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Old 02-15-2011, 03:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Help understanding wife's sexual "style"

Hello,

I've been a longtime TFPer but after being aware that others in my family's community are on here (which is a good thing!), I had to post this anonymously due to the fact it discusses our sex life, which I'd rather didn't get back to our community at large -- my apologies but I'm sure you understand.

My wife and I have been married for less than 10 years and we've had our share of sexual issues. Frequency of sex is our biggest issue we fight about (I desire it around 3+ times / week, she desires it once a week max, usually less). We have other issues and I'm not going to claim that our communication can't improve or other aspects of our marriage don't need work -- they do. But I want to focus on one specific issue currently, which is I will call my wife's sexual 'style', to better understand it and please her more, which, I am hoping, will make those infrequent sexual moments we have be better for both of us.

Obligatory "my wife was raised in a strict household where sex was never mentioned / bad, etc., etc" -- true

So very often when we start making out, etc., my wife sometimes asks me to either a) order her what to do b) blindfold her with a tie c) tie her wrists together with a tie d) respond to what I am saying with 'sir' or 'master' e)call her a slut, etc. Doing any of these turns her on a lot. Now I get that this essentially is a form of submission on her part, and most probably acts as a way to make her more comfortable with sex as it was such a taboo before.

The confusion is that I am not a dominating person remotely and so I certainly don't know how to go about doing the appropriate actions/language that she wants. BUT more importantly, when I try to do anything that is dominating, she will very often very seriously say no and not want to proceed.

In essence, my confusion is that she wants to be submissive "in theory" but not actually in practice. And since I'm certainly not going to force anything on her, it ends up always sucking horribly.

Example: Oral sex -- she wants to perform oral sex on me while she is on her back and I am kneeling over her "feeding it to her" (as she puts it). She is awesome at it and of course I can only take so much of it in that position before I want to lie down and focus on the sensation rather than focus on maintaining the position, but when I tell her or order her to do it, she refuses. Similarly, she will only give me oral sex for a very short time before she wants to get to intercourse, and even if I order, command, push, etc., for more, she just refuses and moves to a different position. (Side note, I love performing oral on her for extended periods of time so it's certainly not for lack of reciprocation. Side side note: she says she doesn't enjoy that at all).

So I'm confused and not sure what's going on.

Thoughts?

Thanks!
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