Sweetpea

Do you think having a baby would complete you?

Would you feel 'empty' if you didn't have (or adopt) a child?

I've heard this mentioned so many times . . . i'm getting into my mid-20's when some women are thinking about starting their families in a couple years, and many women have told me they would never feel complete if they didn't have a child one day. I think that society plays a role in this supposed need and perhaps genetics do as well?

I don't want children, nor do i think they would complete me or my life. And most women i share this information with, stare at me in shock and then shake their heads as if something is wrong with me.
I love children and i do the occasional nanny job with glee, i enjoy being around children . . . however, i don't want any of my own.

How do YOU feel about children?
Do you have to have one to complete your life??

please share your thoughts, observations and opinions

Thanks!

Sweetpea

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Gilda

I've said elsewhere that one of my goals is to one day be a full time housewife and mommy. Having a child will make me very happy, will fulfill a lifelong goal, and I will be less happy with my life if I'm never able to be a mother. For reasons that aren't relevant here, I can't have children myself, but Grace can, and in a couple of years likely will, and we'll be raising them together, two mommies. I'll be the primary caregiver at home, and I will be very happy in that role.

That said, no, I don't need to have a child to be happy or feel complete. I have that in my relationship with my wife and in my job. If I never have children, I can still be a complete person. I'm not there yet; I still have issues to work out as a result of past experiences, but I believe I will get there.

Having a child will make me happier than I would be without, though.

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Nancy

I feel exactly like you do about this sweetpea. I love kids but don't want to have any myself. Even though I know that Loverboy and I would have beautiful kids and we'd be excellent parents I still don't want any. A child would never complete my anyway if I did have one because I already feel complete.

I think it's today's society that creates the idea that hapiness equals starting your own family because it's in the society's interest that we produce a lot of children. To some extend there really is a lot of brainwashing going on in the media.. I mean just look at all those commercials including the perfect, happy family. As I see it our surroundings and society have come to expect that women automatically want children which annoys me. It's like we're not given the oportunity to seek or look for another kind of happiness without people bringing the conversation round to the establishment of a family.

IMO the result of such a pressure to start a family quickly is causing bad upbringing, a high divorce rate and the Cindarella complex.

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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy.
I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

Sweetpea

Thank you Gilda for so eloquently putting into words the difference between the compulsion to have children and the Wanting a child to enrich your life but not 'needing' the child.



I love you

Sweet Pea

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Sweetpea

Thank you Nancy for such a thoughtful response and you brought up some interesting points, of which i agree with you on, specifically, women being disillusioned when they do have children and find it is not the 'happy family land where moms are never stressed or tired' which is created in the media, rather, hard work and dedication reign supreme with children.

I'll be interested to see where this discussion goes.

I'd also love to hear from some women who feel that children would actually complete them. I know lots of women who feel this.



thanks,

sweet Pea

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Ella

I've always wanted children, and could not imagine my life without my girls. They definitely complete me and my life is richer for having them.

I admire you ladies who harbor no desire to have children....if you can recognise that fact before you bring unwanted children into this world, our planet will end up with more kids who are loved. And that's exactly how our children should feel.

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Meditrina

I had always thought that children would complete me. Now that I have 2, a boy and a girl, I can see that is not always true. I love them dearly and I cannot see my life without them, but there is more to life than that. There are many pieces to this puzzle called life, and everyone has different things that complete it.

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ShaniFaye

I didnt feel anymore complete when I had my daughter than I did before. I knew I always only wanted to have one and no more but I cant really tell you why I wanted one, I think it was its because it was "what you were supposed to do" get married and have kids. Not that I would trade my daughter for ANYTHING in this whole entire world and I love her more than life itself, but if I had it to do over again I'm not so sure I'd have had any children. When I met Dave this was a big discussion for us as he had no children and I knew without a doubt I didnt want anymore and I didnt want him missing out.

Fortunately for me he has never ever wanted children of his own and he's happy being a step daddy.

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lurkette

Momentary semantic rant:

What exactly do people mean by "complete me"? I can't imagine ever feeling "complete" in the sense that I have everything in my life that I want or need - first, impossible, and second what stagnation! If people think that that is what they're going to get from a relationship or from having a child, they're in for a whole lot of disappointment. I don't mean to be condescending, but I feel a bit sorry for anyone who tries to find "completion" outside themselves - why hand over so much power to any person or thing? What happens if that person leaves or dies, or that thing disappears? Seems much better to recognize ones own inherent completion and then do things because they're in line with who you are, rather than looking for something to fulfill what you see as an essential lack in your life.

Now "fulfill" I think I can understand - it doesn't carry the same connotations of permanent satisfaction (or satisfaction of some basic inadequacy in you) but more like an ongoing process, or complementarity with one's basic personality and self.

/rant

To answer your actual question, I don't think having a child would complete me (see rant above). It might be fulfilling, as I think (along the same lines as Nancy) that ratbastid's and my children (little lurkbastids - how cute!) would be wonderful and I think we'd be good parents, and it would be a real growth and learning experience. But we really have no desire to have kids. I sometimes think it might be nice, but when I think about being ultimately responsible for another person's life 24/7 for 18 years, and then still responsible to some extent for the rest of their lives, I could crawl into a closet and hide in terror. And watching my parents lose and adult child has sort of put a damper on things as well, although I know potential loss (but what loss!!!) is not really a valid reason for avoiding what could be a great experience. I love my nephew to pieces, but I love being able to hand him back to his parents and go dancing. I will love being "vice-parents" to our best friend's (D&S's) children, and maybe when I see what having kids looks like up close, I might change my mind, but I think my path goes in another direction.

To go on another rant on Nancy's coattails, I hate how "family" has been defined in our culture - it's simultaneously an institution of control (look at how the media and our politicians define "family values" - "true" families only look one way) and a commodity - Nancy's "shiny happy family," an accessory to make your life better, like an Ipod or a minivan. I look at my circle of friends and my um....special relationships (with D&S) as my "chosen family." A huge part of the reason I don't want kids is actually because I don't want to just "default" into our culture's expectations of what IS supposed to complete you, how you're supposed to behave to be a "productive member of society." I really want to choose my life, and right now I don't choose children.

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abaya

I'm 25, and even though this would be the "ideal" age to start having kids, I can't see myself having them... for an indefinite period of time. I'd be willing to start thinking about it once I was married, or once I hit 30, but no guarantees there. I feel no need to have my own children, never have... and I think I would only like to have children if I truly WANTED to have them, not out of pressure of any kind.

About five years ago, when I graduated from a Christian university, ALL of my friends got married and now they're starting to have kids galore. They think I'm set on being a "career woman" (since I'm getting my PhD) and that eventually I'll come around to the wonders of motherhood. I think they've been looking for false security blankets their whole lives, and kids are just the next big thing to grab onto. Maybe I will come around eventually, maybe I won't... to me, it should not matter. It comes down to what you and your partner want in the long run, not what society wants.

When ktspktsp and I went rafting on Sunday, we got stuck with a girl scout troop. Mind you, I actually enjoyed hanging out with 3 intelligent, entertaining 10 year olds... and 10 has always been my favorite age of kid to hang out with, if forced to do so. However, I could see myself doing something like scouts or some other youth club once a week or so, and being just as fulfilled (and much more energized) from that as I would be from having my own kids. When I taught high school, I found that job to be very fufilling, and as a result couldn't imagine coming home to a family of my own on top of that daily experience. All of the jobs I've had are very people-oriented, but if I had a family I'd have to come home and continue being other-oriented, cleaning up after them and changing diapers, listening to whining voices and video games, until I dropped into bed, exhausted. Not my idea of a life, though I'm glad others are into it.

Basically I am WAY too selfish to have kids right now, or anytime in the near future, or perhaps for the rest of my life. And I'm fine being that way, actually, and letting people who WANT to be mothers, have that job.

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Lead543

Weeeelll, I know I'm a little young to answer this...
I plan on going to school, getting married and having kids, within the next 10-12 years. As long as my kids are at home, I'll be at home too. If it won't work financially, I won't have kids. Sweetpea mentioned a certain shocked reaction at her saying she doesn't want to have kids, I get the same one when I tell people I want to be a stay at home mom. "What a waste." I find it sad that being a stay at home mom is considered a waste to some, whereas I see it as the best thing for a child.

Anyways, enough of that rambling. Children are brought into this world facing bullies, war, evil, choices, etc. The last thing they need is the added burden of "completing" their mother. Families are far from traditional nowadays, so why should having 2.4 kids, a mom, a dad, a dog and a picket fence be what a woman needs to feel complete? I won't need children in the future to feel complete, I won't need a husband to feel complete. I've done the work it takes to make myself complete with or without the things I want.

I know my boyfriend's looking at this pale in the face saying NO BABABABAIES!
hehe jk

Supple Cow

Off-hand, I would say no. I don't need to have a child to complete me. However, I'm very in touch with my selfish desires these days and I realize that I would really want one eventually. It's the whole legacy thing... not that I think I'm going to be some dynasty and that I need a kid to carry it on. It's more about facing the end of my life and running for that finish line as someone who is always becoming more. I couldn't become any more than if I gave some of me in creating a child and then let that child become more in their own way throughout their life. It also takes the sting off the idea of death for me. I wouldn't feel like dying was such a final and terrible thing if I had a child. S/he would keep part of me alive, and death wouldn't mean the end of everything I worked so hard to become in my lifetime.

Of course, there's no way in hell I'm going to have a child if a doctor tells me it's going to endanger my health in any kind of serious way, or if I'm simply not in a financial position to have one before menopause rolls around. I still have to look out for number one.

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la petite moi

No, but a kitty would!

Children seem like a hassle. Yes, they are cute and are little genetic clones of you (sorta), but they are expensive and limit you on anything you would want to do in the future.

veruca

No, a family will not complete me. My husband I have an amazing life and I have no plans to add a child to it. I have never wanted children, and I knew when I was little that if I decided that I wanted one, I wouldn't start considering it till 30. I love children, I adore my friends children...I just do not have the desire to be that responsible and give up that much of my life. I have been through that guilt trips about no grandbabies...and had to endure the speeches about how AMAZING children are from my friends...I finally got sick of it and made it very clear to everyone, that I do not want children and to leave me alone..after some tears from his mother and hurt looks from my friends, everyone is on the same page..lol.
I think far too many people who are not fit parents are having children...and I am frightened by all the stories that you hear about everything from school shootings to drinking to molesters to even think of dealing with that with someone I would love as much as I would love my baby.
do any of you feel that it is worse today than it was 20 years ago? or are we just more informed....

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Sweetpea

To answer your rant

I choose the term 'complete' because the women i have spoken with actually use that term and mean it.
They hold onto the idea of children like it will change them into the people they want to be, hence, the idea in their minds of 'Completion.'

Do i believe in being 'complete' at any time in your life? I think one can have moments of feeling fulfilled, but since human beings are always growing and changing, there is no such thing as complete.

Thanks,

Sweet Pea

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la petite moi

Yeah, sweetpea, it's like using the word "perfect" in a sentence. The perfect date, the perfect friend, etc. Obviously, when we say perfect we mean what we would really like at that moment, since perfection is impossible.

"Complete" is the closest word to describe the feeling some women feel.

Sage

I do not want kids! I do, however, think that it would be really great to be a "housewife" some day. I want to get my Master's, perhaps even a doctorate, and I would like to go to more school, but by no means do I consider myself on "a career track." I just like going to school.

If oneday I change my mind about having a kid, it won't "complete" who I am, it'll just be another fun expierence in my life.

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settie

I try to take my life in small steps. And seeing as I am only 19 and have yet to be in a serious relationship, the answer is no.
I still think my answer would be no, whatever my dating status was. And that is because like Lurkette I don't think complete is a good word to use, fulfill is better.
A child is a big step, one I am most definitely not ready for, especially mentally. Now don't get me wrong, I love kids, I am crazy about my cousins, I love to babysit them. But I realize how much dependency that requires on your part, and how important it is to be prepared to take care of a child, as there are many things that come with a child.
I most definitely want some time to myself, and when I find the right guy in a few years, I'll want to spend time just with him. When I am ready for a child, I don't believe it will complete me, rather, it will be another step that I have taken in my life.

KinkyKiwi

i'm still too young and i know that i'm not ready for kids now...or teh next few years for that matter. but i know that in 7-12 years i'll be ready and i'll want to have kids. i do in a sense feel that once i'm married with a husband who loves me (and my cooking) and children to take care of i'll feel more complete. i feel i'm one of those people who need children of their own. however...strangly enough i can't tolerate otehr peoples children. especially little females..of any age.. i can handle and even enjoy taking care of little boys tho. i know biznatch and i will have stunning children oneday. and well each have something to offer them. its something i totally look forward to in my future!

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onodrim

I can't remember a time in my life when I ever felt I needed something to be a more complete person. When I started going out with SecretMethod70, I was perfectly happy with who I was. Now, we've had an amazing relationship and I've grown through being with him, but I see it as more of a postive addition to what is my life, not that he filled a hole that was there. I think a child would be the same way. Yes, I love children and I do want to have some of my own one day, but if I don't for whatever reason, that would be alright too. I have no doubt that a child would enrich my life in incredible ways, but I wouldn't feel "empty" if I don't have one of my own.

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-Carl Sagan

Gilda

I think of feeling "complete" as being a goal to strive for, a state of being satisfied with every important part of one's life. I have days when everything seems as if this is how it is supposed to be, as if this is what I want my life to be. Perhaps the Maslow term self-actualized is closer to what I'm thinking of. If you define "complete" as meaning a permanent state of satisfaction with one's life, then I agree that it's not really possible, nor even desirable.

But I do think we can find competion, in the sense of long-term satisfaction, in certain aspects of our lives. For example, I'm very happy with my job right now, and have no desire whatsoever to advance further in my career. Being a classroom teacher is what I want from my career, and all by itself it's challenging and fulfilling. That part of my life is, at this point, complete. Maybe someday in the future I'll decide that teaching an evening adolescent literature class isn't enough, I want to be a college professor. The goal might move at some pount.

How do we define completion (or fulfillment, or self-actualization) if not through how we interact with externals and how that interaction makes us feel? My relationships with my family, with my job, with my home take me to a place where I can be happy. If all of that were suddenly gone tomorrow, I would be devastated.

That said, having a baby is exactly the wrong place to look for that part of your life, because your job as a parent is by definition never complete. I've seen too many girls who thought that getting pregnant and having a baby would give them someone to love who would always love them, who thought that it would complete them, or fix that broken part of their lives.

I try to pound it into their heads that having a baby is a burden. We do opportunity cost each year in Family Planning, and a baby, a child, represents the single biggest opportunity cost a person has. A baby is a black hole that sucks up your time, your money, your energy, often your emotional strength. Unless the benefits outweigh those costs--and for many, many people they do--having a baby is not a good idea.

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Biscuit Buns

I don't use the term "completion," but I do feel better about myself and my life now that I have a son. I feel that it's just a piece in the puzzle of my life. Two years ago, I could not imagine my life with kids. I grew up in a very close family with a lot of traditional family values, but having children was not what I saw for my future. Period. Fate intervened and I can see now that I was meant to be a mother. Surprisingly (to me), motherhood comes very naturally and very easily. Second nature, I suppose. I could see myself with one more, but only after I'm able to devote the time to that child that my toddler son currently receives.

I believe that some people are meant to be mothers and some people aren't. There's nothing negative about deciding not to have children and I applaude people who can make that choice. I feel that a child should be a compliment to your life/your family's life, but certainly not a "completion." Life is never really "complete" and always evolving, so I guess that's why I don't like the thought that "a baby completes my life."

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Sweetpea

Lead543,

Firstly, you've got a great additude, you seem like a very grounded person. And you're never too young to put in some valid two cents around here

I personally don't think it's a waste for moms to be staying at home . . . or to just plain be homemakers for that matter, taking care of the home, bills, finances etc. is alot of work, even without children. I only work part time and i am a homemaker the rest of the time to support my husband's very demanding career, i choose to do it and it works for us beautifully.

There seems to be a trend lately of allot of women choosing to be stay-at-home moms and even men choosing to be Mr. Mom's . . . and i think that is fantastic for children. My mom was a stay-at-home until i was in high school and i certainly Loved knowing that when i came home i would have somone to help me with my homework and to play a board game with, and to this day, i am very close with my mother, probably because she was able to stay at home to take care of us.

I respect women who choose to work and be moms
I respect women who choose to stay and work in the home.
It's all about choice.

Good points Lead543.

Sweet Pea

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la petite moi

Sweetpea, I have to say that in my mother's case, it was NOT a good thing that she stayed home. She is now a depressed housewife that basically refuses to go back to work on the grounds that she is "clinically depressed."

I am not close to my mother BECAUSE she stayed home and nagged me constantly.

Apache

Well I know people who never had kids and never regretted it. I also know some who said they never wanted kids and now do and couldn't imagine not having them. I know for myself that when my husband and I married we were young. I was only 19 and he was only 21. We knew we wanted kids someday just not right then. However once we were married about a year and a half I really started wanting to have children. I wanted them while I was still young. He wasn't as ready and wanted to wait so we did. For 5 1/2 years we waited. Last summer we decided we were ready and to our suprise 3 weeks later we found out we were already 6 wks pregnant! My son was born March 9th. After only 2 months I can't imagine life without him.!
Before he came along my husband and I had a great relationship, we just bought our first house that I LOVE, but it still just wasnt enough. Now that my son is here I feel like I have everything I ever wanted. I never saw myself as a career woman, I just wanted to grow up, get married, and be a mommy. My husband has the career, but also works from home so he gets to be here with the baby all day too, and he loves it.
I wouldn't say that I had a baby to complete me, but I know my life is exactly where I always wanted it to be. The only way it could be better now is to have more children.....way way in the future

cellophanedeity

I'd like to have kids one day. I dedicate an hour and a half to hanging out with 5-7 year old Beaver troops, and even when they're misbehaving I sort of like them. I want to be able to teach someone throughout their entire life. Not just for one year as they go through the classes I hope to one day teach, but to be able to watch a person grow and develop. Sort of a little science project, or something.

Though I agree with the idea of never being complete, I think that having children is an experience that I do not want to miss out on.

BlueBongo

Well... I am currently at no point to raise children or even thing about bringing them into the world. I know that a child or children would not "complete me". I don't know at this point if I even want children.... seeing how some are treated just sickens me. All the welfare celebrities I've lived around.. just using the kids to get money out of the gov't so they don't have to work... I just hate that.
I love kids, though. I enjoying spending time with my 4yr old niece and 10 yr old cousin. I've been taking then to the park, zoo, and all the time to various museums around Phoenix since I've been home. Since I have them at my given whim it's nice to spend time with them and then drop them off... might sound bad, but it really makes me realize that I am in no way, shape, or form ready to have children. I dont know that I ever will be either. Though there is nothing wrong with the kids.. I just don't know that I want to bring a life into the world when I can barely handle mine and taking care of myself at any given time. Just doesn't seem fair.

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StickODynomite

This goes both ways, really.

I'm not close to my mother because she was rarely home, and to this day she hardly knows me. I want to have one child, live in a cozy home and be there for my kid (stay at home mommy). I know how important this is because my mother wasn't there for me when I needed her the most. I feel it's essential and when we're ready to have a child I will be at SAHM (this is also what my SO prefers).. that's our plan. I know it's not for everyone.

I'm very mothering (my friends poke fun sometimes because I'm like that with them) so i think that a child would help complete me in a sense, yes. I think I would deeply regert not having a child. My decision has nothing to do with society because I don't give a hoot what society rambles on about being 'ideal' or anything along those lines. I care about what makes me happy.

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snowy

I wouldn't say having a child would complete me. I think I'm pretty "complete" as is. That said, that doesn't mean I don't want children. I do have a strong desire to raise a family.

It's like the question: do you need an S.O. to complete you? No, I hope not, but wanting one, needing one, or desiring to have one isn't a bad thing.

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raeanna74

I've known since I was a teenager that my talent was in working with children. I don't think I ever felt like I needed a child to complete me though. At one point before I started dating hubby I went through quite a dry spell without a boyfriend. I dreamed up this life, living on my own, and teaching. That was it. I was happy with that concept of my life. After hubby and I got married we got pregnant without planning for it. We simply didn't try to prevent it. She came, we were glad to have her, we're content with just one. She didn't fill an empty place for us. In a sense a place was created by us just for her. I think we'd have been content without a child. Though no matter what I knew I'd always be working with children in some capacity. My daughter just gives me an opportunity to dedicate more time and energy to one specific child.

I have heard this question posed before and was puzzled by it. It seemed to me odd that someone would base their feeling of completeness (dunno if that's a word but oh well) and success on being able to procreate. Why base your self worth or emotions on another being. Humans fail us all the time. Besides - it seems like that could be quite a large burden for a child to carry. They never turn out how you expect.

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Seeker

I've been thinking.. again.. I wonder if the women that say they want a child to complete them are the type of people that need validation through others? Like in the way that la petite moi's Mum is. Are they the type that will live 'through' their children, forcing them in the direction they wanted to go.. then when the child grows and wants a life of their own and to persue their own goals, their mothers find their behaviour appauling or cannot relate to their children at all. Then sit around depressed for the rest of their life because they really have nothing.

I'm probably just stating the obvious here.. but I'm not sure what I would say to someone if they told me they wanted a child to complete them.. Maybe I should lighten up as I suppose some women might mean it in the way that, that is what they have planned as their life's goal.. so to have a child or children would complete their plans... (sorry, just thinking aloud here )

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pinkie

I understand people who decide that they don't want kids. My sister thinks she never wants kids. She's 27. Do I think she might regret never having kids? Yes. Is that her decision? It sure is, and all I can do is support her in whatever she chooses. I totally respect that, but would still love to be an Auntie. Something inside of me changed when I had my baby. Life became about care... Care in a way I could have never come close to understanding until it happened to me.

But who's to say that having a child fulfill a need to nurture and love is dysfunctional? We are built to reproduce, it’s an instinct. Having a child is a cycle continuing itself. For some, “family” defines who they really are. They live to see their children grow up, to live, and have children of their own. Not in a controlling or needy way, but in a loving, accepting way. And what about grandchildren!? Now, what grandparent doesn’t live for their grandchildren? Is this desire of love, devotion, and loyalty really “too needy?” I think not. Love is a need - from the beginning of life, we need it to survive, and we always will.

Of course there’s a big difference between thriving/healthy love and dysfunctional neediness, and people choose their own realities, but to say that having your offspring complete a part of your life is dysfunctional in general is too much of a negative stereotype in my eyes.

Having a child is the ultimate lesson in love. Some pass, others fail miserably. I think giving life is important, and an opportunity to give of yourself and watch someone you adore grow. I can remember when my daughter’s feet were smaller than my hand and as soft as satin. Now they’re big and rough, but she still likes to be tickled. She’s this beautiful creature that I helped bring into this world, and she’s the only life left of her daddy. I see him in her everyday, and in a way, he still lives.

She’s a blessing.

pinkie

"I understand people who decide that they don't want kids."

1) No desire - to much of a hassle, not for them.

2) Too big of a commitment, don't feel ready.

3) Fear (for whatever reason) Feel unfit, like they wouldn't make good parents. Had a bad experience growing up and don't want to repeat a cycle...etc.

Is that about right?

ChrystalRainne

personally, i would love to have children of my own,
will i not be complete if i don't have one, no, i'll be just as happy without a child as i will with a child, if i have kids that's great, if not oh well,

i think it has to do with how much you think of yourselfs, from talking to some of my friends who have kids. there is something about a little person depending on who that boostes your opion of yourself.

Sweetpea

thank you ChrystalRainne for your thoughts and welcome to the Ladies Lounge!

Sweetpea

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Squishor

I don't feel that having a child would complete me, I feel that a child would get in the way of me completing myself. I'm not willing to sacrifice my life for the sake of motherhood, although there is a part of me that wishes that I wanted that, because I'm sure I'm missing out on a wonderful experience. The fact is, I don't really like being around kids all that much and the whole idea of pregnancy and childbirth kind of repulses me. Nonetheless, I'm sure that if I had actually had a child, I would love it and be a good mother. There's really no doubt of that in my mind. However, after considering everything, including the fact that it took me until almost age 40 to get my act together, I had a tubal ligation and now will not be having any children.

I don't know what it is about people that compels them to hand out advice on some of the most personal aspects of other people's lives. I can't tell you how many times I've had other women tell me I should have children. It just absolutely confounds me how judgmental some people are. I don't want to rant about it, but let me just say the pressure to have children is enormous!

eMOTIONal20

I agree. I have so many other aspirations for my life that the thought of marriage and having children scares me. This fear comes from feeling like because of the way my family was, I somehow think I am cursed with having a horrible marriage and screwing up my kids. I am also afraid that it's all just going to get in the way of what I want to do. I would be unhappy as a housewife and stay-at-home mom, and I would be unhappy if I wasn't there for my kids.

Another thing-- I have never taken care of a child before in my life. I would not know where to start, and even learning something like that has the potential to mess up a kid if I don't do it right.

Wow. This thread just made me realize a lot of issues I have with this fear.

I have a fear of failure, and once again... I need therapy.

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"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

little_tippler

It's interesting how most of us reject the word "complete". I think this is a product of modern society, where everyone must be independent and self-reliant, every (wo)man for himself and all that. Also, no-one likes to think that something is "missing" from their lives. If you are incomplete then there is some part of you that is missing or needs to be filled by something outside yourself.

For myself I have had times in my life when I felt something was missing. I'm sure a time will come when I feel I want to have a child, and if I don't then that element which I wish for my life will be missing. Maybe I will be incomplete in that moment if I don't have a child. But the thing is, that missing part will probably be filled by something else that will make me "happy". That is all part of the adaptability of humans and also our ability to come to terms with loss or "incompletion".

I would love to have a child, because I have never thought that I didn't want one, and that is just a simple desire that I have. I want to go through that experience because it will surely be life-changing and make me learn so much about myself and others. I also like the idea of having someone who is part me, part my SO, and who I can love unconditionally, or at least try, and have the same from them too. I want to grow old and see my babies grow and live their own lives and create their own goals and fulfill their own dreams. It must be almost magical in its simplicity. I also hope that if I never have children, that I find the strength in me to move on and continue dreaming and find "completion" in other small pleasures.

That said, you must think I'm one of those women sweetpea is talking about who feel they have to have a child to be complete. That is not what I mean. It's simple: I want to have children, and I think it will be a good thing in my life. But if I do not have any, I hope to still feel complete in myself.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

SiN

good post, tippy

I too reject the 'complete' term, (and am guilty of independence and self-reliance).

I may or may not have a child some day.

I would need to feel 'complete' first in order to do it.
that is a big criteria for readyness, in my mind.

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SiN

d'oh! double posting ...

spot on, Squishy

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