Long time member of TFP, just need to conceal my privacy for some reasons.
Need to get this off my chest, it's really taking a toll on me.
Lets start.
Went out one night in January with some friends of mine from town to a cafe up north, 30 min or so drive. We met up with 2 girls, one I knew from town and the other who I will call Racheal was from the town over whom I never met and was roommates with the girl. Found her attractive right off the bat. Nothing ever really came about right away. Fast forward to June of this year, we happened to just stumble upon each other back home and started hanging out regularly. I had been single for about a year and a half, I was in a 2 year relationship that I ended due to my ex's psychotic nature. I was enjoying the single life and wasn't really looking for anything serious. The more we hung out, the more I noticed that Racheal had taken interest in me. It was obvious, the way she would make eye contact, the fact that she would make it a point to want to hang out with me, etc. Late August came around and I was going out of the country for about 3 weeks. We still hung out a bunch, and the night prior to me leaving we kissed and it began there. I was gone for that time frame, called her a few times during the trip to say hello and catch up.
I came back and she had gone back to school about 40 mins away. Things were great, I fell head over heels for her and vice versa. We took things a step further and put ourselves both in a relationship, officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We both knew it would be somewhat harder having a "long" distance relationship than one in which we were 5 minutes away from each other. Fine and dandy. From MY knowledge and experience, when two people are serious about each other, they make it a point. Communication is key when you can't see your SO as often as usual. Phone calls, text messages, IM convos, etc, just to keep up with each other. I am one that enjoys hearing from her throughout the day. Not every hour of the day, but, say she is on break, a phone call to say hello hows your day going, would not hurt. She feels like it is something that isn't necessary. I say ok, and take it down a notch, conversation goes to a minimum, she doesn't like to be smothered with attention as she is a laid back type of girl.
Here is where the problem lies. I believe I have anxiety. I haven't been to a doctor to check up on it, but I think I am giving myself more problems than I really should. I am a nervous/stressful wreck most of the day. I trust her, but I am always wondering what she is doing. Being away at school leaves her in a totally different environment than when she is home. I trust her I just don't trust others. I wake up in the mornings sometimes very early and cannot sleep anymore. I am tired, I lay in bed feeling sick to my stomach and at times need to get up because I have the urge to vomit. Nothing but saliva comes out. I am worrying myself sick. Why?! I know for a fact that she has strong feelings for me but feel as if I am luring her away by being the way that I am. She doesn't know of these incidents in which I get this way. Today I have spent all day feeling this way. I am writing about this thinking how stupid I am for doing such a thing. I don't each much, I keep stressing out. She wants to have fun while she is at school and not have me be such an annoyance due to my ways. She feels she doesnt have to give me a call at 4am letting me know she is home safe. I want one just to make me feel at ease. She says I'm insane for thinking like that.
I don't even know what to say. Someone give me some advice, its more of what can I do to stop being like this. This relationship can work if I change my ways, but I cannot help it for the life of me. Please.
Terribly sorry for the rant.
