little_tippler

I took a while to decide whether to post this or not but I really could use some advice other than telling myself what I should be doing...

So here goes.
I am not the most sexual person. I like sex, and enjoy it, but I feel that I have yet to shed my inner "little girl". Seeing as I'm 24, it's easy to see why I'm on the border. I also feel that sometimes my libido is quite low, and I don't know why (could be illness related in my case). My SO is extremely sexy to me and I always feel attracted to him, but sometimes sexually my body isn't responding/willing. I'm really bad at initiating sex, mainly because I don't feel confident and also because I feel...silly. That sounds weird but it's just I feel stupid sometimes about the sexual "game". I don't quite know how to go about it sometimes, I make stupid jokes and often ruin the mood. I've had a few occasions in which I took the lead, but usually I get very nervous about saying or doing what I want. I know my SO would love for me to be more assertive and "sexy", but sometimes I just feel physically paralyzed. For example, he once told me that he'd love it if he was woken up one morning with a BJ. I know, simple right? Wrong. When I got round to it, I really had to force myself to do it, as I was soooo nervous. In a way, it's like I'm afraid of something.

Maybe this isn't just a simple problem of being more assertive, but I'm sure if I was it would help my sex life a lot.

So basically I would love some tips on what I could do to become more assertive, and sexy/enticing...I hope you know what I mean. If this is too unclear, just let me know, I can give you more details. Thanks for any help you can offer.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

ngdawg

Your nervousness probably comes from several sources: upbringing(bad girls do this, good girls dont do that), self-consciousness(am I attractive enough),
fear of rejection.
Sometimes forcing yourself to move beyond your past thinking is the only way to go. No one ever died from trying to be more assertive and your fears, while they come from somewhere, are just that-fears. There is nothing tangible about them. Fear controls way too much of our thinking, holds us back from personal growth and prevents self-discovery.
You could try a sort of role-play. By pretending to be someone you aren't, someone a bit more assertive, perhaps even a bit slutty and just going for broke, you may discover things about yourself that surprise you. It's hard to do, and can be a bit intimidating at first, but you have nothing to lose, everything to gain. This will bring you out of yourself and release those constrictive fears that have been holding you back. In time, this will become a part of you and you won't have to try or pretend.
Ask yourself why waking him up with a bj made you so nervous, tell yourself your fears were totally unfounded (which they were, obviously) and keep at it-it will become second nature and the freedom you finally feel will carry into other aspects of your life-I guarantee it.
Good luck!

Squishor

I think in addition to what ngdawg said, you can work on cultivating your libido with your mind through practice. The more horny you are, the easier it will be to overcome your inhibitions, right? Aside from physical causes, which you may or not be able to do something about, I am sure that you will be more horny if you think about sex more. It's easy sometimes for us to not be in touch with our sexual/sensual nature because we're simply not in the habit of it. For example, say you're on your way to go meet him. Are you thinking about what his hand is going to feel like on your skin, or are you wondering whether you can afford to buy a new laptop this year? So start thinking about it, start fantasizing and see if you can get yourself more in the habit of it. Buy yourself some erotica, maybe a book of women's fantasies like My Secret Garden. Good luck!

sexymama

Great advice above. Maybe another thing to consider is taking it slow. Start by doing simple things like kissing his neck when he's on the computer. Cuddle up to him when watcing TV or a movie. Reach over and take his hand. As he responds well to these simple "come ons" your confidence may grow allowing you to become more and more daring.

__________________
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

little_tippler

I guess I'm pretty shy and selfconscious, and perhaps my upbringing (or lack of specific sexual education besides the "scientific" approach) is also to blame. All these exercises you've suggested sound interesting, I might give them a go. Role-playing might work, I used to do some amateur acting and was told I was good! But I think I'll still feel stupid sometimes. Forcing myself sucks, even though I know rationally he won't reject me it's still there, a kind of panicky thing...like what I said about the BJ. I lay there in bed next to him, and was trying to work out how to do it so he wouldn't feel anything till I was "there" so to speak, but he was in a bad position for me to reach, and then I was scared to do it, and so I thought about it for at least an hour before I actually DID it! How stupid. I already do smaller things, like cuddling, kissing, etc. It's the bigger things I find more daunting to initiate. I can't even explain exactly why.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

astrahl

Rejection is hard to take, especially as a woman, I think. My guess is that if you approach him, he would probably LOVE it for you to be forward and assertive. Most men go crazy for that stuff. I have serious doubts that he would think of it as silly.

I'm not good at initiating either, but for a different reason. I find that I have a problem with verbal communication when it comes to intimacy. I prefer visual and touch signals, but my husband disagrees. He likes for me to ask for what I want and tell him what to do, etc., I find that to be a total turn off.

I guess I have this idea that sex is supposed to be this mind connection and if you are both on the same wave length, you don't need words. I know he isn't a mind reader, but I really don't like the feeling of words during intimacy. They feel so overt and obvious, like you don't have to be engaged in the moment to understand what the other person wants. I much prefer sex when there is no talking.

But, back to you, yeah...totally go at him once and see how he likes it. You are attracted to him and if you feel secure in the relationship, you shouldn't feel sheepish about trying the assertive route at least once. If he is that receptive, you may find that you REALLY love it.

Let us know how it goes and best of luck!

little_tippler

I find that I'm terrible with words mostly in sex too, but the funny thing is when I'm into it, I can actually do dirty talk to some extent. But yeah, all the "tell me what you want" stuff isn't exactly a turn on...especially as my imagination is lacking in the fantasy department. I'm pretty simple that way.

edit: I guess like Squishor said, I need to take care of my mindset towards sex. I suppose the more I think about sex the more I'll get the imagination I lack...

Thanks so much for all the help girls, please keep your advice coming, I need all the help I can get!

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

darkangel

I just wanted to thank little_tippler for posting this issue, because I have the -exact- same problem. Some excellent advice was given.

__________________
"I'm gonna die when it's time for me to die.. so let me live my life the way I want to." - Jimi Hendrix

little_tippler

no problem, I suspect that many ladies out there have this same problem. I'm hoping for some more ladies to come forward and give us their views on this...and help. Has anyone successfully overcome their lack of assertiveness in sex? I'd love to know, gives me incentive!

BTW, last night I was able to initiate sex and it was great. I felt awkward but once I got over that I forgot about being scared...he gave me a huge grin when I did, as if he wasn't quite expecting it...made it really worthwhile!

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

ngdawg

See that? And not only did you NOT die of embarrassment or rejection, you made 2 people very happy!
I speak from experience as I was a major whimp in all areas not long ago. The only one I truly was depriving was me.
Keep it up! (in more way than one, eh? )

bad jane

something else that may help (or not?) is attempting these sorts of things in the most comfortable environment you can create. i know for myself, if i'm doing something a little out of bounds sexually i prefer it to be at night. i want it dark (a few candles are ok) and i don't want background distractions like the tv or music. i've never really examined why but after a while i noticed the pattern. a friend of mine is the exact opposite--she wants all the lights on when trying something different! to me, it's more intimidating in that setting, for her--it makes it less intense. something to think about anyway.

Miss Ina

It's good to hear you're able to come out of your shell a little. I know I used to be really shy about sex to the point where I wasn't even able to enjoy it. My problem was always being too self-conscious -- wondering how I looked to my partner, whether I was doing things right, what they were thinking about, and so on ... it got pretty crippling. And yeah, sometimes those little sex "games" do seem so ridiculous that it seems impossible to imagine someone doing them with a straight face.

Since then, though, I've become a bit more comfortable with my own body when I'm with someone else. Part of that involved conscious will of my own, but a lot just took some time and natural maturation (since I'm very young in the first place), which I know will only continue into the future.

__________________
The word "time" split its husk; poured its riches over him; and from his lips fell like shells, like shavings from a plane, without his making them, hard, white, imperishable words, and flew to attach themselves to their places in an ode to Time; an immortal ode to Time.
—Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway

Stoneygirl76

Something else that might help is finding and becoming at ease with YOUR sexuality, all others aside.

Think of it this way (and it's pretty much the same with self-confidence in general) if you feel sexy, and comfortable with being aroused and turning yourself on, you're going to turn your partner on. Get to know your sexual self, and you'll be more comfortable and confident sharing it with him.

Wear sexy nighties when you're home alone. Seduce yourself one evening. Put on some sensual music, some scented candles, a glass of wine. Take a bath, and pay attention to what things turn you on. Caress your skin with body oils, become familiar with your body. Think of yourself as a sexy, sensual woman.

When you exude sex (and believe me, over time, you will, if you get to know what you desire sexually and what feels good to you) you concentrate on the experience, the now, and not all those little niggling fears and hang-ups that try to overwhelm you.

Assertiveness comes with confidence and assurance. You learn to focus on what you want, and be persistent about achieving it.

Starlight4

Little_tippler, I can honestly say that I completely understand what you're going through because I've gone through all of that myself. I'm almost turning 24 and I've had a low libido (even though I find my b/f very sexy) and was scared to "venture" and explore sex.

I never enjoyed oral sex (giving or receiving) until just recently because I felt self-conscious about it. What I've discovered is that you honestly just have to let yourself ENJOY what sex has to offer and allow yourself to feel good without feeling guilty. You can also feel good knowing that you're making the person you care about feel REALLY good, too. I was brought up to believe that sex was sort of a "no no" thing and plus, my own self image didn't help me be adventurous in bed, either. When I did have sex, I was always self-conscious of whether I was good or not and how I looked naked, etc. and never allowed my "full potential" to come out.

If this is similar to what you're going through, then know you're not alone. I'm still working on it, too, but if others get to have so much fun with sex, so should we!!

Just allow yourself to enjoy how good sex feels and know that youre SO thinks you're VERY sexy and desirable.

sgtcarrot

Little Tippler, I must tell you that when I read your initial post I burst out crying. I cried because it was like you had written down everything that is swirling around my head. I too suffer from the same lack of confidence and assertiveness, feelings of silliness, and the constant battles with my "inner girl" -- I call her my 14 year old -- when it comes to sex.

I also want to thank everyone who posted for the great advice. I think it all can be summed up in -- "just get stuck in there." I've been seeing a therapist about this problem, who has given me some great advice, but at the end of the day its going to come down to me to make the decision to be more assertive, to be more chilled about the topic and act of sex - that's where I'm stuck at. If any one has any tips on how to stop one's brain from overthinking sex, please let me know!

Thanks again for starting this thread -- good luck!

minyn

Wow ladies, i dont knwo if you realize it, but those who have this problem who have commented on relating, kudos to you for taking your first step to fixing this "issue" (that term is realative and subjective) and i really respect the fact you can stand out here and ask for help. When i was stuck there i just tried to figure it out for myself.

By no means do i know what im talking about, but i was there too. I got past it through a mix of personal sexual exploration (finding out what turns me on when im by myself), having a guy that would encourage but not force new things, the occasional trip to a sexual place (porn shop field trip!), confidence boosters, and some time.

I guess Ill include the one thing that isnt listed in here. Talk about sex. not just to your SO, but to your friends. now when i say this, DO NOT share your sex life. ask questions, and if you do share, leave out names or details of who you are talking about (to avoid a feeling of bragging and uncomfortable) and read to. getting past the words Sex and the various other vocab (written and spoken) helps to. it will help to open up communcation and when you realize that THEY ARE JUST WORDS, they will remain in your repoitroir (SP) and you can use them and not let them scare you.

Good luck, and when it comes down to it, just try it, and if anythign you will know more!

__________________
"Woke up this morning with a blue moon in my eye"
~A3 "woke up this morning"

"Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got." -Janis Joplin

JustJess

I wasn't ever shy about getting sex, but I was pretty much silent about how to make it good for me. The worst part is, I already *knew* what would make things better for me, but I never bothered to tell anyone – just figured they didn’t actually care to know.
My “breakthrough” to the best sex of my life was with my husband (clearly back when he was a boyfriend). What was it?
TRUST.
Most women I know will do a lot of crazy things with their men, but only if there’s that feeling of trust and safety. That no matter what you try or suggest, your partner isn’t going to dismiss your needs or reduce you in any way – sex is so scary because of the power issues, to me. I *hated* BJ’s until Quadro, because I never trusted the guy I was giving them to to not make me feel degraded in some way. In fact, he was the first one able to give me release, which is scary considering that he wasn’t exactly my first, either.

Definitely start with the ideas presented, they are going to help you know and understand yourself, your needs, your drives. And spend time with your SO exploring how you can trust him. For moi, baths are a good first step. And an evening of just plain exploration – i.e. let’s map your birthmarks tonight! What does a grundel actually look like, anyway? Those kinds of evenings often lead to some fun sexualized exploration too.

Lastly, *try* not to be hard on yourself. I understand very well how awful it feels to not be giving enough to yourself or him… even after being together for 8 years, I go through body-image depressions and tiredness that make my libido sink like a stone, and he ends up feeling unattractive too because the sex life is reduced, and then I feel awful for not giving him enough of what he needs as well… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep over that. And neither is it healthy to “do it anyway”… that (for me) creates a whole other host of issues and is a start to violating the trust that you have built.

But these kinds of mental cycles… they just kill us a little inside. Try to be better than me, let your SO show you how beautiful you are until you’re able to know it yourself, and then show HIM how beautiful you are and how he is too.

Sorry to start rambling… the main thing in terms of actual actions I have to contribute: exploration nights help build that trusting environment for you to explore yourself, his self, and both needs.

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Meditrina

One would think that at age almost 36 and married 11 years I would not have this problem. But I also lack in the assertiveness department, and my libido is somewhat low. I have read everything everyone wrote and I am hoping this will help me too. Thanks for posting this!

__________________
"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

Lead543

This might have been said before but my advice is simple. When you're alone, have the house to yourself for awhile; walk around naked. It feels odd at first, but doing silly little tasks like vacuuming naked helps you to feel comfortable in your own skin. It's like wearing an outfit that makes you feel drop dead gorgeous, only you get to have it on all the time!! I don't know if it's necessarily the answer to your problem, but it'll certainly make you feel sexy 24/7.

v_Jaded_v

The difference between good sex and great sex is communication. Figure out what medium of communication you feel most comfortable with. I'm guessing that since you post here, you are comfortable with written comunication. Use that to your advantage in initiating sex. Send him and email talking about your last time together and how much you enjoyed it, or write a letter telling him about things you'd like to try or do to him. It will plant seeds that throughout the day will grow, and when you see him he'll be ready to take you then and there. Or try post - it's. Just use little one sentence statements... "I love it when your lips graze my neck." "I love the way your body responds to my touch." "I want to feel your body covering mine." Stuff like that....leave a trail of post it's for him to follow only to find you waiting for him at the end of the trail. You could initiate sex without speaking a word.

__________________
"What is life? It is a flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and looses itself in the sunset." Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior