what do you do....

[mandy]

ok, let me rephrase that rather....

what do you do when you think the best thing you can do for yourself is break up with the one person who is such a part of your life and has been so for a very long time... your soul mate

chances are, that i will never break up with him but what do you do, what do you tell yourself, if you know that it would be the best thing for both of you?

[ShaniFaye]

whoa.....are you talking about YOU?

Im of the impression if its your soul mate, there is no "it wasnt working out"

[mandy]

yes, i'm talking about me and healer...

[Charlatan]

I don't really believe in the concept of a soul mate. A relationship is either working or not. The idea that you are destined to spend your life with any one person is a construct that does more harm than good.

The emotion LOVE can wreak havoc if you let it (not to say it isn't good to just give in an enjoy).

When I married my wife I refused to take a vow that would commit me to loving her forever. I promised to love her a much as I could for as long as I could.

So far, I have been in love with her for almost 20 years.


So Mandy, I am suggesting that if things didn't work out. You should be sad about the loss. Mourn for a relationship but then pick yourself up and find someone else. It may take time, but that's how it works.

You will love again.

[mandy]

but thats just the thing...i don't know if i ever will. i can almost guarantee that i will never love the same. i will never feel the same about anyone and i doubt i'll want to.

it's freakin' weird and my tears just wont stop falling because just the thought of being without him is tearing me apart. i don't wana get hurt again. my emotional strands are wearing thin and if they break, i doubt i'll ever be able to come back from that.

and i'm a bouncer you know, whatever the cards of like may be...i deal with it and move on.

but this, i really feel that there'll be no more left of me if those strands break.

[ShaniFaye]

No you are right, you will never love the "same". I in no way feel about Dave like I did with my ex husband. But I can tell you from experience that all the "love" and trials I went thru with my ex prepared me to know that when I met Dave he WAS my soulmate...immediatley. There is nothing that says there isnt more than one soulmate for a person.

I "thought" my soulmate was my first husband, but spending 16 years with him taught me that I was dead wrong.

Whether or not thats true....I will agree with Charlatan on one thing....Mourn from the relationship...but also take the opportunity to learn from it. Remember the good but learn from the bad.

I'm so so sorry for how you are feeling right now. Cry it out, dont try to hold it in. There is nothing that says you cant still care about him...and maybe you always will. I still care about my ex hubby but thats the extent of it.

You are going to get hurt again in life, thats just the way life works. Expect it, but dont be scared of it.

[cadre]

Originally Posted by mandy

but thats just the thing...i don't know if i ever will. i can almost guarantee that i will never love the same. i will never feel the same about anyone and i doubt i'll want to.

it's freakin' weird and my tears just wont stop falling because just the thought of being without him is tearing me apart. i don't wana get hurt again. my emotional strands are wearing thin and if they break, i doubt i'll ever be able to come back from that.

and i'm a bouncer you know, whatever the cards of like may be...i deal with it and move on.

but this, i really feel that there'll be no more left of me if those strands break.

I know how you feel, from past relationships I can tell you that you will probably realize one day that you're wrong but from the relationship I have now...I don't know. It's hard to make a good decision when you're so emotionally involved sometimes but I think you can do it. Just pick up yourself and move on. Lean on your friends, they will help.

[repeater]

I would agree with those that say if it's your true "soulmate" you wouldn't be better off apart.. but even with your soulmate there are probably times it seems like that might be true - you just work through it

[eribrav]

What do you think it means relationship-wise that you posted this here where he's going to see it?

Is that something to ponder?

[cyklone]

Read again what Charlatan and ShaniFaye said Mandy. What they are telling you is the truth. The concept of "soul mate" sets you up to believe that there can only be one person and that is a load of crap, even though it is hard to believe at the moment. You won't ever love anyone else the same way, IT WILL BE BETTER. We learn from our mistakes (usually, thank god).
Also, be mindful of the fact that loving someone is not a good enough reason to stay together. I get so pissed off when I hear a woman staying with an abuser say "but I love him". It makes me want to puke. Not that you are being abused, but that LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. Forget the hollywood bullshit. There must be respect and compatibility or you have nothing.

[Charlatan]

Ah shit... I should have read more and seen that it was you you were talking about Mandy (I also should have inferred it to begin with).

I am really sorry to hear that the two of you have broken up.

Shani is right, you won't love the "same" again... that's because each person you will love in your life will be loved in a slightly different way.

You should also know that the way you are feeling is compounded (naturally) by the freshness of the break. Some may see it as a cliche to say that time heals all wounds but I know it to be a truism. You may have scars but the wound will heal.

Again, as Shani points out, learn from this. All experience is good, even the bad stuff. It's what makes us who we are.

[mandy]

Originally Posted by eribrav

What do you think it means relationship-wise that you posted this here where he's going to see it?

Is that something to ponder?

Do you feel it's something to ponder eribrav? I did not post this here for him to see it, but if he does what the hell!

I posted this here because this place has been my family for almost 3 years now. they have helped me through alot of tough times in my life and i share more with them than i do with my own family. which is really weird. but yeah...so, if he sees it, good. if he doesnt, then great. but thats not the reason i posted it here.

Charleton...we havn't broken up...let's just get that outta the way.

we discussed it last night and he is willing to fight to keep the, for lack of a better phrase, life that we've built together over the past four and a half years.

before he told me this, i told him that i didn't want to speak to him but he told me that he made a promise to me that he will always try to make things right before we went to bed.so, i let him try.

so, not broken up..but my threads are wearing thin.

we're having some problems though and i'm tired of having to pick up the pieces of my heart. for four and a half years i feel i've been giving 150% but he doesn't put in the same.

he does try, don't get me wrong, he tries, but it feels like he doesn't try because he wants to, most of the time, it feels more like he's doing what he does because he doesn't want me to be cross with him or get angry at him...i can't get to the word now.

he's so inconsiderate sometimes and selfish and i'm just tired of doing everything in my power to make him happy all the time. it takes it's toll on you. i sacrifice myself for him ALL the time. and he's working on it, he really is, i can't deny that. i won't deny the fact that i know he wants to be with me and i won't deny the fact that i want to be with him.

but where do i draw the line where my happiness is concerned?

i need him to know that it can't go on like this because if it does, then i don't see a future for us.

and it's not that i want to throw away four and a half years...it's that i don't want t go through another 50 years of always putting ME last.

I love him so much and i don't think i'll be able to go on without him but what if a time comes that i have to?

[ngdawg]

First off, get rid of the notion that you'd be 'throwing away four and a half years', regardless of what comes....you have grown during that time; you've learned a lot, done a lot, so they wouldn't be thrown away or wasted. Nothing is forever, nothing.
Second, you say you 'put 150% in' and that' he's 'trying', but then you say he's not doing enough....what is it you're looking for? Are there attempts to change him? What did you fall in love with? Which brings me to the next thing....
A wise friend once explained 'in love' and 'love' and I've found this to be true:
Being "in love" means a desire of greedy proportions-it's sexual, it's some level of wanting to possess and it's intensely all-encompassing. "Loving" someone is acceptance, ultimately deeper than the former, without the greed and desires taking a stronghold. They are not mutually exclusive, but they can be and are different. And 'in love' can change, which frightens us when that happens because we have confused it with the deeper feelings. In other words, we may no longer be 'in love', but we still love deeply. And when we think we're giving more than our partners, the desires diminish as we tire of the same go-rounds; fear of losing the person entirely sets in....
I hope this makes sense, Mandy.
Ultimately, you need to communicate to each other what each expects, wants, sees for the future and not fear the fading of the intensities you both had at the beginning as something much more meaningful and lasting can come out of it. Good luck.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by Charlatan

I don't really believe in the concept of a soul mate. A relationship is either working or not. The idea that you are destined to spend your life with any one person is a construct that does more harm than good.

Yes, my view exactly. There is no such thing as a soulmate. There is such a thing as good timing, or healthiness, or hard work and commitment... but not soulmates. In my opinion and experience.

That said... have you two gone to couples counseling yet? I identify with some of the feelings you are having, but I think that stuff can be worked through if you both really want it. A mutual commitment to going to counseling would be a sign of you both wanting to work it out, no matter what it takes.

Sounds like a lot of built-up resentment and perhaps miscommunication about your and his needs over the years... very common with couples, from what I hear in my friends' lives. Not insurmountable... but it takes work. 4.5 years isn't too bad to be discovering this, though... imagine, as you said, 10 or 20 years down the line. Try to fix it now, if you can!

[mandy]

let me rephrase you last sentence there ngdawg..."intensities we still HAVE"

I am now and will forever be in love with healer and i will now and forever love him more deeply with each passing moment of everyday and i know he loves me the same.

and that should be enough right? what i need from him more than ever is just some consideration and unselfishness...which he tries to give most of the time but i give it all of the time...

i guess his trying should give me some hope...

but what if it just all gets too much? should i just stomach it and get over it?

this is not the first time we are in this predicament concerning his inconsideration and selfishness...and everytime it's the same thing.

i don't want to change him...i just want him to be more considerate and less selfish at times...is that too much to ask?

[abaya]

Love is one thing. Compatibility is something else altogether.

Have you lived together yet?

What kind of selfish tendencies are we talking about here, btw? (If you feel like expanding the discussion.)

And do you have any selfish tendencies? Considering that perspective is always helpful for me in balancing out any antagonism towards my husband... I'm hella selfish too, when it comes down to it. Just in less obvious, more pernicious ways...

[ngdawg]

Originally Posted by mandy

let me rephrase you last sentence there ngdawg..."intensities we still HAVE"

I am now and will forever be in love with healer and i will now and forever love him more deeply with each passing moment of everyday and i know he loves me the same.

and that should be enough right? what i need from him more than ever is just some consideration and unselfishness...which he tries to give most of the time but i give it all of the time...

i guess his trying should give me some hope...

but what if it just all gets too much? should i just stomach it and get over it?

this is not the first time we are in this predicament concerning his inconsideration and selfishness...and everytime it's the same thing.

i don't want to change him...i just want him to be more considerate and less selfish at times...is that too much to ask?

Not at all...but you both have to define those parameters-what makes what he does 'selfish' as opposed to your 'giving all the time'? Is he more independent while you're more nurturing? Is it a viewpoint thing? The only way to dig into it is to voice what the other sees and really listen to it. How does he see your part? His own?
I've had this problem myself-the SO thinking what I do or did was 'against' him, not for me, etc. Once I explained my position and took in his, we moved along.
I appreciate that you want to discover the facets of what are you getting from this relationship...you also need to find out what he's getting as well.

[dlish]

hmm..mandy...sorry i odnt mean to put u on the spot but....

im confused cos it was only a few days go you posted this.... so i dont really know how to respond...

Today is my baby's 25th birthday.

I am so honored and privileged to be sharing this mile stone with you baby and i foresee many more happy ones in the future.

I love you with all my heart, with all my soul and with every fibre of my being.

You mean more to me than you will ever know, than you could ever comprehend and I'm just so lucky to have you in my life.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEALER!!!


oh, and p.s... after four years, I'm still completely, utterly and unmistakably in love with you.
__________________

[Electriceel]

one have such thoughts. if you love with every fibre of your being...?

[mandy]

Originally Posted by dlishsguy

hmm..mandy...sorry i odnt mean to put u on the spot but....

im confused cos it was only a few days go you posted this.... so i dont really know how to respond...

Today is my baby's 25th birthday.

I am so honored and privileged to be sharing this mile stone with you baby and i foresee many more happy ones in the future.

I love you with all my heart, with all my soul and with every fibre of my being.

You mean more to me than you will ever know, than you could ever comprehend and I'm just so lucky to have you in my life.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEALER!!!


oh, and p.s... after four years, I'm still completely, utterly and unmistakably in love with you.
__________________

oh so true!!! and you're not putting me on the spot at all. i too thought about this exact post while posting this one and it's terrible to think that only just a few days before i felt that way.

but, here is how it is now...

both of us had a bit of good news for me this week. i finally got a job. an internship, but a job nonetheless.

and experiencing this joviality, i felt that none of what i was feeling could be felt to its full extent if i did not have healer in my life. and i told him this. and we laughed and cried together...ok, i cried

but after all that, i suggested we find a couples counselor or someone who can help us communicate better, our feelings and thoughts about each other and what we're going through.

he agreed and so, that's what we're trying to do now. we're just taking baby steps.

i don't feel any less for healer after what happened and after i posted that birthday thread. i still am in love with him and i still love him with every fibre of my being...and that will never change no matter how bad things get between us.well, for me at least.

thank you guys so much for all you advice and help...it was much noted and even more so appreciated.

i will keep you posted, mind the pun

and i think that all you guys views and advices made me realise that maybe i should stop expecting more, i shouldn't be as demanding on him as i am and i should appreciate what i've got because there are some people out there who don't have it as good as i do.

you guys are the bomB!!!

[little_tippler]

Originally Posted by mandy

(...)
and i think that all you guys views and advices made me realise that maybe i should stop expecting more, i shouldn't be as demanding on him as i am and i should appreciate what i've got because there are some people out there who don't have it as good as i do. (...)

Hey mandy,

just so you're not including me in there, let me tell you you should never "stop expecting more". I don't mean that you can never be satisfied with what you have, of course you can. But in this case, if you felt that certain issues you have with healer are important enough to bring the thought of breaking up into your head even though you say you love him with "every fiber" of your being, then maybe it's not so simple.

Why am I saying this? Because to me, your story sounds familiar. Once before, I loved someone with every fiber of my being, and I thought exactly the same. There were giving and selfishness issues, BIG ones, that I couldn't get my head around, even though I felt he was "the one". He also tried, half-heartedly I'd say now. I can honestly say I have never tried so hard emotionally and in a self-sacrificing way (to the point of having next to no dignity or pride for myself) to make something work - but at the end of the day, it wasn't ever going to be possible because we weren't compatible enough.

I also thought, I have to stop demanding so much, I have to give more and more, and I should appreciate what I've got. The point is, if you're not happy, it's not going to change if you're the only one who's is really trying and committed to putting the other person first.

I'm not saying you should break up, but give yourself a chance. It's not all in your head. You can be happy, and you should have a chance at that. With or without him. Please don't settle.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.

[analog]

I tend to believe that one of the signs of deep, deep love is the inability to even consider loving anyone else, ever. This is also most prevalent in couples who got together young, and were each other's real first girlfriend/boyfriend.

Of course, this means absolutely nothing if you cannot live together or don't work as a couple anymore... but it won't change your feeling that you'll "never love again". You will, but certain portions of self-preservation and the love concept itself, I believe, tend to make you think you won't, so you'll work harder to make work what you already have.

Take care, and remember that not everything works out, no matter how much love there is.

[mandy]

hey guys

ok, so, it's been a while. and we've sorted things out on our side...both sides, and we are doing so much better.

we have not however spoken to a counselor just yet. i'm still trying to find one though, even though we're doing ok, i just want to prevent anything like this from happening again.

he's been so supportive over these last few weeks and so selfless and it was a side of him that i didnt see all that often. i was busy with my final assignments at college and stayed there every night till past midnight and some nights i didn't even come home and he's always be there to fetch me if i needed to be fetched and come and visit me when i wasn't coming home, even if it was only for a short while. he brought me food and i think now that it was he who sustained me and not the food

even though it took it's toll on him riding up and down to come to me, almost on the other side of the city...he still did, and i think know that i would not have been able to do it without him. without him encouraging me and pushing me to do better, and just being there for me, even if he just sat there in silence when he could have been doing something else.

anyways, i'm drifting off the point here, it's been a whole lot better and i hpoe it will continue to be this way. we havn't fought about anything really, besides thet little tiffs we'd have but that would all end in a smile or laugh or a tickle, a poke or a bite...all really very playful.

hopefully it continues this way for a long time.

oh, and by the way, in one week it will be our four year anniversary