starbum

I have a problem that seems to be affecting me more and more as the days go on. I've been in a long relationship and I'll be married within a few months - I mention this to establish that I'm in a stable relationship where most of my needs are met. Here is the problem - we've almost completely stopped having sex. Its almost become once a month - if that. Its caused a lot of tension and arguments in our relationship - she wants more sex than I'm able to give. I've completely lost my sex drive - or so I think. Its not for a lack of want - I'm just finding it harder and harder to become aroused and stay aroused. As soon as we start an attempt at sex - something clicks inside me and I want to get away. Touching and playing around just feels "wet" - not good.

Those are the symptoms. Here is my addiction that may be fueling this. I'm completely and utterly addicted to porn. Its a thrill. Its so much variety - so much stuff that is off the wayside to appease every single whim. We've even tried 85% of the weird stuff, so its not from a lack of appeasing fetishes. We try it once and move on. I love hacking into websites and pulling all the free porn - Its a sense of accomplishment to be where I'm not supposed to be and pull something sexual from it. I get a mild hard-on just from doing it. I watch porn, and masturbate to it, at least once a day. I sneak it in. I can't get a hard on now without doing this - but now even the hard on isn't all that stong. I'm having a hard time even keeping that up. I masturbate, do a quick clean up, and go about my day. No fuss no muss - I delete what I did and what I downloaded and move on.

I my addiction is making my sex life "mono". I have completely retrained my fiance to not wanting sex - so I don't even feel the pressure from her anymore. Only in stress-arguments does she bring up the fact that I don't touch her anymore. Every other aspect of our relationship is perfect - our sex life is almost like our dirty little secret. No one would even suspect it - we're very intimate and loving. We completely enjoy each others company and find other ways to fulfill each other. But something is missing. Its the elephant in the room.

I don't know how to stop. I've made several attempts - its just so damn easy and quick to get the quick thrill these days. It only takes me 5 minutes to get into a site I want. I've stopped before - like last december - and tried to force myself to want regular sex. It worked for a week, but everything just reset for me.

We've been open about everything. She knew about my behavior for a time, and even shared in it for awhile, but it never really lasted. I feel like I'm constantly the dissapointment and I need to man-up and force myself to want sex until I really do. I guess I do want sex - but I don't know how to approach it. I used to be really good - I had a lot of partners and used to thrive on it, I was expert and finding and exploiting all the sweet-spots on a woman to pleasure her. Now I don't feel the motivation to even pet someone. I don't have any interest in any other woman nor made the attempt - my fiance is the only one in my life. I don't know how to even begin to address my issue again - I feel like I need some kind of pornographic nicoderm patch.