. J.K. Rowling will be shackled to the word processor until the 7th book comes to end that I must be satisfied with. Otherwise, she has to start all over from book one.
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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet |
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10-11-2005, 10:57 AM
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#2 (permalink) |
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peekaboo
Location: on the back, bitch
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When I am Queen of the forest...
All porn actresses will have real boobs and untight stomachs and if they do even ONE pouty lip look at the camera, they will be banished to Pittsburgh Every principal of every school (attendance is voluntary) will be a mom or dad with no less than 2 kids-no college required Every football game will run in an allotted 2 hours-no exceptions. Fumble or run out of bounds-too bad, clock's still ticking. Wine and beer will be in every store, next to the milk(Listen UP, NJ and PA) NASCAR will be a required college course so that pseudo-intellectuals will understand concepts of man vs machine, the thrill of speed, the workings of aerodynamics and physics, the effect of advertising on the american public and to stop calling us 'dumb hicks'. Screaming in songs will not be allowed. Any band caught doing so will be banished with the porn girls to Pittsburgh, where they can scream all they want. All movies will be released on DVDs 30 days after theatrical showings. No exceptions. Said DVD's will cost $3 Cars will run on processed corn plants and ragweed. All GM cars made between 1973 and 1990 will be scrapped. Speed limits on all the fabulously newly-smoothed straightened roads will be held to under Mach1. Bounties on centipedes, spiders and rats will be paid by the ounce. Any homeowner will pay to their town what they think is fair. Mayors, senators, congressmen, any politician, will be one on a voluntary basis and absorb their own costs. Jennifer Lopez, the Olsen twins, the Simpson sisters and the Hilton sisters will be banished to Pittsburgh and have to duke it out for supreme rule there with the porn girls. Comparisons of one against the other for any reason, especially appearance, will be cause for being duct-taped and thrown into a closet for a period not less than 7 days. This also will be enforced when attention is lavished on one person to excess and/or to the exclusion of others present. (this will not include your SO, of course) Marriage will be a renewable option.
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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em. |
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10-11-2005, 02:00 PM
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#3 (permalink) |
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Tilted
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When i am king of the forest....
Politicians will be payed by the hour(wage to be set in election by voters)... Politicians who decide we go to war will have to be the first ones on, and the last ones off the battlefield... The death penalty will be abolished(as it already is in most civilized nations)... Any police officer who commits a crime will recieve double the penalty of a normal citizen... College football postseason will be decided in a playoff system... Marijuana will be legalized... Spiders will be outlawed... Any action movie actor who attempts a one liner catch phrase in a film will be subjected to an asswhoopin' by Clint Eastwood who gets to spit a tobacco lugey on their foreheads after he knocks them out cold... Screen writers will be payed as much as the lead star of their film... The FCC will be banned... Thick girls with nice booties will replace annorexic models on runways all over the world... Indecent exposure laws will be abolished... Professional hockey will be shipped off to Canada, professional baseball goes to Asia or the Caribbean, and all the cities that had these teams in America will now recieve an NFL franchise if they didn't have one already... To accomidate the new volume of teams, Pro football will be played every Saturday also(sorry Ngdawg)... Credit Card companies will not be allowed to charge more than 5%... and ringers will be abolished on cell phones and only made in vibrate mode. |
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10-11-2005, 04:14 PM
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#4 (permalink) |
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comfortably numb...
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
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BOOM?.....
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it. |
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10-11-2005, 05:40 PM
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#6 (permalink) |
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If you've read this, PM me and say so
Location: Sitting on my ass, and you?
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If I were king of the forrest....
There will be limited gun ownership. I get the gun. Don't piss me off. Cleavage will be mandatory, unless you don't have the boobs for it. There would be more competition for Australia in cricket besides England If I prance around naked, you will cheer and applaud no matter how small my penis is Fashionanble lateness will be abolished KFC will be made fat and carb free...in fact it will have negative calories Old people will not be allowed to drive. |
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10-12-2005, 12:30 AM
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#8 (permalink) |
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Femme Fatale
Location: Elysium
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Merkins retail?
__________________
I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip. |
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10-12-2005, 12:55 AM
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#9 (permalink) |
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With a mustache, the cool factor would be too much
Location: left side of my couch, East Texas
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Read all about merkins!!
It is my hope to sell them retail, in stores, instead of in the lonely truckstops and roadside diners frenquented by the great unwashed. (Alright, I admit it. I'm one of the unwashed ones, but I will rise up one day...... and bathe!)
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10-12-2005, 01:18 AM
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#10 (permalink) |
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Femme Fatale
Location: Elysium
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"A merkin is a crotch wig" <- Hey I have one of those!
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip. |
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10-12-2005, 04:38 AM
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#12 (permalink) |
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Femme Fatale
Location: Elysium
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^^That's.. kinda frightening
 It actually works well as a crotch wig too ya know 
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip. |
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10-17-2005, 07:01 PM
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#14 (permalink) |
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Minion of the scaléd ones
Location: Northeast Jesusland
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When I am King of the Forrest:
I will give everyone in Algeria a Banjo. Budweiser, Heinekin, and Zima will be free, but only available as enemas I will have a pet mackrel named Aloyisus Texas will be liquidated I will have the biggest hat that money can buy. The dulcet tones of Blue Öyster Cult will be clearly audible everywhere, bringing peace to all things. The word "Chillax" will be banned. Those using it will be smeared with sheep dung. Pastafarianism will be the state religion. All bras will be peekaboo.
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Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. Last edited by Tophat665; 10-19-2005 at 07:58 PM.. |
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10-18-2005, 04:14 PM
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#15 (permalink) |
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Boy am I horny today
Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!
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When I'm King...
Nancy will be my queen, so my wife will have to play second fiddle... Sex will be open, nothing to hide, so if you're walking down the street, you can stop anyone for a ride  Pornos will be playes by real women and good looking guys (not that I'm looking at the guys) Cheese for all Restaurants will serve only good food, no gravy! (Good food deemed by me) There will be no need for police or politicians Nakedness will highly be encouraged Chocolate will be the food pyramid |
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10-18-2005, 04:30 PM
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#16 (permalink) |
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Submit to me, you know you want to
Location: Lilburn, Ga
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When I am Mistress of the world.....
All men will be required to wear kilts All things with the word wedding in the item name will be 70% LESS instead of 120% MORE Chevy will make me a new camaro every year...retro 1969 style, but with all new features invented for a car Maleficent will have final say in the punishment of stupid people Nancy, oh_shesus and *nikki* will do my bidding Bill O'Rights will waltz with me (wearing a kilt) anytime I want him to All dressed ruffles will be available all over the world .....I am tired....I will think of more
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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!! |
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10-18-2005, 10:38 PM
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#17 (permalink) |
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Insane
Location: Vegas!!
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When. . .
When I am queen . . NO ONE will be aloud to end a phone conversation by simply hanging up W I T H O U T saying BYE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
 Alright. Now all I have to do is become poweful somehow.
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Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana |
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10-19-2005, 03:10 PM
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#18 (permalink) |
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comfortably numb...
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
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aloud? poweful? /me needs some of that...
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it. |
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10-20-2005, 04:58 PM
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#19 (permalink) |
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...is a comical chap
Location: Where morons reign supreme
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When I finally get to make the rules....
All stupid people will be relocated to uninhabited parts of Siberia or Greenland. If these areas become too full, there is always Antarctica... Everyone over the age of 65 will be required to take a driving test every year. All other drivers will be required to take a driving test each time they renew their license. All athletes, actors, musicians, and other highly overpaid people will take a drastic pay cut. Paycheck is based on talent and work ethic. Excess funds from said pay cuts will go towards pay raises for teachers, policemen, firefighters, military personnel, and other such underpaid and underappreciated public service jobs. All biting, stinging, ugly, and otherwise annoying insects will be relocated with the stupid people. The only exception will be honeybees, who will all be rounded up and taken care of by professional beekeepers. Any "music" that sounds as if the singer swallowed the microphone and began making guttaral noises will be banned from the airwaves. Also, Avril Levigne, the Simpson sisters, and Hilary Duff will be banned from the airwaves. Bad Mexican restaurants are outlawed. There really will be a separation of Church and state. All stupid Utah liquor laws will be repealed immediately. Humvees and other too large SUVs will be outlawed. If you need more than one parking space to park your vehicle, you don't need to be driving. Birth control and sterilization will be free to anyone who wants them. Bell peppers, sauerkraut, and lima beans will be banned.
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"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king" Formerly Medusa Last edited by Grasshopper Green; 10-20-2005 at 05:03 PM.. |
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10-20-2005, 06:19 PM
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#20 (permalink) |
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<Insert wise statement here>
Location: Hell if I know
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When I Become Supreme Ruler of the World:
Religion shall be abolished, as it causes much strife and fighting. Any diety that objects will just have to deal with it. Artistic services and spectator sports shall be provided for free to all who wish to enjoy them, music shall be performed for the sake of making music, and not making money. Art will not be selling for hundreds or thousands of dollars a painting. Sports shall be played for the love of the game, and not getting the next endorsement deal. All SUV's that are not used for actual work, and just for driving to work, are to be destroyed and turned into smaller, more fuel effecient vehicles. Freedom of speech will mean freedom of speech, except for treason against my perfect ego, that shall be punishable by a firm taunting. Anybody convicted of rape shall be crucified unto the verge of death, allowed to recover, then skinned alive and dunked into a bath of salt water, and surviving that, have all their limbs removed without pain-killers and then left in the middle of the forest to die slowly of exposure. Anyone convicted of pre-meditated murder shall be hung on a gallows in the public square for the amusement of the crowd and to serve as a warning, all spontaneous murders shall be punishable with a 20 year sentece to prison, that's 20 years for each murder the criminal is convicted of. Speed limits shall be abolished, survival of the fittest shall ensue. The drinking age and all laws against recreational drugs shall be abolished, but anyone commiting a crime under the influence of these chemicals shall considered the same as if they had done the crime sober. Intoxication shall not be an excuse. I will be allowed to pilot/drive any vehicle that I wish to at any time. NASCAR will no longer be driven on oval tracks, a bunch of left turns is not entertainment, all racing will be done on road courses or rally setup. Restrictor plates will be abolished. Space exploration and furthering mankind's understanding of the universe will become the main goals of society. Sunburn will be abolished. I simply will not allow it. Dueling shall be brought back into the main stream, if two fools wish to try and kill each other, let 'em. The world would be a better place if it was free of half of them. Television shall no longer be censored. Tea time and Siestas will become mandatory practices all over the world.
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Apathy: The best outlook this side of I don't give a damn. |
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10-20-2005, 07:29 PM
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#21 (permalink) |
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Heliotrope
Location: A warm room
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When I am queen of the jungle,
People must participate in one artistic function or activity a month Public transit will be vastly improved, and anyone found driving when they could have taken transit instead will be forced to do community service. All public servents must take yearly ethics tests, written and graded by me and likeminded people Organized religion will be replaced with personal spirituality. All places of worship will be communial places of prayer, meditation and wellbeing, open to the community. No ugly buildings are to be erected. Anything boring will be taken down and replaced with something more tasteful. Parents will be paid for their efforts, which will be evaluated fairly and justly. People will have jobs that are actually productive and meaningful. Manufactured goods must not be charged for more than 10% profit. Discrimination against sex, race, gender, sexuality, age or anything else of that sort will be a punishable offence. trans-ops and other such things will be covered under health plans. All people must read Dan Savage's Savage Love by the time that they are 20. They will be tested on this. Equal wages for equal work. |
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10-20-2005, 07:34 PM
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#22 (permalink) |
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Warrior Smith
Location: missouri
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All people shall own at least one firearm, because an armed society is more polite
Dueling shall be leagalized and televised locally, on a pay per view channel- wanna duel, just go down to the local dueling arena, pay your (small ) tax for the right to do so, set your terms and weapons and have at thee all drugs shall be legalized- we obviously cant beat-em, so lets tax em Prison sentences shall be one half severe punishment and one half rehabilitation- rehab shall include counciling and job skills training- upon completion of sentence, a genuine effort shall be made to re-integrate people into society, get them jobs- full legal status and rights shall be restored- there shall be some exceptions to the above- cold blooded unprovoked murder = death on conviction- we are talking about cases where there is no doubt here, ie jeff dahmer, gacy, etc.... Violent rapists are to be turned over to the victim or victim's next of kin for punishment- whatever they want to do to em is fine with me... Child molesters and their ilk are to be fed to sharks- this would somehow be funny to me... care will have to be taken to avoid inflicting this on the 18 year old who fucks his 17 year old girlfriend though extremely dangerous sports are to be encouraged as they make sure that those fools who participate in them are either fine specimens, or lucky Gladiatorial arenas will make a big comeback- see above No one will be able to sell chicken fries Small nations that I invade will pay tribute- we will not be spending our cash to rebuild them... I will have a train of dancing girls with me at all times wearing a sword will be fashionable harems will make a big comeback (for both sexes, why should'nt girls have fun too) Stem cell research will be a priority- hell, medical advancements in general will be a big thing Schools will be better funded through the drug tax revenues, and will be safer Poodles will be outlawed, because no one can really take em seriously- beyond that there will be no breed bans, just owner responsibility..... Pirates will be encouraged by commissioning of my own privateers... cause that would be sweet.... executive sallaries will be curtailed to what I think is reasonable, and corporate looting and irresponsibility will be dealt with severly..... My legion of doom will wear black, and be able to shoot straight....
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Thought the harder, Heart the bolder, Mood the more as our might lessens |
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10-26-2005, 11:31 PM
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#23 (permalink) | |
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Femme Fatale
Location: Elysium
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Quote:
Except for the last rule... Allthough I love chocolate I wouldn't want it to be the sole content in the food pyramid..
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip. |
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| create, rules |
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