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I guess I'm pretty shy and selfconscious, and perhaps my upbringing (or lack of specific sexual education besides the "scientific" approach) is also to blame. All these exercises you've suggested sound interesting, I might give them a go. Role-playing might work, I used to do some amateur acting and was told I was good! But I think I'll still feel stupid sometimes. Forcing myself sucks, even though I know rationally he won't reject me it's still there, a kind of panicky thing...like what I said about the BJ. I lay there in bed next to him, and was trying to work out how to do it so he wouldn't feel anything till I was "there" so to speak, but he was in a bad position for me to reach, and then I was scared to do it, and so I thought about it for at least an hour before I actually DID it! How stupid. I already do smaller things, like cuddling, kissing, etc. It's the bigger things I find more daunting to initiate. I can't even explain exactly why.
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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.
Fernando Pessoa, 1918
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