kennusion

I've been a long-time member of this forum. I feel like all of you are extremely interesting and intelligent. I love this place.

I actually don't have a whole lot of people to talk to about this, so I felt like you guys would be willing listeners and give me any feedback. I just wanted to tell the story, ask a few questions, and see if anyone could relate to me about any of it. I really respect all of what you guys have to say.

I'm 19, I lost my virginity last night with someone I met that very night. She was really cool and even someone who I didn't see as in my reach. We were both drunk. Although.. she was a lot more drunk than I was. I was drunk but very, very stoned.

I've had other sexual encounters, but would only go up to fondling. The last time I had a chance to have sex, I had whiskey dick. It was pretty embarrassing.

I think I get anxiety problems right before putting on a condom. I've actually practiced putting them on before, but I have so much more trouble doing it otherwise. I would do it in front of her and have troubles keeping it entirely up. Last time it was more of whiskey dick, but now I think I realize the other problem is-- It's just sex.

I felt awkward because I was only physically attracted to her. The fact that there was no love behind any of it would come into mind and then would keep me from being entirely aroused. I actually went through two other condoms before getting one on properly. It was pretty embarrassing, and she could tell I was being frustrated. She just kept telling me to not worry about it and would ask me why it even matters. It was a strange moment when I actually thought about that question.

Anyway, is it even ideal to put a condom on when fully aroused? I wasn't sure about that. I definitely lose some of it when struggling to put it on due to sheer discomfort.

You know what's also weird? I think due to watching enough porn and surfing through TFP back in the day was enough to do a damn good job. I had went down on her and it seemed like I was doing a pretty good job. She seemed to really enjoy the sex itself. I had realized during it all that I'm actually pretty good at it. I felt like I was straight out of Revenge of the Nerds. I don't have the biggest tool, but apparently I knew how to use it. It was pretty bad sex for me though. Condoms are terrible. I couldn't really feel anything and didn't ever come, either. We stopped actually due to slippage and accidentally ramming myself into her.. or.. er.. not so much into her, actually. It was kind of awkward and I think it hurt her, too. Despite that, I felt pretty bad-ass about how I did for the first time. I didn't get much physical pleasure out of it, but really enjoyed giving it.

So after the sex, it was kind of awkward. I think it's just because I'm weird.. but right after that, we started talking about each other's lives. I'm not sure how it started, but we just kept talking and learning about each other. She even stopped me and said "Do you realize how strange this is? Usually people either have a cigarette or just go to sleep, but instead you decide to talk about life with me." I was also at a friend's house at the time, sleeping over after a party there. At one point, she also told me to not tell anyone we had sex, especially since the house we were in was a friend who she said has a big mouth and will tell everyone. It seemed like an understandable thing to ask, but then she said "and if you tell anyone, I'll rip your tongue and and stick it up your ass." After that, I just felt awkward. I started to realize "Well, shit, maybe this wasn't such a great idea," since it was fairly uncomfortable for me to hear that on top of realizing that it was a one night stand. It was hard to interpret, since she sounded serious and somewhat lax about it at the same time. She did seem to appreciate our talk and I don't think she said it because she wanted to pretend it never happened, but just to keep others from knowing. I think this because we had hanged out the next morning. She even gave me a kiss goodbye, which was pretty unexpected. She lives in my home town, and I was only visiting for a weekend, so we didn't expect to see each other again anytime soon.

Okay. so a few things I wanted to address.

1. I don't know how to fall asleep with a girl. I actually stayed up all night holding onto her and thinking to myself. I've actually read up on comfortable positions you can cuddle, but it didn't really help. I just couldn't sleep in any of the positions. I had too much on my mind, on top of everything. This has happened to me three times now. I'd hardly get any sleep unless I decide to let go and ball up on the side, which I really wouldn't want to do because I enjoy the body contact.

2. I feel a bit uncomfortable knowing my first time was the way it was, especially when she was drunk. Although I do think she sobered up by the end of the night, and she also treated me with kindness the next morning. I do wonder if I did take advantage of a drunk girl. I really hope not. I'd like to know the truth, though. I also wasn't that drunk/stoned anymore.

3. Is there any way to make sex with a condom.. enjoyable? Maybe a brand/type or something I should do to make it at all pleasurable for myself? I think only once did it feel nice, but otherwise I felt like I was fucking a hole in a wall.


4. Have any of you had to keep yourself from telling anyone about good sex you had lately? I kept true to my word and didn't tell anyone, not even my friend who lived there. He just kept badgering me and asking me if we had sex. I would constantly say "no comment," and not tell him anything. He then just assumed I didn't have sex at all, although he was still skeptical. It was kind of disappointing that I couldn't tell him. I also disliked that I really wanted to tell him, as if she were some sort of trophy. I hate other people treating girls like that, and I realized that I may be a bit of a hypocrite. I'm really the nice guy. I don't think I'd ever cheat on a girl and I don't objectify them.

I hope you guys enjoyed reading this. It's pretty lengthy, so it's okay if you don't have the willpower to read it all. I just wanted to tell my story and have a few questions answered. Thanks for your time you guys!

Nisses

1) I dunno if you ever saw the episode of Friends where Ross had the same problem? In each case: fall asleep the way you fall asleep. An arm draped across her should suffice, you're still supposed to recuperate while sleeping, that's what it's for. Stop worrying so much.
2) You were both somewhat off of it, and you both seem to have enjoyed it. Doesn't seem to me like you did. Even so, if you find yourself asking this question, then next time you probably should think twice before doing it. Too late to do anything about it now, and she doesn't seem to mind. Stop worrying so much.
3) One, mild anxiety/drinks/stoned/first time/... and you are surprised it wasn't all that great? keep at it, and lose half the intoxicants and you'll do just fine And stop practicing fucking a hole in the wall.
4) See, this is not about a trophy girl. It's about a trophy act *with* a girl. As far as I know it's about the "alright, I scored" more than who it was with. (which seems somewhat shallow, but doesn't hold a tone of objectification for me). Stop worrying so much.

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Makia

I can't relate to much of this, but can answer #1 by pointing out that unfortunately some people just can't fall asleep while pushed up against someone else. The b/f and I just can't fall asleep while cuddling, as much as we'd like to. Some people just need their space.

Then again, in your case, it could be just the circumstances. But as Nisses said, it's not something you should stress over.

lotsofmagnets

1) i´m the same, i just need my space. it´s nothing personal.

2)you were drunk and stoned. was she taking advantage of you?

3)again i agree. lose most of the substances and gain a sense of feeling. mind you 2 may have simply not been a match. just a possibility

4)i bet she was telling her friends. it´s not like you´re dishonouring someone. she´s only a trophy if that´s what you make of her. it makes no difference if the world knows you had sex or not.

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mixedmedia

1. I think you're just anxious and unfamiliar with sleeping with another person. This will pass.

2. Well, like nisses said, it seems like everything turned out okay, but you should be cautious about this in the future. Especially if you don't know the girl very well.

3. I don't have a penis, so I can't really help you with this one.

4. I keep from telling people about good sex I've had all the time. Again, maybe this is a guy thing...

Overall, I'd say you're just nervous and over-thinking things a bit. But, it's natural. It will pass as you become more comfortable with sex.

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Tully Mars

1. This will become more natural over time. You can read all you want, nothing trumps experience.

2. The number of people who lost it while drunk and or stoned is likely pretty high. If you took advantage of her or she felt that way I don't think she'd have been all that friendly the next morning. Sounds like you both had your share of beverages. I wouldn't read more into this then need be.

3. NO, condoms suck. Like eating a banana leaving the peel on, just not natural. But they suck way less then the thought of getting an STD.

4. Keep your mouth shut and honor her request. If you blab, against her wishes, maybe you'll fell like the "big man on campus" but this won't last long. And believe it or not women talk to each other. Once she starts telling all her friends you're not to be trusted... well, lets just say you might want to stock up on porn and hand lotion.

BTW- congrats on getting some last night. I spent the night watching TV.

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PlanG

There are condoms called bareback. They're supposed to be pretty good.
Less rare are durex featherlites (I think they're the thinnest they do.. might be even thinner ones!)


My first time was very very very drunk, and I barely felt anything (or don't remember feeling anything ).
Somehow I still managed to come in about 10 minutes despite the alcohol numbness.. impressive lack of stamina for a drunken person! :/

If you're properly trounced, I doubt you even close to took advantage.. you wouldn't be able to

xepherys

1. Everyone above pretty much nailed it. I can usually spoon and fall asleep comfortably, but often I roll over and let our backs touch. It's still nice contact, but let's you move around a bit more for comfort.

2. I don't buy the whole "taking advantage" line. First, you were BOTH intoxicated/high. So it's a bit of a moot point. However, even if only one of you was drunk, that person still CHOSE to drink, knowing the outcome is a lack of sensibilities to one degree or another. If you drink and have sex, it's still a choice. *shrug*

3. I never enjoy myself terribly with condoms. However, I also tend to have longer relationships. I've had sex a VERY few times with girls I either didn't know well or had no intention of sticking around. In this case you just have to pray for a little satisfaction.

4. If she doesn't want anything said, then yes, stay quiet about it. I think that's surely the honorable thing to do. Looking at girls as trophies is a sure way to be an asshat. If it happens again, maybe she won't mind as much?

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Halx

Once you get your brain out of the situation, you'll do a lot better in all areas. With enough practice, sex will be about your intentions, not your worries.

I cannot fall asleep with another person's body heat on me, so don't feel so bad.

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telekinetic

Regarding Q.1:

I usually lay on my back and let my 'girl side' arm (well, wife side now) be straight out under her neck (her on her back also), as kind of a bicep neck pillow. This should be comfortable for you to sleep, even if she's laying on her back, and it puts the ball in her court:

if she rolls with her back towards you, you can spoon or bend your elbow and grab a boob or shoulder
If she rolls into you, she can put her head on your chest and you can curl your arm around and put it on top of her hip.

It is more awkward with a first time companion, but I seem to remember following that general flow chart in my singler and more promiscuous days with great success.

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ratbastid

Q1: My favorite position is spooned behind her, my "down" arm underneath her head, and my "up" arm around her torso. I can hardly sleep if I don't have a hand on at least one boob. There have been times when that has been surprising to the occasional new bed-companion I've had.

The thing is, your brain is going "Oh my god. Girl. Oh my god." and preventing you from falling asleep. Normal. That'll pass after a while when you have a regular bed-mate.

Q2: "Taken advantage" (like "rape" and "sexual harassment") is ENTIRELY in the eye of the beholder. Literally, and LEGALLY, if she says it was rape, it was rape. If she says it was sexual harassment, it was sexual harassment. It doesn't sound like she regrets it, so stop thinking so damn hard.

The other questions, I have nothing much to provide.

Redlemon

Thanks for opening up to us about this. It's great to have a place to talk about sex.

Most of my answers have been taken by people posting before me, so I'll only touch on this one:
Don't stop the foreplay just because you are putting a condom on. Ask her to lick your balls while you put it on, or tweak your nipples, or just keep talking dirty, or... something. Whatever keeps you going. Even ask her to put the condom onto you.

Basically, incorporate the condom into your play.

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creepysusie

sometimes we will get unlubricated condoms and i will put it on him with my mouth. He likes that

I mean, you were in a very inebriated point in time and given the right person and circumstance, it's better. Try being sober for sex. It makes it much better. All your senses are alert and you can focus on what you are doing (rather than just "ramming into her").

Sex/Making love is not as super serious, romantic or necessarily as passionate as movies make it out to be. Farts, sounds, giggles and ticklish things happen. The important thing is to have fun.

As for the condom, maybe you aren't getting the right kind? size may be a problem as well. One too small will cut off blood flow and restrict feeling, one too big may slip or just feel more uncomfortable than normal. Try an ultra sensitive condom or one of a thinner material. I definately do not recommend not using a condom unless you are in a committed relationship with someone whose sexual background is clean. Getting pregnant or an STD due to stupidity is no excuse.

As a girl, I tell my girlfriends sexual experiences and exchange tips and knowledge with them to improve on my own skills. Talking happens with us, but we are all in committed relationships so we don't necessarily consider it as "a trophy" but rather an act that happens.

Radio Monk33

A few comments:
As others have said, sleeping with another person in the bed is hard. I remember reading in the papers that scientists say its not good for sleep, is unnatural, but in the end people still enjoy doing it. Acquired skill I say.

As for sex with condoms, it can be pretty awful. I don't even like the thin condoms, but what I do enjoy (if needed) is the polyurethane condoms. Very thin, fit a bit looser, and conduct heat better. Far closer to the real deal imo. Abit more expensive though at a few bucks a pop..but hey its a cheap price for sex!

As for your ethical concerns..the fact that you're thinking about it shows your character.

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kennusion

Thank you all for responding. Yeah, I guess I just felt like overthinking stuff and made it seem like I was worrying too much. I guess I may have been.

Radio Monk, what did you mean by it showed my character? I guess I can't connect the dots, since I was interpreting it in different ways.

You guys are pretty bad-ass.

surferlove007

Haha, the hand on the boob makes me laugh. Even though James and I don't spoon when we sleep, usually after the first snooze he wraps his arms around me and usually one hand is always on my boob haha. Funny.

ruggerp11

If you weren't worried about taking advantage or struggling with the issues associated with having sex with a really drunk stranger it would indicate that you didnt' give a shit and give us insight into your amoral self. SInce you were struggling it says that you're a caring guy and concerned about others around you.
Overall though...
Bravo sir. One down the rest to go

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868686

I would just like to say I am in the exact same position as you. I won't reveal my age, I would just like to say I am a bit younger than you. I am having problems finishing, I have been watching porn for more than half my life now -- she turns me on, I have given up porn and masturbation (as unhealthy as it is), and her pussy is wonderful. It really seems like a mental block on my part, so I am trying as much as I can. Sensation lube, thinner rubbers, more foreplay, and less distraction from arousal. I haven't touched myself or watched porn in the last 3 weeks or so now, so I plan to blow my load very very soon. Anymore tips would be wonderful, and if you could, even PM me anything you've got. I would be so pleased. Literally.

Martian

Which either means you're eighteen or you don't belong here.

Masturbation is unhealthy? That's news to me.

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thespian86

It's actually biological; heat-seeking hand. Every man is born, ready to unconsciously fondle their SO's breast. Well, I do it, and James does it, therefore everyone does it right? We are practically the model of every man, don't you know. Like Jesus, but less shiny.

To the OP. Relax. Sex is scary at first, at least it was for me, and in a situation like that you have even less to fall back on because it is likely to be uncomfortable during what would normally be very intimate moments (not all sex is like this, I'm just under the impression that having a support system like a gf/bf to have your back makes things much less stressful). Which would explain the "that was so embarrassing" moments that happened more then once.

There is no science to how you run your life, there is no "bro code" (it's a douche-y word for "decency between friends"), and sex is certainly not paint by numbers. To you I say "be yourself".

Then you say "But, wait..."

To which I reply "Bu..bu...but BE YOURSELF!". That's it man. If you like cuddling, do it; if you don't forget it. If she asks you not to tell anyone, you can choose to ignore that or be kind about it. Just be yourself. I know it seems like a woman would be saying "this isn't the right way to do it"
but women are like a kinder, prettier, better smelling version of us; they are all different. So just... do what you do.

Thats my advice. Adhere by all of these rules! /irony.

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868686

I meant unhealthy cos I'm not doing it. Mind my age, I would like to break down my issues and deal with my sex.

thespian86

We are "minding your age" dude. Your age and inexperience makes you think there is a need to break down your sexual experiences but really the only issue you have is being convinced you have issues. Be truer to yourself, stop doubting how you feel, and how you act. That's why we are saying what we are saying.

In "show-business" they have a saying that goes "Strong but wrong". Pretty much that means no one will be able to tell you are unsure, or that you made a mistake, unless you show it in your actions. There is nothing less sexy then someone who doesn't know what they want or what they are. I know you think at your age it's hard to tell but it isn't. It will certainly change a lot over the next few years, I'm still there with you, but instead of focusing on what ifs and intangibles, focus on what and who you are and all of those what ifs won't matter. Think big picture.

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Shaindra

1. You get used to sleeping with someone. But if it isn't a regular thing, it is OK to cuddle for a bit and then separate to sleep. Perhaps sleeping butt to butt for a little contact during the night.

2. If she didn't have a problem with what happened, then it was fine.

3. Other than some of the very expensive brands, a little trick to try is to apply some lube to the head and glans of your penis before putting on the condom. Also, make sure that you're wearing a condom that's big enough, as a too-small condom is no fun for anybody.

4. I *hate* when I can't tell anyone that I just had raucous, mind-blowing sex. But then again, that's what TFP is for! Feel free to come here and tell us *all* about it. We promise not to tell. ;-)

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Kpax

#3, no... and #4, like you, no...

I would definitely see boasting and bragging as objectifying as well.

I know that half the reason some guys get with women is to tell their buddies, but for me I always wanted to so I would feel loved by someone, even if I know that she doesn't love me. Well, it didn't work that way. I still feel quite cold and lonely. One night lasts... for one night.

Best to make sure that you don't come away from that "one night" with something painful that will last "for many nights," and so this point goes back to #3 and the compromise.

I agree with you on that one. It's certainly not healthy, at least mentally, to build up a lust for something you don't have easy access to. Guys like myself, who have no social skills, make a mature decision to keep from "fueling the fire." In fact, if I accidentally see something arousing it agonizes me. I try to forget it by shooting myself with my spring gun (I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS AT ALL). A shy guy with no social skills, like me, will be even more awkward in public if he feels guilty about something.

surferlove007

Fascinating! Men are hard-wired for the boob grabs. Haha. Does that explain why you guys are almost always up for copping a feel?

Tully Mars

Yes.

If that's true I'm screwed.

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Nisses

one more vote for the heat-seaking hand here!

Tully/Martian: I think he meant that holding off on masturbation is unhealthy .

Shaindra has a good point: Tell us if you can't tell anybody else

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neuSin

Probably the best and most comforting explanation for sex i've heard so far

now kennusion, sleeping next to someone differs from person to person, but it's usually more comfortable with someone you know personally. same goes for putting on a condom, if both of you are comfortable with each other this won't even be an issue. initially i had the same issue, but i quickly realized its no biggie, seriously! sex is supposed to be physically and emotionally rewarding, and fun!

some condoms harder to put on than others, if the diameter is a little too small for comfort - change your brand until you find a good size. also, slow down, take your time. don't feel pressured for time. one trick i like to do: take the condom out, move closer to your partner - skin contact is important! kiss them on the cheek, lips or/and neck. and sit between their legs, or if standing move up right next to them so skin touches. the idea is to arouse both of you, keep the mood flowing. it's a good way to keep both of your minds on track while you put it on. i still do that even though i dont need to.

one more tip, get a girlfriend that's willing to experiment with you! i went from virgin to fanatic in a few months, and lasted for a few years. and it's much easier with someone special, someone you can laugh with if something goes 'wrong'

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thespian86

Wait, you mean, what you call, "copping a feel" isn't natural either! Damn you mother nature.

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Tully Mars

Whew! that's good to hear!

Slight thread jack...

Years ago I was in the Navy with a really nice young man from Utah. One day he was complaining about missing his wife. I told him the old joke "a recent survey found 90% of males masturbate and the other 10% lie on surveys." Three freaking days later he came up to me and said "I don't think that's right. I don't do that." "Do what? What are you talking about?" He leaned in so no one else could hear him and said "masturbate, I don't do that." "Dude- it was just a joke."

This guy sat around for three days thinking about a stupid joke and it obviously bothered him... a lot. Taint religion great!

He was a really nice guy but I often wonder if he ever ended up on a tall building with a high powered rifle.

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Zegel

Hey, thought I would throw my two cents out there since I have experienced or still experience some of these same issues

1. I don't know how to fall asleep with a girl...

Been living/sleeping with my wife for about five years now, and I still have this issue. I sleep best if I have a little bit of space around me; if we squeeze together tightly, like we typically do after sex, I have a much harder time falling asleep.

2. I feel a bit uncomfortable knowing my first time was the way it was...

Sounds like you had some preconceived notion of what your first time should be like, and it didnt come true. What do you feel was lacking? Just the fact that you were both drunk, or were you looking to have your first time with someone that meant more to you? If it was the latter, dont stress it too much. Look at it this way: When you do find that someone special, you'll be able to please her a hell of a lot better than you would have if it were your first time.

3. Is there any way to make sex with a condom.. enjoyable?

Yes, Brand/type can be an issue. I found sex to be awkward/unenjoyable with Trojans, but great with Durex. Everyone's different though. More importantly, the first few times I used a condom I had a hard time concentrating on anything but the awkward feeling of the condom. Eventually the self-consciousness goes away and it does get to be more enjoyable. Maybe not as enjoyable as without a bag, but as others have said, better than the alternatives.


4. Have any of you had to keep yourself from telling anyone about good sex you had lately?

Havent experienced this lately, sorry. If she asked that you dont tell anyone, I would strongly suggest that you dont. Gossip travels fast, and when it gets back to her that you've been talking, every girl she knows is going to hear about how you treat girls/sex as trophies.

Milnoc

Kudos on this piece of advice. Once I found the right size condom and amount of lube to apply on the inside, the difference between using a condom and not using one became so small that its use became a no-brainer.

BTW, the "no condom" technique was practiced ONLY during a steady relationship. I'm not taking any chances with this issue. Some of the diseases you can catch out there can be deadly!

Jenna

http://www.ripnroll.com/trojanribbed2.htm

These are great, the only kind my boyfriend will even use.