kennusion

I've been a long-time member of this forum. I feel like all of you are extremely interesting and intelligent. I love this place.

I actually don't have a whole lot of people to talk to about this, so I felt like you guys would be willing listeners and give me any feedback. I just wanted to tell the story, ask a few questions, and see if anyone could relate to me about any of it. I really respect all of what you guys have to say.

I'm 19, I lost my virginity last night with someone I met that very night. She was really cool and even someone who I didn't see as in my reach. We were both drunk. Although.. she was a lot more drunk than I was. I was drunk but very, very stoned.

I've had other sexual encounters, but would only go up to fondling. The last time I had a chance to have sex, I had whiskey dick. It was pretty embarrassing.

I think I get anxiety problems right before putting on a condom. I've actually practiced putting them on before, but I have so much more trouble doing it otherwise. I would do it in front of her and have troubles keeping it entirely up. Last time it was more of whiskey dick, but now I think I realize the other problem is-- It's just sex.

I felt awkward because I was only physically attracted to her. The fact that there was no love behind any of it would come into mind and then would keep me from being entirely aroused. I actually went through two other condoms before getting one on properly. It was pretty embarrassing, and she could tell I was being frustrated. She just kept telling me to not worry about it and would ask me why it even matters. It was a strange moment when I actually thought about that question.

Anyway, is it even ideal to put a condom on when fully aroused? I wasn't sure about that. I definitely lose some of it when struggling to put it on due to sheer discomfort.

You know what's also weird? I think due to watching enough porn and surfing through TFP back in the day was enough to do a damn good job. I had went down on her and it seemed like I was doing a pretty good job. She seemed to really enjoy the sex itself. I had realized during it all that I'm actually pretty good at it. I felt like I was straight out of Revenge of the Nerds. I don't have the biggest tool, but apparently I knew how to use it. It was pretty bad sex for me though. Condoms are terrible. I couldn't really feel anything and didn't ever come, either. We stopped actually due to slippage and accidentally ramming myself into her.. or.. er.. not so much into her, actually. It was kind of awkward and I think it hurt her, too. Despite that, I felt pretty bad-ass about how I did for the first time. I didn't get much physical pleasure out of it, but really enjoyed giving it.

So after the sex, it was kind of awkward. I think it's just because I'm weird.. but right after that, we started talking about each other's lives. I'm not sure how it started, but we just kept talking and learning about each other. She even stopped me and said "Do you realize how strange this is? Usually people either have a cigarette or just go to sleep, but instead you decide to talk about life with me." I was also at a friend's house at the time, sleeping over after a party there. At one point, she also told me to not tell anyone we had sex, especially since the house we were in was a friend who she said has a big mouth and will tell everyone. It seemed like an understandable thing to ask, but then she said "and if you tell anyone, I'll rip your tongue and and stick it up your ass." After that, I just felt awkward. I started to realize "Well, shit, maybe this wasn't such a great idea," since it was fairly uncomfortable for me to hear that on top of realizing that it was a one night stand. It was hard to interpret, since she sounded serious and somewhat lax about it at the same time. She did seem to appreciate our talk and I don't think she said it because she wanted to pretend it never happened, but just to keep others from knowing. I think this because we had hanged out the next morning. She even gave me a kiss goodbye, which was pretty unexpected. She lives in my home town, and I was only visiting for a weekend, so we didn't expect to see each other again anytime soon.

Okay. so a few things I wanted to address.

1. I don't know how to fall asleep with a girl. I actually stayed up all night holding onto her and thinking to myself. I've actually read up on comfortable positions you can cuddle, but it didn't really help. I just couldn't sleep in any of the positions. I had too much on my mind, on top of everything. This has happened to me three times now. I'd hardly get any sleep unless I decide to let go and ball up on the side, which I really wouldn't want to do because I enjoy the body contact.

2. I feel a bit uncomfortable knowing my first time was the way it was, especially when she was drunk. Although I do think she sobered up by the end of the night, and she also treated me with kindness the next morning. I do wonder if I did take advantage of a drunk girl. I really hope not. I'd like to know the truth, though. I also wasn't that drunk/stoned anymore.

3. Is there any way to make sex with a condom.. enjoyable? Maybe a brand/type or something I should do to make it at all pleasurable for myself? I think only once did it feel nice, but otherwise I felt like I was fucking a hole in a wall.


4. Have any of you had to keep yourself from telling anyone about good sex you had lately? I kept true to my word and didn't tell anyone, not even my friend who lived there. He just kept badgering me and asking me if we had sex. I would constantly say "no comment," and not tell him anything. He then just assumed I didn't have sex at all, although he was still skeptical. It was kind of disappointing that I couldn't tell him. I also disliked that I really wanted to tell him, as if she were some sort of trophy. I hate other people treating girls like that, and I realized that I may be a bit of a hypocrite. I'm really the nice guy. I don't think I'd ever cheat on a girl and I don't objectify them.

I hope you guys enjoyed reading this. It's pretty lengthy, so it's okay if you don't have the willpower to read it all. I just wanted to tell my story and have a few questions answered. Thanks for your time you guys!