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levite · 02-11-2011, 05:35 PM

I think the only thing you can do is to keep talking with her, let her know that her needs are deeply important to you, but so are yours.

Sexual compatibility is not something to be minimized. Good sex is an integral part of a successful long term relationship. And depending on one's personal feelings, one's sex drive, one's lifestyle and personality, sexual incompatibility can be a legitimate dealbreaker.

I'm by no means saying you should end the relationship. Not at all. It sounds like you're being relatively reasonable, and there's something more here than what you've been told. Which is why more discussion is in order. Because either she simply misled you about her sexual likes and dislikes, and her sex drive, or she's blocked emotionally about something that needs dealing with, or there is something in the relationship or in her life that is distracting her, and taking away her sexual appetite. The latter options are absolutely things that can be worked through with time and clear communication, but she needs to be in the same boat with you on that. Even the first might be something that you could find a way to live with if there were honest communication and willingness to compromise on both sides, since it sounds like you're both people with other good and potentially compatible qualities.

But there is the possibility that, though she liked the sound of what she said to you at the start, she just isn't someone with as strong and varied a sex drive as you, and that won't change. And if that is the case, you are going to need to decide how important this is to you, and whether it's a dealbreaker or not.

You must be compassionate and patient with her when talking about this, but you also have the right to insist that it be dealt with in clear and honest communication.

02-11-2011, 05:35 PM	#7 (permalink)
levite Minion of Joss Location: The Windy City	I think the only thing you can do is to keep talking with her, let her know that her needs are deeply important to you, but so are yours. Sexual compatibility is not something to be minimized. Good sex is an integral part of a successful long term relationship. And depending on one's personal feelings, one's sex drive, one's lifestyle and personality, sexual incompatibility can be a legitimate dealbreaker. I'm by no means saying you should end the relationship. Not at all. It sounds like you're being relatively reasonable, and there's something more here than what you've been told. Which is why more discussion is in order. Because either she simply misled you about her sexual likes and dislikes, and her sex drive, or she's blocked emotionally about something that needs dealing with, or there is something in the relationship or in her life that is distracting her, and taking away her sexual appetite. The latter options are absolutely things that can be worked through with time and clear communication, but she needs to be in the same boat with you on that. Even the first might be something that you could find a way to live with if there were honest communication and willingness to compromise on both sides, since it sounds like you're both people with other good and potentially compatible qualities. But there is the possibility that, though she liked the sound of what she said to you at the start, she just isn't someone with as strong and varied a sex drive as you, and that won't change. And if that is the case, you are going to need to decide how important this is to you, and whether it's a dealbreaker or not. You must be compassionate and patient with her when talking about this, but you also have the right to insist that it be dealt with in clear and honest communication. __________________ Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)