Bad_In_Public

First off, I'm 44 and my wife is 50 and we have a son (my stepson) who will be moving out soon. We will have been married 13 years come Dec. I love my wife dearly and don't want to split up or anything, YET. My wife is a nurse of 34 years and is set in her ways, so to speak. She works the evening shift, 3-11, and doesn't want to change shifts. That used to be ok when I was on the swing shift for a number of years, we had the week I worked evenings, her days off, and mine, to spend together. Now I have a new job working days. I had been out of work for 10 months, which I now find she is bitter about. Job market is really bad here, more layoffs than jobs to be had.

The real problem is our sex life. Twice a month if lucky. It has been dwindling for a while now. She blames it on menopause although she has only had 2 periods once in a month. She has never missed a period. She still responds sexually when the rare sex comes along. But has no sex drive at all. In our years together we have been pretty wild. Dildos, 3-ways, 4-ways, pictures and even made a vid once (she has since destroyed). So sex, for the most part, has been great. These days she makes excuses for not having sex. She is captain of an internet card team, and would rather play with people she has never met. Example:
Me: Hey babe, you want to fool around?
Her: Such and such said he/she wants a game, and I told him/her I'd play.
Me: fuck it (walks off in disgust)

I know this is as much a rant as wanting advise, but thats the only way I can come across. How can I get my wife to want sex again? Also, now that we will finally have the house alone for the first time in our lives, how can I convence her to take a day shift? I would like to have the "normal" life of two people working day jobs so we can have friends again. We have had two arguements in the past four days about sex/jobs. I went so far as to say we will sleep in separate rooms and live separate lives, don't ask don't tell policy (she hardly ever sleeps with me, doesn't want to wake me before I go to work). There have been times when I'd get up at 5am and she'd still be up playing cards online, and drunk to boot. No knock on the drinking, we both like our beer and probably drink too much.

All in all, I'd like to feel wanted again. I'm affectionate towards her, always touching her when I walk by, telling her I Love Her and all that. But I don't get much of a return from her. This is making me crazy. I thought I was hooking up with the right person for life, and now I'm wondering if I'll make it till our aniversary. Also, from any of you ladies who are menopausal let me know if there is anything medically we can do to improve her sex drive.

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nextlevel1

Dude! Im not as old as you but your time situation kind of sounds like my life! My wife is a full time nurse but she works the regular 8-5 shift (day shift) and im the one that works the different shift work. Me and my wife do not have any kids but we do have the "time for sex" problem also.

Usually shes tired from work and she just wants to rest but i can tell you when we have days off togther we try our best to make time for each other. My advise would be to try to plan some sort of weekend getaway even if its just down the road to some motel. get plenty of brandy, wine, music and oil and get to pampering her & if that dont work , being she likes card games invite her to a nice game of strip poker!! good luck!

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motdakasha

Want to know the first thing I noticed about your rant? Lack of compromise and patience.
a) cussing and walking off in disgust is hardly an appropriate or encouraging way to deal with a situation. why don't you try giving a little to get a little? make a deal with her, everytime you play a card game with her, she will have sex with you. or, even better, everytime you win a card game, you get to have sex. if that doesn't work, try taking her someplace away from the computer. tell her straight out that you feel the computer is more important to her than you are, or whatever it is you're feeling. say what you feel, but without an air of accusation or insult.
b) menopause is not easy for women. i've seen my best friend's mother undergo it and it was pure hell (apparently pretty common). so if this is the only major side effect she's having, FEEL LUCKY. menopause is highly documented online. there are plenty of links with ways of increasing sex drive for women undergoing menopause. google for "menopause." Results 1 - 100 of about 1,850,000. Search took 0.37 seconds. it's not hard, dude.

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uptown

As a person who's worked in hospitals for years on swing or night shifts and who's recently switched to days.I can tell you that it isn't easy.My sleep cycle still isn't adjusted and while day shift passes quickly I find I really miss the no bullshit,easy,friendly company of the evening shift crew.Yet,because I'm in a relationship with a dude who's a day shifter I'm willing to at least try it for a year.I do enjoy having more time together and really like preparing dinner and eating with him like normal people.

As far as menopause goes,I'm close to your wife in age and haven't started yet,I find zero problem with my sex drive.Perhaps you might want to try an approach that's a tad more romantic than "wanna fool around?"

ratbastid

You need to have a straight, honest conversation with her. THIS is what you need to say:

I've been there. My wife recently lost her younger brother in an accident. For some time since then I've been fighting this same battle with myself--she's grieving, she's mourning, sex is the LAST thing on her mind. But in my head, it's a rejection of me as her husband and sex partner. I don't feel wanted or needed or attractive or blah-baddy-blah-blah-blah.

Fact is, it's not any of that mess I'm telling myself. What's going on is, she frequently has her attention on something else, something she NEEDS to have her attention on. It's just selfishness on my part that it looks like something other than that to me.

If you're interested in having this thing go differently, you need to talk straight with her about how you're feeling AND you need to be responsible that it's YOU feeling that way. It may have very little to do with reality. It's real for you, though, and that's what you need to get out in the open. You dig?

If this isn't clear or doesn't make sense, say so and I'll clarify.

lurkette

Have you discussed this with her? Found out what she thinks is lacking? When you've tried and done as much stuff as you guys have, it might be hard to try new stuff to inject some passion into the relationship. Perhaps, as some people have suggested, injecting some emotional passion into the relationship is required. I don't know much about menopause, but I do know that hormones can seriously fuck up your libido. Not to mention the psychological aspect, for some women, of a clear sign of aging that can make you feel totally undesirable. Just from this little peek into your lives, it doesn't sound like she's the wilting violet, performance anxiety type, but it could be that she's a bit nervous about how you'll perceive her now that she's not "fertile" any more, or about how sex will be with this change.

It sounds a little, though, like in addition to getting laid you also want some emotional intimacy - the part about "feeling wanted."

As usual, my suggestion is to talk to her about it, openly, putting all your cards on the table, and see what she needs.

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sbscout

I'm not sure that asking her to give up her job of umpteen years (and moving to the day shift, with different people, no friends, different hours, etc. IS giving up her job!) will do anything more than make your situation worse.

I know my wife needs romance, not just "wanna fool around" to even get into thinking about getting in the mood. This need has grown over the 21 years we've been married. I have two choices: whine and shuffle off to "take care of things" myself or spend a little time being creative and pursue her.

You take care of her, she'll take care of you. Trust me.

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Bad_In_Public

This was a paraphrase folks.

I've tried to be the romantic, candle light bubble baths, an overnight stay in a hotel (which never happened, another long story) etc. I would like a positive responce once in a while, you know?? Lack of intimacy is the bottom line.

As far as her job goes, she hasn't been at her present job for a year yet. I didn't mean to infer that she'd been at the same job all these years. The turnover rate at these nursing homes is unbelievable, so it's not the "new job" feel if she was to take a day position.

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raeanna74

BTW menopause doesn't always begin with a lack of periods or even much change in periods. Your hormones begin fluctuating long before that. I'm 29 and the Dr's are working with me with Hormone therapy. I haven't had a normal period for 3 years. It's not menopause but there are other reasons for hormone fluctuations and problems. Putting pressure on her for sex is the last thing you want to do. I've been through this and it just turns me off. Sometimes I just need time to myself. The thing with the computer disturbs me a little bit. I know from personal experience tha depression can cause a person to retreat to the computer, stay up all night, affects your libido, and excessive drinking. I'm not trying to diagnose things but I would say that you should talk about how she's feeling, if she's feeling depressed and such. Even just a change in hormones can affect how chemicals are absorbed or produced in the brain and can cause depression (Everyone knows about PMS).

Maybe a visit to the Dr would be helpful. He can best tell you how to help her get her sex drive back and explain what she's going through and he can give her answers to the problems she's dealing with. If she is going through menopause then a visit to the Dr is a much needed thing.

Like ratbastid said - Talk about your feelings. Say things such as - "When you don't feel like having sex I know it may have nothing to do with me but it makes me FEEL like you don't need or love me." Using words "I FEEL like..." makes the discussion less of an attack on her actions and more a communication of how you feel about things. She won't feel attacked and may understand better what is going through your mind.

As for the job thing. Take one thing at a time. Help her feel better about herself, communication how you are feeling, get her to visit a Dr to help with menopause/sexdrive/ possible depression and then when those things have settled down see what you guys can do about jobs?

I've been on both sides of this story. Even down to sleeping in separate beds. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It will take work but it will be worth it. If you guys can get through this you will be closer than ever. If she sees that you genuinely want her to feel better and that you want that intimacy and closeness she may appreciate you even more. Good luck hope it works out.

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jbrooks544

This doesn't sound good I've been married 16 years if that qualifies me. The phrase ..."which I now find she is bitter about"... hit me right in the chops. I'm guessing that your wife is not communicating her feelings, but is covering them up and not telling you. It helps her to do this by working odd shift and playing cards online, etc. It is quite likely that she has some large issues with you and might think that she doesn't "love" you anymore - she may think she hates you - but she can't bring herself to communicate and has given up. These feelings and non-communication can feed on themselves and be increased over time. Also, she may be depressed (medically) or need other happy pills. The actual issues that she thinks she is mad at you about might actually start out small but they fester and lead to what you see now. Marriage counselor is needed. If I'm wrong about some of this, then good - but you might still need counseling or she happy pills.

All of the previous aside, the sexual drive could be a separate issue. Her hormones are wacked and she may need to seek medial help.

Just sleepwalking on and not facing the issues will just make things wors and/or irreparable - it it hasn't happened already. This is no fun but it can probably be overcome if you can convince her that you want to make her happy and that you will listen to her and do what she wants. good luck

skysooner

This is a tough problem, but sex (for women) is so completely tied to how they feel about the relationship that it is hard to separate. She might be unwilling to adjust her time schedule for various reasons (comfortableness in her current shift/workers, time at the house by herself, etc.). It sounds like she thinks that there is something wrong in the marriage. Trying to create a romantic feeling in such an atmosphere is like trying to walk through a minefield. There is danger there but you might not know it. Marriage counseling might be a good idea as it would give you a place where you could talk and sort through the bullshit quickly. Sometimes when you talk at home you can get all caught up in emotions that you don't get to what is really bothering you. You need to have an honest talk with her about the situation and what you can do to improve it. My wife used to resent me for my seeming lack of emotional response when her mom died of cancer. I got pissed off because I could tell she resented it. It became a vicious cycle until we honestly talked about it. Now we have a great marriage. We spend at least an hour talking every day (either through phone or when I get home). This is time without the kids bothering us too much (they are 4 and 7). It has enabled us to really establish a deep rapport. We still have our issues on days when we don't feel good, but for the most part it is pretty idealic. The quantity and quality of sex has dramatically increased as a result. After 12 years of marriage, we are having sex roughly 4 times a week, and it has just gotten better. Just food for thought.

David2000

Yeah, I'd echo what everyone else has said--you need to be having this conversation with her, not us. Though let us know how it goes!

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ismark

I egree with all the foregoing,

One thing thats troubling me a little, its the grog thing, do you both drink a lot? It tends to depress and can make bad situations even worse. I personaly have found that when times are really bad, I drink more and it just gets worse.

Oh, and by the way, grog kills sex drives, if you get too drunk all the time.

If your wife is drinking heavily, alone at night, she is probably dealing with some real problems. Have you considered professional help?

I am not suggesting going on the wagon but some control is probably a good thing right now.

Hope its gets better and that it all works out

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Lebell

Sigh...

Some of this sounds like my relationship with my ex.

I do know you both need to get into counseling ASAP.

I wish you better luck than we had.

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"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis

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MichaelFarker

Your feelings seem perfectly normal, Bad_In_Public. I agree that seeing a counselor will help a lot. If you decide to try to stay with her, seeing the right counselor is the way to go.

Is there something she needs to forgive you for?

What is her primary love language? What is yours?
As listed by counselor Gary Chapman, the 5 languages that communicate love are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Focus on the intimacy and sex will come naturally. Compliment her and make her feel good about herself, even if you have to really work hard to think of things to say. Be honest, and be patient. Pursue her. It will be worth it.