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Old 02-15-2011, 03:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Help understanding wife's sexual "style"

Hello,

I've been a longtime TFPer but after being aware that others in my family's community are on here (which is a good thing!), I had to post this anonymously due to the fact it discusses our sex life, which I'd rather didn't get back to our community at large -- my apologies but I'm sure you understand.

My wife and I have been married for less than 10 years and we've had our share of sexual issues. Frequency of sex is our biggest issue we fight about (I desire it around 3+ times / week, she desires it once a week max, usually less). We have other issues and I'm not going to claim that our communication can't improve or other aspects of our marriage don't need work -- they do. But I want to focus on one specific issue currently, which is I will call my wife's sexual 'style', to better understand it and please her more, which, I am hoping, will make those infrequent sexual moments we have be better for both of us.

Obligatory "my wife was raised in a strict household where sex was never mentioned / bad, etc., etc" -- true

So very often when we start making out, etc., my wife sometimes asks me to either a) order her what to do b) blindfold her with a tie c) tie her wrists together with a tie d) respond to what I am saying with 'sir' or 'master' e)call her a slut, etc. Doing any of these turns her on a lot. Now I get that this essentially is a form of submission on her part, and most probably acts as a way to make her more comfortable with sex as it was such a taboo before.

The confusion is that I am not a dominating person remotely and so I certainly don't know how to go about doing the appropriate actions/language that she wants. BUT more importantly, when I try to do anything that is dominating, she will very often very seriously say no and not want to proceed.

In essence, my confusion is that she wants to be submissive "in theory" but not actually in practice. And since I'm certainly not going to force anything on her, it ends up always sucking horribly.

Example: Oral sex -- she wants to perform oral sex on me while she is on her back and I am kneeling over her "feeding it to her" (as she puts it). She is awesome at it and of course I can only take so much of it in that position before I want to lie down and focus on the sensation rather than focus on maintaining the position, but when I tell her or order her to do it, she refuses. Similarly, she will only give me oral sex for a very short time before she wants to get to intercourse, and even if I order, command, push, etc., for more, she just refuses and moves to a different position. (Side note, I love performing oral on her for extended periods of time so it's certainly not for lack of reciprocation. Side side note: she says she doesn't enjoy that at all).

So I'm confused and not sure what's going on.

Thoughts?

Thanks!
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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First: obligatory "talk to her!" Ask her why she does these things.

Second:

I am submissive, to a degree. If I don't want to do something, I won't do it. Simple as that. However, some people who are exploring their submissive sides are also still unsure of how submissive they are comfortable being. It may take time to build up to it. Perhaps she senses that you don't have faith in your Dom abilities. If she feels like you are phoning it in, she can easily get turned off to the idea. You dominating her is still a sex act, so just like if you would be turned off if it felt she was phoning in her enthusiasm for a blow or some other sex act, she may be shutting you down when you are "telling" her what to do.

Again, talk to her. If she is serious about you dominating her, even if only in the bedroom, and she is serious about being submissive to you, then you need to find out what all she wants and expects. There are resources at your disposal for you to learn how to be a better Dom. However, some people just do not have that personality or think they have that personality. I am not submissive anywhere but in the bedroom, try to tell me what to do in my everyday life and I will give you the "WTF look". Hubby, is not one who is good at making decisions or being demanding in everyday life, but he is awesome at it in the bedroom.

Just think about it and talk to your wife. That is all you really can do.
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Last edited by Starkizzer; 02-15-2011 at 03:35 PM..
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You HAVE to communicate with her and find out what's making her tick (or not tick, in this case).

My first question for her would be to find out if she is saying no because she means no, or is it because she wants you to be more dominant than you are being.

If she's honestly apprehensive, explore what you can do to make her less so. Women are complex creatures. Maybe it's something as simple as too much light, too worried of someone overhearing, or that she needs you to spend some time loosening her up by rubbing her shoulders and getting her relaxed and de-stressed first. But only she can tell you. Any good answer here is going to involve you having detailed conversation with her.
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Last edited by Borla; 02-15-2011 at 03:25 PM..
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Plus one for what's been said so far.

Communication is key. You and she need to be able to really postgame stuff if your sex life is going to consistently be satisfying.

The other thing is, maybe you guys need a safety word. Because sometimes (only once in my personal experience, but I hear it happens with some frequency) women who have a submissive streak need to be able to "really" fight, including saying no, and other kinds of protesting, so they can be "overpowered." And unless, as a couple, you're extremely experienced at the kind of moment-to-moment "check-in" empathic connection that can run simultaneously with hardcore B/D roleplaying, that means that a safety word is key, so that she can protest to her heart's desire, but also feel safe that you'll stop if she needs you to, and you can feel safe and comfortable "overpowering" her over her "protests."
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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It's all about control to her. She wants to be told what to do, but only what she wants to be told what to do. (Does that make sense?) If she says tell me to do this or that, she is still in control. If she is simply following your directions she is not in control. So, while she gets off on the submissiveness of her actions she still needs to maintain the control of the situation.

There is a fine line between enjoying the submissive acts and letting go mentally. Some people just can't go there in their mind but still enjoy the excitement of the feelings, or the taboo of it. You'll have to let her lead, in a sense she is not really subbing but topping from the bottom.

Tell her how much you enjoy doing those things for her and ask her to give you directions. Maybe even have her write out ahead of time some things she would like you to do or say, or a scene she would like to role play that way she's still in control because she's made the choices herself.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hello everyone,

So what I'm reading is that a chunk of this comes down to communicating the specifics of what is happening. This poses a big problem, as my wife doesn't like to talk about sex at all. It's something that, as she puts it, happens in the bedroom at night and is not suppose to be talked about, etc. Granted it has happened outside the bedroom and not at night, but let's say, for example, we had just finished some great sex and are now going to sleep. If I make a comment about how great it was, or something we did during it, after it, she'll get all upset and ask me why do we need to talk about it, that ruins it, etc.

As I mentioned prior, we have an issue with frequency. This is a big enough issue that we talk/argue about it a lot. So, indirectly, we are taking about sex and when we do even that, it upsets her as it is just 'suppose to happen without planning, effort', etc. Seems that she feels that it should be more along the lines of what you see in the Soap Operas where they just fall into an embrace and the music swells appropriately

So I have to admit after reading everyone's advice about bringing this up with her in detail I am very apprehensive about doing so as from past experience it backfires BADLY when I do and results in LESS sex. Dunno...
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Old 02-15-2011, 11:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Perhaps she should consider seeing a sex therapist, maybe you could even go with her. You may think that if shes not comfortable talking to you about it, that she won't be comfortable talking to a shrink. This may not be the case. Talking to a stranger, who you know won't judge you, won't use what you say against you later in an argument, and is bound by an oath not to tell anyone else, can be very cathartic.

If you can't suggest such things to her with out it causing problems, that is a problem. Marriage counseling is useful for many aspects of marriage. Sex is important in a relationship. It bring intimacy and hell, it helps relieve some stress. She needs to at least know and understand how you feel about the issue. Maybe there is something you are missing that needs to be addressed. All the blame cannot fall solely on just one of you, you share this and it should be worked on as a couple.

Best of luck.
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Old 02-16-2011, 03:25 AM   #8 (permalink)
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After reading your last post I am thinking, 'sex therapy.' But star beat me to it.

She seems to have some pretty strong negative associations with sex that need to be addressed, I think, if you're going to have a mutually satisfying sex life. She needs to be able to talk about it. If not with you right away, then with a therapist who can encourage her to express herself openly in that way.
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Old 02-20-2011, 04:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You don't seem sexually compatible.

This might be obvious, but it seems to be the central problem. It's always a shame when people simply are coming from different places sexually, and yet they're married so they feel that this is "it".

It opens up interesting conversations. Is the institution of marriage, and the (assumed) monogamous bond between the married important enough for the sex to adapt to the relationship (as in therapy) - or is sexuality deeply engrained enough to have it work the other way around? Should the relationship adapt to the sex, as in polyamory?

Let's suppose therapy doesn't work, what then? Try to force adaptability? How often does therapy work for people who are coming at the issue from radically opposed angles?
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Old 02-20-2011, 05:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
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If she has such issues with sex and shuts down when the subject of sex is brought up just concerning her, she is very unlikely to listen to a discussion about her husband having sex with someone else. If she already has issues concerning sex, telling her he wants to find it elsewhere will only add insult to injury and may even cause her to shut down more. I don't think he wants to scar his wife in that way.

Also, is doesn't sound like the OP is looking to just get more sex, but instead is genuinely looking to understand his wifes sexual nature better in hopes for more sex with her.

Opening up a marriage or any relationship to polyamory, having play partner, or any other form of open relationship should not be due to one person being unhappy with the current situation. An open relationship needs to be agreed upon by both partners. Suggesting such a thing simply because one is not getting as much sex as they want seems like a very bad idea and possibly the start to a discussion of splitting up. I agree that both partners need to work on sexual issues and both should work to making it a relationship that is enjoyed by all involved. Polyamory is about sharing love with more partners and can only work when everyone is satisfied and feels equally important to the dynamic (whatever it may be).
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Old 02-21-2011, 04:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
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If you seriously can't discuss an issue important to you with your wife, there were a lot of things that went wrong before we got here.

One or both of you may no longer be willing/able to repair the relationship now, but you can try. Trying will only work if you both are, though.
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Old 03-14-2011, 09:34 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks for everyone's feedback. I will for sure reply in more detail, but I want to follow-up on one thing now.

A common theme is that we need counseling / therapy. I agree and I am trying to set that up now. My question is -- how do I go about finding one from the possible thousands in my city? Any links or recommendations? I am located near Toronto, Canada.

Thank you.
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Old 03-20-2011, 01:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I can tell you that part of being dominating won't work if there is any hesitation or timidness on your part. To eliminate the sense of control she might be feeling tie her up, she's asked for that, put a blindfold on her and make her do what you want how you want it.

Is she cute? I could show you how it works.... Just kidding.
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