TheBrit

To put it bluntly, my girlfriend has such a low sex drive that it's driving me crazy.
It's giving me a terrible self esteem, vicious cravings for satisfaction and I feel like packing it all in.
She'll happily give me a hand job, oral if I'm lucky but since about September that's the most I've got. It's incredibly hard to feel good about yourself when you've been going out with a girl for 1.5 years who just isn't interested in sex at all. She's doing things for me to make me happy, but it really isn't enough.
I know that it's not true, I know that she wouldn't do this, but it does make me feel like she's playing around with me and just leaving me hanging on.
It's really culminated in me mentioning that I don't think she wants me any more, us having a bit of a row over the phone, her hanging up on me (with me not saying not to I suppose) and then she phoned me up 15 minutes later, tearful, offering to try harder.
I don't know if I want her to try harder though, I certainly don't want to force her into doing things she doesn't enjoy.

I'm not sure why I'm making this post, I don't really expect anybody to post "mix this herb with this root and she'll be all over you", I'm not looking to make her do something she doesn't want to, I just need to vent a little. Any suggestions would be welcome though.

Cheers.

Dael

Well, I wish I could help, but unfortunately i can't as I'm in the exact same boat (see posting entitled 'relationship troubles'. What I could say is, be happier with the hand jobs and oral, as this is more than I even get.

skier

I don't know what to say mate, just that your position sucks. I'm willing to bet some people will make suggestions on changing her birth control- and that might make a difference. It sorta sounds to me like she's just on the other end of the sexual spectrum- opposite of nympho. That or she's a lebian in the closet.

Are you guys intimate or sexual without aiming for sex? Like... does she like to kiss, makeout, engage in foreplay? Have you explored your sexual boundaries to pique her interest?

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Martian

Birth control may be a factor. A more productive line of inquiry would be to look back at September with an eye to what may have caused this change. I'm assuming you had a reasonably active sex life before then. There are a lot of different medications that can cause a decrease in libido, along with changes in diet, depression or just plain old stress. Did she start school in September and is maybe feeling a bit overworked at the moment? As much as it's maligned as an excuse, being too tired can be a legitimate reason. Or maybe she started on a medication for something or other? My ex once had to take medication for frequent migraines that completely killed her sex drive. A quick trip to the doctor had that cleared up; she was switched to something else and normal activity resumed.

Has she gained any weight? It's possible that a low self-image is causing her to feel undesirable and therefore keeping her from getting in the mood. If this is the case, a little effort on your part can go a long way; give her an old-fashioned night of romance (candle-lit dinner, sensual massage, etc etc) and it may help.

Umm.. a final factor that I'm a bit hesitant to bring up... has she previously expressed satisfaction with your performance? Girls don't need to get off every time they have sex (neither do guys for that matter) but they do need it once in a while. If she's not getting a lot of pleasure out of it it may become undesirable for her. The solution and a trick I've used since my earliest days in the sack is to make the first ten minutes all about her. Try kissing her in a variety of paces. Specific spots that are very sensitive are the inside of the elbows, the back of the knees, the side of the waist, the inside of the wrists, the fingertips, the inner thighs, between her breasts and of course, the nipples and genitals. Exploring and appreciating her body will get her in the mood and also make her feel good about herself. Oral and manual stimulation are also good. A common warmup is the 69, but it's not for beginners; the positioning can be a bit awkward and you may have a hard time focussing on what you're doing while she's sucking on your wang.

If you're not sure you can get her off through actual intercourse (which may be her as much as it is you, so don't feel bad if that's the case) try to do so before the intercourse actually happens. If she orgasms regularly she'll keep wanting sex.

The fact that she's still doing her best to please you says to me that she does want to continue having sex with you, but that there's some other factor getting in the way here. Do a bit of digging and see if you can't figure out what that may be. She'll thank you in the long run.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

SERPENT7

I hate to bring this up, but:
Ther also exists the possibility she has been assaulted or otherwise traumatized. Esspecially if her sex-drive has dropped off dramaticly.
Have you noticed any other changes?
Bouts of depression, loss of interest in things in general?
Anyway, i would suggest talking to her in depth, and letting her know you still love her and that you are there for her if she needs someone to talk to.

TheBrit

Thanks guys.
Birth control is me using a condom.
Martian, your final factor is probably something to do with it in some way. She's too uptight to actually relax and get into things, she won't let me go down on her because she's afraid of how she'll seem to me, if I'm helping her in other ways she wants to know if it's boring for me, if her being wet is disgusting to me, etc. I can't seem to reassure her otherwise. The more I think about this, the more it's possibly a problem.

Nothing really significant has changed since September, we've been at school but that's not a huge deal for either of us.
There was a huge strain on us about October-November, I dislocated my shoulder and didn't see her for a month, missed a lot of school, was very cagy about what was going on and generally slipped into depression.
I think I'm going to try to have a serious talk with her.

pig

I think this is a really good place to examine why she might not be interested. She's uncomfortable about sex; it stands to reason that she wouldn't enjoy it much. I would focus on why she has these opinions; associating sexual arousal with "disgusting" isn't going to get y'all into a happy sex life. Good luck.

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Martian

So now you have an avenue to explore as to why she doesn't want to have sex. This is a good thing.

On the other hand, her hang ups are hers to deal with. You can't make her be okay with you going down on her or anything of the sort. You can reassure her that you do want to, that you find it very erotic when she gets wet becase of what you're doing and that you think she is the hottest thing on two legs, but ultimately she's the one who needs to let go and relax a little bit.

That being said, a bit of a soft touch may be in order. If she doesn't like oral/manual, try using other techniques. Women are strange and fabulous creatures; it is entirely possible to cause a girl to orgasm without going anywhere near her vagina/clitoris. Kissing and massaging are a good place to start.

Another thing to try might be to ask her to masturbate for you. Tell her how erotic you find it to think of her touching herself and how nothing would turn you on more than watching her get herself off. Encourage her during the act; it seems cheesy before hand to think of saying 'oh yeah baby, I love watching you touch yourself, it's so hot!' but in the moment it's quite another situation. If she gets herself off as part of the foreplay that will help her relzx and it will also give you important clues as to what really revs her motor, so that when it's your turn to try you've got a head start.

The thing about sex is that it's highly mental. If she's nervous or uptight, she's not gonna come and if she doesn't come and doesn't get a lot of pleasure out of it, her motivation to do it is reduced. She's more or less having sex at this point to please you and that is not how it should work. She needs to learn to relax. You can help her, but ultimately it's up to her to realize that there's nothing dirty or wrong about it.

I personally love going down on a girl, provided that she keeps up with hygiene. I can think of nothing I'd rather do in the bedroom. That sort of mentality is natural to me, but it can be taught too. You can psyche yourself up for it, thinking about how hot it is to get her off, how she sounds, etc. And if you're clearly enthusiastic about it that will help her realize that it's something you really want to do and therefore is a good thing.

Good luck.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

TheBrit

I've asked her to masturbate for me, no go, she's too shy/self concious.

maleficent

Just curious as to ages and past sexual history for the two of you?

What are her good qualities... that makes it worth staying with her for now?

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TheBrit

19 and 17, soon to be 18, we're both legal here, that's not an issue.
I'm her first for absolutely everything, she's not my first.
Other qualities... Well, she's fantastic in every way you can imagine but this.

maleficent

It wasn't legalty I was questioning - more so -readiness for sexual activity... 17 is still somewhat young... she might just not be ready for it yet -Sounds like she's doing this only because you want her to and not because she wants to - She's got to want to for her self... There's no magic age when a girl is ready... she is when she is...

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TheBrit

What she's telling me/doing in the past does make it seem like she is ready though, this is a fairly new development.

guthmund

Martian has really hit this one on the head, so there really isn't much to say other than lend my voice in support.

I've known women (and more than few men, for that matter...) who were extremely, even dysfunctionally bashful in the bedroom for any number of reasons (poor self-image, religious 'conditioning,'...). It usually takes the hand of a encouraging girlfriend or boyfriend to finally help them deal with it. Sure it's her hang-up, but she's not going to deal with it herself. It's just easier to avoid, or sidestep the whole issue...


As for the masturbation thing...help her out. Masturbate with her, for her, give her a hand...anything to help her feel more like she's participating rather than on display. You don't go to the party if you know you're not going to have a good time, right? So, get her involved, get her relaxed and get her off.

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TheBrit

She's been thinking about this/talking to her mum (I don't know how much detail she went into though...)
I'll phone her shortly and have a chat, I think

TheBrit

It's over...
I'd rather not disect it right now, you understand.

Guinevere

You know, I believe once the thrill is gone, it's gone. I don't think she can truly admit that to you. It's hard to admit to anyone that you've lost that 'thang' for them. I doubt there was much there to begin with or if it were, it probably didn't last for long, right? Sorry.

rlynnm

I know how you feel. I don't feel as confident as I used to when he loved to fuel my drive.
Sometimes I feel I have to beg to get it when he doesn't feel like it or is too tired (which is all the time). It seems he used to like it more when he had less access to me. Now that he can have me whenever, he takes it for granted.
He too makes me happy in many ways. He's sweet, caring and affectionate, but he has no interest in satisfying my carnal needs. Sometimes he'll grope my breasts, or my ass, yet later, not want to do anything beyond that. I feel like a puppet sometimes. I think I need to liberate myself of all of this.
I have come close to the point wherE I don't want to pursue the issue anymore. I feel like I've lost any taste for it since he makes it so hard for me to get. I don't feel like I should 'make' a man pleasure me, and lately, this is all it's been --him doing it just to get it over with...



Cheers.[/QUOTE]

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rlynnm

Best of luck to you, Brit. Things will be ok.

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The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

Martel

So what happened? Don't just leave us hanging...

On a side note, rlynnm, I think you need to get a new man, cuz yours is broken.

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Anamnesis

rlynnm

thanks for the feedback martel...we shall see what is to come.

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The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

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TheBrit

rlynnm, wanna swap?
Basically, there was a phone call, there was crying on her end, it culminated in her telling me that she couldn't change, at least not in the forseeable future and she didn't want to leave me hanging. I didn't really have too much of a say in the matter.
I was crushed for about 4 hours and then moved on (as is my way with such things, even up to death on occasion).

We've spoken since, but not seen each other. She's made it clear that I could still have her if I wanted, and that there would be sexual contact, but I couldn't perform oral sex on her, and we wouldn't be having sex.
The ball's entirely in my court, so to speak.

tooth

Some people make better friends than lovers.

Best of luck.

Guinevere

Others just have a hard time letting go.

ratbastid

Um. So what's over? I don't get it.

Here's what it looks like from over here on the outside. It looks like you were pressuring her to do things she (for whatever reason--that's really beside the point) didn't want to do. She went and talked to her mom and who knows who else about it, got some reassurance, and now she's come back and laid down her boundaries in an absolutely no-nonsense way.

Looked at like that, this could be seen as a positive development for your relationship.

kangaeru

Positive?

The guy wants to have sex, which to some people, is an important part of a healthy relationship.

If she's not ready for it, don't hold it against her, but also do what makes you happy.

Or stay with her and wait it out, be patient, whatever YOU want to do.

But don't feel guilty about dumping her because she's very shy about sex, although that may traumatize her, I don't think that's a reason for you to remain unhappy.

Go with your instincts man, there's no shame in getting out of a situation you're just not happy with due to fundamental differences between you and your GF or SO or whoever it may be.

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Martel

Also, you being 19 dating a 17-year-old, I might suggest looking for someone more in your own age- and maturity-range. It sounds to me like she's just not reached the time in her life when she can be comfortable as a fully sexual adult... and I wouldn't really expect that from someone who is 17 anyway.

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Anamnesis

rlynnm

I agree with Martel and Kangeru...

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The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

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Impetuous1

I totally agree with what Martel said. The first time I had sex I was 18 and it was the worst sex ever. I didn't get comfortable with it until I was 19 and at that time I had a great partner who let me be myself. By that time too, I was more comfortable with my own body and was over all the preconceived ideas I had about sex.

I also see where ratbastid is coming from too. It sounds like she basically told you she doesn't like getting oral and having intercourse. But, you still haven't said whether you asked her why she doesn't like sex. It just sounds like you were complaining that you didn't like the amount of sex you were getting. This girl definitely has some serious hangups that she is refusing to confront and unfortunately, virgins are hard work. If it were me, I guess I would give her up too. Too much work.

TheBrit

Well, it was over. For a while. Felt like it would have been permanent at the time though.
Also, I can't type or read. She' 18, 19 in Feb.

Poppinjay

Huh, you mean you're back together?

FTR, I agree with Ratbastid. It sounds like a place and time for a relationship to grow, if that's what you want.

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JustJess

I have been following this... but I'm currently confused. May we please have a few more details, if you're comfortable giving them?

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TheBrit

I'm not sure if we're back together.
She's made it clear that she'll have me if I'll have her, but neither of us really know if it's worth continuing it at the moment.

Poppinjay

From how you described her previouisly, she's wonderful in all other ways, do you think it's worth the time to build a relationship with her? You're both young, and you certainly don't have to be tied down if you want all the sex... uh, no S&M pun intended. On the other hand, you may end up with a trustworthy partner, one you can talk to, who appreciates you for valuing other things above sex.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

betula

I know exactly what you're going through. My girlfriend and I of 5 years just broke up a couple weeks back. For whatever reasons, we had problems in the bedroom. I think we both thought about these problems too much, and it became a frustration to both of us. Perhaps that has happened here as well for you.

It is very frustrating when you love someone in every way imaginable, and you get along together in every way except for sexually. I've never believed in soul mates, but perhaps there is something to be said about some people being perfect friends and others being perfect mates. Good luck in your future relationships.

innovis

I'd suggest getting her drunk and seeing if she loses her inhibitions, but shes 17...

tecoyah

get out.....unless you are a masochist.

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Valentina

And I might suggest looking for someone who's about 35

Kidding...but you know what they say about a woman's sexual peak. (And being in my mid-thirties myself, I'm beginning to see why they say that...)

Seriously, you're both extremely young, just starting out sexually. It seems that she's just not ready to open up and explore her sexuality with you (and it's possible that she never will be--some people never lose their sexual inhibitions, or just naturally/chemically have a low sex drive.) She clearly wants to be with someone who respects her boundaries at this point in her life.

I guess the pertinent question is this: Is she worth waiting for? Is she worth the time, effort, and patience that might be required to get her to the point where she becomes comfortable exploring her sexuality--preferably with you as her co-pilot? It's a question only you can answer. It's not an easy question, either, since the payoff is far from guaranteed.

I might suggest, if you think she's worth it, giving it a little more time, and working on your own technique. (Hey, you're young yourself and probably don't know everything there is to know...) I've always felt goofy about getting "sex tips" from books (Like, "honey, if you need a book...don't bother!") But my opinion on that is changing...partly because I've recently started seeing an older guy who has clearly put a lot of effort into perfecting his techniques, and...Wow! Turns out he's gained his truly impressive knowledge and abilities from a variety of sources, including books....(And, of course, sleeping with thirtysomething women when he was just a young whippersnapper. )

Anyway, tread carefully...see if you can't gently coax her to tell you something about her fantasies, what she likes best physically. (Do you have any idea what she does like best physically, so far? Is she responsive when you fool around? If you know of something that seems to get her really hot, try a session where you tell her that no matter what, you're not going to move beyond that...that's all she's getting, even if she begs you for more...See, that's kinda hot, and it'll also make her feel safe in a way that she might not normally feel safe--it sounds like she's always a little nervous, waiting for you to try and push her farther than she wants to go...)

See if she won't read some of those sex books with you--just as a goof, of course....

If you have any success with getting her to open up in this fashion, then it might be worth more effort...But then again, some people just aren't very sexual in general. It may be that she doesn't really fantasize--or doesn't even masturbate (My current man's ex was like that--why do you guys always end up marrying those women??? I just don't get it...But I digress.) You and she are both so young that it's hard to tell if this is just her personality, or a lack of experience and/or chemistry between you...

Based on my own experience, though, youth doesn't necessarily equal sexual inhibition. I started in my early teens, and was really open and experimental right away. Some people are just born to fuck like rabbits and love it...If you're one of those people, then I might suggest that you'd be better off finding a like-minded partner.

I will say this, though: If sex is important to you, and you're willing to put in some effort, and are open to learning new things and pushing boundaries a little...It only gets better.

TheBrit

Valentina, I suppose I'm obliged to make the same offer that I made to rlynnm, wanna swap?

She masturbates very rarely, every couple of weeks maybe.
I've seen her the last couple of weekends, Friday night I slept in the same bed with her.
Basically, she no longer feels comfortable naked around me, no longer wants me to do anything sexual for her, but as before is happy to give me a hand job and the occasional blowjob.

One factor may be that we're both doing exams at the moment, and she gets extremely stressed out, even up to the month leading up to them. In contrast, I don't really worry about things, other people don't intimidate me and exams do very little to me. I'm going to support her until this Friday, go out with her over the weekend to a few bars, relieve some stress, and then maybe have a serious chat with her the week after.

Prince

It just seems like you're putting a lot of pressure on her. That is undoubtably also the reason for her not feeling comfortable being naked around you. She thinks her being nude will arouse you and that will just lead to more awkwardness.

I don't see you meeting her half-way. A girl doesn't suck you off if she doesn't care for you. Whatever she's going through needs to be worked out before this aspect of your life together can improve.

What about other aspects of your life together? What else do you guys do together?

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