Vindicated0411

It's midnight and I am sitting home alone depressed, sad, angry, and much more. This is something I don't feel that I can talk to my friends about. It's something I am rather ashamed and embarrassed about. This weekend my boyfriend is attending his sisters wedding and I am not going. My excuse is a concert that I wanted to go to. I need advice about my relationship, my boyfriends family. We have been dating since I was 17 and I am going on 22 now, so quite a while. I know he is currently saving for an engagement ring and plans to propose before the year is out. He’s been everything I could ask for in a significant other. He's my right hand, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend, and so much more. I honestly couldn't picture my life without him. Of course we have our small issues and arguments every now and then, but honestly we both agree that we get along well and occasional discrepancies are expected and healthy in a relationship. But there is one major problem between us, his family. Let me rewind and explain a few things about his family so you can understand a little better. His sister and I use to be friends in our early years of high school. We were best friends to be exact, and his family was my family. They basically adopted me while my parents were going through their divorce. I stayed at their house all the time for a year because I never wanted to go home because home was being ripped apart by my parents. Anyway, his sister and I had a falling out. We were growing and changing. We both chose different paths in life. I wanted to make it to college so I was hard core about my academics and extra-curricular activities as well as working all the time to support myself (money was scare when my parents separated). His sister was a bit more of a social butterfly and a rebel and started hanging out with many people that weren't exactly what I consider good influences. One night towards the end of our friendship when things were obviously becoming stressed between us, she smoked pot and was driving rather crazy in the car. Needless to say this scared me and I didn't know how to approach her about her. So I decided to speak with her older brother because I felt he could talk to her about it and persuade her away from some of these things she was doing. Well much to my disappointment and dismay he took the other route and went straight to their parents. She got in major trouble. Solitary grounding for two months and absolutely no privileges at all, no driving, or even phone calls allowed. She hated me after this of course, and wanted nothing more to do with me. I guess in ways I couldn't blame her but I didn't know what else to do and I was worried about her. It may not have been the best choice. All during this time period I was dating this guy in college. He was also a friend of the family. My current boyfriends family to be exact. This guy was a bit older than myself at the time and looking back at it there was a huge maturity difference between us. Despite the age difference we dated for a year and a half. Things ended rather badly when he decided he wanted to be free to pursue another girl that he decided he was attracted to. I was absolutely heart broken, he was my first love. I would still say that to this day. This is where my current boyfriend comes in. Jon was friends with my ex, as well as Jon’s brother. Theres a whole group that was friends. I started talking to Jon a bit when my ex and I were dating because they were friends. But when my ex and I broke up, Jon was the one who I started talking to about everything because he knew both of us and he was away at the same university with my ex. Our conversations grew over a few weeks from me being heart broken to finding out we had a great deal in common and were attracted to each other. This is where it gets nasty and not a day goes by that I don't look at Jon and feel terrible about this. While all this was happening between Jon and I. My ex comes back around and decides he made a mistake and wants to try to work things out. I wasn't completely over him and being stupid, young, and naive, I decided to try things out and not have to wonder what if I didn't try again. Needless to say this hurt Jon quite a bit, because feelings were already developing for me. I didn't take long to realize that my ex and I were not going to work out. I immediately went back to Jon and apologized, he forgave me and said he understood. Now let me take a moment to say. I know this is a lot to take in but I feel I need to include these details to explain why his family doesn't like me. On another side note, I know I may not have made the best decisions during this time period, jumping from guy to guy and I am completely aware of this but Jon and I have discussed it. It's in the past, we survived and all that matters is we are happy together. So back to the story. Jon’s family saw all of this unfold, I hurt him, and they saw this. After that that they were ice cold to me. And it's been like that every since.

I feel very betrayed because his family knew me, they saw me grow up in high school from when Sarah and I were friends. His father even called me "Dautty" a pet name for daughter. But after everything with my ex and Jon’s sister, they hated me. This is been the biggest hurdle for Jon and I to overcome. Family events have been terrible, they wouldn't talk to me, not even a hello, and I have endured it. Last thanksgiving I almost started crying at the table from the nasty looks I got from Jon’s sister-in-law. As time has progressed his parents are civil now and claim they have no problem with me. His siblings are another issue. I still receive the same treatment. Nowadays I go and they pretend I am not there, and I pretend I don't exist. I feel like a mouse in a snake pit. I am reclusive and scared of them. Jon claims he has fussed and them. As time has passed they say they have no problem with me , but still they don't even say hello, I usually have to initiate a conversation but even then they just answer my questions and return to ignoring me. This is a good time for a side note. Jon’s family has changed the past few years as well. His parents have divorced, his father remarried, his brother got married, and now his sister. Everyone as well as Jon agrees his family has become very strange as far as how they function as a family. They are not warm people by any means, they are quite frigid to be honest. Holidays are not warm and welcoming at his parents houses. And as far as Jon goes, they never call him to see how he’s doing, or let him know what’s going on. They just don't even seem like very nice people anymore.

Now for what I know I have done wrong. Needless to say as I stated before I felt very betrayed by Jon’s family after Jon and I started dating. I have become rather bitter towards them on account of this as well as the treatment I have received the past few years. And now things are really coming down with the idea of marriage coming into the picture. There have been sometimes around Jon’s family that I have honestly gone in and tried to be nice and talk a bit and seem more friend and light-hearted but the response has always been the same. And now I am very cynical and skeptical about them. Jon is become very irritated. He’s tells me I need to get over and let bygones be bygones and put the past behind us. I just don’t know if I can. After the falling out and the treatment the past few years. I don't know that I can let this go. In a way they really hurt me. But I also know I Jon.

Jon’s fusses telling me that they are at least civil now, but I don't feel that’s the case. I feel he’s being very naive and doesn't see things the way they truly are but then again my perspective may be skewed as well.

My dilemma I don't know that I can let this grudge go. I don't know how. I am just so angry and hurt by them. Just has told me I need to let it go and try to get along with just the same they need to let it go and try to get along with me. i just really don't know that I can. I need help and advice. Jon has told me this. If i can't let it go and try to get along with his family he doesn't know that he could marry me because he doesn't want to be with someone who can't get along with his family. This hurts because I really still feel that it goes both ways. I have a grudge against his family the same that I feel that still have a grudge against me. Any comments on what to do or just thoughts on the situation would be greatly appreciated. I need as much help as I can get. I am sorry this was so long but I really needed to get this off my chest and look for some help and comfort.

*Tearfully Vindicated0411* ='(

__________________
Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.~ Teddy Roosevelt

settie

Wow, big tangle of events there, and alot of changes...divorces, marriages...no wonder everyone feels cold towards another.
I haven't even met my boyfriend's family yet (will in two weeks, but I digress...), so I don't feel like I can give any real advice to you about this.
All I know is, everyone in this family has to acknowledge that they did their part in neglecting each other, and were extremely rude to you, and start all over again....rehab style. But it almost sounds like an outside party needs to intervene for anything to change, or else, stubborn people will never let go of the past.
I have no idea if what I said makes sense, or even helps, but I felt I had to say something after reading that. *hugs* Hang in there. <3

jewels

You have to let it go. You and Jon are straight, ya? That's what matters.
Sometimes people don't 'get' us or understand a situation. That's not your problem; it's theirs. And, most likely, your perception might be a bit skewed.

You've referenced your cynicism and anger with them multiple times. You've even said If he's over it, shouldn't you be?

When his family is involved, put the past behind you and do your best to be civil. You could confront his sister and talk it all out, but she may not be receptive. If you can maintain civility and show that you're not out to hurt her family or her brother, you'll both laugh at the past one day.

But running away and hiding just perpetuates any ill feelings that might remain within his family. Let go of your guilt. It's not doing anything good for anyone.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

shesus

Let it go.

Maybe multiple times of hearing this will help you realize. Shame ruins everything. You have to forgive yourself and move on. If you cannot forgive yourself and let it go, you will continue to have these issues.

It sounds like the family has been through a lot so most likely, it isn't all about you. However, you are feeling shameful and guilty so whenever they act the way they do, you mind-read them and make it all about you. The family has been through a lot of shit. Maybe your perception is skewed based on how you feel about yourself.

I haven't been there and haven't witnessed the behavior, but that's something to consider.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

mixedmedia

I agree with jewels and shesus.

Most likely you are exaggerating the signals you are picking up from his family due to your own guilt and pre-conceived notions about their behavior. Even though you express resentment toward them for treating you that way, you also talk about yourself as if it's what you deserve. I suspect that relations with them will improve dramatically if you forgive yourself and them and let it go.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

girldetective

I mean this to be encouraging to you, but when re-reading I thought it sounded very straightforward. However, after drinking a tad too much last night Im not up to re-writing it right now. My thoughts are only those, nothing else. I wish you the very very best.


I would involve myself in the fam, putting my current feelings aside and working toward better feelings for both yourself and them. It might be awkward for you, but remember that you have a goal of goodwill. That is a good thing and can help you to be brave while facing the uncomfortableness. I would probably start hanging around often and when I heard something might be needed, i would volunteer. Or, perhaps if I saw a need, I might suggest something. Or whatever, you get it. If anything snide was said to me I would address it with something like, I know, the past was a bitch. But girl, Im marrying your bro and Im moving on. Do you want to help me with some decision for the wedding? It would be fun! And I would ensure that I followed through with some of their suggestions, making them a part of my life. I would approach this as already being a part of the family and if things ever got nasty, I would remind them that there was a time that you were a part of the family in truth, and that now you are again a part of the family in truth (with their son) and I would tell them I love them and want things to be better again for them, you, and their son. I wouldnt get to serious or make it more fucked up, I would probably try to just put it on the table in front of them and let them run with it too. Let them see that you are a nice person who would like to be a part of bringing people together.

It could be that it was hurtful to their son that you did not attend their sister's wedding, and in fact this could give them, and you, fodder to have this awful mess continue.

Approach the whole thing anew, and be positive. If you cant be positive, subtley remove yourself from the situation. And I might try talking with my boyfriend about his fam only when I have something positive to say, and if he brought up anything negative about his fam, I would say something like Hey boyfriend, thats your fam youre talkin about, soon to be mine!

To reiterate: If I were in your shoes, I would try to change my behavior and my thinking without ever saying anything to anyone. I would begin to include myself and his fam in a positive way only.

Become the solution, not the problem and all of you will feel better.

Edit: In re-reading this again (intuiting that something was wrong) I realize that you may not be marrying this dude. Sorry to be an ass. I really am feeling sluggish today. Nonetheless, whether marrying or not, follow my advice and you will bring only good fortune and happiness to yourself and that fam. And really, I dont mean this flippantly.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Starkizzer

I know how you feel, my fiances parents took a long time to warm up to me.

I have been dating my fiance for 5 years now as well. In the beginning you could tell they were not fond of me. He comes from a very religious, christian based family (I am agnostic, tho I was raised Lutheran). One of the first questions they asked him about me when he said there was a girl he was interested in was "does she go to church" Now I was his first girlfriend he was a geek and I dont think he ever looked at girls really before me. Well to cut to the chase he told them no. Their response was "hmmm that bothers us" For the next 2 years we were constantly accused of having sex constantly when in fact we actually waited a year, but that was none of their business. On top of this I knew his lil sis was having sex, even before we were, in her room no less. I would walk by her room and see her and her now fiance going at it, she was only 16 at the time.

Finally one night I had enough of her accusing us. im2smrt4u gave me the look I knew meant if you have something to say say it now. So I did. I went off on his mom told her I was not a whore, and that from the beginning shes been accusing us of having sex and that I resented it. I also told her that if he and I were going to be having sex it was OUR business and not hers. I told her my parents trusted us to hang out in my room with the door closed and did not check on us constantly. Well, aside from the fact that his mom did say it was her business if her son had sex because he was her son and lived under her roof, things went better after that.

I have yelled at her only one other time. I will have to say it has made our relationship better (his mom and I). I think she realized I am here to stay and after the first argument she did tell me that she thot I was very good for her son and she did like me.

Now I'm not suggesting you yell at his parents/family the way that I did. However, it may be important that they know the way you feel and maybe there is something that you don't know about them. The same night as the first fight I also told them about the abuse by my brother when I was little, which helped explain alot to them inc why I wasn't religious. I know they were around while your parents divorce was going on but maybe they need to hear how they helped you and how everything during that time affected you and influenced your actions.

I hope things go better for you. If you love him and he loves you ultimately that is all that matters. I remember being mad that my fiance wasn't standing up for me, then I realized how hard it must be for him to have to choose between to people he loved and that his mom is difficult and wouldn't understand if he tried to defend me.

__________________
Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey

snowy

1) As shesus and mm said: let it go. Get over it. Forget about it. Move on.

2) How to move on: girldetective has some good advice. Don't hide from the family. It only makes it worse. You need to put yourself out there, get involved. My SO's family scared the shit out of me at first, and his mother certainly doesn't make things a bed of roses (she's kind of an odd duck)--I'd heard all kinds of horror stories from my SO and his friends prior to meeting his folks (his mom searched his ex-girlfriend's car!) but I knew I had to deal with it for his sake. His mother is the kind of person where if she can't control the situation, she belittles it or ignores it completely. But it's all stuff I have to let go of for his sake, and just keep going to family things and being part of the family. Yeah, it's rough. Yeah, sometimes she makes me want to scream and punch stuff. But instead I just take a deep breath, try to think of the good things she has done, and let it go. But for him, it's worth it to try and make it work.

Focus on that--and you'll get through it. But you do need to confront this instead of running away from it. And you don't even really need to say anything. Just start going to family events, be the best person you can be, and ultimately, don't sink to their level.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Milkyway

Hey, hang in there. I have been with my man for what feels like forever and his family and I were always tight, even when we broke up for a few weeks they still loved me, but lately things have not been so great. I have gotten older and have kids and begun to see how selfish and arrogant his family is. As a grown woman with two small children I don't have time for BS and don't have any desire to put up with it. I also have a big mouth! So on more than one occasion I have had it out with various members of his family. It has hurt our relationship. Now I don't make extra effort to see his family, but I also go to things that I am invited to and have tried to mentally pretend I am meeting them for the first time and treat them as if all I know about them is today. That is the only thing that keeps me from wanting to grab them by the throats and scream WTF is your problem! It works, no we don't have the same relationship that we used to, but I know who they truly are now which is selfish shallow people and I really don't want a close relationship with people like that.

My issues are more with the way they treat my hubby than the way they treat me, but the fact remains, I was the one that screwed up our relationship and I am the one that has to look at them under a different light in order to be civil. I have to do that because it is the right thing to do, they were born selfish and they will die selfish, I can't change that, even if for a short time I didn't see it, and really admired them.

Again, most important, just mentally pretend this is the first time you met them, no past, just today, and work on that. It really does work and every one has a better time.

__________________
Yes you can get off on the same sexual experience for 24 full hours!!!!!

little_tippler

A few things:

1) I don't necessarily agree it's all in your head. But you do have to try and rise above it.

2) I sense that your boyfriend is being dismissive of your concerns and trying to make it look like you are paranoid. I think you may have valid reasons for feeling the way you do. Even so, this does not mean that it will help you if you continue to insist with him. Never ask anyone to choose between you and their family, because ultimately, you are likely to lose.

3) If you love him and think you can overcome this at all, then you must stick with it. Try and be the bigger person as much as you can. Talk things out with the people who are antagonizing you if necessary. If the moment is right, a good vent could do wonders.

4) Accept that this is your boyfriend's family and that it could never improve. If you think that is something you can live with, and at least put on a brave face for family meetings, then you'll be alright.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

genuinegirly

You two have waited long enough. You must deal with these issues together, today. Communication is key.

What HE needs to do:

- Speak individually with each of his family members and tell them that he loves you and intends to marry you. Tell them that the feelings you perceive they have toward you are tearing the two of you apart -- and he will not stand for that.

- Inform every family member who is aware of your seeming disloyalty in the past that you two have worked through it and he is confident you will not break his heart again.

- Propose on knee at a family function, after he has enjoyed the aforesaid conversations. Their cheers and smiles will give you confidence that they support your decision.

What YOU must do:

- Inform every family member who is aware of your seeming disloyalty in the past that you two have worked through it, and you will not break his heart again.

- Relate personally what you have related to us about the sister that you felt you wronged, to that sister. Inform her that you did not inform her parents and that you had no indication that her older brother would snitch. You simply wanted someone to confide in and someone to bounce ideas off of when it came to a difficult situation. Inform her that you love your boyfriend and that you would like to find a way to keep up a cordial friendship that is far from your current frigid relationship. Give her time. If in a month she still treats you the same, see how she likes cookies.

What you should do:

- Invest in stamps and a selection of blank note cards. Learn every family member's birthday and anniversary. Write personal cards to each person or couple on their special day, sharing your love for their family through a happy memory of the past. Write with good penmanship, without spelling errors or scratches. Keep this practice up for the entirety of your married life, or until older family members who appreciate good penmanship have passed away. If someone sends you a card or package, quickly send a thank-you. You will find, over time, you will become a favorite granddaughter-in-law, aunt, and sister-in-law. People will know you care. People will feel special because they have received an unexpected envelope via traditional post.

- When you have your bridal shower, insist that your maid of honor invite all female family members, no matter the tension in your relationship. Remember, you have a bachelorette party to enjoy time with your close friends.


Edit: Just re-read your post, and something caught my eye: He has to save up for a few months to get you an engagement ring? What financial stability will he provide? Or, maybe the better question is - what in the world kind of crazy expensive engagement ring is he considering? Re-evaluate your financial situation and consider going for a less expensive ring. If he has to save a few months for a ring, how long will it take the two of you to save enough for your wedding? Expect to spend a minimum of $14,000 on a wedding.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

creepysusie

Ask yourself: Who hasn't been in a relationship where something goes wrong and we hurt the ones we love?
Don't feel guilty about the past, which is something you have already done. The past is the past.

As for his parents, you are not dating them. We have all heard of the cold mother-in-law jokes and they exist for a reason. Not everyone is meant to get along. Relationships between two people are already full of worrysome details and minor strifes. You already have your own problems (in a figurative, "everyone's got something on their mind" kind of way, not that you actually HAVE PROBLEMS), don't worry about everyone else's.

If his family does not warm up to you, consider it their loss because you are a bright, young and interesting woman

EDIT: Genuinelygirly has some really good advice.

genuinegirly

Vindicated - if you want to be that "outside force" settie talked about, you can. It'll just be slow progress.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

shassy2

When you marry someone you don't just marry them, you marry into the family too. I think you should def. try to sort things out before you walk down that aisle. You'd be surprised how much the fighting can affect your marriage. And you don't want to put Jon into a position where he's forced to chose between you or his family. Take care of things now.

Ayashe

I think if you continually try to excuse yourself from these situations you will be seen as the one who is not making an attempt at the relationship. It may be a drag, but if you continue to try eventually they will likely loosen up. At least you will not be hurting your future husband in making him feel alone. What happened, happened a long time ago. Be the bigger person.

girl_somebody

I can identify with a few things in your post, but from sort of from your boyfriends shoes...

I was in a "relationship" with the same guy from the age of 15 to 19. My entire family loved him, my dad treated him like a son, and my dad even told him that he hopes we get married... Well, the last few months of our relationship was pretty much useless, we just drifted, didn't have the same feelings for each other so much, and I ended up cheating on him with my now husband. I've now been with my husband for just over 4 years, and even still, some of my family members don't like to be around him. My dad has never and probably will never accept him fully. My husband and my ex are two completely different types of people, which is why I guess my family was shocked and confused and angry why I chose "the lesser" of the two (as they see it). Amazingly, and I don't know how my husband does it, he just lets it roll off his back. He knows not all of my family like him, but the way he sees it, is it's their problem. He married me, not my family, and it's what happens between us that matters.

you have to keep in mind also, that your boyfriend possibly takes alot of heat about you. I also don't like attending big family get togethers for the same reason you don't; it's awkward and knowing your getting looks of death doesn't exactly make you feel welcome. It hurts and bothers me, but at the same time, I realize they'res not a whole lot I can do about it. If they don't want to accept you, fine. You don't have to be their best friends. While we all WANT to be able to get along with our in-laws, it doesn't always happen that way. My MIL LOVED me at the beginning, said I was the best thing to ever happen to her son... after a few years, she's changed her mind and I am not her favourite person. But I suck it up, and be civil when we're around each other. My husband does the same thing when he's around my family. He shows them that he's the bigger person by making small talk and showing that their opinions aren't going to affect OUR relationship together.

Don't let families tear you apart. Ask yourslef, is it so bad that it would be worth ending the relationship over? My guess is probably not. Sounds to me like his family are being childish; the same way a bully keeps picking on the same kid... if you show that it doesn't bother you, they will only get bored and stop. If they don't well then that is their own damn problem. Live your life with your man, focus on each other, and everything will work itself out

good luck!