ivegotcandy

I would appreciate any advice you guys are willing to post.

I am a married man for the past 7 years and I have two wonderful children. For the last few years I have grown increasingly distant from my wife. It is mainly because we share hardly anything in common except for our children. Recently at work a new girl has started and she occasionally has to work in my office. This girl is crazy hot. She is only 19 and I am 30. We talk all the time and share many interests. We always make sure we get each other lunch and occasionally bring in breakfast for each other. I find myself constantly thinking about her day and night. I ahve sworn to myself not to let her get to me, but it is not working. It is driving me crazy. I would love to be with her in any way possible. I am pretty sure she has interest in me although I can tell she is reluctant to admit it since there is a large age gap according to her. Everyone at my work thinks she wants me and I tell them they are wrong just so I don't feel like a fool and admit that I want her to.
I want to sit down with her and ask her straight out how she feels. I am hesitant to do this because it could create a very unhealthy working enviroment. If she says that she doesn't have any feelings for me, I would be screwed because I would have to face her every day. I think that this girl has it all. She has completely taken over my thoughts for a couple of weeks. I dream about her almost every night. I don't want to fuck it up.
What do you guys think I should do?

Atanvarno

What basically are you thinking to do with this "new" girl?

In order to leave your wife with 2 kids I'd have to say you'd better have found 'The One'. I don't think I would ever divorce the mother of my children ...
And I haven't heard you mention anything you two have incommon except a (possible) attraction and the work-place.

Looking for an affair? I dunno what works best ... of course honesty is a vitue and should be cherished, so ask your wife what she would think about it? *shrugs*
But to quote Gildor: "You have not told me everything concerning yourself; and how then shall I choose better than you?"

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rogue49

Dude, you're lonely
and you're in lust with a person you are connecting with.
But you don't have any background together.

Deal with your shit at home first, clear that up.
Then you will be able to see clearly, and have the proper perspective.
You don't really know what your real status is.
Why put both of you through that kind of hurt & awkwardness?

Unless you are the shallow kind that can love em, leave em and totally ignore the fact you screwed with your co-worker.
Some can't do that.
You are asking for a DRAMA to happen.

very bad idea I think.
believe me 9 times out of 10 the shit hits the fan somehow.

cj2112

sounds too much like shitting where ya eat, both at home and at work...bad idea.

ivegotcandy

I am trying to sort out my situation at home. It takes a little time. I can't just pick up and leave. I think I have to leave. I'm very unhappy and it is reflected everyday. I think it would be better for the children if we split up. I would be happier.
I am not leaving my wife because of this girl. I decided I needed to leave before she started working there. I would never cheat on my wife either. I wouldn't do anything until we were split up. This new girl will be leaving work at the end of summer and I feel I need to do something before time runs out.
I don't welcome any drama either but I don't want to sit back and let this girl get away. I have never thought about a woman as much as this one in my entire life.

Frowning Budah

Sounds like early middle age crazies. Been there. Don't do it. Stay as far away from this "new girl" as you can the infatuation will fade if you give it time.
Can you and your wife find some kind of activity you both like?

grumpyolddude

I have found myself in your situation more than once in my 23+ years of marriage. My wife and I have seemingly spent years living apart together, and I have felt frustration and some strong attractions toward other women, and plenty of opportunity. Basically, you are feeling lustful, but neglected at home. Something had to attract you to your wife, initially. Somewhere at home, those qualities still exist. You aren't letting yourself see them right now.
My suggestion is: start being sexually aggressive toward your wife, even if you have to FORCE yourself to do it. Make gentle, passionate love to her, even if you have to think of the young girl from work while you do it. Your wife should respond by starting to give back to you some of the attention she's been spending on the children.
They call what you are going through the "7 year itch" for very good reasons. If you learn how to get through this without tearing your family apart, you have a good chance of growing old and enjoying your grandchildren together. That may not seem like a worthwhile goal at the age of thirty, but you'll regret not trying.
Good Luck on your decision.

grumpy

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gibber71

Family is one thing.Your personal happiness as an individual is another. Your personal well being is the most important. If that means working things out with your wife or leaving,so be it.Your children deserve the best person you can be as possible,be it with your wife or not.

cdwonderful

you are in trouble, unless you do nothing. all the consequences of any one of your proposed actions will be severe at best, tramatic at worst. Tread carefully and be sure of what you want.

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gonadman

Budah's got it right. Let this girl go and avoid her as much as you can. She's clouding the issue with your wife. Marriages have their ups and downs.

The kids lives are too important to let the little head decide this one...

LewisCouch

Focus, you must focus. All of the advice here has been supportive and good. Happiness can be elusive, however, you and your wife must have shared many happy moments. Focus on those times, and rediscover your love for her. Avoid the 19 year old. She's just infatuated with an older man who finds her interesting. Ignore her for awhile and watch what happens.

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william

Here's the bottom line - at one time you loved your wife. So much so that you wanted her to bear your children. Get back to that. Realize what was.
This new girl is 19, you're 30. She doesn't have a clue about what (who/where)you are, and vise-versa. You dump the wife and kids, and in a few months shes moves on to a stud 10 years younger.
Face it - you think you have the best of both worlds, you just don't see it. The family who loves you and the girl who wants you when you were younger. Realize what made you want your wife - and want it again!

ivegotcandy

All of your advice is very helpful and I appreciate it.
I have tried to avoid this girl. I purposely didn't call her office for a couple of days just to see if it was me who was initiating all the contact. But, she would end up calling me after a hour or two. I know how much trouble it would cause if I ended up being with her. I've tried to think about all the scenarios. She could ditch me after a few weeks, she could turn into a bitch. Also, I realize that she is much younger than me and would need attention that I probably wouldn't be willing to give. I've been with girls her age when I was younger and it was a pain in the ass. Older women are much easier to get along with. After all this careful consideration, I still end up wanting her. This girl is good at getting my attention too. She knows exactly what she is doing. She rubs my shoulders when I'm at my desk, she purposely shows off her tight stomach when she's in my office, she does the playing with the hair thing. At first I just thought that maybe she was just being a tease. I'm trying to be careful not be a sucker, but it's not working.
So, when I go back to work on Tuesday, I will try to ignore her. I promise. She is going to ask me why I'm not talking to her. Should I tell her why? Should I tell her to keep a distance?

ivegotcandy

I also forgot to ask you guys why you think this girl is attracted to me. I told you she is hot and all the guys at work hit on her and she turns them down, even the single guys. She also tells me about other guys that hit on her outside of work. I don't see why she would want me when she can clearly get other men. I'm not rich, and I don't think I'm really good looking. She broke up with her boyfriend a couple of weeks ago and she hasn't been on any dates since. The only thing I can think of is because I'm nice to her.

Conclamo Ludus

I'd stop asking yourself what you would do and ask yourself what your kids would have you do.

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Frowning Budah

This girl maybe after you for the same reason women go after priest, teachers, gays whatever. She may see you as a challenge. She may be turned on by authority. She may be looking for a sugar daddy. Maybe she is truly attracted to you.
It doesn't matter. She has nothing to loose in this situation. You have everything to loose.

SiN

yep, good way of looking at it.

and keep in mind, one of the possibilities is they may *not* want you with their mother if its blatantly obvious you 2 are unhappy together...

only you can figure out if you can/should try to get a proper marriage going again with your wife..

and as far as this other girl is concerned -

you've got 2 separate issues here, and i'd say put all your attention/energy on the first one.

figure out what to do with your marriage, then do it.

good luck.

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gonadman

What to say to her? I think honesty is best. Look at her right in the eye and tell her that while it is nice to talk to her, friends is all that you will ever be because you care about your family too much to do anything that would ever endanger that trust.

If the girl has character, she will respect what you are telling her and back off a bit.

Just be careful- you might now be more of a challenge to her!

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-Carlos Castaneda

Minx

I think the main issue in all this is the relationship you have with your wife. Staying together for the kids sake's, while it sounds very nice on paper, doesn't work. They are smart...they see the tension - even if it's slight. They know when their parents aren't happy even when it looks otherwise. Deal with this first. What you are feeling for this other woman might be just an infatuation because of your unhappiness at home. It might just be the need you have for someone to love you and be attracted to you. On the otherhand, it could be your one true love and your ages shouldn't matter one bit or what other people think or say.
I think it all boils down to - do you still love your wife, or - even if you had never ever met this girl at work - would you still be thinking of leaving your wife?

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illdeviant

yea. i haven't really read through all of the posts, but i'm 18, and i think it's really easy for lotta the guys here to give feedback, but they don't know it till they've actually experienced it, you know? of course im assuming, but I dont think a lot of the guys are 5+ plus years into the marriage, let alone married ( i could be wrong)... but yea, i really think experience makes a big difference. so you should really think hardcore on their responses before taking it into consideration..

anyway. for what it's worth...like several people said already.. you and your wife HAD something in the beginning.. the lust and passion. and hopefully what followed was the COMpassion... until it dulled away to the point you are now. I think it's best to try to get back to the stage of compassion. and just understand that it's natural for ANY couple. no matter what they say to have more dulled feelings towards each other since the first they met. its inevitable. passion leads to levels of compassion. apparantly your at the lower level right now.

also think about the kids.. how your breakup would affecct them. i mean sure, they could turn out fine, but what if they didn't? you'd have to live with that.

times change, man. nowadays us kids have way different priorities and morals than you did back then. being that i was born and raised here, but by strict asian parents, im glad to be one of the few to have retained .. uh the values.. but realize im not knockin everyone out there, nor am i sayin im superior, but based on all the shootings and drug usage, the youth are goin down the drain. eh now im ranting. you make the connection.. although i doubt there is one with your situation.

ok . lastly. she just got out of a relationship and shes probably rebounding. and by making a rash stereotype (sorry for ladies this doesnt apply to) if shes as hot as u say she is, then her nice act is probably a facade. i mean technically, nowadays if you've got the looks, that's about all you need. many very attractive ladies have been bitches period. and its all the more easier for them to bounce around from guy to guy. and im sure some are sick enough to get a power trip outta gettin a guy to divorce only to dump him a week later... be careful, man. all i gotta say.


I really don't know if it was helpful, but i tried. theres apparantly not an ounce of organization in the post, buthell, it was a rant. hope it helps.
good luck.

ivegotcandy

Well, we had a conversation about the way things were going. She admitted that it is weird that we hang around, and she thinks it's because she is attracted to me. I said alot of people think we are sleeping together and I mentioned that it might be wise to not hang around so much. She seemed to take it well. I can't tell though.
Thanks agian for your advice.

gonadman

Nice job candy...

__________________
For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel, looking, looking, ...breathlessly.
-Carlos Castaneda

ganon

i have been in your shoes. I am 36, and have had opportunity to hook up with a sweet thing, and at that same time was very emotionally estranged from my wife. I kept telling myself that i really only have one shot thru life, and that i better get it while the getting was good, because i had a right to be happy. then i watched a guy a work with divorce his wife of ten years because he wasn't happy, and he had taken up with a woman 10 yrs younger than him and thought he had a right to it. he had a 2 month old son and a ten yr old son at the time. He just felt he had to jump ship. It isn't all about happiness. I hung in there with my wife, put away the notions of getting some excitement and affirmation from another woman, and realized that i do only have one shot at getting it right, and looking thru my three kids point of view, that version wasn't running off to someone else. it just comes with too high of a price tag. Until i am completely clear with my wife, with her or divorced, I should involve no other woman. straighten out you life as much as you can, avoid the girl at work because it's making you look like a desperate thirtysomething perv to everyone else but you, and get your head together. get some counseling, it actually helps.

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308 holez

wow. a very difficult sitaution, and an amzing group of people responded to this guy's dilemna. Kudos to all of you for trying tho help this guy.

If you were single and 30, she might not be attracted to you. But married with 2 kids, it's easy for her to think of you as an easy kill. The worst she can end up is being alabeled a homewrecker. I;m sure your kids will think much worse if they think you left them for a younger woman. You explained it to us, but there's no way your children will ever think you left the family on your own. As far as they're concerned, miss tight stomach stole their dad. How will that affect their opinion of their mother? It will also force them to choose sides, since it will NOT be an amicable split if you tap that ass anytime during the breakup.

Youy found the one already. Find yourself again, and realize what you two share (besides two kids.) Forget any other woman. There is only one woman in your life.

Pardon the rant. I truly wish the best for you and your family, and please keep us advised.

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ivegotcandy

It's been going ok the last few days since we talked. I am really trying not to flirt or touch her in any way but it's real hard. I must keep away. I wish she wasn't so hot.

Vaultboy

Score one for the candyman. Just stay strong, dude. And while this might be too much on your plate at once, perhaps you should try to rekindle your relationship with your wife sooner rather than later. Who knows? it might take your time offa miss-tight-stomach. At the worst, you'll be releasing some sexual energy thats been building up at the office.

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NetterButter

candy, you are focusing WAAAY too much on the girl and not the real issue. your family.

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ratbastid

ivegotcandy: I'm NOT saying the following things for you. You should listen to everybody else's advice. Stop reading this message right now.

Everybody else: I just want to point out that the above sentiment is total bullshit. We all think this sort of thing, and it's complete crap. Communication that is open and honest and responsible actually FREES YOU UP to be however you are. The "If I talk about it I'll be screwed" is a one-way ticket to misery.

hunnychile

Maybe she just needs a nice Fuck buddy, which could be fun and not harmful if you can handle that. At any rate, take her for a drink and find out. Unless the whole boring kid raising thing can improve with your wife. better yet, tell your wife to put on a disguise and pretend to be a young hottie. That could save a lot of tears for y'all.

Life is a banquet and most suckers are starving - Just do something bold and soon.

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motdakasha

I advise:
-- Talking to her.
-- Not acting upon what you'd like to do (be with her in some other way than a friend).

1. You're married with children.
2. Age gaps *rarely* work.
3. Mid-life crisis type thing.
4. Don't mix business with pleasure.

1. She is probably on the lookout for a rebound whether she realizes it or not.
2. You are like the whole forbidden fruit kind of thing.
3. You've got experience.

If it's true that you don't want to fool around until things are settled with your wife, then tell her how you feel but why you won't do anything now. Ask for contact info or something. Then, once you figure out how you want to deal with your wife and children, and once she's no longer working with you, maybe consider doing something with her. Assuming she's truly interested in you. Basically, I think you should keep your home as a top priority, figure that stuff out first, then deal with your feelings for her afterward.

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neddy65

I've been on the recieving end of this scenario and from my experience, it hurts. You may not be happy with your wife and your life together and the situation at work with the "hot" girl can only highten your feelings of alienation from your wife, but as several people have already said, you have to deal with your home life before you can get on with the rest. If you feel you need to leave your wife, don't do it because of an attraction to someone else. Do it for the sake of your children and your wife( she can't be too happy either) and for yourself. If you are able to do this without leaping into a questionable relationship then the next relationship will be based on something other than desire or chance. From the sounds of things you married in error in the first place( you have nothing in common) and doing it again would only compound things. Leave your wife if you must and give yourself time to find happiness with someone just maybe not this particular someone.
A final thought: if you leave your wife for this girl and things do progress nicely and you end up together she will always remember that you left your wife for her and you could do it again.

Good Luck!

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hunnychile

Since I'm a married lady stuck in a dead-end marriage, perhaps you need to communicate with your wife and get into therapy. It can help but it can be quite intense. Do you know what you want? And marriage is sacred. Do you think this babe is worth loosing a family and her? Sometimes people grow away from one another and that's ok. But you are on the knife's edge and it will be painful which ever way you move. Are you ready to walk away or stand and fight for your wife and family? Good lucjk. We all have our Waterloos - don't we?

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Mehoni

REBOUND. Stick with your wife.

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hunnychile

Guys,
We have yet to hear exactly what the young lady has actually said to this lonely-sounding and seemingly deserate dude. As a lady, I know that men are motivated by the possibility of wild forbidden and even the remote possibility of new "strange" nookie sex yet he hasn't mentioned anything concrete from this tease. Poor guy. She could just be a "home wrecker" as some are for sport. Sad but possibly true.

What do'ya think?

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sigma1042

since this thread should be dead now
i guess this is just a warning thread for anyone else in this kinda situation
one thing kills this idea, don't ever think you can get a relationship with a girl in college thats working with you during a co-op/internship (he said she leaves work at the end of summer) if you're 30,
she'll be gone when she gets back to school with her friends
unless you're stinkin rich and you become a sugar daddy, then she wouldn't need to go back to school anyway, she could throw parties for 20 year olds at your mansion...
if you're not so lucky then deal with your wife, thats what they did 50 years ago, although you can't really hit her anymore...

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hunnychile

Guys (Hi to Sigma1042)
Yah...it's good to realize a man like you admits that a college girl really wouldn't want to commit to an older man esp. after she returns to school in the fall. When I was in college I only flirted with older guys to freak them out because I was a ball buster. This young lady sounds like she KNOwS that she's one, too. She does know. C'mon, how many of us married someone that much older and on the rebound. Sorry for this reality check. Let's go on to a more interesting subject - us older professional ladies with executive careers looking for fun and NO strings. Any one interested in a parlay? *smile*

hunnychile

It's All Good!

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macmanmike6100

I think you just have to try harder with your wife and refer to the "infatuation" thread (http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=26225).

Instead of permitting yourself to think about this girl as a potential hook-up (your thoughts are chosen, here), spend time with your wife. Rediscover those things that infatuated you when you first met her. Go on a trip together. Do something exciting.

Good luck, and be sure to let us know how it goes.