Addiction - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

starbum · 03-07-2009, 11:05 AM

I have a problem that seems to be affecting me more and more as the days go on. I've been in a long relationship and I'll be married within a few months - I mention this to establish that I'm in a stable relationship where most of my needs are met. Here is the problem - we've almost completely stopped having sex. Its almost become once a month - if that. Its caused a lot of tension and arguments in our relationship - she wants more sex than I'm able to give. I've completely lost my sex drive - or so I think. Its not for a lack of want - I'm just finding it harder and harder to become aroused and stay aroused. As soon as we start an attempt at sex - something clicks inside me and I want to get away. Touching and playing around just feels "wet" - not good.

Those are the symptoms. Here is my addiction that may be fueling this. I'm completely and utterly addicted to porn. Its a thrill. Its so much variety - so much stuff that is off the wayside to appease every single whim. We've even tried 85% of the weird stuff, so its not from a lack of appeasing fetishes. We try it once and move on. I love hacking into websites and pulling all the free porn - Its a sense of accomplishment to be where I'm not supposed to be and pull something sexual from it. I get a mild hard-on just from doing it. I watch porn, and masturbate to it, at least once a day. I sneak it in. I can't get a hard on now without doing this - but now even the hard on isn't all that stong. I'm having a hard time even keeping that up. I masturbate, do a quick clean up, and go about my day. No fuss no muss - I delete what I did and what I downloaded and move on.

I my addiction is making my sex life "mono". I have completely retrained my fiance to not wanting sex - so I don't even feel the pressure from her anymore. Only in stress-arguments does she bring up the fact that I don't touch her anymore. Every other aspect of our relationship is perfect - our sex life is almost like our dirty little secret. No one would even suspect it - we're very intimate and loving. We completely enjoy each others company and find other ways to fulfill each other. But something is missing. Its the elephant in the room.

I don't know how to stop. I've made several attempts - its just so damn easy and quick to get the quick thrill these days. It only takes me 5 minutes to get into a site I want. I've stopped before - like last december - and tried to force myself to want regular sex. It worked for a week, but everything just reset for me.

We've been open about everything. She knew about my behavior for a time, and even shared in it for awhile, but it never really lasted. I feel like I'm constantly the dissapointment and I need to man-up and force myself to want sex until I really do. I guess I do want sex - but I don't know how to approach it. I used to be really good - I had a lot of partners and used to thrive on it, I was expert and finding and exploiting all the sweet-spots on a woman to pleasure her. Now I don't feel the motivation to even pet someone. I don't have any interest in any other woman nor made the attempt - my fiance is the only one in my life. I don't know how to even begin to address my issue again - I feel like I need some kind of pornographic nicoderm patch.

ASU2003 · 03-07-2009, 12:45 PM

Send me a large external usb hard drive and I'll give you more porn than you can watch. There will be no incentive to waste time getting more because you have lots of movies that you haven't even watched.

Or is it a addiction to downloading (aka hording, gathering, saving, collecting)? Some people like collecting more than actually watching. If you are happy with how much porn you currently have, this is where to start first. Have you fiancée install one of those adult-content filters on your computer. Or block it at the ISP level. And take a three or four day vacation with no computers the first few days afterwards. That will break up the routine, then make sure you keep yourself busy after that.

The other option is getting therapy or professional consuling. If things don't get better, it might be a good thing to get professional help.

There is also the iron fist version over in China. You could get sent away and come back in a few weeks all better, but not quite all there...
Internet addiction defined in China, entire Engadget staff now officially certifiable
(This is one of my favorite pictures from 2008, that is why I remembered this site.)

ring · 03-07-2009, 05:16 PM

You are addicted to porn, and you also get your thrills from hacking into sites.

What truly disturbs me, is your claim that, " I have completely retrained my fiance,
to not wanting sex."

Get thee to a therapist that deals specifically with this type of addiction.
He/she will guide you through the process of dealing with that elephant in the room,
in a non-judgemental professional way.

Couples counseling is going to be vital as well. (have your own therapist that you can build trust with, and talk about things you might not want to say in front of your fiance,
and have him/her recommend a different counselor for the couples counseling.
You fiance may want or need her own private therapist as well.)

There are other options out there, if not being able to afford all this help is an issue.

cdwonderful · 03-07-2009, 05:33 PM

ring is right (as always ) therapy is your only real option
and your only real hope.....

little_tippler · 03-08-2009, 09:16 AM

It really sucks when you realize you're doing something harmful to yourself but enjoy it immensely. You're going to have to be mean to yourself and spend plenty of time forcing yourself to not do it. It's worth a try, especially if you say she's that important to you. Life will suck for some time, but hopefully on the other side of it you'll look back and be glad you did it.

I'd try therapy...but I think the solution to this issue is in you. I have felt similarly, about things I may do myself that aren't helping me. It's really tough to contradict what has become second nature to you. Good luck.

Acetylene · 03-08-2009, 09:42 AM

I also zeroed in on the use of the word "training" regarding your fiancee's sexual desires.

There may be an undercurrent of dominance/submission in the relationship here. Many people enjoy controlling their partner's sexual fulfillment, which is fine as long as both parties are complicit. Mybe take a little time to think about the power and control aspects of pornography and of your relationship to see how big of a component it is. If it's a big one, you can satisfy that urge in a way that might be more fun for your partner, assuming she likes it too.

If you decide to give up porn (and I think it's a good idea considering your self-proclaimed addiction) then you need to seal yourself away from it.

When you are on a diet, you don't buy a cake and leave it on the kitchen table - or if you do, you shouldn't be surprised when you get hungry and eat it. No, to succeed at your diet you fill your house with healthy food and stay away from the temptation of junk food. When you are addicted to drugs, the first thing you have to do is get away from your using friends, your seller, and all your paraphrenalia, or else you will have too much temptation and give in.

Rather than rely entirely on your own willpower here and setting yourself up for failure, put controls into place that will make it harder to get the porn. Consider cancelling your home internet access. I know, it seems like going without oxygen, but you can use the internet at work for email and other important stuff and just watch TV or play games at home. You will not only be safer from porn but you will find yourself with many more hours in the day

If you can't bear to be without internet access, then install parental controls on your computer and give your fiancee the passwords. Let her support you here. You've mentioned you like the subterfuge involved in "hacking" your porn so this may not help much, as you may enjoy trying to hack your control software, but it could be worth a try. Anything you can do to help yourself is worth it.

You could also set up two user accounts o your computer - one with internet, and one without. The one without internet is yours, the other your finacee's. When you want to use the internet, have her log in as herself and let you use her account for a while. Since it's her account, you will be under supervision and not free to indulge yourself.

Whatever method you choose, make sure you know that it is your choice to do this, and do not fall into the trap of blaming your loved ones for trying to help you. Don't yell at her if she tries to remind you that you shouldn't be downloading that video of triple penetration - she's HELPING.

Finally, if it turns out that you don't REALLY want to give it up. then find yourself a girl who doesn't want sex. Many, many men bemoan having married a women who will never have sex with them - find one of those girls and enjoy being non-sexual romantic partners. But don't torture your poor fiancee by dangling a promise to quit in front of her eyes if you don't really mean it.

highthief · 03-08-2009, 12:27 PM

Why are you even bothering getting married when, given your current situation, it is an almost 100% certainty you'll end up divorced?

Get help or break it off.

JamesB · 03-08-2009, 01:08 PM

Respectfully, you need help.

Don't ruin a perfectly healthy and normal persons life with your own failures/shortcomings. Seek help.

Turpis · 03-08-2009, 01:18 PM

^ yeah agreed,

P.S. no matter how much you think you have "trained" someone you havent. you should let your broad go if that's the way you feel. she is probably screaming for a lay, and id be surprised if she wasn't getting it from somewhere else.

starbum · 03-08-2009, 04:42 PM

I appreciate the responses.

I should clarify the "training"statement - it was not something intentional. What I meant by it was - we struggled with it for awhile and through communication we found compromises. We're both doing our best to re-establish the sexual relationship - the "training" was to reduce pressure on me. We had thought that by reducing the pressure, it would come more naturally. As I have found - that as she reduced the pressure, I found more time to find porn.

I've already taken steps to cut myself off from the addiction, I've already been able to quit smoking and drunkenness from my life.

I guess what I needed most was someone to say that I wasn't the bad guy - that there were other people out there. I'm disheartened that people automatically assumed that she would cheat - it seems like the whole world has become pessimistic about marriage.

Turpis · 03-08-2009, 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starbum

1. I guess what I needed most was someone to say that I wasn't the bad guy - that there were other people out there. I'm disheartened that people automatically assumed that she would cheat - it seems like the whole world has become pessimistic about marriage.

2. I should clarify the "training"statement - it was not something intentional. What I meant by it was - we struggled with it for awhile and through communication we found compromises. We're both doing our best to re-establish the sexual relationship - the "training" was to reduce pressure on me. We had thought that by reducing the pressure, it would come more naturally. As I have found - that as she reduced the pressure, I found more time to find porn.

1. yeh yeh pity party, wah wah. ok dude here is the thing YOU ARENT MARRIED YET! im not pessimistic about marriage. i just know that the only reason for any relationship is the fulfillment of a need. as base as that sounds its actually quite beautiful. hence the term two become one. (note: that trust and love are also needs lest ye misinterpret my meaning).

2. this woman obviously loves you very much, you obviously cant see that. if you can see more depth in downloading porn than her she must be a 2x4. honestly man even if you arent attracted to her physically there must be some time where she says or does something that just gets you going. if not either you are or she(or both) is as 2D as mickey mouse. either way not a healthy relationship.

northstar · 03-08-2009, 05:06 PM

As much as comedians like to joke about it, porn addiction is an actual serious problem that does get in the way of some people's lives. It has gotten even worse since the internet has made it so easy to access any and every kind of pornographic video with the click of a button.

Sure, cheating is always bad. But under these circumstances one can see how a woman could be driven towards that in that she loves you, she doesn't want to break up, but her sexual needs are not being satisfied. It makes it worse if you have the ability to do something about your porn addiction and have not.

Regardless, there's no use in looking at hypotheticals and what ifs, really the solution is to kick the porn habit, make your woman feel sexy and most of all have fun with it! If you need professional help to do this, you should not hesitate or be embarrassed about it.

Turpis · 03-08-2009, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by northstar

As much as comedians like to joke about it, porn addiction is an actual serious problem that does get in the way of some people's lives. It has gotten even worse since the internet has made it so easy to access any and every kind of pornographic video with the click of a button.

Sure, cheating is always bad. But under these circumstances one can see how a woman could be driven towards that in that she loves you, she doesn't want to break up, but her sexual needs are not being satisfied. It makes it worse if you have the ability to do something about your porn addiction and have not.

Regardless, there's no use in looking at hypotheticals and what ifs, really the solution is to kick the porn habit, make your woman feel sexy and most of all have fun with it! If you need professional help to do this, you should not hesitate or be embarrassed about it.

man dont give me that shit. ive known baseheads who have kicked it because they KNOW it is wrong. try and tell me porn is more addictive than crack, just try it. people like this take the addiction healing process back 50 years its always a pity party. pity leads to depression. depression leads to bad choices. do some god damned exercise and think positively about yourself

MacGuyver · 03-08-2009, 08:18 PM

I'd like to take a minute to remind the lot of you that this is someone coming here looking for help, not for an irresponsible amount of ridicule. If you feel a certain way, try to be polite about a person who is opening up to us with a serious problem.

I struggled from this, and my relationship ended. I'm not going to blame and make excuses for why it ended but that's probably one of the indirect factors that at the very least affected my attitude towards how I acted around other people. I'm not saying your hopes are dashed but you certainly need to do something about the problem or you will end up without the relationship anymore. Some people are going to disagree with me, but I think that a big thing about addiction is having the ability to get over the problem by yourself and on your own willpower. This isn't to say that you are completely alone in the world, but even if you have the best network of friends, best therapists... they cannot get over YOUR addiction FOR you. You need to find a catalyst that will push you to the point of getting over your problems. There has to be something in your life that will make you realize that you need to get over the STUPID things in life. Hopefully you will ask yourself... "What is more important, watching porn or my relationship? or having a family? or succeeding with my goals?" Because with any addiction, the addiction will start to get in the way of major things in your life, and you need to get to the point where you re-evaluate your priorities.

thespian86 · 03-08-2009, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ring

Get thee to a therapist that deals specifically with this type of addiction.

Yup.

northstar · 03-09-2009, 05:10 PM

Quote:

man dont give me that shit. ive known baseheads who have kicked it because they KNOW it is wrong. try and tell me porn is more addictive than crack, just try it. people like this take the addiction healing process back 50 years its always a pity party. pity leads to depression. depression leads to bad choices. do some god damned exercise and think positively about yourself

Ok. There are also plenty of baseheads that simply can not kick it no matter how hard they try. To some people, yes porn is more addictive than crack. It's much more easily accessible, doesn't cost anything, provides instant gratification and can be done without destroying your mental/physical health making it easier to rationalize looking at even if you have a problem with it. The OP isn't looking for a shoulder to cry on or screaming woe is me, he's looking for suggestions to solve his problem.

Starkizzer · 03-10-2009, 01:11 AM

I think my main question when reading this was does your prospective wife know why it is that you have lost your sex drive? I know you say that she knew about your behavior previously and that she joined you in these exercises for a while, but does she know or realize the full implications of them or the fact that you are doing this instead of having sex with her?

I don't feel that anyone has any right to judge you for an addiction, but I do believe that those who have suggested therapy have the right idea. If this continues and you realize that it is causing detrimental effects to your relationship than that is when you have to take on some of this fault. No your not the "bad guy" but if you keep putting your partner through this then you are being selfish and will be the bad guy. Get couple counseling before you relationship suffers anymore.

Did any of the 85% of stuff have any similar thrill for you? Does any taboo activities give you this thrill. If so perhaps try focusing on those and trying to modify them to really thrill you.

Good luck buddy

MacGuyver · 03-10-2009, 08:24 AM

Maybe if you find something else that gives you a thrill then you can right yourself. This might be a stupid idea but, try to replace the trill of pornography with the trill of something else, I don't know, rock climbing, parachuting out of an airplane, you get my drift. Then maybe you won't need porn for your thrills, and you'll be able to move away from it and have a normal sex life with your SO.

MSD · 03-10-2009, 09:04 AM

You are suffering from a compulsive behavior disorder that has damaged your relationship and you are not in a healthy relationship. You need professional help that we are not qualified to provide.

Shaindra · 03-10-2009, 10:24 AM

Addictions are addictions. Anytime anything you do that you can't seem to stop damages your life/relationships/career, it's an addiction. Step 1 is always admit you have a problem. Dude, you definitely have a problem. If you can't quit, get help. You don't want to be the guy who loses his marriage because of porn.

abaya · 03-10-2009, 05:00 PM

Whatever you do, please postpone your marriage until you have resolved this issue. Your future wife doesn't deserve this. Neither does your present fiancee, but I know you're addressing that already. I highly recommend counseling specifically for this issue, individually for you and additionally for both of you as a couple.

starbum · 03-11-2009, 10:18 AM

Thank you all again, if any message you have given me has risen to the top - its that this is an urgent matter that requires my complete attention.

Its day 4 now and I haven't looked at any porn. I have not masturbated either, and as each day passes - that's getting harder. The old feelings of *wanting* to be touched are returning - testosterone is building - and I've gotten morning wood for the first time in a year. Sure, I'm sharing a lot, but I find it fascinating at how much my body is responding to this. I've deleted everything I have related to porn, including all of my tools and links. I've even avoided watching regular movies that might have nudity in them, just as part of my "probation" with myself.

I've started talking about my struggle to my fiance. Mostly, I've let her know that I don't want her help in this. I want to defeat this on my own - call my own shots - and make my advancements on her without her prompt. I want to be the proactive one, something to look back on and be proud of what I did.

Its amazing to look at how easy it is to see porn. I remember waking up late and STILL finding enough time to find a quick video, get off, and leave for work on time. It really was an addiction, I didn't even think twice about it - it had become routine. I'm seeing how destructive that has been.

I'm not saying this is easy. Its really hard. My body is starting to wake up after a long-long sexual sleep and its screaming for attention. I'm not going to give it that until I know I can fulfill its needs with only my partner. I've broken up with my hands and not calling them again.

northstar · 03-11-2009, 02:02 PM

That's the attitude! Keep it up! If for some reason you relapse a little bit remember to stay positive about your progress and not get discouraged that your not perfect, but never stop trying.

Regardless, it seems like you recognize the seriousness of your problem and are on your way to fixing it. Cheers!

Shaindra · 03-12-2009, 02:21 PM

I would also consider looking into some personal therapy to find out *why* you were addicted...otherwise you may find yourself with an unwelcome attraction to some other bad habit to fill the void. But you've taken the first step. You're not in denial and that in itself is *huge* for people with addiction issues. Good luck!

belle_enigma · 03-20-2009, 12:57 AM

__________

shazam75 · 03-22-2009, 12:48 AM

I think you should find a hobby to take some time away from porn at least - there are so many hobbies out there - just look for it on the net for all kinds of hobbies - aim is to take your mind off porn even for a small time.

03-07-2009, 11:05 AM	#1 (permalink)
starbum Tilted	Addiction I have a problem that seems to be affecting me more and more as the days go on. I've been in a long relationship and I'll be married within a few months - I mention this to establish that I'm in a stable relationship where most of my needs are met. Here is the problem - we've almost completely stopped having sex. Its almost become once a month - if that. Its caused a lot of tension and arguments in our relationship - she wants more sex than I'm able to give. I've completely lost my sex drive - or so I think. Its not for a lack of want - I'm just finding it harder and harder to become aroused and stay aroused. As soon as we start an attempt at sex - something clicks inside me and I want to get away. Touching and playing around just feels "wet" - not good. Those are the symptoms. Here is my addiction that may be fueling this. I'm completely and utterly addicted to porn. Its a thrill. Its so much variety - so much stuff that is off the wayside to appease every single whim. We've even tried 85% of the weird stuff, so its not from a lack of appeasing fetishes. We try it once and move on. I love hacking into websites and pulling all the free porn - Its a sense of accomplishment to be where I'm not supposed to be and pull something sexual from it. I get a mild hard-on just from doing it. I watch porn, and masturbate to it, at least once a day. I sneak it in. I can't get a hard on now without doing this - but now even the hard on isn't all that stong. I'm having a hard time even keeping that up. I masturbate, do a quick clean up, and go about my day. No fuss no muss - I delete what I did and what I downloaded and move on. I my addiction is making my sex life "mono". I have completely retrained my fiance to not wanting sex - so I don't even feel the pressure from her anymore. Only in stress-arguments does she bring up the fact that I don't touch her anymore. Every other aspect of our relationship is perfect - our sex life is almost like our dirty little secret. No one would even suspect it - we're very intimate and loving. We completely enjoy each others company and find other ways to fulfill each other. But something is missing. Its the elephant in the room. I don't know how to stop. I've made several attempts - its just so damn easy and quick to get the quick thrill these days. It only takes me 5 minutes to get into a site I want. I've stopped before - like last december - and tried to force myself to want regular sex. It worked for a week, but everything just reset for me. We've been open about everything. She knew about my behavior for a time, and even shared in it for awhile, but it never really lasted. I feel like I'm constantly the dissapointment and I need to man-up and force myself to want sex until I really do. I guess I do want sex - but I don't know how to approach it. I used to be really good - I had a lot of partners and used to thrive on it, I was expert and finding and exploiting all the sweet-spots on a woman to pleasure her. Now I don't feel the motivation to even pet someone. I don't have any interest in any other woman nor made the attempt - my fiance is the only one in my life. I don't know how to even begin to address my issue again - I feel like I need some kind of pornographic nicoderm patch.

03-07-2009, 05:33 PM	#4 (permalink)
cdwonderful another passenger Location: Youngstown, Ohio	ring is right (as always ) therapy is your only real option and your only real hope..... __________________ Never try to teach a pig to whistle it wastes your time, and annoys the pig.....

03-08-2009, 09:16 AM	#5 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	It really sucks when you realize you're doing something harmful to yourself but enjoy it immensely. You're going to have to be mean to yourself and spend plenty of time forcing yourself to not do it. It's worth a try, especially if you say she's that important to you. Life will suck for some time, but hopefully on the other side of it you'll look back and be glad you did it. I'd try therapy...but I think the solution to this issue is in you. I have felt similarly, about things I may do myself that aren't helping me. It's really tough to contradict what has become second nature to you. Good luck. __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

03-08-2009, 09:42 AM	#6 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	I also zeroed in on the use of the word "training" regarding your fiancee's sexual desires. There may be an undercurrent of dominance/submission in the relationship here. Many people enjoy controlling their partner's sexual fulfillment, which is fine as long as both parties are complicit. Mybe take a little time to think about the power and control aspects of pornography and of your relationship to see how big of a component it is. If it's a big one, you can satisfy that urge in a way that might be more fun for your partner, assuming she likes it too. If you decide to give up porn (and I think it's a good idea considering your self-proclaimed addiction) then you need to seal yourself away from it. When you are on a diet, you don't buy a cake and leave it on the kitchen table - or if you do, you shouldn't be surprised when you get hungry and eat it. No, to succeed at your diet you fill your house with healthy food and stay away from the temptation of junk food. When you are addicted to drugs, the first thing you have to do is get away from your using friends, your seller, and all your paraphrenalia, or else you will have too much temptation and give in. Rather than rely entirely on your own willpower here and setting yourself up for failure, put controls into place that will make it harder to get the porn. Consider cancelling your home internet access. I know, it seems like going without oxygen, but you can use the internet at work for email and other important stuff and just watch TV or play games at home. You will not only be safer from porn but you will find yourself with many more hours in the day If you can't bear to be without internet access, then install parental controls on your computer and give your fiancee the passwords. Let her support you here. You've mentioned you like the subterfuge involved in "hacking" your porn so this may not help much, as you may enjoy trying to hack your control software, but it could be worth a try. Anything you can do to help yourself is worth it. You could also set up two user accounts o your computer - one with internet, and one without. The one without internet is yours, the other your finacee's. When you want to use the internet, have her log in as herself and let you use her account for a while. Since it's her account, you will be under supervision and not free to indulge yourself. Whatever method you choose, make sure you know that it is your choice to do this, and do not fall into the trap of blaming your loved ones for trying to help you. Don't yell at her if she tries to remind you that you shouldn't be downloading that video of triple penetration - she's HELPING. Finally, if it turns out that you don't REALLY want to give it up. then find yourself a girl who doesn't want sex. Many, many men bemoan having married a women who will never have sex with them - find one of those girls and enjoy being non-sexual romantic partners. But don't torture your poor fiancee by dangling a promise to quit in front of her eyes if you don't really mean it. __________________ There's no justice. There's just us.

03-08-2009, 12:27 PM	#7 (permalink)
highthief Junkie Location: Ontario, Canada	Why are you even bothering getting married when, given your current situation, it is an almost 100% certainty you'll end up divorced? Get help or break it off. __________________ Si vis pacem parabellum.

03-07-2009, 12:45 PM	#2 (permalink)
ASU2003 immoral minority Location: Back in Ohio	Send me a large external usb hard drive and I'll give you more porn than you can watch. There will be no incentive to waste time getting more because you have lots of movies that you haven't even watched. Or is it a addiction to downloading (aka hording, gathering, saving, collecting)? Some people like collecting more than actually watching. If you are happy with how much porn you currently have, this is where to start first. Have you fiancée install one of those adult-content filters on your computer. Or block it at the ISP level. And take a three or four day vacation with no computers the first few days afterwards. That will break up the routine, then make sure you keep yourself busy after that. The other option is getting therapy or professional consuling. If things don't get better, it might be a good thing to get professional help. There is also the iron fist version over in China. You could get sent away and come back in a few weeks all better, but not quite all there... Internet addiction defined in China, entire Engadget staff now officially certifiable (This is one of my favorite pictures from 2008, that is why I remembered this site.)

03-07-2009, 05:16 PM	#3 (permalink)
ring ░ Location: ❤	You are addicted to porn, and you also get your thrills from hacking into sites. What truly disturbs me, is your claim that, " I have completely retrained my fiance, to not wanting sex." Get thee to a therapist that deals specifically with this type of addiction. He/she will guide you through the process of dealing with that elephant in the room, in a non-judgemental professional way. Couples counseling is going to be vital as well. (have your own therapist that you can build trust with, and talk about things you might not want to say in front of your fiance, and have him/her recommend a different counselor for the couples counseling. You fiance may want or need her own private therapist as well.) There are other options out there, if not being able to afford all this help is an issue.

03-08-2009, 01:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
JamesB Insane Location: Ottawa	Respectfully, you need help. Don't ruin a perfectly healthy and normal persons life with your own failures/shortcomings. Seek help. __________________ -- apt-get install spare_time --

03-08-2009, 01:18 PM	#9 (permalink)
Turpis Upright	^ yeah agreed, P.S. no matter how much you think you have "trained" someone you havent. you should let your broad go if that's the way you feel. she is probably screaming for a lay, and id be surprised if she wasn't getting it from somewhere else.

03-08-2009, 04:42 PM	#10 (permalink)
starbum Tilted	I appreciate the responses. I should clarify the "training"statement - it was not something intentional. What I meant by it was - we struggled with it for awhile and through communication we found compromises. We're both doing our best to re-establish the sexual relationship - the "training" was to reduce pressure on me. We had thought that by reducing the pressure, it would come more naturally. As I have found - that as she reduced the pressure, I found more time to find porn. I've already taken steps to cut myself off from the addiction, I've already been able to quit smoking and drunkenness from my life. I guess what I needed most was someone to say that I wasn't the bad guy - that there were other people out there. I'm disheartened that people automatically assumed that she would cheat - it seems like the whole world has become pessimistic about marriage.

03-08-2009, 05:06 PM	#12 (permalink)
northstar Upright	As much as comedians like to joke about it, porn addiction is an actual serious problem that does get in the way of some people's lives. It has gotten even worse since the internet has made it so easy to access any and every kind of pornographic video with the click of a button. Sure, cheating is always bad. But under these circumstances one can see how a woman could be driven towards that in that she loves you, she doesn't want to break up, but her sexual needs are not being satisfied. It makes it worse if you have the ability to do something about your porn addiction and have not. Regardless, there's no use in looking at hypotheticals and what ifs, really the solution is to kick the porn habit, make your woman feel sexy and most of all have fun with it! If you need professional help to do this, you should not hesitate or be embarrassed about it.

03-08-2009, 08:18 PM	#14 (permalink)
MacGuyver You're going to have to trust me! Location: Massachusetts	I'd like to take a minute to remind the lot of you that this is someone coming here looking for help, not for an irresponsible amount of ridicule. If you feel a certain way, try to be polite about a person who is opening up to us with a serious problem. I struggled from this, and my relationship ended. I'm not going to blame and make excuses for why it ended but that's probably one of the indirect factors that at the very least affected my attitude towards how I acted around other people. I'm not saying your hopes are dashed but you certainly need to do something about the problem or you will end up without the relationship anymore. Some people are going to disagree with me, but I think that a big thing about addiction is having the ability to get over the problem by yourself and on your own willpower. This isn't to say that you are completely alone in the world, but even if you have the best network of friends, best therapists... they cannot get over YOUR addiction FOR you. You need to find a catalyst that will push you to the point of getting over your problems. There has to be something in your life that will make you realize that you need to get over the STUPID things in life. Hopefully you will ask yourself... "What is more important, watching porn or my relationship? or having a family? or succeeding with my goals?" Because with any addiction, the addiction will start to get in the way of major things in your life, and you need to get to the point where you re-evaluate your priorities. __________________ We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit. ---Aristotle Deeds, not words, shall speak [for] me. ---John Fletcher

03-10-2009, 01:11 AM	#17 (permalink)
Starkizzer Hi floor! Make me a samwich. Location: Ontario (in the stray cat complex)	I think my main question when reading this was does your prospective wife know why it is that you have lost your sex drive? I know you say that she knew about your behavior previously and that she joined you in these exercises for a while, but does she know or realize the full implications of them or the fact that you are doing this instead of having sex with her? I don't feel that anyone has any right to judge you for an addiction, but I do believe that those who have suggested therapy have the right idea. If this continues and you realize that it is causing detrimental effects to your relationship than that is when you have to take on some of this fault. No your not the "bad guy" but if you keep putting your partner through this then you are being selfish and will be the bad guy. Get couple counseling before you relationship suffers anymore. Did any of the 85% of stuff have any similar thrill for you? Does any taboo activities give you this thrill. If so perhaps try focusing on those and trying to modify them to really thrill you. Good luck buddy __________________ Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey Last edited by Starkizzer; 03-10-2009 at 01:16 AM..

03-10-2009, 08:24 AM	#18 (permalink)
MacGuyver You're going to have to trust me! Location: Massachusetts	Maybe if you find something else that gives you a thrill then you can right yourself. This might be a stupid idea but, try to replace the trill of pornography with the trill of something else, I don't know, rock climbing, parachuting out of an airplane, you get my drift. Then maybe you won't need porn for your thrills, and you'll be able to move away from it and have a normal sex life with your SO. __________________ We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit. ---Aristotle Deeds, not words, shall speak [for] me. ---John Fletcher

03-10-2009, 09:04 AM	#19 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	You are suffering from a compulsive behavior disorder that has damaged your relationship and you are not in a healthy relationship. You need professional help that we are not qualified to provide.

03-20-2009, 12:57 AM	#25 (permalink)
belle_enigma Upright	__________ Last edited by belle_enigma; 09-11-2010 at 06:33 PM..

03-10-2009, 10:24 AM	#20 (permalink)
Shaindra Psycho Location: Massachusetts	Addictions are addictions. Anytime anything you do that you can't seem to stop damages your life/relationships/career, it's an addiction. Step 1 is always admit you have a problem. Dude, you definitely have a problem. If you can't quit, get help. You don't want to be the guy who loses his marriage because of porn. __________________ "Never regret something that once made you smile."

03-10-2009, 05:00 PM	#21 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Whatever you do, please postpone your marriage until you have resolved this issue. Your future wife doesn't deserve this. Neither does your present fiancee, but I know you're addressing that already. I highly recommend counseling specifically for this issue, individually for you and additionally for both of you as a couple. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

03-11-2009, 10:18 AM	#22 (permalink)
starbum Tilted	Thank you all again, if any message you have given me has risen to the top - its that this is an urgent matter that requires my complete attention. Its day 4 now and I haven't looked at any porn. I have not masturbated either, and as each day passes - that's getting harder. The old feelings of wanting to be touched are returning - testosterone is building - and I've gotten morning wood for the first time in a year. Sure, I'm sharing a lot, but I find it fascinating at how much my body is responding to this. I've deleted everything I have related to porn, including all of my tools and links. I've even avoided watching regular movies that might have nudity in them, just as part of my "probation" with myself. I've started talking about my struggle to my fiance. Mostly, I've let her know that I don't want her help in this. I want to defeat this on my own - call my own shots - and make my advancements on her without her prompt. I want to be the proactive one, something to look back on and be proud of what I did. Its amazing to look at how easy it is to see porn. I remember waking up late and STILL finding enough time to find a quick video, get off, and leave for work on time. It really was an addiction, I didn't even think twice about it - it had become routine. I'm seeing how destructive that has been. I'm not saying this is easy. Its really hard. My body is starting to wake up after a long-long sexual sleep and its screaming for attention. I'm not going to give it that until I know I can fulfill its needs with only my partner. I've broken up with my hands and not calling them again.

03-11-2009, 02:02 PM	#23 (permalink)
northstar Upright	That's the attitude! Keep it up! If for some reason you relapse a little bit remember to stay positive about your progress and not get discouraged that your not perfect, but never stop trying. Regardless, it seems like you recognize the seriousness of your problem and are on your way to fixing it. Cheers!

03-12-2009, 02:21 PM	#24 (permalink)
Shaindra Psycho Location: Massachusetts	I would also consider looking into some personal therapy to find out why you were addicted...otherwise you may find yourself with an unwelcome attraction to some other bad habit to fill the void. But you've taken the first step. You're not in denial and that in itself is huge for people with addiction issues. Good luck! __________________ "Never regret something that once made you smile."

03-22-2009, 12:48 AM	#26 (permalink)
shazam75 Upright	I think you should find a hobby to take some time away from porn at least - there are so many hobbies out there - just look for it on the net for all kinds of hobbies - aim is to take your mind off porn even for a small time.