Am I really needy or is she making excuses? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

punch_drunk · 03-25-2007, 07:09 PM

My wife and I have been married for almost three years. In addition to "realizing" that she was bisexual about a year ago after having an online lesbian relationship, she has been extremely disinterested and unwilling sexually- refusing to engage in sexual activity with me for as long as 4 months or longer. She has finally blamed this partly on earlier communication problems we have supposedly reconciled. Additionally and more importantly, she is very stand-offish physically. She does not hug or kiss very often- once or twice daily. Any more in her opinion is excessive and needy. She says she is not a touchy-feely person. This all changed from when we were dating, and her excuse is that we didn't see each other as often then.
I am 36 and she is 33. We have a 22-month daughter.
Is it truly needy to want to spend time next to each other, snuggling, hugging, kissing- more than 1 or 2 single kisses and hugs per day?
What is everyone experiencing out there on average sexually and physically if you're willing to admit it?
I'm very frustrated, lonely, and angry at this point. I married a beautiful woman expecting an exciting romantic sexual loving relationship, and it's turning into a nightmare.

slimsam1 · 03-25-2007, 07:44 PM

I think the answer to this is somewhat obvious, although I empathize with your desire to ask it. A typical loving relationship between two people does not establish normals that low.

If the online relationship was a secret, I imagine you must have really felt betrayed. That, coupled with the lack of intimacy sure makes me worry that her feelings for you have changed.

How much have you talked to her about this? Not begged for cuddling time, but just talked objectively (to the maximum extent possible) about the concerns you both have?

punch_drunk · 03-25-2007, 07:56 PM

I have gone to a therapist since mid-January to discuss being angry, upset, and confused over her sexuality, and lack of closeness. I have had numerous lengthy discussions about the same. She keeps returning to "I'm just not a touchy-feely person." I just don't buy it anymore, when I see couples all around me able to show affection. I'm not saying we have to grope each other at every moment, but we can spend some quality time together.
She met with my therapist last week, then I meet with him this week, maybe once more after that. Then we are likely to both go. My only hope is that she can finally understand where I'm coming from. If not, there's not much hope for any real affection.

Ilow · 03-25-2007, 08:12 PM

I don't want to come of as blunt or attempting crude humor, but it seems as though she may be a lesbian. It frankly sounds like she could go without the male affection/sex indefinitely. You did not really say if this was a new thing or had been going on since the beginning of the relationship. If something changed that is different than if it was always like this (in which case you probably entered the marriage hoping it would change). Either way you are not being needy, some level (that ideally is satisfactory to each of you) of intimacy is expected/required in pretty much all healthy relationships.

Push-Pull · 03-25-2007, 08:37 PM

I can't speak for the other troubles you have, but as far as the intimacy issue I will say that you most definately are NOT being needy. Desiring to be intimate with someone you care about is not only NOT needy, but very, very human.

I obviously don't know your situation, but I would think of her being willing to go to the therapist as a good sign.

Best of luck to you and your family.

slimshaydee · 03-25-2007, 09:11 PM

When I watch cheaters I always hear the people at the start talking about how their spouses become very stand-offish physically when they begin cheating on them.

punch_drunk · 03-26-2007, 06:28 PM

When we dated, she seemed to show a normal level of affection. I feel like it declined about the time we got engaged.
We didn't have sex until after we got married, and it was a constant source of disagreement. She was pregnant within the first two and a half months of marriage, and from that point until 6-8 weeks afte birth, we did not have any form of sexual contact. After that, we've averaged once every 4-8 weeks.
Affection is not important to her. If I put my hands on her or say lift her shirt and put them on her side, she gets annoyed. She calls this irritating and needy- excessively touchy-feely.
With past relationships, I would consider this normal touching and intimate contact- expression of affection.
As of about 6-9 months ago, she considers herself bisexual- following an online relationship with a lesbian. She says she has no intention on doing this again or having a physical relationship, but she is caught up in writing lesbian fanfiction, watching the L-Word excessively, and chatting online with several lesbian friends for 20-30 hours per week, as well as talking on the phone for several hours per months.
When she met with my therapist, he led her to believe that I AM needy and unrealistic in my desire for a sexual relationship. I meet with him one on one this Thursday and can only hope he said this to humor her for information, as he told me that my feelings were rational. Everyone I have talked to so far has confirmed this. My heart tells me this. Hopefully after this session, when she and I both meet with him, something fruitful can follow. I am at my wit's end...

punch_drunk · 03-26-2007, 07:13 PM

I feel that she haas changed on all levels. First on her level of affection. She was more affectionate when we dated. I feel that when we got engaged, she became less and less affectionate. Just the other day she said that it is because she sees me all the time instead of just a couple days a week. Her previous excuse was that she is not a touchy-feely person. The excuses keep changing. I feel that they are just that- excuses.
The sexuality- that was a challenge from the start. we didn't have sex until we got married, and we had disagreements almost from day one. We were pregnant about two months into our marriage, and from that point on until 6-8 weeks after birth, we had no sexual contact of any kind, and very little affection.
About 6-8 months ago, she had the online affair, said she was confused, and went to a therapist, then announced that she had "bisexual tendencies." Although she hasn't had any further online affairs and has never had any physical lesbian relationships, she is obsessed with writing lesbian fanfiction and watching the L-Word. She talks online with several lesbians "friends" for 20-30 hours or more per week and text-messages or talks on the phone extensively with the same people.
She feels that physical contact I make with her, such as putting my hands on her side from under her shirt, or laying next to her and hugging her often, is annoying and needy. I think this is a normal display of love and affection. This would be normal for me in previous relationships.
My therapist met her last week and told her that these things were needy, thus fueling her sense of right. He previously told me I was absolutely feeling nothing wrong and was about par with the average male-female relationship in my wants and desires, so I can only think that he was playing her for information.
I meet with him this week, and then after that, she and I will probably begin to meet with him. I can only hope he can reiterate these things to her and have her understand what is normal and perhaps want to change. I am at my wit's end. I know in my heart and mind what is right, and this is not right. Not even close.

Ourcrazymodern? · 03-26-2007, 08:03 PM

punch_drunk, if she won't be your wife you should start worrying about your daughter. I mean only regarding what you'd do if you decided to split. I'm pretty sure people should be much more affectionate and more often.

Cynthetiq · 03-27-2007, 04:16 AM

I'd say you are needy.

Nothing wrong with that, express that to her when you are feeling needy and need to have some attention.

After being married for the past 5 years and together for almost 9, we don't do the cuddling and kissy stuff every day. But there are times, where she interupts me from what I'm doing and says, "I need some kisses." That's my cue to stop what I'm doing and give her some attention for 5 minutes. The same goes for me. The key is to communicate and compromise in some fashion that works for the two of you.

So it's not romantic book stuff, big deal.

The_Jazz · 03-27-2007, 04:45 AM

It seems to me that there are multiple problems here. First, are you needy? I think you probably are, but I don't think it's a bad or even unusual thing. Almost all people need intimate (not necessarily sexual) human contact once in a while, and I would classify your behavior within that scope. In other words, you don't seem any different than most people.

Second, I think your wife, while not having a physical affair, is definitely having an emotional one, possible with multiple people. It's entirely possible that she came to terms with her sexuality recently, but her response to it is where I have a problem. She is married to you, and that kind of commitment means that she should at least interact with you honestly. If she doesn't want to be married to you so that she can pursue her interest in other women, she needs to be honest about that with the understanding that it could cause issues with your daughter, both legally and emotionally.

Good luck with the counseling. I think that it's a least a step in the right direction, wherever that may lead.

ratbastid · 03-27-2007, 05:22 AM

The first thing here, is to put down any notion that one person is right and the other person is wrong. What's happening is what's happening, and concepts like blame and fault aren't helpful here.

Sultana · 03-27-2007, 01:12 PM

If having needs is "needy", then I guess you are. Like every other human.

You have to ask yourself if you want to stick around in a situation where you have to push someone to fulfill your needs, and be made to feel bad about yourself for it.

Sounds to me like she could be infatuated with the idea of being a lesbian, or bi. I don't know many lesbos who spend that much time and effort dedicated solely to gender- and sexually-defined activities.

What was the fall out from her "on line" relationship? Did she hide it? Is it a problem? There's a lot of background in that couple of lines.

World's King · 03-27-2007, 01:26 PM

It's not a need it's a want.

Sultana · 03-27-2007, 01:33 PM

So he's "wanty"?

World's King · 03-27-2007, 03:17 PM

In a sense, yes.

punch_drunk · 03-27-2007, 05:49 PM

I think she wouldn't have told me for some time, if at all, if I had not found out. I found out because one of her intimate conversations printed on my networked printer for some reason (Divine intervention?).
Although it killed me, I waited awhile longer to confront her in order to gather more information. It turns out she took a vacation to Disneyland with her online friend's roommate. The trip was originally intended for two former work friends that I knew and trusted. Instead it was with a stranger- a lesbian. Upon her return, I confronted her, and she tried to turn it around and make it a thing about me spying on her. It has been convoluted and confusing ever since. One excuse after another. Two more days until I see my therapist for some clarity on the matter.

cadre · 03-27-2007, 07:33 PM

Well, how does she treat your daughter as far as affection goes? If it is somewhat the same as with you then maybe she is just not as touchy feely anymore. However, if this is the case I would worry about the emotional health of your daughter as she grows. I'm thinking though that this probably isn't the case.

Just thought I'd say something no one else has.

punch_drunk · 03-27-2007, 07:52 PM

She is very affectionate with our daughter. She says that is different, that I can't possibly compare what a two-year old needs with what an adult wants in terms of affection. I say there is a bit of a difference, but she certainly won't be shutting off the affection when that baby becomes an adult. Or will she, since she is not a touchy-feely person?!

cadre · 03-27-2007, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by punch_drunk

She is very affectionate with our daughter. She says that is different, that I can't possibly compare what a two-year old needs with what an adult wants in terms of affection. I say there is a bit of a difference, but she certainly won't be shutting off the affection when that baby becomes an adult. Or will she, since she is not a touchy-feely person?!

Maybe the counseling will help, but if not I think you know what the outcome will be. Best of luck.

punch_drunk · 03-27-2007, 08:20 PM

I have certainly thought about the future many times, and discussed it with my therapist. My wife doesn't think I have the courage to leave- she thinks I'm afraid of what my parents and church friends will think and say, but she doesn't understand that I can rise above that to protect myself and my daughter's future if she is unwilling to heal my heart and work on our relationship.
Wish me luck. Keep me in your prayers.
It all helps.

Mister Coaster · 03-28-2007, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by punch_drunk

I think she wouldn't have told me for some time, if at all, if I had not found out. I found out because one of her intimate conversations printed on my networked printer for some reason (Divine intervention?).
Although it killed me, I waited awhile longer to confront her in order to gather more information. It turns out she took a vacation to Disneyland with her online friend's roommate. The trip was originally intended for two former work friends that I knew and trusted. Instead it was with a stranger- a lesbian. Upon her return, I confronted her, and she tried to turn it around and make it a thing about me spying on her. It has been convoluted and confusing ever since. One excuse after another. Two more days until I see my therapist for some clarity on the matter.

I think this is a big nail in her coffin. I mean she lies about who she was going with and then tries to shift the blame on you for "spying?" This is a desparate measure usually employed by a guilty party. With this information, I disagree with ratbastid and say there is fault, and its hers. All signs are pointing to "she cheated on you" and the next step is between the 2 of you and your daughter.

Don't stay together "for the child's sake." And don't split up soley because you think she is unfit to raise her. You three have issues, big time, not just need, intamacy or her new-found bisexuality. She crossed the line into trust, thats a big one.

Good luck.

punch_drunk · 03-28-2007, 07:03 PM

Right- I've been accused of focusing on just intimacy and sex. And while I believe those are huge parts of our relationship that are missing that she is not willing to put much or any effort into, I feel like we DO have bigger issues to deal with. It's the whole package. I want to work on 100% of the issues, while she only wants to tackle 90% of it and she's mad at me for mentioning the other 10% at all. So hopefully, my session tomorrow will be a step in the right direction.

Mister Coaster · 03-29-2007, 05:33 AM

Inticamy and sex are big, and perhaps what tipped the whole thing off. But, to answer your original question, no, you are not overly needy. My wife and I have been together for 11.5 years (married for 4.5 of them) and we have never gone 8 weeks having sex only once, including when she was pregnant. We certianly are not going at it like we used to, but 1 or 2 times a week is average.

Daemon1313 · 03-29-2007, 06:06 AM

Intimacy is what makes a marriage a marriage and not a legally permanent friendship.

You mention talking with your therapist, but she is the one that needs to be seing a therapist. Or even better idea, you both should go to couples councilling. She definately seems to have some kind of issues. Questioning her sexuality is probably only the begining.

My advice is to protect yourself and your daughter. Try and work it out but if it dosn't put the relationship out of its misery. Its not healthy for any of you to be in an unhappy relationship.

kel · 04-04-2007, 05:00 PM

Work for the best but prepare for the worst. Protect yourself. I cannot stress this enough. No one will take care of you or protect you. They will in fact attack you at your (ex)wife's bidding. Specifically you will need cash that she doesn't have access to in case you get thrown out of the house should she work out for herself that doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. Typically once the 209A hits (as we call it in MA) you will be stuck with the clothes on your back. You are in a dangerous situation that could effect you and your child for the rest of your lives.

No you are not needy in the realm of intimacy. Assuming there is nothing dysfunctional on your end it seems your wife has some things she needs to work out on her end and you may have to prod her a bit to get some resolution. Prod carefully but don't give up. The fact that you are both going to counseling bodes very well.

03-25-2007, 07:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
punch_drunk Upright	Am I really needy or is she making excuses? My wife and I have been married for almost three years. In addition to "realizing" that she was bisexual about a year ago after having an online lesbian relationship, she has been extremely disinterested and unwilling sexually- refusing to engage in sexual activity with me for as long as 4 months or longer. She has finally blamed this partly on earlier communication problems we have supposedly reconciled. Additionally and more importantly, she is very stand-offish physically. She does not hug or kiss very often- once or twice daily. Any more in her opinion is excessive and needy. She says she is not a touchy-feely person. This all changed from when we were dating, and her excuse is that we didn't see each other as often then. I am 36 and she is 33. We have a 22-month daughter. Is it truly needy to want to spend time next to each other, snuggling, hugging, kissing- more than 1 or 2 single kisses and hugs per day? What is everyone experiencing out there on average sexually and physically if you're willing to admit it? I'm very frustrated, lonely, and angry at this point. I married a beautiful woman expecting an exciting romantic sexual loving relationship, and it's turning into a nightmare.

03-25-2007, 08:12 PM	#4 (permalink)
Ilow Junkie Location: Pats country	I don't want to come of as blunt or attempting crude humor, but it seems as though she may be a lesbian. It frankly sounds like she could go without the male affection/sex indefinitely. You did not really say if this was a new thing or had been going on since the beginning of the relationship. If something changed that is different than if it was always like this (in which case you probably entered the marriage hoping it would change). Either way you are not being needy, some level (that ideally is satisfactory to each of you) of intimacy is expected/required in pretty much all healthy relationships. __________________ "Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about" --Sam Harris

03-25-2007, 08:37 PM	#5 (permalink)
Push-Pull I'll ask when I'm ready.... Location: Firmly in the middle....	I can't speak for the other troubles you have, but as far as the intimacy issue I will say that you most definately are NOT being needy. Desiring to be intimate with someone you care about is not only NOT needy, but very, very human. I obviously don't know your situation, but I would think of her being willing to go to the therapist as a good sign. Best of luck to you and your family. __________________ "No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me- "Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown- DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

03-26-2007, 08:03 PM	#9 (permalink)
Ourcrazymodern? still, wondering. Location: South Minneapolis, somewhere near the gorgeous gorge	punch_drunk, if she won't be your wife you should start worrying about your daughter. I mean only regarding what you'd do if you decided to split. I'm pretty sure people should be much more affectionate and more often. __________________ BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

03-27-2007, 04:16 AM	#10 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	I'd say you are needy. Nothing wrong with that, express that to her when you are feeling needy and need to have some attention. After being married for the past 5 years and together for almost 9, we don't do the cuddling and kissy stuff every day. But there are times, where she interupts me from what I'm doing and says, "I need some kisses." That's my cue to stop what I'm doing and give her some attention for 5 minutes. The same goes for me. The key is to communicate and compromise in some fashion that works for the two of you. So it's not romantic book stuff, big deal. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

03-25-2007, 07:44 PM	#2 (permalink)
slimsam1 Crazy	I think the answer to this is somewhat obvious, although I empathize with your desire to ask it. A typical loving relationship between two people does not establish normals that low. If the online relationship was a secret, I imagine you must have really felt betrayed. That, coupled with the lack of intimacy sure makes me worry that her feelings for you have changed. How much have you talked to her about this? Not begged for cuddling time, but just talked objectively (to the maximum extent possible) about the concerns you both have?

03-25-2007, 07:56 PM	#3 (permalink)
punch_drunk Upright	I have gone to a therapist since mid-January to discuss being angry, upset, and confused over her sexuality, and lack of closeness. I have had numerous lengthy discussions about the same. She keeps returning to "I'm just not a touchy-feely person." I just don't buy it anymore, when I see couples all around me able to show affection. I'm not saying we have to grope each other at every moment, but we can spend some quality time together. She met with my therapist last week, then I meet with him this week, maybe once more after that. Then we are likely to both go. My only hope is that she can finally understand where I'm coming from. If not, there's not much hope for any real affection.

03-25-2007, 09:11 PM	#6 (permalink)
slimshaydee If you've read this, PM me and say so Location: Sitting on my ass, and you?	When I watch cheaters I always hear the people at the start talking about how their spouses become very stand-offish physically when they begin cheating on them.

03-26-2007, 06:28 PM	#7 (permalink)
punch_drunk Upright	When we dated, she seemed to show a normal level of affection. I feel like it declined about the time we got engaged. We didn't have sex until after we got married, and it was a constant source of disagreement. She was pregnant within the first two and a half months of marriage, and from that point until 6-8 weeks afte birth, we did not have any form of sexual contact. After that, we've averaged once every 4-8 weeks. Affection is not important to her. If I put my hands on her or say lift her shirt and put them on her side, she gets annoyed. She calls this irritating and needy- excessively touchy-feely. With past relationships, I would consider this normal touching and intimate contact- expression of affection. As of about 6-9 months ago, she considers herself bisexual- following an online relationship with a lesbian. She says she has no intention on doing this again or having a physical relationship, but she is caught up in writing lesbian fanfiction, watching the L-Word excessively, and chatting online with several lesbian friends for 20-30 hours per week, as well as talking on the phone for several hours per months. When she met with my therapist, he led her to believe that I AM needy and unrealistic in my desire for a sexual relationship. I meet with him one on one this Thursday and can only hope he said this to humor her for information, as he told me that my feelings were rational. Everyone I have talked to so far has confirmed this. My heart tells me this. Hopefully after this session, when she and I both meet with him, something fruitful can follow. I am at my wit's end...

03-26-2007, 07:13 PM	#8 (permalink)
punch_drunk Upright	I feel that she haas changed on all levels. First on her level of affection. She was more affectionate when we dated. I feel that when we got engaged, she became less and less affectionate. Just the other day she said that it is because she sees me all the time instead of just a couple days a week. Her previous excuse was that she is not a touchy-feely person. The excuses keep changing. I feel that they are just that- excuses. The sexuality- that was a challenge from the start. we didn't have sex until we got married, and we had disagreements almost from day one. We were pregnant about two months into our marriage, and from that point on until 6-8 weeks after birth, we had no sexual contact of any kind, and very little affection. About 6-8 months ago, she had the online affair, said she was confused, and went to a therapist, then announced that she had "bisexual tendencies." Although she hasn't had any further online affairs and has never had any physical lesbian relationships, she is obsessed with writing lesbian fanfiction and watching the L-Word. She talks online with several lesbians "friends" for 20-30 hours or more per week and text-messages or talks on the phone extensively with the same people. She feels that physical contact I make with her, such as putting my hands on her side from under her shirt, or laying next to her and hugging her often, is annoying and needy. I think this is a normal display of love and affection. This would be normal for me in previous relationships. My therapist met her last week and told her that these things were needy, thus fueling her sense of right. He previously told me I was absolutely feeling nothing wrong and was about par with the average male-female relationship in my wants and desires, so I can only think that he was playing her for information. I meet with him this week, and then after that, she and I will probably begin to meet with him. I can only hope he can reiterate these things to her and have her understand what is normal and perhaps want to change. I am at my wit's end. I know in my heart and mind what is right, and this is not right. Not even close.

03-27-2007, 04:45 AM	#11 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	It seems to me that there are multiple problems here. First, are you needy? I think you probably are, but I don't think it's a bad or even unusual thing. Almost all people need intimate (not necessarily sexual) human contact once in a while, and I would classify your behavior within that scope. In other words, you don't seem any different than most people. Second, I think your wife, while not having a physical affair, is definitely having an emotional one, possible with multiple people. It's entirely possible that she came to terms with her sexuality recently, but her response to it is where I have a problem. She is married to you, and that kind of commitment means that she should at least interact with you honestly. If she doesn't want to be married to you so that she can pursue her interest in other women, she needs to be honest about that with the understanding that it could cause issues with your daughter, both legally and emotionally. Good luck with the counseling. I think that it's a least a step in the right direction, wherever that may lead. __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

03-27-2007, 05:22 AM	#12 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	The first thing here, is to put down any notion that one person is right and the other person is wrong. What's happening is what's happening, and concepts like blame and fault aren't helpful here.

03-27-2007, 01:12 PM	#13 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	If having needs is "needy", then I guess you are. Like every other human. You have to ask yourself if you want to stick around in a situation where you have to push someone to fulfill your needs, and be made to feel bad about yourself for it. Sounds to me like she could be infatuated with the idea of being a lesbian, or bi. I don't know many lesbos who spend that much time and effort dedicated solely to gender- and sexually-defined activities. What was the fall out from her "on line" relationship? Did she hide it? Is it a problem? There's a lot of background in that couple of lines. __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

03-27-2007, 01:26 PM	#14 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	It's not a need it's a want. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

03-27-2007, 01:33 PM	#15 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	So he's "wanty"? __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

03-27-2007, 03:17 PM	#16 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	In a sense, yes. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

03-27-2007, 05:49 PM	#17 (permalink)
punch_drunk Upright	I think she wouldn't have told me for some time, if at all, if I had not found out. I found out because one of her intimate conversations printed on my networked printer for some reason (Divine intervention?). Although it killed me, I waited awhile longer to confront her in order to gather more information. It turns out she took a vacation to Disneyland with her online friend's roommate. The trip was originally intended for two former work friends that I knew and trusted. Instead it was with a stranger- a lesbian. Upon her return, I confronted her, and she tried to turn it around and make it a thing about me spying on her. It has been convoluted and confusing ever since. One excuse after another. Two more days until I see my therapist for some clarity on the matter.

03-27-2007, 07:33 PM	#18 (permalink)
cadre The Worst Influence Location: Arizona	Well, how does she treat your daughter as far as affection goes? If it is somewhat the same as with you then maybe she is just not as touchy feely anymore. However, if this is the case I would worry about the emotional health of your daughter as she grows. I'm thinking though that this probably isn't the case. Just thought I'd say something no one else has. __________________ My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

03-27-2007, 07:52 PM	#19 (permalink)
punch_drunk Upright	She is very affectionate with our daughter. She says that is different, that I can't possibly compare what a two-year old needs with what an adult wants in terms of affection. I say there is a bit of a difference, but she certainly won't be shutting off the affection when that baby becomes an adult. Or will she, since she is not a touchy-feely person?!

03-27-2007, 08:20 PM	#21 (permalink)
punch_drunk Upright	I have certainly thought about the future many times, and discussed it with my therapist. My wife doesn't think I have the courage to leave- she thinks I'm afraid of what my parents and church friends will think and say, but she doesn't understand that I can rise above that to protect myself and my daughter's future if she is unwilling to heal my heart and work on our relationship. Wish me luck. Keep me in your prayers. It all helps.

03-28-2007, 07:03 PM	#23 (permalink)
punch_drunk Upright	Right- I've been accused of focusing on just intimacy and sex. And while I believe those are huge parts of our relationship that are missing that she is not willing to put much or any effort into, I feel like we DO have bigger issues to deal with. It's the whole package. I want to work on 100% of the issues, while she only wants to tackle 90% of it and she's mad at me for mentioning the other 10% at all. So hopefully, my session tomorrow will be a step in the right direction.

03-29-2007, 05:33 AM	#24 (permalink)
Mister Coaster Big & Brassy Location: The "Canyon"	Inticamy and sex are big, and perhaps what tipped the whole thing off. But, to answer your original question, no, you are not overly needy. My wife and I have been together for 11.5 years (married for 4.5 of them) and we have never gone 8 weeks having sex only once, including when she was pregnant. We certianly are not going at it like we used to, but 1 or 2 times a week is average. __________________ If you have any poo... fling it NOW!

03-29-2007, 06:06 AM	#25 (permalink)
Daemon1313 Crazy Location: Atlanta	Intimacy is what makes a marriage a marriage and not a legally permanent friendship. You mention talking with your therapist, but she is the one that needs to be seing a therapist. Or even better idea, you both should go to couples councilling. She definately seems to have some kind of issues. Questioning her sexuality is probably only the begining. My advice is to protect yourself and your daughter. Try and work it out but if it dosn't put the relationship out of its misery. Its not healthy for any of you to be in an unhappy relationship. __________________ A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

04-04-2007, 05:00 PM	#26 (permalink)
kel WARNING: FLAMMABLE Location: Ask Acetylene	Work for the best but prepare for the worst. Protect yourself. I cannot stress this enough. No one will take care of you or protect you. They will in fact attack you at your (ex)wife's bidding. Specifically you will need cash that she doesn't have access to in case you get thrown out of the house should she work out for herself that doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. Typically once the 209A hits (as we call it in MA) you will be stuck with the clothes on your back. You are in a dangerous situation that could effect you and your child for the rest of your lives. No you are not needy in the realm of intimacy. Assuming there is nothing dysfunctional on your end it seems your wife has some things she needs to work out on her end and you may have to prod her a bit to get some resolution. Prod carefully but don't give up. The fact that you are both going to counseling bodes very well. __________________ "It better be funny"