rufgti

Let me start with some background. People here are relatively well grounded and I'm curious what you folks think.

It started a couple of years ago when I met this stripper at a downtown club. She was very nice but I never gave it too much creedence since strippers were just in it for the money--I knew that they didn't really like you.

In any event, she was awesome to speak to and I visited her occassionally for a couple of weeks. And I was always the perfect gent. What ended up happening was I started liking her and I found out later that she felt the same way.

We started dating and everything was great--the sex, the discussions, the being together. After a while, we moved in together and I could not be happier.

Sooner than later, I started feeling uncomfortable with her job. And I told her so. She decided to quit and take up a waitressing job at her club. The reason she did this was that I would be helping out with the bills and such. I had a cool job that was making money--sales--but I had hit a low cycle and I was not doing so well. Money, of course, became tighter and she was basically covering the both of us. I had been trying for 6 months to get a better job and I finally found one that I know I'll do really well in.

The sad part is that she is now tired of waiting. She told me that she was going back to stripping. She knows how I feel about it but she needs the money for her savings so that she can feel secure once she can't dance anymore. She has family that she must take care of too (she is eastern european).

She said that the money will also go to helping her start her own small biz. She is not expecting to be a millionaire or anything (her education is highschool equivalent). She just wants to be able to get by.

She said that she was tired of listening to my promises and not seeing anything realized. I completely understand where she is coming from. I feel I gave her the confidence that WE will build a life together, but she no longer has that faith. I know that I am to blame for her decision and I am no longer going to try and persuade her to do otherwise. I am very confident that I will do well in this new job--I had done something similar in the past with very good success.

My problem is that I am not sure I could live with the fact that she is dancing again. None of my friends knows what she used to do and if they see her, I dont know what I would say or do.

Maybe I am being pedestrian about this. Honestly, Im debating leaving once I've paid back what I feel I owe her. I would really like to know what your folks think.

phredgreen

it may seem a little trite, but you can take the girl off the stage, but you can never get the stage out of the girl. most girls who enjoy dancing also enjoy the attention that it provides to them. my first marriage was destroyed because my wife wasn't happy with what i was giving her so she went behind my back and did some awful things to get more attention.

now understand this. you two aren't married, but you're living together. if you ever swapped rings, it's more than likely you'll go through the whole motion, including all the vows. now they may seem a little forced and cold, but if you look behind the meaning, you'll see that they're there to promise your loved one that you'll be there, no matter what. "for richer or poorer" - that means that you guys may fall on lean times like you have been, but you still need to be there and be supportive of the other.

it seems like, from what you've conveyed, that she's done little more than put up with your period of "for poorer" - she rode through it, but it dosen't seem like she's being overly supportive of your problems. the fact that she's taking back to the stage instead of finding mnore conventional means of employment shows that she's not read to let go of the attention she once had... she lived a pretty high life as a stripper, and now that she's gotten a look at the more domestic, mundane life, she's decided she's not ready to settle down to that anymore.

you may be better off just letting this one go, or you may want to reassess your priorities; whether or not your hang up on her dancing is a problem that you need to deal with or not. think about your wants and needs and the wants and needs that she's expressed and figure out whether staying together is going to be good for both of you. if you don't see it being mutually beneficial, break it off while you are still on decent terms with her.

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empu

It sounds like she never really left that world. I can't blame her for going back to the $$$ given the situation as you've described it.

I think you need to focus on getting your own financial situation in order. A stable, healthful relationship starts with a stable, heathy you.

rufgti

Wow, thanks. One thing that I want to clarify is that she is not really looking at stripping as a means for attention. It is just a job to her. She reminded me a while ago that she is not happy with being a stripper but it is the only thing she is able to do. She will be sent back to her country eventually and she wants money to survive there. The plan was that I would go get her when the time comes.

We were very much in love. I still care a great deal for her. My thinking, though, is that if she loved me as much as I do her, then she would address my feelings regarding her return as something that is very important to me.

IF she goes back, I dont know whether I will get her when she returns. I will continue to support her until my sense of debt is realized.

I am very confused about next steps from me.

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Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....

rufgti

Agreed and that is my prime focus for myself. I am very happy that I have landed a new opportunity where I can fix my financial life. Whether she is there or not after, I dont know. I would hate to lose her...but.

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Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....

FallenAvatar

Strippers come with problems. You need to figure out what she means to you. You need to figure out why she dances, is it for the money or does she like the attention. Is this attention something you can give her or does she just need to strip to get it? Why does the stripping bother you. Is it because she's taking her clothes off for other guys or is she going farther then that.

I would be uneasy if my SO was a stripper. I think I'd be cool with it if I knew she was only tantalizing the men rather then giving them a more personal show.

Staying with her is your choice, but you need to know her and yourself before you can change people., and also realize that changing someone is really a hard thing to do.

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MooseMan3000

In my opinion, what it comes down to is a matter of trust.

If you believe her when she says that stripping for her is only a job, then I see no problem with her doing it. True, she is getting naked in front of other men, so you are understandably uncomfortable with that. However, if she really is doing it only for the money (out of necessity and a feeling of responsibility for her family), then you should be understanding of that fact.

If you don't trust her in that matter, then there are some fundamental relationship issues that need to be worked out.



Point number 2:

If she really IS unhappy with stripping, then why did she go back to doing it? You mentioned that she felt like she couldn't do anything else; that's simply not true, unless for legal reasons she can't get other jobs. Even if she is, for some reason, unable to obtain "ordinary" employment, she can do other things, like cleaning houses or being a nanny.


It sounds to me like she feels trapped by her situation, and she wants help. If you really believe that stripping makes her feel unhappy, then why not help her to get happy? Just make sure you know the absolute truth before you get too involved, or you will end up getting hurt.


Verdict:

You really just need to talk about this. It sounds like you two are pretty happy together, but for one reason or another, the stripping is dragging you both down. You should figure out why that is and try to do something about it. Good luck.

rufgti

Thanks folks...I appreciate the open comments.

To clarify, she is doing it just for the money not the attention. She is a refugee case and her status does not allow her too many options. Her English is passable but she does have a strong accent.

We had just discussed looking at other job options and I know that if given a chance, she would take it. Unfortunately, there is not much in this regard.

The situation is clear. She will strip to make money and having the security of whatever she saves (which she is good at) will make her happy.

The only way I can make her happy is to get my financial situation organized so that I can help her and help us get what we really want--a small house in Australia and a small biz to bring food to the table.

I wish that I had gotten my situation set up a long time ago and I know that I am making the bed I sleep in. It does not change the fact that it is killing me...but what else can I do? I really care about this girl but if for the rest of my life I have to look behind my shoulder wondering if she will dance again is not something I look forward to.

There are no assurances in life--she and I could be doing well now, and regardless of how prepared we are, this situation could come up again.

Like I said, I am really unsure how I should proceed.

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Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....

ratbastid

Wellll... A reality check might be in order about that....

As she well knows (you said so yourself) there's a fairly low age limit when it comes to stripping. It's not a life-long career choice. Show me a stripper older than about 35 and I'll show you a woman who's not making what she used to.

It's also not really fair to say "you could do anything else--like cleaning houses or being a nanny". There's simply no comparison in terms of dollars per hour. Strippers make WAY more than most other workers.

When it comes right down to it, your concern is to take care of her, right? Because you love her. She needs financial security. If you can't provide that to her, you should swallow your pride and let her do the thing that will get that for her.

Hopefully you'll flourish in your new position and the whole issue will go away. And you can keep her at home and feed her bonbons, the way she deseves, right?

Smoey

everybody has posted great comments, but what attracted you to her in the first place? Remeber that connection and ask her if she feels the same way, and keep in mind that even the trees in the forest give each other space to grow next to each other, give her space and let her miss you, take care of your self.

Peetster

No. She says she is in it for the money, not the attention. I don't think you can see into her heart. Phred makes some excellent points. I suggest you reread them with an open mind.

Sapper

The reason she is so apt to go back to stripping is because the money is _EASY_. If she REALLY valued your feelings, she would find another form of work which pays the same as she would earn through stripping ... but we all know what that will mean - actual work.

Sorry man ... you have to talk with her. Perhaps mention what I have already said to see what her feelings are ...

Often, a quick buck is a dirty buck.

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irseg

Yeah, just like every single stripper I've ever spoken to. They all say "I'm not like all the other strippers, I'm different because I want to use the money to (go to college/save it up/feed starving orphans/other noble cause). It's nothing more than a regular job to me, I'm totally normal." I have yet to meet one who wasn't nuts in one way or another.

Regardless of the money, anyone who makes the choice to dance around naked in front of strangers for a living has issues. There are plenty of ways to make similar or better money. Yeah they're harder, but they aren't extremely degrading either.

Poyzun_Ivy

Nooo way. I want you to find a girl a job that can pay upto $550 a night in tips... I have at least four friends that are putting themselves through college, AND getting new cars, AND paying insurance, AND so on and so forth... all on a stipper's pay. I say they should donate some money to *ME*, I'll get my body fixed up, and *I'LL* go become a stripper.

-+ Ivy +-

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rufgti

I have and that is one avenue that I am considering.


Given her situation--refugee status (revoked--will be sent back to her country likely within 6mnts), highschool equivalent education, work exp-dancing and waiting on tables, boyfriend sapping her resources--what job would you recommend she try for similar or close to similar money?

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Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....

motdakasha

Okay, to be honest, I'm downright appalled with the stereotyping that's going on.
All strippers come with problems? EVERYBODY comes with their own personal luggage.
All strippers do it for attention and not money? Bullshit.

Anyways, if this is the only thing she's comfortable with doing for work, and she's got a deadline to meet (before she leaves), then you're suffocating her. If you can't handle the fact that she strips and your friends might find out, then you're not mature enough for her anyway.

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rufgti

Agreed on the first paragraph...she is really a very nice person and the money she makes does go to her family and her future--she saves what she can and does not buy expensive cars or whatever. In fact, she doesn't even have any expensive things.

On the second part, OUCH....but true. I definitely do not want to be holding her back or suffocating her. I do know that I am the one she comes home to and the one she has sex with, etc. I guess I am adolescent in feeling the way I do, but Im adult enough to admit what I feel--regardless of repurcussions.

That being said, I know now that most of what I have to deal with is me--how I feel, what I think. Everything has been said between my gf and I. Now comes the hard part.

In all honesty, I had a future lined up with this girl. Marriage, the house, the dog, the whole bit. One major issue I have to consider, too, is the "for better or for worse" part. She and I have gone through the "for worse" and this situation is the end result. I understand enough to know that there will be more "for worse's" as time goes by. A couple must deal with it. If this is how it will be dealt with, then I have strong reservations about the "forever" part of my plan.

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Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....

irseg

Not mature enough for someone who thinks a legitimate career involves taking all her clothes off and shaking her tits so ugly middle aged guys can stick dollar bills in her G-string?

rufgti- She's not going to make the same money right away. But she can get into something that will lead to a real career, unlike stripping. And that's something she can be proud of, again, unlike stripping. I'd rather be poor and have my dignity than get rich by degrading myself, and I'm pretty goddamn greedy. You can also help by getting on your own two feet ASAP and supporting her rather than vice versa.

motdakasha

Here is why your post pisses me off: Your mentality that all stripping is indignified, degrading, and bad.

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Just Google It.
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(I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

rufgti

Yep, Im working on that. But my reasons have changed. I will be getting back on my feet for me. I cant help anyone if I cant help myself, ya?

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Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....

rufgti

Okay, here's an update.

She went and got her license renewed to dance (it has to be done each year) today. She left for work and will be meeting her friend at this club on the west end of the city.

Right now, Im not sure how Im feeling, but Im alone at home and Ive been going through Heineken's like an idiot. Im sure I'll call myself an idiot in the morning...

Anyway, being alone and slightly sloshed is not good so I think I might step out for a walk. It is nice and cool outside and I think the air might help me out.

To all the folks who have posted with some of the best advice I have ever seen on a board, thank you. Your candor and support is very much appreciated.

I think its time to think more about me now and decide what I should do. In hindsite, this is all very silly. I recall speaking with a number of people telling me horror stories about dating, living or marrying strippers.

Im not saying that my situation is similar since I consider it quite unique, but man, this is hard. I never thought Id ever feel like this, but hey, live and learn...

Sapper

Find a new woman.

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irseg

I didn't always think that way...then I met a bunch of strippers.

rufgti

Actually, I think that MOST stripping is undignified, degrading and bad. I just thought that she was different--and she was for the most part.

Strippers on the whole call themselves dancers but in reality, there is not much dancing involved. There is a lot of stripping and grinding of private parts.

Like I said, earlier, live and learn. I had faith that things would work out so that she (who also says that she does not like stripping) and I could have a life together. I would sooner forget what she used to do.

But because she went back, I seriously question whether I would want to experience this again. I know that should she and I live together for the rest of our lives, we will encounter many other dips in our relationship. And I would rather not see this happening again.

I had promised to take care of her and I will. She had promised to never strip again, but she has. You do the math.

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Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....

blockmaan2000

Let me give you a bit of advice... think about it this way.....


Do you remember that kid you got in a fight with in grade school?

Do you remember the name of the first girl you ever had sex with?

Do you remember what you had for breakfast the morning of 9/11/01?


Now,.... do you think you'll ever forget what she did for a living?


Didn't think so...


It certainly seems like it's a big deal to you. So, not to be rude, but, get over it, or get over her. It'll be the healthiest thing you've ever done.


been there, did that (girl like her) got over it.


block

rufgti

I believe that I'll be out as soon as I find a place (we live together). I've been reading some threads re: breakups and I think I'll spare her the agony of a soft breakup and go with the band-aid method.

As a footnote to the whole thing, she told me last nite that she would strip until she's made $XX,XXX.XX then she'll stop and start a small business. Personally, I don't believe her since she promised me the first time that she would stop for good--which is obviously untrue. I think that as soon as we come to the next inevitable financial hiccup, she will likely strip again.

Thanks all for your replies. It has made sense of stuff that I was not totally clear with.

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Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....

mtsgsd

Just had to add my .02. I don't think that anyone has pointed this out yet, so:

I think it's important to remember that you are not married. Therefore she has to look out for herself and her interests first. The relationship is an investment that requires a certain amount of trust and risk, but that risk has to be managed.

Perhaps she's not seeing much hope of the relationship working out or becoming marriage? Or perhaps she doesn't feel that a marriage or relationship with you will produce the security she's looking for?

BonesCPA

What type of business will she be able to open/start if she has to leave in six months? If her plan is to come back and then start things up, she may still need some money beyond her goal (you did mention she wanted to help her family.) She might not stop stripping.
Well said.

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Back into hibernation.

rufgti

:/ I think that's why I said I decided to let the relationship go and move on....

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Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....