Rlyss

Hi everyone. My girlfriend of just under eight months has been acting very strangely lately. This post might go on a bit, sorry for that, but this is really getting me down.

We're both students and this past month, and the next week or two, have been busy for the both of us. She has exams, I have final essays to write. It's been very hectic for the both of us, but despite that I've noted that we've seen each other just as much, if not slightly more than usual. She's not so into her course as I am, so she isn't so motivated to study. I am though, and I've been studying a lot lately. I think this has a lot to do with things, but I'm not totally sure.

Last week she told me with a smile that she's gone past the 'lust' stage, and that she's not always wanting to jump me anymore. I'm not sure how to take that. She smiled, and then changed the subject and we kept going normally. This wasn't right before sex or anything, it was just in a normal conversation. I was shocked, to say the least.

For the past few days she's been sending me messages saying she feels strange, she feels odd, she's confused, maybe it's just stressed, she doesn't know how she feels. I though she meant she was pregnant and was all ready to comfort her, and we would work it out. Instead after totally changing tact and saying it's not a big deal, I wrestle it out of her, and she tells me that the past few times we've been together she just hasn't felt that 'spark', and that she's not sure why. She says she's puting it down to stress and that's it, but I felt so hurt, and suddenly almost repulsed by her. I felt like I was going to be sick, she said it so casually.

I let it go and forced myself to believe it was just beause of stress from exams etc.

But she's been acting more strange lately. If I don't have sex with her she complains that I don't love her, and if I do then she starts crying and thinks I only want her for sex. She'll hardly let me touch her but she'll grab my penis whenever she wants and yank it, or something, even if my family or friends are around. Yesterday I was telling her about how my grandmother's dog passed away, and then how she passed away soon afterwards, and how I was so sad when I was a little kid when it happened. As soon as I finished my story her words were: "Ooh, I've got a good one. A few years ago James and I were in the park and we saw two people having sex."

If I ever make plans for us she'll feel tired or sick and want to go home early. It happens every time, I can set my watch to it. If we're at a party or a bar she'll want to leave early. However I find out today that she's made plans for Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, her plans are big too. All-nighters.

The the other day she was worried at 9pm that her parents would kill her for being out on a night when she had an exam the next day, and that she was screwed for the exam, and she needed sleep so badly. So she went home, or so I thought. I got a message on my phone at 2.30am that said she was just coming back from Bob's (not his real name) and that she wished me a good night. I've never met Bob and I don't know who he is, and what she was doing there until 2.30am when she had an exam 6 hours later?

All this stuff has been bothering me so much. I'm 100% sure she's not cheating on me, I think she's dropping all these guys' names to make me jealous, but I don't like it. She got incredibly jealous when I had a beer and watched a DVD on my own after finishing a 2-week long major essay, and yet she'll go out to bars 3 nights in a row with other friends and not even tell me.

I don't know what to do. After she told me that the spark wasn't there, but she's sure it's just stress, I feel so ashamed to admit that I felt (and feel) a twinge of disgust. When I'm with her, part of me thinks 'I'm going to do everything I can do get that spark back for you!' and another part thinks 'Well, f--k you too.'

I'm really not sure what to do about this Sorry for the super long post, but I have so much on my mind

numist

I dont think I should be allowed to advise on this subject, but I think that its done for.

She may not be cheating, but if its a relationship for life that you are looking for, I think you should pursue interests elsewhere.

The only real reason to break up is if you aren't in love. All other valid reasons stem from this. If you don't see a future, or arent enjoying yourself anymore, the spark must be gone, and so is the love.

sexymama

The reality here is you can't change her or her behavior. You can only choose how you want to be treated. Is she worth this treatment and stress or not? Better, do you deserve it?

__________________
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

OFKU0

From what you've stated I'd say the relationship is toast. It may sting for a while but with what she has said to you, I would break up the relationship. The reason she hasn't is because she doesn't want to hurt you but if it goes on longer than she can take, she'll bail.

Tell her you want some time apart with no restrictions,..ie dating others. She will probably be relieved.

It's a cliche but there are lots of fish in the sea. Try a different flavor. You might like it more.

__________________
" In Canada, you can tell the most blatant lie in a calm voice, and people will believe you over someone who's a little passionate about the truth." David Warren, Western Standard.

Snakebyt

Sounds liek she has some things that she should talk to a professional about, sounds kinda like depression or somthing.. sorry to hear you are having a bad time

Johnny Rotten

Dude. She's got issues. Take it from me. I never give advice this direct, but what you've talked about cuts too close to the bone for me to be diplomatic and politely inquisitive: She is not one of the good ones, and may never be. Extract yourself, no matter how clingy or wierd she might get as a result, and thank me later. You deserve better and won't get what you're looking for from her. Let other peoples' bad experiences be your guide.

__________________
"The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

mojomasta

Like you and others said, it might just be stress. Stress can lead to depression, and depression can make people act very wierd.

Over all, the best thing to do would be to talk to her about it, tell her how YOU feel about it all. You cant just shutup and hope it will go away, it wont. I can relate to a few of the things happening to you, and I know how you feel. But dont stall on this. Tell her whats up. Have her fill you in. The MOST important part of a relationship is communication. If you two can get through this, it will only make you stronger. It might be over tho.

If I was in your situation, Id talk to her about it. You have to be strong about this, things can go from "strange" to "fucking horrible" within five minutes of conversation, but you need to accept that. Dont wait another week. Talk to her about it now, and ask her if she wants to stay with you. If she does, let her know your there for her, and help her, at least help her find help. Theres obviously something wrong somewhere, and the first step to fixing the problem is finding out what it is.

Good luck duder. I hope things will turn out fine.

__________________
Its the nexus of the crisis and the origin of storm.

mojomasta

Thats a load of horseshit. Maybe she`s just going thru a hard time. Its probably not even her fault. Of corse, maybe shes gone apeshit. Maybe she doesnt deserve him. But give her a chance. If you`ve ever experienced depression first hand, you`d understand that having someone "extract themselves" from you just because you`re going thru a tough time is one of the worst things that can happen. If anything she NEEDS support now. Especially if she was fine before.

Then again you might be right, she might be a psycho bitch. In that case:

1. Sever
2. Run the hell away
3.
4. profit

__________________
Its the nexus of the crisis and the origin of storm.

Johnny Rotten

People with these problems do not think like you and me. They are not like us. I cannot stress this enough. They are impulsive, secretive, and ultimately cold. He's dealing with damaged goods.

Let me quote what should be setting off the "get the fuck out of there" alarm bells:

"But she's been acting more strange lately. If I don't have sex with her she complains that I don't love her, and if I do then she starts crying and thinks I only want her for sex. She'll hardly let me touch her but she'll grab my penis whenever she wants and yank it, or something, even if my family or friends are around. Yesterday I was telling her about how my grandmother's dog passed away, and then how she passed away soon afterwards, and how I was so sad when I was a little kid when it happened. As soon as I finished my story her words were: "Ooh, I've got a good one. A few years ago James and I were in the park and we saw two people having sex."

You think she might be going through a phase.

But what's really happening is that you're just getting to know her better.

Rlyss

Thanks so much for your advice, everyone. Re-reading what I wrote, and seeing everyone else's responses, it's hard. I just read my opening post as if it was someone else's and my first thought was 'She has issues'. I made a post months ago about some issues we were having back then, and I stuck through it. But reading my post above I can see that there's been very little change. <a href="http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?s=&threadid=29503">The other post</a> was about a few of these same issues. And I had a <a href="http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?s=&threadid=25372">another one here</a> which I now read and think that the same issues were there back then, and I still tried to live with it.

I think that's the thing - she hasn't changed. She seems to be as clingy and dependent and has the same double standards as she did back then.

insidious_machinae

She sounds very much like she's cheating. Good luck man. I have been there.

jay-g

Hey Dorito I am sorry to hear that you are having problems with your girl. I just recently had kind of the same problem you are having. I was in love for the first time in my life and she meant the world to me. I loved her with all that I had in me. Everything was so good for like 4 months and in a instant she changed her views and ideas about us. She was confused and didnt know what she wanted. To make a long story short, I loved her so much that I stuck around to see what was in store for the future. We got back together in the end. If you really love this girl, you should tough it out while she figures out what she wants(even though you might be getting treated like shit). In the end, maybe you two will get back together and will be just the way you like it. Who knows maybe it will all end between you two. Just dont be quick to make a decsion, because you never know whats gonna happen between you and her. Finally, just go with your instinct and what your gut tells you.

Rlyss

Hi jay, thanks for your reply Glad your partner worked things out in the end. I hope everything's still great between you two!

I really want to go with my gut feeling here, but it changes at different times. 36 hours ago I knew I was in love with her, but after hearing her tell me that the 'lust' isn't there, and then a few days later that the 'spark' isn't there, I'm not sure how I feel. I know I loved her then, but her words really, really hurt me, and don't exactly fill me with enthusiasm and optimism.

One part of me says 'We all go through s--t sometimes, I'm here for her', the other half says 'We all go through s--t sometimes, but it doesn't mean I should be treated like this'.

I think Johnny Rotten, you might be spot on there. I don't know if people necessarily change as a relationship goes on, but I'll accept that you get to know someone's true colors after a while.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to her place and we'll have a talk. I'll start from the very basics - Do you still want to be with me? - and if she says yes then I'll work up from there and try to address some of the problems I talked about up there. I'm not going to be accusative here, I'm going to take the view that she's a bit confused and stressed, and I'm there to make things better for the <i>both</i> of us, not just to complain that I'm being treated unfairly.

Wish me luck

jay-g

I wish you luck Dorito and whatever happens stay strong. I hope everything works out.

diddagirl

Hey Doritio- I am the girl that jay-g mentioned above. One day, I too began acting like your girl, and acted different with jay-g and felt as though my feelings werent as strong, and that somehow things between us had changed. I was suddenly so confused, and I tried to push him away...but I can honestly say that the way he dealt with it, is the reason we are still together. He was very supportive and tried to figure out exactly how I was feeling (like you plan to ask your girl). Although it was hard to answer some of the things because I was so unsure myself..it did help us both. I really dont know your girlfriends intents, and I will not try and justify her behavior as "normal" or "fair" but I will say that it has happened to others, and people do get confused. Perhaps in your case she wants to, or will be moving on. All's I can advise you would be to possibly sit her down and ask her exactly how she feels (as you mentioned you would) and then maybe give her some space to figure her thoughts out. I wish you the best of luck....and I sincerely hope everything works out for the two of you.

__________________
"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

analog

Damn dude. She's psycho. More importantly, there's no love. With this type of behavior, you can't look to the future and honestly think good things can come of it. Break it off- you're not married, you've only been with her for under 8 months! Move on, get your studying done, and find a girl who doesn't have massive problems. Good luck.

mistered

My gosh this sounds familiar ... I think I dated her for about two years.

You care about her. Try talking to her. But I tend to think she's a tad psycho, and this is probably not the person you want to be with for the long term.

Poyzun_Ivy

The reason you should be with someone is if they make you happy. From what I get from the descriptions, she's a b1tc#... but hey.

In a relationship, you always need to weigh the good things against the bad things. Maybe not in this one, but in future ones. There should always be more things about the person you're with that make you happy than upset you. When that's true, it's much easier to sit back and deal with the 'bad' things so that they don't really bother you anymore. Yay love. ^_^

-+ Ivy +-

__________________
She's pretty as a daisy
But look out man she's crazy
She'll really do you in
If you let her get under your skin

Meta

She's cheating on you, dude. I dated a girl for two years and during the last few months it was just like this. Drop her ass like a stone and find someone worth your time and affection.

__________________
There's room for all God's creatures.
Right next to the mashed potatoes.

vveronica

Okay, if it sounds wierd, looks strange, and is out of character she is prolly cheating on you. But, She clearly has other issues you dont need to deal with.... move on..

__________________
...We find ourselves in a struggle for our very right to exsist... We will not go quietly into the night... We will not give up without a fight...

Rlyss

I don't think she's cheating on me, but I don't quite know why I think that. She knows exactly how much I despise cheating, but I guess when you tell someone that you set yourself up: since they know how much you hate it, do they not do it? Or do they just not tell you?

Anyway, I had a talk with her last night instead of this morning. I couldn't wait. We talked about a lot of things and mostly worked it out, and I admit I was caught up in the moment and probably gave in too easily. It was a pretty heated argument, and two more things she said which I'm thinking about now, and they only seem to reinforce everyone's notion of her as a psycho:

- She said she relies on friends and me to make her happy
- She said she hated that I wasn't possessive and wasn't jealous of her male friends

When she said it I was shocked, but now that I've had time to think about it, I'm really sad. We departed on a good note last night and decided we had worked it out, but now I'm having second thoughts. She knows I'm a fairly solitary person, and I can't seem to find a way to say that I don't "need" her to live without it sounding incredibly mean.

Some people here have said she has attachment issues, I think I've tried to deny it all along, but I don't think I can do that anymore. If she relies and is totally dependent on me for happiness, can't get through a few weeks of stress from studying, is insulted that I don't get jealous and that I'm not possessive, and brings up my ex-girlfriend in the argument and said maybe she wasn't in the wrong after all (she cheated on me twice), then I think things just aren't meant to be.

rockzilla

She cheated on you twice!?!?! And she's purposely hanging out with guys to make you jealous?!?!?

Get out of there fast. If she can't rely on herself to make herself happy, you'll never be able to do the job.

nirol

I am sorry to hear of your predicament Dorito.
We are all responsible for our own happiness, you can't "make her happy", and it sures seems that she isn't helping your happiness either.
If you don't feel good about a relationship, how do you think you can retrieve what you two used to have. It was good of her to let you know that, as BB King says. "The Thrill is Gone". This brutal honesty is not going to get back in the box, you will always wonder. If she has "issues", she has to work those out herself, you can help, if you are strong enough. You shouldn't retard this process of hers with the relationship.
My advice ( and worth what you are paying for it):

Kick her to the curb.

Sorry

__________________
'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

ally

Sounds like she either wants it over or wants you to drop everything and and be the way you used to be. sit her down and talk to her so you can figure it out and not stress anymore

Rlyss

rockzilla - sorry, I worded that a bit wrong. I meant my ex-girlfriend cheated on me twice and was suffocatingly possessive and jealous of everything I did. Yet she still had sex a number of times with her ex-boyfriend while she was with me. My current girlfriend knows she did this. During out argument my current girlfriend said that maybe my ex-girlfriend (the one who cheated) wasn't so bad after all. I'm kicking myself for not leaving her then and there, last night.

I'm so scared to go back to her and break it off. Last night we patched things up but now I'm having second thoughts. I can't imagine a future without her, but I also can't imagine a future with her acting the way she does. This just isn't a situation we can win.

Next time I see her I'm going to tell her that if she can't make herself happy, then I have no hope, and that we've run our course.

Thanks everyone for your help, I appreciate this so much.

Mettler

Issues suck man, no matter what you say or do, girls are incapable of being honest and just acting normal about anything !!! >_<

takrupp

Hey man,
At the very least you two should take some time off. Maybe after all your work is done, you and the guys should go out and maybe talk a little bit, get some support from your friends. I was in a great relationship once that just turned cold after about a year: she changed, I changed and we stuck through it for 3 more agonizing months until we decided it was over. The silver lining is, about 6 months later we were best friends (honestly!) and still are. I'm not sure if that same thing would happen to you, but there are definitely more girls out there man, you're young and you shouldn't be tied down in a bad situation. I know in the future, whenever I see those signs again (similar to yours), it will be a tough decision made in about 30 seconds. Its not pretty, but sometimes its just over; you know its over, but it sometimes takes awhile to KNOW its over.
Trent

Smoey

Excuse Me-here comes my .02 cents worth- the best thing that I can recommend is SPACE-shut her down-let her see how it feels without you in the picture, maybe it will wake her up. One more thing that I would tell her, the events that are going to take place in your life are going to happen whether she is in your life or not. College is a difficult time for everybody, let her find herself.

cas305

RUN!

skysooner

Sometimes the timing of a relationship is off, and you can't connect at a particular time and place (due to maturity, etc.). I went through two major relationships that destroyed me when they broke up. However, there were issues in each that would have caused problems with the future. When I met my wife and got to know her over a few dates, I knew I had found the one. It wasn't one thing, it was the total package. It was how our outlooks on life meshed, and our view of the husband-wife relationship. I think that if you are unsure about it now, it is best to take some time off or not be exclusive. Maybe she is the right one but not at this time. It sounds like she has some growing up to do.

skinbag

I married a woman with depression after she got pregnant.(And your girl sounds worse off..) We're working through episodes of depression every 3 or 4 months. (we've been married for 6 years now) I love her, but would never recommend it to anyone else. We're together for our child's sake. Don't make the same mistake. While you are trying to work this out you could be trapped into a very difficult, painful life.
I agree with Johnny rotten from experience, not just opinion. Would you stay with this girl if she were an alcoholic? That's about what you're in for.

james t kirk

Oh man, shades of my girl friend in university. I totally have experienced everything you just mentioned and a hell of a lot more. The other posters here are quite correct, it's called depression, and in my ex's case schizophrenia. (No, schizophrenia is not multiple personalities, it's best described as delusional.)

I was there man, i was there. Everything you said, i went through. I won't bore you with my stories, but i have 3 years worth of them.

My problem was that i loved her more than life itself and did all the Phil Donahue stuff. It was always one stress or another with her, school, work, exams, friends, blah blah blah.

Ask yourself if you are reacting the same way as she is since you are obviously in school too and most likely suffering the same kind of exam stress.

The best advice is given by cas305 - RUN.

In fact, I will add to that, RUN LIKE HELL. I can't stress that enough.

blockmaan2000

Ok, in my book.... she cheated on you and is now wierding out....


simple... HIT IT and RUN, RUN, RUN away....



block

Seaver

Well dude, this sounds like something that happened to me 2 years ago... almost exactly.

This is hard to tell you because like you I accepted for a while what she told me. She didnt say the exact things, just said her sex drive was starting to fade. This was weird because one week she'd come over and we'd be at it like rabbits and other times she wouldnt let me even hug her (let alone kiss). As the weeks went on she'd retract more and more and by the end of the 2nd week she wouldnt even let me touch her. I believed her and tallied it up to her change of birthcontrol pills like she had told me.

3 weeks later I found out she had been with 4 guys in that timespan. When I confronted her about it she blamed me because I wouldnt end the relationship when she tried to sex-starve me out. Trust me, your woman may not be as bad but she is Psycho as well.

When a woman tells you something about her sex drive lessening its BS. Unless their pregnant (or the 6 months after) this is total crock, not having a sex drive is VERY different than not having a sex drive with you. And immature girls dont understand this.

No, I'm not resentful of women out there... I'm resentful of women who play games and lie.

Tenaglia

take that post, write it in a letter and send it to you gf.

If she's trying to send a message my guess is:
1) i want attention
2) Break up with me so I don't have to feel guilty

sorry m8

__________________
respect to the man in the ice cream van

Shades

You're still in college, so you're probably still young (20s). I am too (24). Here's my advice, having been there once: get out. Pull the trigger on this relationship and go. Do not look back. Do not return her calls, don't respond to her emails, don't talk to her in person. Once she's out of your system, you'll look back and be ashamed of yourself.

EDIT: And she is 95% definitely cheating on you.

Rubyee

Sometimes, people do get past the lust stage, and that is nothing to feel bad about. But, that doesn't make most people act the way she is acting.

It sounds, to me, like she is not ready for the type of long term relationship that you are ready for, and she is trying to show you. She may feel smothered. I know, because I have felt this way before, and acted almost the same. I wish I hadn't now that I look back on it. I think that she loves you, but can't be as serious as you are.

I could be wrong, though. All you can do is confront her. If you want to salvage the relationship, you have to change things. If she is not willing to change them, then sorry. Leave her.

__________________
You don't know from fun.

Peetster

Only you are responsible for your own happiness. She needs to stop blaming others for the way she feels. Perhaps she'll learn in a few years, perhaps not. Either way, there is nothing for you there now. Wish her well, and shove off.

Plan9Senior

You're in college and don't need to waste time with girls that make you read into them this much. Dump the chick and have a lil fun .

wry1

Rubyee has a point: once past the "lust" stage, things do change...and it's not to the degree that your girlfriend is claiming.

So this means one of a few things....

1) She is incapable of being happy on her own, but also (by default) of being on her own; she wants the attention she believes will return things to where the "spark" was, so she is badgering you in a way she thinks will work.

2) She's a flake. The air pressure between her ears has dropped to dangerously low levels, and now you're seeing the results.

3) She wants out of the relationship, but doesn't want to be seen as the "bad guy"...so she's trying to get you to be the one who calls it quits.

4) She does know a guy named Bob, has been unfaithful, and the guilt and conflicting feelings/emotions are tearing at her. So she takes it out on you.

No matter what the situation, there are serious maturity issues which she needs to address. As with the vast majority of the replies to your initial question, I agree that you really need to let this ugly mess go.

What the others didn't say (but I will) is that when you break it off, you need to spell out why you're ending it: that you cannot be in a relationship which is so one-sided, that you cannot be expected to "make her happy" as ultimately it is something only she can do for herself, and that her behavior has been wholly unacceptable.

I understand why you'd cave quite quickly in your last posted conversation with her: nobody wants to be emotionally alone, even for a little while. But if you take a good look at the current state of your relationship, you'll see that you're already there in everything but physical location with this girl. Remember that relationships are about giving, but that the giving is by both partners toward a greater whole; sometimes one gives more than the other, sometimes things change and the opposite is true. Either way, both are still giving of themselves.

She is not. She's just taking. From you, from her friends...and this is the true core of her discontent. Those who take (like she is) realize, somewhere deep inside, that their behavior is unacceptable, and this is what contributes to their change in attitude toward those they are taking from. If you can somehow dehumanize a person, or lessen the impact of the situation, then there isn't as much guilt from the continued draining from your victims.

It's much easier to do that than it is to change one's ways.

So kick her to the curb. Go out with your friends once the semester is over, and find someone that you can build a future with.