Not enough sex... what would you do?? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Truenorth · 10-24-2005, 04:54 PM

I have been married for 17 years, with the same lady for 25 and love her. She also loves me, but her sexual drive is down. It could and must be hormonal because the only time she wants it is when ovulating. But for me once per month is not enough! We talked about it and she sees nothing wrong. I am going nuts. Should I find someone to fill the need with someone looking for the same. Looking for sex, not more? Sounds bad, but that is what is happening!

What would you all do?

serlindsipity · 10-24-2005, 05:10 PM

well first off, finding someone else to fill the need spells the immediate demise of your marriage. Unless she's okay with it, but 95% of the time they wont be (and even if they say they're cool with it).

Beyond that, youll have to wait for more advice from elsewhere. But i'd nix that option, people will end up hurt, youll end up lonely, and trust me, even sex wont fill that void.

ryfo · 10-24-2005, 05:12 PM

Have you explained that once a month is not enough for you? Remember, women like to be hugged and kissed as well as the intercourse . Maybe plan a romantic night and see what happens, you know flowers, dinner maybe a massage and let her know that you do love her, no matter what. I think looking for it, especially if she is unaware and without her consent is a one way trip into a very unhappy marriage. If all else fails see if she is interested in couples counselling, that may help

Borla · 10-24-2005, 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ryfo

Have you explained that once a month is not enough for you? Remember, women like to be hugged and kissed as well as the intercourse . Maybe plan a romantic night and see what happens, you know flowers, dinner maybe a massage and let her know that you do love her, no matter what. I think looking for it, especially if she is unaware and without her consent is a one way trip into a very unhappy marriage. If all else fails see if she is interested in couples counselling, that may help

I have to agree.

If you honestly love her, you will communicate with her. Worst case, go to counseling with her. Cheating is THE worst solution here.

Anxst · 10-24-2005, 05:23 PM

Cheating is not the solution here, unless you want your marriage to end. Communicate with her. Ask her what her wants and needs are.

Remember, she does want sex, her drive is just lower. That means you have to help her build up desire. Find out what will currently help her build up that desire throughout the day and start building on it. Don't be pushy, she'll most definitely NOT be turned on by that. Just have a talk about it, and find out what she wants, and see if she'll trade what you want for it. You'll most likely find you both want the same thing, you just have different ways of receiving those goals.

doncalypso · 10-24-2005, 06:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truenorth

I have been married for 17 years, with the same lady for 25 and love her. She also loves me, but her sexual drive is down. It could and must be hormonal because the only time she wants it is when ovulating. But for me once per month is not enough! We talked about it and she sees nothing wrong. I am going nuts. Should I find someone to fill the need with someone looking for the same. Looking for sex, not more? Sounds bad, but that is what is happening!

What would you all do?

Talk to her about it... If that doesn't work see a doctor to find out whether her lack of libido is due to a hormonal imbalance. If there is no medical reason and she's just holding out on you then you have the choice of accepting the fact that you won't be getting much sex, or else divorce her.

Whatever you do, please do not cheat on her. If she's holding out on you then kick her to the curb, but don't cheat on her.

ScottKuma · 10-24-2005, 06:30 PM

I'm going through a very similar situation. My wife and I are working through it with some real honesty & some upcoming counseling.

DON'T CHEAT! You will END your marriage by doing so.

If nothing else (and at the risk of seeming vulgar), seek out some pictures on the intarwebs & go on a date with Rosie Palmer & her five sisters.

serlindsipity · 10-24-2005, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anxst

Remember, she does want sex, her drive is just lower. That means you have to help her build up desire. Find out what will currently help her build up that desire throughout the day and start building on it. Don't be pushy, she'll most definitely NOT be turned on by that. Just have a talk about it, and find out what she wants, and see if she'll trade what you want for it. You'll most likely find you both want the same thing, you just have different ways of receiving those goals.

Awesome point. When I (as a girl) know a guy im with is lusting for nothign more than sex, its a big turnoff. *click* game over turnoff. If the passion is missing, is the romance? trying introducing romance back into it, becuase romance tends to lead to more. ANd i dont mean you have to buy big bouquet of roses or anything, but make sincere comments to boost morale and leave little notes and gifts and just thoughts to keep you in her mind throughout the day. Go dancing, go to ice cream, go see a movie. Spend time together in that kind of way and perhaps it will lead to more.

HoneyPot · 10-24-2005, 07:12 PM

You can always do the initiating, but that doesn't mean shes going to want it too! What I would do... is totally set up a little romance in your house! Make it special and make her feel wanted. Make her feel beautiful and that you miss have that physical part of her. Let her know. Communication is key and also have an emtional side to everything.

DO NOT CHEAT!!! You've been with her for so long... is it worth it? HELL NO.
Good Luck!

Mantus · 10-24-2005, 08:14 PM

Oh man, no! Stay away from the thought of other women until you have exasted all possibilities. Infact just the idea that you jumped to this conclusion already kinda scares me.

Martian · 10-24-2005, 08:56 PM

scottkuma's got the right idea - if all else fails just beat the meat. All the satisfaction of sex, none of the complaints about a headache!

Seriously, sit her down and have a frank discussion with her. Explain to her that you need more sex than you're getting and tell her that you may need to take matters into your own hands if she's not able to provide the amount of sex you need. It's very rare for two people to meet who have exactly the same sex drive and even if they do that can change. It's perfectly normal for individuals in a commited relationship to masturbate regularly and a much better solution than parking the car in another garage. As has been said, even on the chance that she says she's okay with it she's probably not and it will come back to haunt you. Think about her self esteem; if you feel the need to have sex with someone else, what does that say about her and how attractive you find her? I know and you know that isn't the motivation, but that's how she'll see it.

All that said and being the worst case scenario, there's every possibility that she just needs the romance rekindled. Send the kids over to an aunt's house for the night and pull out all the stops; candle-lit dinner, horse-drawn carriage, maybe a bed and breakfast. Hell, rent a cheap motel room, go in seperate cars and 'hook up', that can be very exciting. Whatever you think she'll go for, do it and you'll likely see her desire rekindled.

Women and men both experience a decrease in sex drive as they get older. As you have been together for 25 years I have to assume you're in your forties, it's not uncommon at that age for things to dwindle a bit. The best answer is for you to make her want it. Seduce her; as to the best method, you know her best and what will get her fire going, I'm sure you can come up with something.

Lead543 · 10-24-2005, 09:11 PM

Try a little romance. Back rubs, foot rubs, suprises, flowers, weekend getaways. Sometimes it takes a little time. Don't make a nice evening all about getting some, she'll know that's the main intention. Sometimes women just lose... that feeling sometimes I think... and then start to feel like an inflatable doll.

I'm hoping I'm not crossing any lines here but... if you're thinking of cheating on her, than obviously you're not giving her your all. Start over, aim to please her, give her everything you can as her husband, there's nothing sexier than that.

loganmule · 10-24-2005, 09:20 PM

Lots of good advice here already, but no one has discussed the possibility that it's at least partly a hormone thing. If so, appropriate hormone replacement therapy can do wonders. At a minimum, this should be ruled out. Either way, communication and letting her know that you'll work through it with her is key.

Locobot · 10-24-2005, 09:35 PM

Try the random flowers/dinner/wine/flattery route if you haven't already. You may temporarily have some positive results. Honestly though you shouldn't be expected to make a huge production every time you want a little nookie. And we all know that romantic favors will quickly become unromantic if it becomes as common as your libido demands.

If you really feel you have exhausted your possibilities to a reasonable degree it's time to start looking for someone else. I recommend cheating as this will give you romantic exposure to someone else, something you haven't had for 25 years. Also if you're careful your wife won't notice at all . She'll probably be relieved that you're not pestering her twice a day for a blowjob. You may very well find that although you can probably easily find a better match sexually, you won't be able to stand the person on any other level.

It's not the first thing you should try, but yep cheating is sometimes the answer.

SERPENT7 · 10-24-2005, 09:41 PM

I think Logan has it right.
If you have been seeing each other for 25 years, that means she is about 40-ish? That is a little early for menopause, but not by much.
Also, have you thought about going to the gym? (In other words, do YOU look good naked?)Give her something to get excited about, and see what happens. You'll feel better just by getting into shape, and spending regular time away from each other might help to take the edge off of the routine feeling. (I could be projecting there, though!)

SERPENT7 · 10-24-2005, 09:44 PM

Just another thought:
Dissatisfaction w/ sex might be a banner issue for discontent w/ her/the relationship in general.

GoldenOuroboros · 10-24-2005, 11:43 PM

Ok, everyones been over the don't cheat thing so I won't go into that. Go back to the times when you first started dating, did you remember doing those romantic things for her? Remember taking her places she loved, having fun with her, enjoying her company.

If she doesn't spark up to these things, somethings wrong, talk to her, go somewhere where you two can be alone, ask her what's been happening and if counselling is needed then your best chance is to go and seek some.

Women don't like to be chased after, well they do, but not when just sex is the issue. Give us an update on how things are going

5757 · 10-25-2005, 12:25 AM

Don't go outside of your marriage!!! Talk about it with her. Clear communication is the key! There are sex therapists you can go to, there are pills she can take that can help her sex drive, lets see, there is alcohol, etc.

Seriously though, this is not a laughing matter. Honesty is the best policy. You've got to communicate your feelings to her.

Give updates!

tecoyah · 10-25-2005, 03:00 AM

Communication
Initiation
Masturbation

No Frustration

In That Order

Poppinjay · 10-25-2005, 03:56 AM

If she hasn't been to the doctor lately, she may need to have her thyroid checked. When that shuts down, all the fun parts become very sensetive, but not in a good way.

If that's the problem, it's treatable.

Truenorth · 10-25-2005, 04:04 AM

Thanks to you all for your kind advices. I have started talking to her 2 years ago on the subject. Wrote her letter, letft her poems, put notes in her clothes. As she always like to watch me masturbate, I even taped myself doing it and gave it to her to watch when I am traveling. I talked to her about hormonal check. She laughed at the last one! Every time I try something to get us closer and that it doesn't fall during her day of the month, she tells me that I am a pain with this. I really don't want to get another wife. I love her and want to make love to her so much. Going to someone else is not my first choice, but masturbation goes so far!

As for the shape, I am no Brad Pitt, but have no problem with what I have to offer. I have always kept in great shape. It just plainly doesn't interrest her!

maleficent · 10-25-2005, 04:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truenorth

It just plainly doesn't interrest her!

Don't get down on yourself... I'd be willing to bet that it's not you or her attraction to you at all.

I'm not sure you mentioned your ages, but if you've known her for 25 years, I'm gonna guess she's might be in her late 30s/early 40s.. She might very well be peri-menopausal which can wreak havoc with hormones and sex drive. This can effect women in their late 30s to early 40s, simple diet changes can alleviate some of the symptoms from it.

Her lack of sex drive is something she should discuss with her doctor, but unless she sees it as a problem that might not come up.

dlish · 10-25-2005, 04:29 AM

maybe some other antics.. a blow up doll perhaps... im pretty sure they can make dolls that are 'near human' these days..and to whatever specifications you want.. i can even bring in a pic..im serious.... i saw it on tv a few weeks ago

..really.. i did!

that way u can make love to your wife when shes not in the mood or has a headache.. and that once a week lucky dip..and mrs palmer ever now and then, and your all ok!

Truenorth · 10-25-2005, 04:45 AM

Any of you guys / ladies with the same problems?

nightstuff · 10-25-2005, 04:53 AM

Have some girls I talk with online that complain that their boyfriends dont seem to like sex. She wants it everyday, where as he's satifisied with a paltry few times a month. And yes, this flips me out.

You know what sucks though? Its what would happen if you left her for a woman with a supposedly higher sex drive. Hypotheticly speaking, lets say your now ex-wife got together with a new man. Lets be honest here...what kind of sex drive would she exhibit with her new man in those first months? And why?

If you want to rekindle her libido, then its up to YOU (no, the both of you, but you'll get faster effect if you take responsibility) to make things more exciting. You have to find ways to break the pattern of monotony. Get kinky, play games, Roleplay, whatever. Plenty of literature on the subject, so start looking. But one things for sure, if you dont do something to jumpstart your sex life, you will end up getting a divorce, or resolving yourself to a marriage where sex is more like a holiday (thanksgiving).

Truenorth · 10-25-2005, 04:58 AM

Nighstuff,

I agree with you. If you go back on what I wrote earlier, I tried so many things that I am now almost of ideas. As for changing wife, I know I am looking for the wrong thing, but I would be looking for someone with the same problems and needs. Basically a sex partner... I know it sounds bad, but it is the only way can see it!.....

nightstuff · 10-25-2005, 05:23 AM

Damn man, that really does suck. I was together with a woman for 5 years that had a dead libido, supposedly due to a sex hangup. Everything else with our relationship was fulfilling: the friendship, the tenderness, the compassion. One morning she comes home after being away all night to tell me that she had finally found passion, but with another man. Just like that, her hangup was fixed. I learned alot from that experience...just a shame it ate 5 years of my life.

I sincerely believe that the only way you'll change things is through a traumatic experience. Someone needs to drop a bomb on your marriage, laser guided to strike at the sex part. I honestly feel that such a bomb would be threat of divorce. She needs to know at the core of her being that you WILL get divorced if something doesn't happen. What you do next is up to you. I suggest you drop the bomb, then leave to stay with friends/family. Take time away to give things perspective. THEN arrange for talks and marriage counseling. Then put your heart into saving the marriage, and stay faithful, for your future sanity's sake. With luck and hard work, things might just turn around.

shakran · 10-25-2005, 05:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nightstuff

I honestly feel that such a bomb would be threat of divorce. She needs to know at the core of her being that you WILL get divorced if something doesn't happen.

Wow. Yeah that'll make her just horny as hell won't it. If you want to increase her sex drive, threats and anger aren't the way to go about it. Work through it with her. It's not like she's doing it just to upset you - she wants to make you happy just as much as you want to make her happy. Work through the problem as a couple, not by "dropping bombs" on her.

nightstuff · 10-25-2005, 05:32 AM

You havent payed enough attention to the thread Shakran. I first suggested he work on the sex drive through changing the behavior (read: making things more exciting again).

He replied that he had tried just about everything he knew, without results. How longs he supposed to beat a dead horse. If he's come so far in his throught process as to consider an affair, then something BIG needs to happen.

Truenorth · 10-25-2005, 05:34 AM

I don't believe in making threats either! She is not being this way to piss me off. I strongly believe that it is the lack of desire period. She knows and has told me that she wants it only for a short period of time. We used to have sex very often. It was great. So I was thinking of ways to fill the need in some other ways until my own desires start to decrease with time and age. I know I am not 25 anymore (just turned 43) but feel the same desire as before!

Poppinjay · 10-25-2005, 05:36 AM

Really, Truenorth, strong sex drive becoming weak sex drive=visit to the doctor to make sure things are operating correctly.

maleficent · 10-25-2005, 05:39 AM

What exactly would be enough sex for you? Is she willing to meet you half way on your requests. (and if she says that you are being a pain, it sounds like you are coming dangerously close to whining about not getting nooky... whining about anything can get tiresome...)

Truenorth · 10-25-2005, 05:58 AM

Well let's say that once per month is not exactly much. Although I would go for more, once per week would be OK. I am a starting to be a pain after 3 weeks. Can you call this whinning?

nightstuff · 10-25-2005, 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truenorth

So I was thinking of ways to fill the need in some other ways until my own desires start to decrease with time and age. I know I am not 25 anymore (just turned 43) but feel the same desire as before!

Good god man! NO no no... do you realize how pathetic you sounded saying that? Repeat after me: "I deserve better". <Dr Ruth voice> you deserve good sex, and she does too. Don't settle for anything less. Stand up for whats important to you, because its your responsibility.

Biggest problem behind the sex therapy and improvement thing is the simple fact that you want more sex but she doesn't give a shit. Until she wants to change, you'll only be spinning your wheels. Something BIG needs to happen.

doncalypso · 10-25-2005, 06:38 AM

Gentlemen... if your wives are refusing to give you sex and you've done everything in your power to help them get in the mood (i.e. take them on dates, be "romantic," attempted to meet all of her emotional and psychological needs, etc) and they're still being frigid towards you and you don't want to remain sexless for the rest of your days then DIVORCE them.

Why should you stay in a sexless marriage when you've taken the vow to forsake all others and be true to that one person if they deny you constantly?

If they want to remain sexless then they should join a convent and become nuns. They shouldn't submit their husbands to such torture.

Craven Morehead · 10-25-2005, 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doncalypso

Gentlemen... if your wives are refusing to give you sex and you've done everything in your power to help them get in the mood (i.e. take them on dates, be "romantic," attempted to meet all of her emotional and psychological needs, etc) and they're still being frigid towards you and you don't want to remain sexless for the rest of your days then DIVORCE them.

Why should you stay in a sexless marriage when you've taken the vow to forsake all others and be true to that one person if they deny you constantly?

If they want to remain sexless then they should join a convent and become nuns. They shouldn't submit their husbands to such torture.

Ummmm, no. There's more to a marriage than sex.

Truenorth · 10-25-2005, 06:53 AM

Yo are right about this. That is why I want to work it out and have tried many things. Sex is not the only thing in marriage, but one of the things.

5757 · 10-25-2005, 07:49 AM

I don't know about the divorce advice. I would never suggest that. I think this is a problem that can be fixed.
First of all, one piece of advice that I would like to give is Make Sure you don't get hung up on porn. It will just cause more problems. I understand that you have to 'take care' of things yourself a lot, but still don't get so caught up in it. You will become more preoccupied with it than your wife.

I wonder if this period thing is a reason for her to let go. Like alcohol for some women. You know how some women can be so shy while sober, get a few drops in them and BAM. They're a sex freak. Maybe she doesn't feel confident while off of her period. She has an excuse while being on her period to let go and feel sexy and . . .have sex! It's a long shot I know. It's just that some women feel like acting out just simply isn't what they do. They need an excuse to.

Has she gone to the doctor at all? Will she?

Powderedmaggot · 10-25-2005, 08:13 AM

Show her this thread.

Glory's Sun · 10-25-2005, 08:25 AM

save some money and take her to the strip club
make her jealous a bit

or ask if she's cheating on you.. :shrug:

10-24-2005, 04:54 PM	#1 (permalink)
Truenorth Loser Location: North!	Not enough sex... what would you do?? I have been married for 17 years, with the same lady for 25 and love her. She also loves me, but her sexual drive is down. It could and must be hormonal because the only time she wants it is when ovulating. But for me once per month is not enough! We talked about it and she sees nothing wrong. I am going nuts. Should I find someone to fill the need with someone looking for the same. Looking for sex, not more? Sounds bad, but that is what is happening! What would you all do?

10-24-2005, 05:10 PM	#2 (permalink)
serlindsipity Psycho Location: Boulder Baby!	well first off, finding someone else to fill the need spells the immediate demise of your marriage. Unless she's okay with it, but 95% of the time they wont be (and even if they say they're cool with it). Beyond that, youll have to wait for more advice from elsewhere. But i'd nix that option, people will end up hurt, youll end up lonely, and trust me, even sex wont fill that void. __________________ My third eye is my camera's lens.

10-24-2005, 05:23 PM	#5 (permalink)
Anxst Condensing fact from the vapor of nuance. Location: Madison, WI	Cheating is not the solution here, unless you want your marriage to end. Communicate with her. Ask her what her wants and needs are. Remember, she does want sex, her drive is just lower. That means you have to help her build up desire. Find out what will currently help her build up that desire throughout the day and start building on it. Don't be pushy, she'll most definitely NOT be turned on by that. Just have a talk about it, and find out what she wants, and see if she'll trade what you want for it. You'll most likely find you both want the same thing, you just have different ways of receiving those goals. __________________ Don't mind me. I'm just releasing the insanity pressure from my headvalves.

10-24-2005, 06:30 PM	#7 (permalink)
ScottKuma Insane Location: Maineville, OH	I'm going through a very similar situation. My wife and I are working through it with some real honesty & some upcoming counseling. DON'T CHEAT! You will END your marriage by doing so. If nothing else (and at the risk of seeming vulgar), seek out some pictures on the intarwebs & go on a date with Rosie Palmer & her five sisters. __________________ A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take from you everything you have. -Gerald R. Ford GoogleMap Me

10-24-2005, 07:12 PM	#9 (permalink)
HoneyPot Crazy Location: Nunya	You can always do the initiating, but that doesn't mean shes going to want it too! What I would do... is totally set up a little romance in your house! Make it special and make her feel wanted. Make her feel beautiful and that you miss have that physical part of her. Let her know. Communication is key and also have an emtional side to everything. DO NOT CHEAT!!! You've been with her for so long... is it worth it? HELL NO. Good Luck! __________________ Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.

10-24-2005, 05:12 PM	#3 (permalink)
ryfo Psycho Location: melbourne australia	Have you explained that once a month is not enough for you? Remember, women like to be hugged and kissed as well as the intercourse . Maybe plan a romantic night and see what happens, you know flowers, dinner maybe a massage and let her know that you do love her, no matter what. I think looking for it, especially if she is unaware and without her consent is a one way trip into a very unhappy marriage. If all else fails see if she is interested in couples counselling, that may help

10-24-2005, 08:14 PM	#10 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	Oh man, no! Stay away from the thought of other women until you have exasted all possibilities. Infact just the idea that you jumped to this conclusion already kinda scares me.

10-24-2005, 08:56 PM	#11 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	scottkuma's got the right idea - if all else fails just beat the meat. All the satisfaction of sex, none of the complaints about a headache! Seriously, sit her down and have a frank discussion with her. Explain to her that you need more sex than you're getting and tell her that you may need to take matters into your own hands if she's not able to provide the amount of sex you need. It's very rare for two people to meet who have exactly the same sex drive and even if they do that can change. It's perfectly normal for individuals in a commited relationship to masturbate regularly and a much better solution than parking the car in another garage. As has been said, even on the chance that she says she's okay with it she's probably not and it will come back to haunt you. Think about her self esteem; if you feel the need to have sex with someone else, what does that say about her and how attractive you find her? I know and you know that isn't the motivation, but that's how she'll see it. All that said and being the worst case scenario, there's every possibility that she just needs the romance rekindled. Send the kids over to an aunt's house for the night and pull out all the stops; candle-lit dinner, horse-drawn carriage, maybe a bed and breakfast. Hell, rent a cheap motel room, go in seperate cars and 'hook up', that can be very exciting. Whatever you think she'll go for, do it and you'll likely see her desire rekindled. Women and men both experience a decrease in sex drive as they get older. As you have been together for 25 years I have to assume you're in your forties, it's not uncommon at that age for things to dwindle a bit. The best answer is for you to make her want it. Seduce her; as to the best method, you know her best and what will get her fire going, I'm sure you can come up with something. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

10-24-2005, 09:11 PM	#12 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	Try a little romance. Back rubs, foot rubs, suprises, flowers, weekend getaways. Sometimes it takes a little time. Don't make a nice evening all about getting some, she'll know that's the main intention. Sometimes women just lose... that feeling sometimes I think... and then start to feel like an inflatable doll. I'm hoping I'm not crossing any lines here but... if you're thinking of cheating on her, than obviously you're not giving her your all. Start over, aim to please her, give her everything you can as her husband, there's nothing sexier than that.

10-24-2005, 09:20 PM	#13 (permalink)
loganmule Junkie Location: midwest	Lots of good advice here already, but no one has discussed the possibility that it's at least partly a hormone thing. If so, appropriate hormone replacement therapy can do wonders. At a minimum, this should be ruled out. Either way, communication and letting her know that you'll work through it with her is key.

10-24-2005, 09:35 PM	#14 (permalink)
Locobot is awesome!	Try the random flowers/dinner/wine/flattery route if you haven't already. You may temporarily have some positive results. Honestly though you shouldn't be expected to make a huge production every time you want a little nookie. And we all know that romantic favors will quickly become unromantic if it becomes as common as your libido demands. If you really feel you have exhausted your possibilities to a reasonable degree it's time to start looking for someone else. I recommend cheating as this will give you romantic exposure to someone else, something you haven't had for 25 years. Also if you're careful your wife won't notice at all . She'll probably be relieved that you're not pestering her twice a day for a blowjob. You may very well find that although you can probably easily find a better match sexually, you won't be able to stand the person on any other level. It's not the first thing you should try, but yep cheating is sometimes the answer.

10-24-2005, 09:41 PM	#15 (permalink)
SERPENT7 Crazy Location: Gold country!	I think Logan has it right. If you have been seeing each other for 25 years, that means she is about 40-ish? That is a little early for menopause, but not by much. Also, have you thought about going to the gym? (In other words, do YOU look good naked?)Give her something to get excited about, and see what happens. You'll feel better just by getting into shape, and spending regular time away from each other might help to take the edge off of the routine feeling. (I could be projecting there, though!)

10-24-2005, 09:44 PM	#16 (permalink)
SERPENT7 Crazy Location: Gold country!	Just another thought: Dissatisfaction w/ sex might be a banner issue for discontent w/ her/the relationship in general.

10-24-2005, 11:43 PM	#17 (permalink)
GoldenOuroboros The Cheshire Grin... Location: An Aussie Outback	Ok, everyones been over the don't cheat thing so I won't go into that. Go back to the times when you first started dating, did you remember doing those romantic things for her? Remember taking her places she loved, having fun with her, enjoying her company. If she doesn't spark up to these things, somethings wrong, talk to her, go somewhere where you two can be alone, ask her what's been happening and if counselling is needed then your best chance is to go and seek some. Women don't like to be chased after, well they do, but not when just sex is the issue. Give us an update on how things are going __________________ Can you see me grin grin grrriiiiinnnning?!

10-25-2005, 12:25 AM	#18 (permalink)
5757 Insane Location: Vegas!!	NO! Don't go outside of your marriage!!! Talk about it with her. Clear communication is the key! There are sex therapists you can go to, there are pills she can take that can help her sex drive, lets see, there is alcohol, etc. Seriously though, this is not a laughing matter. Honesty is the best policy. You've got to communicate your feelings to her. Give updates! __________________ Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana

10-25-2005, 03:00 AM	#19 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	Communication Initiation Masturbation No Frustration In That Order __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

10-25-2005, 03:56 AM	#20 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	If she hasn't been to the doctor lately, she may need to have her thyroid checked. When that shuts down, all the fun parts become very sensetive, but not in a good way. If that's the problem, it's treatable. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

10-25-2005, 04:04 AM	#21 (permalink)
Truenorth Loser Location: North!	Thanks to you all for your kind advices. I have started talking to her 2 years ago on the subject. Wrote her letter, letft her poems, put notes in her clothes. As she always like to watch me masturbate, I even taped myself doing it and gave it to her to watch when I am traveling. I talked to her about hormonal check. She laughed at the last one! Every time I try something to get us closer and that it doesn't fall during her day of the month, she tells me that I am a pain with this. I really don't want to get another wife. I love her and want to make love to her so much. Going to someone else is not my first choice, but masturbation goes so far! As for the shape, I am no Brad Pitt, but have no problem with what I have to offer. I have always kept in great shape. It just plainly doesn't interrest her!

10-25-2005, 04:29 AM	#23 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	maybe some other antics.. a blow up doll perhaps... im pretty sure they can make dolls that are 'near human' these days..and to whatever specifications you want.. i can even bring in a pic..im serious.... i saw it on tv a few weeks ago ..really.. i did! that way u can make love to your wife when shes not in the mood or has a headache.. and that once a week lucky dip..and mrs palmer ever now and then, and your all ok! __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

10-25-2005, 04:45 AM	#24 (permalink)
Truenorth Loser Location: North!	Any of you guys / ladies with the same problems?

10-25-2005, 04:53 AM	#25 (permalink)
nightstuff Tilted Location: where polar bears walk the streets	Have some girls I talk with online that complain that their boyfriends dont seem to like sex. She wants it everyday, where as he's satifisied with a paltry few times a month. And yes, this flips me out. You know what sucks though? Its what would happen if you left her for a woman with a supposedly higher sex drive. Hypotheticly speaking, lets say your now ex-wife got together with a new man. Lets be honest here...what kind of sex drive would she exhibit with her new man in those first months? And why? If you want to rekindle her libido, then its up to YOU (no, the both of you, but you'll get faster effect if you take responsibility) to make things more exciting. You have to find ways to break the pattern of monotony. Get kinky, play games, Roleplay, whatever. Plenty of literature on the subject, so start looking. But one things for sure, if you dont do something to jumpstart your sex life, you will end up getting a divorce, or resolving yourself to a marriage where sex is more like a holiday (thanksgiving).

10-25-2005, 04:58 AM	#26 (permalink)
Truenorth Loser Location: North!	Nighstuff, I agree with you. If you go back on what I wrote earlier, I tried so many things that I am now almost of ideas. As for changing wife, I know I am looking for the wrong thing, but I would be looking for someone with the same problems and needs. Basically a sex partner... I know it sounds bad, but it is the only way can see it!.....

10-25-2005, 05:23 AM	#27 (permalink)
nightstuff Tilted Location: where polar bears walk the streets	Damn man, that really does suck. I was together with a woman for 5 years that had a dead libido, supposedly due to a sex hangup. Everything else with our relationship was fulfilling: the friendship, the tenderness, the compassion. One morning she comes home after being away all night to tell me that she had finally found passion, but with another man. Just like that, her hangup was fixed. I learned alot from that experience...just a shame it ate 5 years of my life. I sincerely believe that the only way you'll change things is through a traumatic experience. Someone needs to drop a bomb on your marriage, laser guided to strike at the sex part. I honestly feel that such a bomb would be threat of divorce. She needs to know at the core of her being that you WILL get divorced if something doesn't happen. What you do next is up to you. I suggest you drop the bomb, then leave to stay with friends/family. Take time away to give things perspective. THEN arrange for talks and marriage counseling. Then put your heart into saving the marriage, and stay faithful, for your future sanity's sake. With luck and hard work, things might just turn around.

10-25-2005, 05:32 AM	#29 (permalink)
nightstuff Tilted Location: where polar bears walk the streets	You havent payed enough attention to the thread Shakran. I first suggested he work on the sex drive through changing the behavior (read: making things more exciting again). He replied that he had tried just about everything he knew, without results. How longs he supposed to beat a dead horse. If he's come so far in his throught process as to consider an affair, then something BIG needs to happen.

10-25-2005, 05:34 AM	#30 (permalink)
Truenorth Loser Location: North!	I don't believe in making threats either! She is not being this way to piss me off. I strongly believe that it is the lack of desire period. She knows and has told me that she wants it only for a short period of time. We used to have sex very often. It was great. So I was thinking of ways to fill the need in some other ways until my own desires start to decrease with time and age. I know I am not 25 anymore (just turned 43) but feel the same desire as before!

10-25-2005, 05:36 AM	#31 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	Really, Truenorth, strong sex drive becoming weak sex drive=visit to the doctor to make sure things are operating correctly. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

10-25-2005, 05:39 AM	#32 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	What exactly would be enough sex for you? Is she willing to meet you half way on your requests. (and if she says that you are being a pain, it sounds like you are coming dangerously close to whining about not getting nooky... whining about anything can get tiresome...) __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

10-25-2005, 05:58 AM	#33 (permalink)
Truenorth Loser Location: North!	Well let's say that once per month is not exactly much. Although I would go for more, once per week would be OK. I am a starting to be a pain after 3 weeks. Can you call this whinning?

10-25-2005, 06:38 AM	#35 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	Gentlemen... if your wives are refusing to give you sex and you've done everything in your power to help them get in the mood (i.e. take them on dates, be "romantic," attempted to meet all of her emotional and psychological needs, etc) and they're still being frigid towards you and you don't want to remain sexless for the rest of your days then DIVORCE them. Why should you stay in a sexless marriage when you've taken the vow to forsake all others and be true to that one person if they deny you constantly? If they want to remain sexless then they should join a convent and become nuns. They shouldn't submit their husbands to such torture. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

10-25-2005, 06:53 AM	#37 (permalink)
Truenorth Loser Location: North!	Yo are right about this. That is why I want to work it out and have tried many things. Sex is not the only thing in marriage, but one of the things.

10-25-2005, 07:49 AM	#38 (permalink)
5757 Insane Location: Vegas!!	... I don't know about the divorce advice. I would never suggest that. I think this is a problem that can be fixed. First of all, one piece of advice that I would like to give is Make Sure you don't get hung up on porn. It will just cause more problems. I understand that you have to 'take care' of things yourself a lot, but still don't get so caught up in it. You will become more preoccupied with it than your wife. I wonder if this period thing is a reason for her to let go. Like alcohol for some women. You know how some women can be so shy while sober, get a few drops in them and BAM. They're a sex freak. Maybe she doesn't feel confident while off of her period. She has an excuse while being on her period to let go and feel sexy and . . .have sex! It's a long shot I know. It's just that some women feel like acting out just simply isn't what they do. They need an excuse to. Has she gone to the doctor at all? Will she? __________________ Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana

10-25-2005, 08:13 AM	#39 (permalink)
Powderedmaggot Banned	Show her this thread.

10-25-2005, 08:25 AM	#40 (permalink)
Glory's Sun Registered User	save some money and take her to the strip club make her jealous a bit or ask if she's cheating on you.. :shrug: