bing bing

This happens all the time. For males, quality of one's sex life is the number one predictor of marital satisfaction. If it were me personally, i'd get myself out of any sexless marriage.

Redlemon

I've been looking back at your previous posts, and I was interested in the types of threads that you have started here:
It seems that you have been searching for the answer for a while, but perhaps asking the wrong questions.

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.

doncalypso

You're right that there's more to sex than marriage, but a spouse should never deny sex to their partner because part of the deal in a monogamous marriage is that you won't go have sex with other people and that you'll remain faithful.

Rather than be tempted to cheat because your spouse is denying you sex it is wiser to pull the plug on the marriage and be freed up to meet other people.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Coppertop

Masturbate more, obviously. Just be sure to heed 5757's advice about the porn. It can really jade you so I'm told.

Leto

absolutely. But there should be an equal give and take as well.

Daoust

cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat















But you'll regret it.

__________________
I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

feelgood

Don't think its been suggested yet but have you and your wife have considered "parnter-swapping"? I don't know what's the proper term (swinging?) but it might be able to jumpstart your sex life again with other women plus, from stories of some couples, it can make the marriage stronger.

Again, I'm just suggesting what the others have experienced, not what I've gone through. I'm only 21 for christ's sake :P

__________________
Looking out the window, that's an act of war. Staring at my shoes, that's an act of war. Committing an act of war? Oh you better believe that's an act of war

abaya

Yeah, I dunno about masturbating more... I mean, to fulfill your own needs, sure. But if you aren't solving the root of the problem, which is the change in her sex drive, then more masturbation and porn-gazing will only make you more bitter, distanced, and unhappy in the long run... because you're MARRIED, man. Sex is not everything, but if you are incompatible in any way in a marriage (emotionally, spiritually, sexually, etc), then no amount of self-pleasure is going to save you.

Have you said to her,

"I feel hurt when you only want to have sex with me once a month."
"I feel like you don't find me attractive anymore when we don't have regular sex."
"I feel rejected when you don't want to have sex with me more often."
"I feel like you care less about our marriage, because you aren't willing to work on this problem with me."

Then, if she replies positively...
"Would you be willing to see a doctor/therapist/etc? We can go together."

etc. etc.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ScottKuma

ACK! Do we ONLY get married to have a convenient sex partner, or is it because we LOVE the person whom we're marrying?

Divorce gets you out of the sexless marriage, but doesn't help the one person whom you've pledged to help above all else. Part of the problem with this is the fact that divorce is completely and utterly selfish. The wife's lack of libido is more than likely NOT a selfish act - something's wrong.

It may be physical, psychological, or something in the relationship, but if you fix what's WRONG, you fix the problem.

Now, if you go through counseling, check her out medically, make sure everything's alright...do weekly dates, make things more romantic, THEN she's still not getting her libido back... Then and only then would I even suggest considering divorce.

__________________
A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take from you everything you have.

GoogleMap Me

Charlatan

It is for men like yourself that Massage Parlours and Escorts exist.

Definatley follow the advice that everyone here has given you about talking to your wife, treating her well, romancing her, etc. True happiness and success will be had only from your marriage.

Avoid the complication of an affair. You do not want to go down this road for all the reasons that have been detailed above.

Go to a massage parlour (euphemistically known as a rub and tug). Do your research and find a clean one. Sex for money will give you relief from the stress you are experiencing from the lack of sex from your wife. It also is the ultimate, no strings attached sex. It sounds crass but what you are paying for is not really the sex (you can get that for free) you are paying for the woman (or man) to leave when you are finished.

Just remember, this is not love sex, it is really only a step up from masturbation.

There will be many who will denouce me for this post but for some men it is the ultimate solution to a sexless (but not loveless) marriage.

If you do not have love, you probably shouldn't be married at all.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

HALJNS

I'M 53 AND SHE IS 43.WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 16 YRS AND SHE HAS HAD THE SEX DRIVE OF A TURTTLE SINCE" I DO" 6 YRS. AGOAND SHE SWITCHED TO CHOCOLATE.ANNOUNCED I WAS LOOKING AND THINGS GOT A LITTLE BIT BETTER LIKE AFTER SHE FOUND RESPONSES FROM SEX SEARCH.COM/ADULTFRIEND FINDER ON THE PUTER.THERE ARE MARRIED LADIES OUT THERE WITH THE SAME PROBLEM.

REGARDLESS I'M STILL HANGING WITH BIG MAMMA AND IT'S GETTING BETTER.

PS-THE CANDY HAS BECOME ABOUT A 50 LB WEIGHT ADDITION THAT HAS NOT HELPED EITHER OF US.

GOOD LUCK(SORRY FOR THE CAPS ,TOO MUCH MASTURBATION GETTING TO MY EYES)

ScottKuma

Respectfully, RB, this is also illegal in many jursidictions. If caught propositioning for sex, you may be subject to arrest, impound of your vehicle, and public trial.

To the OP - ask yourself this: "If I get caught, does it help or hurt my marriage?"

__________________
A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take from you everything you have.

GoogleMap Me

shakran

I did pay attention to the thread. But that doesn't change the fact that if I go up to a woman and essentially say "bitch, fuck me or get out" it's not going to accomplish the stated goal.

There's still plenty of options available to them without "dropping bombs."

Charlatan

Move to Canada. It is legal here.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

ScottKuma

NICE. Canada's appealing to me more & more lately (and NOT necessarily b/c of political/Presidential reasons).

__________________
A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take from you everything you have.

GoogleMap Me

Truenorth

It is beautiful in the Great White North. The Truenorth!...

jerimya

I do not post on here very often, more of a browser. However, I have been cheated on before. The no sex-drive pointed me to this conclusion and it was true. I hope for your sake it is not. But I can tell you this, DO NOT cheat. You will only destroy any chance you have at being happy with her if she is not already cheating on you.

insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

serlindsipity

as much fun as that sounds to some people, unless its liked by her you will have more than lack of sex to deal with. youll have an angry wife and a potential lawsuit. "take what is rightfully yours" is incredibly subjective nad thus an invalid way to go about dealing with the situation.

__________________
My third eye is my camera's lens.

Sweetpea

ummm... that's called RAPE! 'rightfully yours'?? I don't mean to sound rude, but my first thought when i read that was "you're sick." Do you know that is the reason that most rapists give?? not a good lot of people to be aligned with....

seriously, be a little more sensitive when giving advice... such advice would lead to a Divorce right away... and also probably a criminal case.

As to the original poster..

Communicate your needs... if your needs aren't important to her... Then leave the marriage and find someone more suitable.

Also... have you tried sexual couseling?? it works wonders for some couples.


What would i do personally?? My husband and i have talked about this before... i have a very high sex drive and so does he... If our marriage were to start being sexless, i know that it would end in divorce. Life is too short to not have passion in your life.


Sweetpea

__________________
Having a Pet Will Change Your Life!
Looking for a great pet?! Click Here!
"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

genuinegirly

Such a difficult place. Sounds like you're very loyal if it has taken you this long to figure out if you want to look elsewhere. Hate to say it, but I'm going to have to go with those who recommend sitting down and having a frank discussion, including asking if she is cheating. Find out what options she wants to give you. One day a month has to be painful. See if she would be ok with you seeing someone else to meet your needs. Even suggesting something as drastic as that might just be the "bomb" to show her it's a real issue.

Sounds like you're trying to be romantic and encouraging. That's good to hear. Find out what issues are going along with this limited sex drive. Ask often if she would be willing to see a doctor or a counselor about this. Show her it's about her health as well as your own. Is she on some sort of new religious kick that encourages abstinence? Is she cheating on you? Does she enjoy torturing you? Does she just not realize how challenging this is for you?

Good luck.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

dlish

lol way to go charlatan! it what everyone was thinking but afraid to say.. at least charlatan had the guts to finally say it.

besides its probably cheaper than a date

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

nightstuff

Hehe, actually, I think he's talking about bondage when he says "tie her up". It can be a huge turn on for some (actually i dare say most enjoy it some form...being tied up and teased can be niiiice), and definately rocket fuel for a sex drive. Doesnt sound to me like you've really tried it to know.

seems this relationship has plenty of love and tenderness, but what it might not have, when it comes to the sex part, is excitement. Experimenting with kinky things like bondage could be the answer.

But looking for sex elsewhere is a one-way ticket to divorce lane if you ask me. Id rather get tough with her than cheat. Maybe im a "jerk" and make threats and demands to make things work, but I dont cheat on my girl.

GoldenOuroboros

Unfortunately what Guccilvr has said has crossed my mind too

__________________
Can you see me grin grin grrriiiiinnnning?!

MoJoPokeyBlue

Sounds to me like you've tried everything...and she just isn't interested. At least you know where you stand and that gives us a starting point.

Part of the problem might be the lack of "affection" instead of lack of "sex". For instance, when you try to initiate sex, how does she reject you? Does she simply ignore you, push you away, tell you to stop, get angry/hostile, or what? Let her know that there's a good way to reject you and a bad way.

You're going to have to come up with some guidelines that work for you, but as a start let her know that if she doesn't want sex, to: touch you, hold you, kiss you, and say something like, "Sorry honey, but I'm just not in the mood right now. I hope you understand that I still love you." The point is, "how" she rejects has a lot to do with what you're feeling.

Women talk a lot about how their needs are "different"...and they're right. But this also means that men are different too. Men need sex in almost the same manner that women need emotional attention. Ask your wife how she would feel if you only talked to her once a month and the rest of the time ignored her. Eventually she would feel unloved, her self esteem would suffer and she would start thinking about getting out of the marriage because she feels unwanted. Obviously you're feeling the same way right now. You need to communicate "how" this situation makes you feel, in a manner that she understands.

"Cheating" on your wife will work in the short term, because you'll start to feel needed again and you'll be having sex. However, from what I've read in this thread, you show all the classic symptoms of simply wanting attention. You probably want to have an affair so that you'll get caught. When she finds out about the affair and the shit hits the fan, even the negative attention you'll get from your wife is better than no attention.

If you communicate these things to your wife and she still doesn't respond, that puts us into another area altogether. At that point, you're going to have to sit down and prioritize your needs. If this truly has been going to for a few years and she doesn't respond to the suggestions above, it's not good for either of you. If we were sitting across from each other, I'd hand you a calendar and a big red marker and tell you to "Pick a day when your leaving, and let's start planning backwards to make this work."

MoJo

Sultana

Dude! Don't be deceived by her darling screen name, I'm rather certain sweetpea has plenty of experience in a variety of...endeavors.

I'd encourage you to not suggest that folks don't truely know about something if they have a different viewpoint, at least not until you get to know them better.

That's all.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

ShaniFaye

are you serious? you're right thats horrible advice

and how could it have worked for you? If you go by "biblical thinking" in deciding its rightfully yours....you have to be married for that to be so.....I didnt think you were married yet

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

nightstuff

*wrinkles nose* hmm... yeah ok, you got me.

Didnt mean it like that though Sweetpea. Just used that line to emphasis my point that it was unfair to assume he meant marital rape, though I agree he sounded a bit creepy with his phrasing. For all i know, you've got a well-oiled dungeon in the basement

JustJess

TrueNorth - As a girl who loves booty, but is dealing with low hormones/drive issues... You have to have that talk. And you have to ask two-maybe three- questions.

One: Is it me?
Two: Are you cheating?
Three: If those are no, then please, please, please, let's go to the doctor and get you checked out. Especially since you used to have a strong sex life.

You clearly love her, and are trying to do the right thing. Don't give up. I'm betting on hormone changes ala peri-menopause, as was mentioned earlier.

I have to disagree with Charlatan only because even if you're paying for it, it's still cheating.

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Sweetpea

hehe no worries.

I'm into bondage myself and practice it in my own marriage.

I was pointing out that there is a difference between doing bondage together as part of a loving relationship and using bondage wrongly to "solve" a problem of not getting enough sex. That was what i was objecting to. Bondage won't solve anything for a situation such as this... only communication and being open about one's needs will.

back to the op, How is it going TrueNorth?? Have you discussed things with your wife?? We're all here if you still would like to talk about it.

Sweetpea

__________________
Having a Pet Will Change Your Life!
Looking for a great pet?! Click Here!
"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

kel

1. If you have discussed this with her and she is okay with not fulfilling your needs (within reason) than you have a bigger problem then sex. Does she no longer feel the need to be initmate with you in other ways? How much time do you get to spend with her? Is she overworked?

2. Masturbate. It's less tiring, and in a technical senses it provides better direct stimulation, and you can look at other women while you do it! She get's to blow you off, you get porn! Win win scenario ;-)

__________________
"It better be funny"

Charlatan

No question. It is definately cheating. The reason I suggest it is because IF you are resolved to find sex outside of your marriage, it is the better way to go.

An affair with another person is not fair to that other person. Emotional attatchments with another person can lead to a more trouble than you started with (it's like the old lady that swallowed a fly...).

If you are happy in all other aspects of your marriage AND you feel you have done everything in your power to solve the issue of sex that lies between you and your partner and you are resolved to find sex outside of your marriage... sex for money is the lesser of two evils.

In the end, it is one step up from masturbation. If a man was used to his wife giving him massages or foot rubs on a regular basis and then she just lost interest in giving them, no one would bat an eye if he started going to a Massage Therapist or a Reflexologist. As soon as the issue of orgasm enters into the calculation it suddenly becomes a "really big issue".

While I respect the reasons why people feel this way (we tend to place a lot of our self worth in how our partners veiw us sexually and if they get sex elsewhere, it appears to diminish us -- have I not read, many posters here say that a relationship is more than just sex? If so, it has to cut both ways) I just don't understand why it has to be this way.


So again... yes it is cheating BUT it is the physical act of sex he craves not the emotional attachment of another lover. He apparently gets this from his wife already.

In an ideal world, a woman who doesn't really want sex with her husband should encorage he man to seek out professional help.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

BigBen

I never really thought of it like that before. I guess I am guilty of making it a "Really Big Issue" when sexual contact is concerned. Hmmmm.
/start joke
Would these sessions be covered under the Provincial Health Plans? They should be! As a matter of fact, a province could use that as a marketing slogan: "Prince Edward Island, where your sexual release is covered! Come for the sex, stay for the food!"

Oh, wait. I think Ontario already has a plan: It fucks its citizens on a weekly basis.
/end joke

But I understand what you are saying, Charlatan. As a matter of fact, I think I might agree with you. I don't condone prostitution, as I am told it comes with some really severe social problems. I have never been exposed to it, so I don't know first hand. I am not one of those posters who is all "My sister was a prostitute so that makes me an expert in the subject". I am just saying what I have heard.

I am going to have to think about this alot more.

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

Charlatan

Ben... I seem to remember a push in Germany to make visits to prostitutes deductable... I think it was a loop hole in their system that has since been plugged.

As for the social problems, I think like many (some) things that fall under "vice", the social problems are more an aspect of the illegality of the activities.

I would think there would be a big difference between a woman working on the streets (crack whore or being pimped, etc.) and one that works from her own apartment, for herself. I maybe naive but I don't think so.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Truenorth

After all the reading... and thinking...I have to tell you that I have found someone..... My wife... With all that she means to me and gives me, I guess that although the sex is kind of important, it is not the most important thing.

Thank you all for your advices....

Redlemon

Have you considered inviting her to TFP? It would be interesting to hear her side.

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.

serlindsipity

I was thinking the same thing as Redlemon. She'd learn a lot as i imagine you already have.

__________________
My third eye is my camera's lens.

Leto

I was wondering why I was feeling more satisfied lately!

But to address Charl's strategy, how do you explain the Visa bill to your SO?

** oh, do you know any good locations along the Danforth?

Charlatan

I would imagine it is all cash transactions... not that I would know. Same for the Danforth...

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

tecoyah

Good for you.....and wise.

Now that you have said that.....lemme tell you a little story:

There was once a man (Call him "T"), who was married to a frigid woman for many years. Sex was rare, and there was no love to be found in it."T" tried talking about the issue with her, and even went to councelling with his wife to try to get to the underlying issue.
Years of drought passed before he realized the woman he married had major sex issues, instilled in her by her mother. One night....seven years into the marriage "T" was trying one last time to be romantic, massage, dinner, ego building....and he was met with this simple statement.

" I suppose it is my wifely duty"

They never slept together again....and were divorced three months later.


No Matter What....you need to try, make the attempt to "Fix" what is wrong in a relationship. But there may come a time, when the effort simply shows you the brick wall behind the door you finally open.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha