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Thank you all again, if any message you have given me has risen to the top - its that this is an urgent matter that requires my complete attention.
Its day 4 now and I haven't looked at any porn. I have not masturbated either, and as each day passes - that's getting harder. The old feelings of *wanting* to be touched are returning - testosterone is building - and I've gotten morning wood for the first time in a year. Sure, I'm sharing a lot, but I find it fascinating at how much my body is responding to this. I've deleted everything I have related to porn, including all of my tools and links. I've even avoided watching regular movies that might have nudity in them, just as part of my "probation" with myself.
I've started talking about my struggle to my fiance. Mostly, I've let her know that I don't want her help in this. I want to defeat this on my own - call my own shots - and make my advancements on her without her prompt. I want to be the proactive one, something to look back on and be proud of what I did.
Its amazing to look at how easy it is to see porn. I remember waking up late and STILL finding enough time to find a quick video, get off, and leave for work on time. It really was an addiction, I didn't even think twice about it - it had become routine. I'm seeing how destructive that has been.
I'm not saying this is easy. Its really hard. My body is starting to wake up after a long-long sexual sleep and its screaming for attention. I'm not going to give it that until I know I can fulfill its needs with only my partner. I've broken up with my hands and not calling them again.
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