Point Taken

Long time member of TFP, just need to conceal my privacy for some reasons.

Need to get this off my chest, it's really taking a toll on me.

Lets start.

Went out one night in January with some friends of mine from town to a cafe up north, 30 min or so drive. We met up with 2 girls, one I knew from town and the other who I will call Racheal was from the town over whom I never met and was roommates with the girl. Found her attractive right off the bat. Nothing ever really came about right away. Fast forward to June of this year, we happened to just stumble upon each other back home and started hanging out regularly. I had been single for about a year and a half, I was in a 2 year relationship that I ended due to my ex's psychotic nature. I was enjoying the single life and wasn't really looking for anything serious. The more we hung out, the more I noticed that Racheal had taken interest in me. It was obvious, the way she would make eye contact, the fact that she would make it a point to want to hang out with me, etc. Late August came around and I was going out of the country for about 3 weeks. We still hung out a bunch, and the night prior to me leaving we kissed and it began there. I was gone for that time frame, called her a few times during the trip to say hello and catch up.
I came back and she had gone back to school about 40 mins away. Things were great, I fell head over heels for her and vice versa. We took things a step further and put ourselves both in a relationship, officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We both knew it would be somewhat harder having a "long" distance relationship than one in which we were 5 minutes away from each other. Fine and dandy. From MY knowledge and experience, when two people are serious about each other, they make it a point. Communication is key when you can't see your SO as often as usual. Phone calls, text messages, IM convos, etc, just to keep up with each other. I am one that enjoys hearing from her throughout the day. Not every hour of the day, but, say she is on break, a phone call to say hello hows your day going, would not hurt. She feels like it is something that isn't necessary. I say ok, and take it down a notch, conversation goes to a minimum, she doesn't like to be smothered with attention as she is a laid back type of girl.

Here is where the problem lies. I believe I have anxiety. I haven't been to a doctor to check up on it, but I think I am giving myself more problems than I really should. I am a nervous/stressful wreck most of the day. I trust her, but I am always wondering what she is doing. Being away at school leaves her in a totally different environment than when she is home. I trust her I just don't trust others. I wake up in the mornings sometimes very early and cannot sleep anymore. I am tired, I lay in bed feeling sick to my stomach and at times need to get up because I have the urge to vomit. Nothing but saliva comes out. I am worrying myself sick. Why?! I know for a fact that she has strong feelings for me but feel as if I am luring her away by being the way that I am. She doesn't know of these incidents in which I get this way. Today I have spent all day feeling this way. I am writing about this thinking how stupid I am for doing such a thing. I don't each much, I keep stressing out. She wants to have fun while she is at school and not have me be such an annoyance due to my ways. She feels she doesnt have to give me a call at 4am letting me know she is home safe. I want one just to make me feel at ease. She says I'm insane for thinking like that.

I don't even know what to say. Someone give me some advice, its more of what can I do to stop being like this. This relationship can work if I change my ways, but I cannot help it for the life of me. Please.


Terribly sorry for the rant.

jerseyboy

No, you dont trust her. If you truly trusted her you know nothing would happen no matter what others do.

I think you have issues to work out and you should probably seek help. The effects on your body are not healthy and a professional could definitely assist you in calming down.

pornclerk

Ok I am going to be honest and say that you sound very insecure, not about your relationship, but about yourself.

I used to be like you. I always worried that my boyfriend would cheat on me, always wondered if he was looking at other women. I would get hysterical over nothing. It got to the point where he would go out with people and just stare at the wall for fear of getting caught doing something inappropriate.

It took me a while to realize that this sort of thing is just plain selfish and unfair. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially if they have never given you a reason to believe that they are cheating on you.

A lot of this came from the fact that I was insecure about myself. I think you need to learn to relax a little more. Why worry about stupid little things? You are only hurting yourself. There are far more important things in life to worry about than why someone didn't call you at 4am.

My boyfriend and I have had a long distance relationship for a while, mainly because I was in school. He now lives three hours away and I am planning to move there next year now that we are more serious. I would never expect him to call me every day. I have my own life and job to worry about. Sure it is nice to get a text message or chat on messenger but I don't wait by my computer or phone.

I think you need to just relax more and realize that she does care about you even though she doesn't call you all the time. And honestly, if you keep acting to clingy you may even scare her off.

__________________
Who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?

Point Taken

Thank you pornclerk. My problem is that I just need my eyes opened to certain things. I'm thickheaded about it and can't find any way around it. I do feel as if it is insecurity on my part as well. Fear of losing her because I care about her so much. I just need to stop myself before I lose her because of my ways.

*deeeep breath*

Lasereth

Yeah it sounds to me like you're a bit insecure about yourself, whether it's conscious or unconscious. If you're constantly worried about what she's doing or where she is or if she's fucking another guy, then you definitely have a slight insecurity issue.

Just trust her, and if she hurts you, get over it. Having trust in someone is one of the best parts of a relationship...you won't ever be happy if you're constantly worried about what she's doing. If anything bad ever does happen between you and her, you calling her everyday certainly isn't going to stop it. If she leaves you, you badgering her about what she's doing won't prevent it. Just let the relationship fold out and put your trust into her. The worst thing that can happen is she fucks around and leaves you, which simply won't be prevented by calling her everyday when she doesn't want you to. People leave each other all the time -- it's not the end of the world.

__________________
"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

ngdawg

Anxieties come from a sense of not having control. We fret, we worry, our imagination takes over in negative ways....'what ifs' start to fill our heads...all fed by insecurities.
I agree that part of it that you don't trust her enough; perhaps thinking there's 'someone better' that's going to sweep her away because you're not there to stop it or good enough to be the 'one and only'....
If you don't pull back and relax, your thoughts are going to be self-fulfilling prophecies. Keep in mind, she chose YOU. And, even realizing how you are, still chose YOU.
You need something that completely occupies your time and your head. Funny thing about anxiety, the more we realize we have it, the more it takes us over. So, we have to get rid of it. Join something. A theatre group, a book club, take art classes in the evening, join a gym. When the feelings start their negative impact, read a book, go jogging or to a movie. This will actually accomplish a few things; it will occupy your time, it will give you something to talk about and it will put you 'out there' among others. Then, instead of "Yea, hi, was thinking about you all day..." it will be, "Yea, I went to see that new movie"....
YOU have the power to control YOU, not anyone else. You also have to realize that you are good enough for someone to be interested in enough to be your girlfriend.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

analog

The anxiety is preventing you from trusting her fully, and also from realizing that that is the problem- more specifically, your problem. I know exactly where you're coming from- I've always battled anxiety (very bad anxiety) and when I had a long-distance relationship, I went through a lot of the same emotions. Realize that the anxiety is making you distrust her- stop lying to yourself and thinking that that isn't the case. The anxiety is making it the case.

Oooooooooooooh Point Taken's got a girl-friend, Point Taken's got a girl-friend! *ahem* Dude, you care about her. That's what that is- that is the "why" you're searching for- it's not a mystical wonder of the world, you're just all about this woman! Your anxiety is beating you up because your mind is on her like white on rice... like a Star Jones on a cupcake... like Teflon on a pan. Hell, you may even love her with how severe your symptoms are. lol



You may eventually, yes.

She doesn't- but while you're not "insane" for thinking like that, you're placing personal expectations on her and then treating them as demands. And believe me- you may think you're asking nicely and sweetly, but I guarantee you're not- not when you're so screwed up over the girl that you are losing sleep and not eating.

You looooooooooooooooooooooooooove her. Let her love you back when the time comes- until then, realize that the world is still spinning, and will continue to do so no matter what happens between you two. I know you feel that it is, but her whereabouts and personal safety are not yet your 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year concern.

If you don't let her be her own person, you will strangle her- and she will leave you for it. I don't want to scare you, but you need definitive words to snap you away from this behavior.

Think of a relationship like a breast... you can hold it and love it and lavish it with attention, but if you try to hold on too hard, it just causes pain (and that's bad).


[MOD NOTE]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Point Taken Long time member of TFP, just need to conceal my privacy for some reasons.

Understandable, but this is not the way to go about it... in general, if anyone is feeling like they need some posting privacy, feel free to PM a moderator about it.

I know for myself, personally, i've posted a couple of things for other members under my own name and with something to the effect of, "a member here wishes to pose a question but doesn't want their name on it" so the person can retain their anonymity.

This is mostly because we don't allow duplicate accounts per person- but also because there's no reason to register a whole other name just to jump in and ask a question of your fellow TFP'ers.

- analog. [/MOD NOTE]

little_tippler

Live your own life. Have emotional independence. That's the best advice I can give you.

Realize that what you're doing could eventually drive her away, and if you want to keep her, you must stop. It will be hard and you may have to force yourself at first. But with time, the sick feeling will go away. You like her a lot, maybe even love her. So trust her. That's the only way you can be happy together. She hasn't given you any reason not to trust her. So do it.

If she cheats on you later, then so be it. That happens. But maybe it won't and you'll be together a great long time. Don't live your life in fear. Embrace life, with all its high and low points. Bad things don't stop happening just because you make yourself sick with worry. If she called you all the time to tell you where she is, she could be lying anyway. Even if it doesn't work out, you will continue to be alive and hopefully will be able to move on, and perhaps find someone else, different, or better.

So let it go and focus on your own goals and interests, your life, not hers.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

hagatha

You can't have a healthy relationship if you're in a less than healthy place yourself. Deal with the anxiety issues then approach the relationship issues with a better attitude.

__________________
Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

Acetylene

If you freak her out with your jealousy and insecurity, she will leave, and that's a fact. You aren't her father and she doesn't need to tell you she got home safe.

Furthermore, 40 minutes isn't a long distance relationship; it's a less-convenient relationship. Don't worry! You are not subject to the ills of a real LDR.

Finally, you have an anxiety disorder. Your body's stress responses are inappropriately high and it is interfering with your life functions: this is medically treatable. In college you can get free psychiatric help, generally, and you should make IMMEDIATE use of it. Every day you wait just wears out your body more, and you will eventually get really sick (mono, flu, take your pick).

It Is NOT your girlfriend's job to coddle your mental health needs; it is YOUR job to take care of yourself. She will thank you and love you all the more for taking steps to help yourself! Good uck, and know everyone is rooting for you

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

Seaver

I just ended a 2 year relationship. I can tell you the number 1 thing that drove me nuts is when she would pull what you're doing to your girl.

You do not trust her, therefore to her you are already accusing her of cheating. Justify it all you want, how she's this helpless little deer you're trying to save from the wolves, or whatever. It comes down to the simple truth that you do not trust her.

My final words to my ex were, "if you keep digging and treating me like a cheater then I might as well become one."

Get over your insecurities, it all comes down to the fact that you believe she is too good for you. You believe that there's no way this woman should be with you, well she's with you so stop freaking out and enjoy it.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

surferlove007

Sounds extra stressful. In all honesty it sounds like you don't trust her because you don't know whats going on...sort of you're in a lack of control position. Trust is the only way relationships work, which I'm sure you know by now.
Lemme tell you, usually your gut has an intuition telling you something is wrong, maybe she is cheating on you with some random guy and you'll never know or maybe it's nothing but fears coming to surface about losing her.
You guys should have a serious talk about it, if these feelings persist for a while then something is off and thats not good, either she is cheating or you're just overprotective and possibly jealous.
I had a boyfriend go to New Zealand for three months, unfortunately it took a severe toll on my Junior year in high school. He was very insensative to the time when to call me, usually about 4 or 5 in the morning, and would complain that I didn't love him if I wanted to go back to bed and sleep a few more hours before going to school, so I'd make the sleep sacrifce and stay up and talk. Before he left for New Zealand we were in a LDR for about a year and a few months, he would always call late at night when he was out with his friends and got home to let me know he was safe. I didn't mind because it would ease my mind, but looking back now I hate myself for putting up with interrupted sleep for nearly two years.
One night I had asked him not to call me so I could sleep the entire night, and the next day when I called him at lunch from school he went off on me, saying I didn't love him and that he hated me and that it was over. Total shocker, broke my heart and then that night he called and we made up, I should of left his dumbass right there...back to the point (sorry for the ramble) it was apparent the trust between us was fading. Long Distance is very stressful, we were fine until he started panicking about me and what I was doing, nothing by the way. It totally ruined the relationship. He constantly asked if I loved him and if I had cheated on him. Not to mention he was very insecure about his looks.
Another point, try not to appear insecure about losing this girl. If she is true, then she's most likely not doing anything behind your back, especially if she's maintaining a LDR with you while in college, which sounds pretty rough.
Y'all probably need to have a good talk about stuff if you are losing sleep over this, or perhaps take a break and get your priorities in order involving your life.
Sorry this is so long.
I know when I was with that guy for two years, I shouldn't of put up with so much stuff that he did to me, put me through, made me cry so much, felt like I couldn't live without, but I did learn that after such a trainwreck you survive, and get back on your feet. Either way this works out, you'll know what's right, and hopefully what is wrong even though you might not want to admit it to yourself.

Sultana

This is all exactly right on the money. Listen to Acetylene. And good uck.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Ourcrazymodern?

Jealousy is wrong. It implies believing ownership of the SO. Doesn't this have to be wrong? If you want to be an owner, get there and possess it or quit your fucking bitching.
Trust is hard but it beats the alternative, especially for the SO.
Don't go for "medical" treatments if you can avoid them. Chemicals will only confuse the issues and it sounds like you have plenty of those.
Love life, and love your fellow humans when you can. Have you got any pets?

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

Point Taken

No pets. Been contemplating a dog though recently. I think it might be a good idea.

Thank you everyone for the responses and advice. Today went by fine for me, had a bit of an interesting morning, didn't sleep, but I quickly brushed the thoughts away and fell back asleep. Mind over matter, I am stronger than this and I KNOW I can make things better. Just not easy, but I'll do it.

Mantus

Yaouch PT. That type of neediness is the #1 way to loose a girl…or anyone for that mater. It’s not healthy.

Women want you to be part of your life’s adventure not THE adventure. Have more important things in your life then this girl.

My advice is to join a gym and/or a competitive sports league. Exercise is great for dealing with stress. Create a list of goals for yourself based on 3 month and two year plans. Look at them every morning and figure out what you can do that day get closer to each of those goals. Get yourself some female friends to hang with – you need some extra pheromones in your life. Go to a social event once a week. Any time you feel stressed put on Bach, light a candle and stare at the flame…it will put your mind into a relaxed alpha state.

surferlove007

Definately! The gym is an awesome way to relieve stress, plus it's healthy! Take up cycling, or swimming, some type of sport.

jt6879

Good luck getting over the anxiety. But you definately need to back way off, or else shes going to end up cheating on you, just based on your ridiculous demands. I had a g/f like that and I was always calling ( I was way younger) and she ended up screwing around on me. Let her come to you when shes ready, and if she doesnt its a clear signal to get on with your life.

Trust me, no woman is worth that anxiety and if she were she wouldnt put you through it.

__________________
Just remember this my friend, when you look up at the sky, you can see the stars and still not see the light..

Acetylene

Thanks for the +1, Sultana. Oops on the typo :P

A dog is a great distraction and it is nice to have someone around who will always, always love you. Whoever says money can't buy love obviously never bought a puppy!

That being said, make sure you do it right--read a lot of books (not just websites) first, so you can speak "dog" as well as you speak English. Otherwise, you will not even be able to tell how your dog feels about you, much less express your own love to the dog in a way he can understand, and that is a sad thing. Fortunately it is easily avoided!

Keep in mind that buying a puppy will not reduce your stress, at least not until it grows up--especially if you are a naturally protective person. You will want to fuss over every soft stool and loose tooth for months (trust me, I've been there). Also, while trying to help yourself without doctors is good (and necessary, as your participation is vital to your good health), don't sell yourself short by thinking it's weak or unhelpful to visit doctors and accept their help. I'm not saying you need drugs--you might only need some talk therapy--but it is making things unnecessarily difficult if you have a real chemical imbalance in your body and do not take the medications that will fix it for you.

I have never been treated for an anxiety disorder but I was treated for depression for about a year. Antidepressants don't "fix" you, they make it possible to fix YOURSELF. People stay on their drugs for years and years if they don't take action to help themselves become idependently healthy, and give these meds a bad name as a crutch or unnatural thing. But the truth of the matter is, there was help available to me and I would have been a fool not to take it. I had already struggled for years to heal myself and simply did not have the strength to make the changes I needed without help. All prozac did for me was to give me more energy and more strength to deal with my life in the way it needed to be dealt with. At first, it gave me the strength to eat and shower (my roommate appreciated this). Eventually it gave me the strength to get a job and a new boyfriend who wasn't a piece of sh*t. At that point I was done with it, my life was working on its own, and I stopped taking the drug. Now I can run my life on my own.

I don't want to push anything on anyone. I just want to put my own experience out there. I think that staying off the drug out of some fear that it would make me sick or unnatural would have been the worst decision of my whole life. I doubt I could have finished college. I might now be dead, who knows?

It's true that drugs can be abused and misused, but when you have an infection, you are a fool not to take your antibiotics, right?

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

Toaster126

As I get older, I realize more and more there isn't a "right" and a "wrong". There is just stuff I agree with, and stuff I don't. And that can change. I think how people percieve a situation has at least as much to do with themselves as it does with the actual situation.

I'm not going to give any more advice to someone who hides behind a fake name, but if the person chooses to, I would be happy to talk to them about this. Take some inspiration from people on TFP that have spoken about much more personal stuff than this.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Cynthetiq

and that's why I've not posted in this thread. I'll 2nd the "get over it" part. People here have bared their souls to some degree, it was uncomfortable and we've each become better people for it.

right? wrong? why is there a judgement made on how someone feels. How someone feels is never wrong, it's just how they feel. How we react to our feelings or someone else's feelings, that can be judged as right or wrong.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

cj2112

I was always under the impression that having multiple accounts would get one banned.

Point Taken

I'm concealing my real user name from my SO who used to/may still lurk through the site. If this violates the terms forgive me. Just trying to get some sound advice from people who have helped out tremendously in the past.

Cynthetiq

So you are concealing your real user name from a SO who used to or may still lurk through the site? Or are you referring to one of the people who you are writing about?

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Point Taken

Concealing the real name from the SO who may still lurk. Loooong story.

Cynthetiq

I think you owe it to the community to reveal why it's so important that you shield your original SN since people here reveal lots of themselves and significant others be damned.

Seems rather selfish of you IMO and telling of the control issues you seem to have.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

cadre

I think that this kind of thing is somewhat common with couples that find themselves in a long distance relationship after having been close to each other. I know that I was in your position but not to the same extent, it is still hard for me but i will be moving there in january so hopefully all problems will be solved. I don't think that the extent to which this is bothering you is healthy though, a pet is an option but I would consider talking to a doctor about it. Just don't get talked into taking pills that you don't need. I hope that helps.

__________________
My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

cj2112

a 40 min drive is NOT a LDR, it is less convenient, it means you might have to look at your gas gauge before going to see each other, but by no means is 40 miles a long distance.

cadre

I wouldn't necessarily say that, I mean if she's in school the distance itself might not even be what's keeping them apart but more of the little amount of time they have to drive around. Maybe I'm wrong here but that's how I see it.

__________________
My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

macmanmike6100

cynthe, this guy has his reasons...i wouldn't go so far as to call the guy selfish

perhaps I understand, as I'm a little paranoid, but really he was good enough to admit that he created a second account in the first place, when of course he didn't have to reveal that at all

back to the topic, I wouldn't say that either of you are wrong, but you're definitely having trouble handling the long-distance relationship. trust was brought, rightly. my suggestion is to think about why you're so worried, and then talk with her to maybe come up with little things she can do to help you feel better about the relationship.

if she's willing to be in this LDR, then she should be willing to talk with you about this, not just dismiss it as crazy.

Cynthetiq

Fair enough macman.

I was going to add more here, but then came up with

Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said by me?
Does this need to be said now?

And I came up with the delete button.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.