Mountain Biker

So lets say that in the beginning of a releationship you let the lady know that you have a high sex drive and like a good bit of the kinky stuff and like the kinky stuff a lot. BlowJobs, oral, quickies, long and dragged out type of sex - she agrees say'n "Thats great, we'll make a great match!". "I love to give road head" was another comment she made (great, I like it too )

Now, the whole point in say'n that wasn't to pound my chest like some God or something, only said it because I do like it, alot and kinky. I need a lady who likes the same.

Its been over a year 4months and she is not like that at all. She is like a once a week person, doesn't really care for kinky stuff, no blow job during car rides or other times. I eat her all the time, well use to but it has become no fun because theres never a return on the favor. Gone from 5 times a week to maybe 1 a week, if I'm lucky!

Seems she is tired, kid needs stuff, stressed over work, not in the mood, just not feeling it, I bother her too much and kill the mood/ I don't go after her enough and she doesn't feel wanted, I always want it, I talk too much about it, I text too much, she is sick, too much going on ...... tons of excuses.
**** I have done all the dishes, made dinners, done the clothes, bunch of other stuff to get rid of as much stress as possible for her. I would do this for over a month at a time. Even had it so her kid would leave her alone and she got an hour of total alone time when she got home (includes from me also!) This didn't seem to help, just more excuses!******

I bought a good amount of panties/oils/whips and such. We used them maybe 3 times and thats it. She wore the panties out with her girl date nights, then we used them! Not say'n she is cheating, she could be, but nothing raises red flags about that issue.

Recently bought a TENS unit (couple hundred bucks!) and was hoping that would get her going. She tried it, said its cool and like it but looks like it's going to sit without use, from the 2 of us (feels great solo but thats not what I bought it for, bought it for a new perspective and to make things fun).

I have explained that if she is not really into this stuff, thats fine, but she will have to be willing to give me what I need and crave. We can keep it simple for her end of the wants/desire. Still seems she just doesn't care what I need.

This is taking a big toll on me, I don't feel like I can be myself. I am loosing desire for sex with us, not because I don't love or want her but because its not going where I need it to go.

I like being able to come home after a stressful day and just bend her over the dryer for a quickie BUT that'll never happen, she just thinks I am overly horney. I want to be able to say "suck it" and she'll do it, BUT that won't happen - even if I encourage her to just tell/make me eat her anytime she wants it. I like to be able to pull the car over and go at it. Just the normal fun stuff!!!!

Alright, done my rant. Thanks for any insite that maybe I'm not looking at to fix this (seeing she said she likes all the same stuff at the beginning). Otherwise, I really can't go on like this.

Seaver

Welcome to reality.

You can do everything you can, and the sex will die down. Once a week is pretty good if you're living together and have kids.

You know all of the stuff: stress, time, pills, etc.

She may not give BJ's anymore, and trust me I'm a huge fan of them, but the simple truth is you giving oral to a girl is not the same as a girl to guy... the guy is simply done as the girl is just getting started.

Have her talk to a doctor to be sure it's not a hormone issue, and if it's not then it's stress. As much as you do it'll never fully go away.

Go ahead and find another girl... but the same shit will happen I guarantee.

__________________
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amonkie

The only person responsible for fulfilling your sexual cravings and needs is you. Trying to tell her whatever she wants is secondary as long as she is giving you the things you want is about the most surefire way to quelch any desire that I can think of.

If you know now know that what was advertised is not reality in your viewpoint, you have limited options. You can talk to her about how you can fulfill those avenues if she is not willing to be the person to do them. You can choose to forgo. Or, you can choose to find someone who is more a compatible match for you if it is truly that big a deal.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Mountain Biker

This is the first girl that has pulled this on me, so never had to deal with it. Being up front has always helped. Maybe I have been lucky so far?

Like I said, I am upfront about how I am and what I need.

I am just try'n to see if the ladies here can see something I'm missing? Not fair to her for me to stay and keep feeling this way, won't help things any. Also not fair for me to feel this way and just not be happy.

The B.J. thing is just one of the issues we talked about when we first started hanging out/dating. She was all about it then - talked the talk and all that.

We have talked about things and she will say "I need this or that" - I do what she wants but things just don't change and I'm beginning to think its just being selfish ........(one thing she said while hanging out was "I used to be a selfish lover but not any more" .... kinda through up red flags but I just took her word on that.

She is fine with me going down on her 5 - 6 times a week and doing what she likes, its when I try to notion for what I want, things just kinda end at that point.

I'm pretty sure I just need to find someone who is more compatible with my likes but I do love her and have become attached to her kid also - makes things hard to just say goodbye.

Thers just no way I'm going to be happy taking care of myself 8 times a week and then being lucky to have "regular" sex 1 or 2 times a week - if I'm lucky.

---------- Post added at 04:23 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:15 PM ----------

We have talked and its not like I say "do this or I can't be with you", I also don't just tell her what she wants to hear - I listen to her, try to do what she needs.
I have put her needs ahead of mine many times, we talk about things, seem to come to understandings why we feel the way we do and then .... nothing.

Either I am missing something or she is still selfish/never was into anything we talked about - just told me what I wanted to hear, and there is nothing I can do to change that.

ASU2003

Does she feel good about herself? Are you doing things that are sexy to her? Is the sex you have had just the same thing over and over? Are you doing small romantic things like massages and kissing?

Mountain Biker

I write her notes telling her I'm thinking of her, buy her flowers for no reason, tell her she is beautiful/sexy.

The sex has been just regular sex, I have brought it up and she agrees that she wants to mix it up. I try to change it up and do different things but she doesnt take a roll in things. Then she goes back to the same old - same old.

I have books with hundreds of ideas... bought sexy clothing for her, toys, just got the TENS unit (she tried it, says she like it but nothing.... ). Never have I had this problem, its like pulling teeth with a tooth pick!

As far as feeling good about herself, she has the small hang ups everbody goes through every now and then but nothing major. I am always telling her she is beautiful and that I love being with her.

Not sure about her past, what the father of her kid put her through. She doesnt say aything and never hinted towards problems but.... never know. As far as I can tell, thats not it.

levite

I think the only thing you can do is to keep talking with her, let her know that her needs are deeply important to you, but so are yours.

Sexual compatibility is not something to be minimized. Good sex is an integral part of a successful long term relationship. And depending on one's personal feelings, one's sex drive, one's lifestyle and personality, sexual incompatibility can be a legitimate dealbreaker.

I'm by no means saying you should end the relationship. Not at all. It sounds like you're being relatively reasonable, and there's something more here than what you've been told. Which is why more discussion is in order. Because either she simply misled you about her sexual likes and dislikes, and her sex drive, or she's blocked emotionally about something that needs dealing with, or there is something in the relationship or in her life that is distracting her, and taking away her sexual appetite. The latter options are absolutely things that can be worked through with time and clear communication, but she needs to be in the same boat with you on that. Even the first might be something that you could find a way to live with if there were honest communication and willingness to compromise on both sides, since it sounds like you're both people with other good and potentially compatible qualities.

But there is the possibility that, though she liked the sound of what she said to you at the start, she just isn't someone with as strong and varied a sex drive as you, and that won't change. And if that is the case, you are going to need to decide how important this is to you, and whether it's a dealbreaker or not.

You must be compassionate and patient with her when talking about this, but you also have the right to insist that it be dealt with in clear and honest communication.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Mountain Biker

Thanks, I am on the same page with what you are say'n. I am not sure how to approach the right conversation to get the "right" (as in honest) response from her.

Thanks for explaining - better then I could - about sexual compatibility being important and not to be minimized. Sometimes I don't explain things the right way and they come across wrong.

Mountain Biker

There is another thing that bothers the crap outta me. We will talk sex all day, texting/calling from work, things will be a go all day and then when it comes down to it - usually about 2 hours before the night ends, she will be like " I just don't feel like it now". It wouldn't be a big deal but it happens a good bit ( well it use to, i've kinda given up on doing that cause I get worked up all day and then, nothing). She isn't even willeing to help me take care of things.

If it was reversed I would help her out.... but I'm always ready to go, so that won't happen.

ASU2003

Have some Sunday morning sex.

Is she on hormonal birth control? (You might have answered this already...)

Mountain Biker

No birth control.

She used to be like "I like it in the mornings, not at night." Soooo... I would get up early (I go to work at 4:30am, she goes in at 7am), I am NOT a morning person when it comes to sex .....and she would be too tired. Even on the weekends, every now and then she would be up for it but soon it turned into the same stuff I deal with at night.

Now, once a week .... when shes ready.

The other parts of our relationship are good and we all get along.

We talked last night, offered to go and talk to a doctor about the issues. She just kinda didn't say much. She said she didn't feel good about her self. I asked her about what and she just kinda mumbled a few things. Then she crashed out.

I'm thinking she is done with the relationship and keeps us (relationship) around cause its comfy for her.

Fotzlid

Any chance you're a paycheck?

jewels

When it's a relationship, it's deeper than just sex.

During the honeymoon phase, sex is great. But the intimacy that you had during that time is hard to hang onto. It takes a lot of work and effort. I can hear it in your tone and the way you talk about sex, about what you've done for her, to help her. But the fact that you don't know what's going on despite having spoken with her about it clues me in that intimacy may just be what's lacking.

Sex is great but, for most women I know, becomes lackluster without intimacy. And, for the record, intimacy isn't about talking when you need an answer to a question.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
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Zeraph

I don't know, your needs sound pretty vanilla (i.e. not kinky) to me. Maybe she wants to be tied up, whipped, spanked, teased, roleplay, etc. but figured you'd take the lead on it and she's too shy to ask.

Shadowex3

When you say crashed out how literally do you mean that? If she really is acting tired/lethargic, especially stuff you can't fake like just being wham-dead asleep the instant she hits the bed, then there's a good chance there's something biological messing with her sex drive.

If she's physically fine and enjoying the sex she decides you get to have... then it sounds more like she's just really incompatible with you and taking advantage of you in bed.

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powerclown

I would say 1 year and 4 months is a pretty decent amount of time getting to know one another. Im surprised these things are still issues that have gone unresolved in that amount of time. Unless they have been (ignored) issues from day one. Do you know what she is looking for in a relationship? Do you know much about her background? Relationshipwise, familywise, healthwise. If you don't I would suggest you try to learn more about these things. The devil is in the details, as they say.

Anormalguy

A year and four months.

If things haven't improved in 16 months, chances are they never will. The way I see it you have two choices.

Accept things the way are, and don't expect any real lasting changes. It sounds as though you've tried to communicate with her, but it hasn't worked.

Move on. This seems harsh, but it sounds as though she wasn't honest about her sex drive from the start. Not too mention the teasing during the day that leads to nothing.

Good luck!

__________________
In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

Craven Morehead

Nothing kills a sex drive like stress. Which may also be the reason she's tired. Has the amount of stress she's under increased lately. Does that increase correlate with her decrease in desire?

Mountain Biker

The other way around. I explained to her in the beginning that I like the freak stuff. Like I said before, she said she was too and liked it a lot. I just went out and bought a TENS unit (electric shock) Spent well over 3 bills on it and have only used it with her once. She says she liked it but thats it, never used it with her after that.(I do use it by myself - I don't cheat). I did go out and buy whips, tie ups, other toys ,,,, only to be used once or twice and just sitting the rest of the time. I did try anal with her a few times, she says she just doenst want it, it hurts (thats fine by me, if she really doesn't care for it. but she says she has done it before). The one time I did get a finger in her ass during sex, she came all over the place and loved it but since then, nothing, she doesn't even want that anymore.

To answer other questions:
- At the start she was fine. We both went after each other. Was get'n good. Then it just stopped on her end.

- The stress and tiredness seem to happen whenever its good for her. Example: All through the week we can stay up to watch her new favorite show - Sparticas (sp?) untill 10:30 - 11:00pm, but like the other night, we go to bed 1.5 hours (8:30pm) early and not only do I not get the back rub I won in a bet but no sex again (we did talk that morning about doing a little something after work with the clothes she wore to work - keeping only her shirt, high boots on and nothing else).

- I would buy flowers and cards and keep the kid away and do things just for her. This was before and during/after the problems started. The stress stuff, well she didn't touch dinner,clothes, dishes and a lot of other things I did to help her destress. Intimancy shouldn't be the problem, we cudlle and relax together. She doesnt say anything about that.

- Don't think its a paycheck thing. BUT I do tend to spend my money more so on the one I'm with because I don't like materialistic (sp?) things and don't mind doing things for others. So it could be a little of that and thats what I'm worried about.

I don't know, my gut tells me to just call it quits and take some time to myself for a good while.

Other hand I don't want to be hasty and miss out on a someone just because they may be dealing with a problem that can be worked out. If this si the case, after a year and for months - it would be nice if she could talk to me about the problem, if there is one.

Shadowex3

See that's what is wierd to me. She reacts amazingly well to something... and then shuts it down hard. Sounds almost like she's having physical symptoms from a massive emotional backlash against her own sexuality.

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Plan9

Yeah, I don't get the waffling on sex activities either. Usually by the time I'm at the finger-in-the-ass category of a relationship we're picking out major appliances together. Over the course of a relationship, the items on the sexual menu increase and then plateau until someone lets the freak out of the closet or someone finds Jesus. I have no idea what to make of this. Her side of the story would be useful. Express your serious concern. You're not happy. Nobody wants to be sexually unsatisfied in a relationship. Painful open conversation might benefit you both. I'm not saying that you're not being straight with her and her with you, but sometimes you have to Dr. Phil the shit out of each other at the kitchen table on a Saturday at 10:38 hours.

I've done such just recently. I'm in a situation where my partner, a Certified Good Fuck, is completely happy with sex as long as she orgasms. Which isn't too hard to do. And while I'm just as much on the science side as her, I'm also way more on the art side as far as fucking is concerned. I have needs.

Other Big Duh: Some people just aren't as sexual as others. I've been with girls that talked such a raunchy good sack game but were only comfortable getting fucked Amish style. Maybe you unleashed the beast on her and she's not comfortable with your overwhelming freestyle flow, Dr. Feelgood.

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Whatever you can carry.

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Mountain Biker

We have had a few sit downs. There is something just not right and missing as to why she is this way. I am thinking, along with a few others here that I am more of a comfort to have around and since we do get along well, she is okay with it being that way.

Of course, if this is the case and when she sparks interest in someone else, I will find out real quick if my concerns are correct.

I just can't deal with the hot and cold, the teasing throughout the day - ending with nothing.

Thanks everyone for let'n me vent and the advice! Will let you know how things go.....

---------- Post added at 05:35 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:28 AM ----------

She is like that, in a way. when we first hooked up, I would eat her 5-7 times a week, nothing in return expected. She always came, wanted it and all that.
Some times she would make sure I was taken care of and she used to be concerned it was good for me. Now I feel as if she is just pulling "wife duty" to keep me off her back.

Sucks. For both people involveed, cause it rips both people off of what the relationship could really be.

Anormalguy

Listen to your gut, 16 months is long enough. You're doing your part to make things work, but she isn't doing her part, maybe if you walk she'll wake up.

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In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow