Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Need advice on being more assertive and sexual

JustJess · 04-01-2005, 01:19 PM

I wasn't ever shy about getting sex, but I was pretty much silent about how to make it good for me. The worst part is, I already *knew* what would make things better for me, but I never bothered to tell anyone – just figured they didn’t actually care to know.
My “breakthrough” to the best sex of my life was with my husband (clearly back when he was a boyfriend). What was it?
TRUST.
Most women I know will do a lot of crazy things with their men, but only if there’s that feeling of trust and safety. That no matter what you try or suggest, your partner isn’t going to dismiss your needs or reduce you in any way – sex is so scary because of the power issues, to me. I *hated* BJ’s until Quadro, because I never trusted the guy I was giving them to to not make me feel degraded in some way. In fact, he was the first one able to give me release, which is scary considering that he wasn’t exactly my first, either.

Definitely start with the ideas presented, they are going to help you know and understand yourself, your needs, your drives. And spend time with your SO exploring how you can trust him. For moi, baths are a good first step. And an evening of just plain exploration – i.e. let’s map your birthmarks tonight! What does a grundel actually look like, anyway? Those kinds of evenings often lead to some fun sexualized exploration too.

Lastly, *try* not to be hard on yourself. I understand very well how awful it feels to not be giving enough to yourself or him… even after being together for 8 years, I go through body-image depressions and tiredness that make my libido sink like a stone, and he ends up feeling unattractive too because the sex life is reduced, and then I feel awful for not giving him enough of what he needs as well… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep over that. And neither is it healthy to “do it anyway”… that (for me) creates a whole other host of issues and is a start to violating the trust that you have built.

But these kinds of mental cycles… they just kill us a little inside. Try to be better than me, let your SO show you how beautiful you are until you’re able to know it yourself, and then show HIM how beautiful you are and how he is too.

Sorry to start rambling… the main thing in terms of actual actions I have to contribute: exploration nights help build that trusting environment for you to explore yourself, his self, and both needs.

04-01-2005, 01:19 PM	#17 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	exploration nights rock I wasn't ever shy about getting sex, but I was pretty much silent about how to make it good for me. The worst part is, I already knew what would make things better for me, but I never bothered to tell anyone – just figured they didn’t actually care to know. My “breakthrough” to the best sex of my life was with my husband (clearly back when he was a boyfriend). What was it? TRUST. Most women I know will do a lot of crazy things with their men, but only if there’s that feeling of trust and safety. That no matter what you try or suggest, your partner isn’t going to dismiss your needs or reduce you in any way – sex is so scary because of the power issues, to me. I hated BJ’s until Quadro, because I never trusted the guy I was giving them to to not make me feel degraded in some way. In fact, he was the first one able to give me release, which is scary considering that he wasn’t exactly my first, either. Definitely start with the ideas presented, they are going to help you know and understand yourself, your needs, your drives. And spend time with your SO exploring how you can trust him. For moi, baths are a good first step. And an evening of just plain exploration – i.e. let’s map your birthmarks tonight! What does a grundel actually look like, anyway? Those kinds of evenings often lead to some fun sexualized exploration too. Lastly, try not to be hard on yourself. I understand very well how awful it feels to not be giving enough to yourself or him… even after being together for 8 years, I go through body-image depressions and tiredness that make my libido sink like a stone, and he ends up feeling unattractive too because the sex life is reduced, and then I feel awful for not giving him enough of what he needs as well… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep over that. And neither is it healthy to “do it anyway”… that (for me) creates a whole other host of issues and is a start to violating the trust that you have built. But these kinds of mental cycles… they just kill us a little inside. Try to be better than me, let your SO show you how beautiful you are until you’re able to know it yourself, and then show HIM how beautiful you are and how he is too. Sorry to start rambling… the main thing in terms of actual actions I have to contribute: exploration nights help build that trusting environment for you to explore yourself, his self, and both needs. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.