Poppinjay

From my point of view, moving in at any time is crazy. I was exactly where you are before getting married. I liked my place, I liked being able to go get a paper and coffee every saturday morning, or being able to sit out on my balcony and generally be free.

I also loved my future wife and we moved in together an hour after getting married. Not one second before.

I have never understood what (barring obstacles such as finances or relocation) the whole appeal of co-habitation is. Is it the reduction of space? Is it the joy of having to be considerate of another person's concerns without any binding ties? Is it the handing your nuts over in a change purse?

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

CaliLivChick

The reason I did it, and I'm glad I did, is to make sure that I'm compatible with the person, really compatible, before making that commitment. We dated for almost six years before moving in together, and since October, I've found out things that he wasn't sharing with me when we were just dating. Things that I don't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with.

If I had married him before moving in together, I wouldn't have known just how much my credit score would have gone down, just how much I would have had to take charge of the finances and treat him like a child when it comes to money, and just how much he actually doesn't want to have any more children. Honesty and full disclosure has to be a two way street, and I didn't know that he wasn't telling me everything. Things would have been a LOT messier had I found this out after we were legally connected, because I'm not willing to settle for a relationship like this, and won't accept it for the rest of my life.

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Don't trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die. Oh wait, that's me... nevermind... you can trust me.

Ample

I WAS going to say for the sake of arguement, that moving in is a pretty big step and some people will never feel that they are fully ready. Also, part of loving someone is bending to them. You know putting the other person ahead of yourself, and maybe you should go with your heart this time.

HOWEVER, I read a little more and saw that she recently cheated on you. No dice bro. She sounds like the type of person that needs the power in the relationship, and she lost some of her footing. THis seems like a ploy to regain the upperhand. You can forgive her, like you said, but regaining her trust doesnt come that quickly.

Wounds need time to become scars. Moving in while you are still healing is not a good idea, it could reopen that wound.

Poppinjay

Different strokes for different folks. I don't think I would have been able to keep up a charade of fiscal responsibility for six years of dating.

I can't help but wonder, did you love him?

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

taboo

i say trust your gut feeling--if you're even slightly hesitant, DON'T do it.
You'll regret not having listened to your gut instinct. And personally when I feel pressured by someone to do something, I tend to go the other way. They need to respect your "readiness", and not pressure you. Everything takes time.

ShaniFaye

Im sorry, I just have to say....if you are living with the right person, you dont give anything up. Not one time in almost 3 years do I feel like I've "lost or given up" one damn thing. If we want quiet time we give the other quiet time, if one of us wants friends over...those friends come over. I gained by living with Dave before marriage.....not given up.

(this is gonna sound wrong and I dont mean it to...but I know it will)
HOW does a person "love" someone they dont want to spend all their time with?

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

abaya

Poppinjay, thanks for this post. Very honest and helpful, I think... and points out that even though it's nice to have your own space, if you really love someone, it all goes out the window! I have no problem with never living together before getting married; in fact, I prefer it. Then again, I also don't begrudge people who choose to live together beforehand, but I don't see much of a need for it.

As for finding out finances, neatness, etc habits... well, it doesn't take much to bring up those topics in a deep and serious conversation, or to simply observe someone's habits over the period of a year or two. I consider myself a very observative, inquisitive, analytical, nosy, and downright intense person, and anyone who has put up with my scrutiny of every aspect of their life for two years (and still loves me) is going to be hard-pressed to shock me with any insane, crazy lifestyle habits once we move in together. (Talkin' bout my beloved boyfriend.)

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Poppinjay

I don't begrudge anybody who has a live-in arrangement. A grudge would suggest jealousy.

I would never offer unsolicited advice, and likely wouldn't think about it much, actually. It's just one of those things I don't understand. Plus, like a lot of people, I've known those types who constantly move from short term relationship to short term relationship treating them as if they are the answer to housing needs.

I sort of wonder if that's the case with OP's girlfriend.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

CaliLivChick

Still do love him, and am trying to help him get on his feet financially before he goes out on his own again. However, in this case, I don't think he'll learn from his mistakes, even though I hope against hope that he does. I'm not willing to bet the rest of my life on that, though.

abaya, I agree, it doesn't take much to bring up the topics, but it does take honesty going both ways (which it wasn't). Observing his habits is all well and good, and I did, but he hid a lot of stuff/purchases, and I've found things, even in the last couple weeks that were hidden.

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Don't trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die. Oh wait, that's me... nevermind... you can trust me.

snowy

I think you do lose some of your freedoms, if only out of respect for the other person. For instance, I can't just drop everything and drive up to my parents' without a moment's notice--being in a relationship and having respect for my partner means telling him where I am going and/or planning in advance, especially for big trips such as that. If I just got up and left the apartment, I think he'd probably be a little puzzled, maybe even a little hurt that I didn't tell him where I was going or what I was doing--though sometimes I do tell him that I am going on a "mystery adventure" and he just has to live with that explanation.

I also can't be as fiscally irresponsible as I once was because I feel that I have another person to think of when spending. I suppose in the end the loss of that freedom is really something gained--I've saved a lot more money than I ever have before.

But yes, I think in the end it is a case of something lost but far more gained, in the right situation.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Infinite_Loser

I don't really think so, as she's almost always lived alone.

ShaniFaye

lol I guess Dave and I are just different. I dont see telling him that Im leaving to go somewhere without him as losing a freedom...I see it as being courteous

I give up on this, and the other discussion that I somehow sparked....I will just accept that dave and I live in a different reality and be perfectly happy with how it works hehehe

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Poppinjay

The way onesnowyowl puts it though, is that losing a freedom is not always a bad thing. And it's not so much a loss of freedom as it is respect for your SO.

Different tastes are negotiated when a couple goes to a movie, restaurant, monster truck rally... I spent a recent bachekor weekend renting all the DVDs I've been wanting to see that I know Ms. Poppy wouldn't appreciate.

It's the type of abating freedoms that is described as sacrifice, which is generally a good thing. You give some, you gets some.

And now the thread is completely jacked.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

pornclerk

If you do not feel completely comfortable moving in with her I would highly recommend against it. If you do it because you feel pressured then you will only end up resenting her and maybe even breaking up. Women have a natural tendency to push all the committment bullshit, and I am guilty of it myself at times. The point is that she needs to understand where you are coming from because you make a very rational arguement. If she can't understand your point of view now when you are living seperately, then it could end up being your worst nightmare if you move in with her.

uptown

Sit down and reread what you wrote about how she's only spent the night at your place 3-4 times over the course of a 2 yr relationship.

Over time most relationships either end or they slowly,naturally progress further, spending weekends, living together,engagement,marriage.

There's been no progression over time in the status of this relationship and that speaks volumes. The two of you have basically just been treading water.
not going forward but not having the courage to directly address the issue.

If I were you I'd sit her down and tell her that you find her a fun gal to hang out with,that the sex has been decent but that you don't see her as live in SO or wife material, then either agree to a non-excluisive relationship or end it entirely.

These kind of stalled relationships can drag on and on forever and are the type of relationship that ends up leaving people jaded and too bitter to appreciate or even recognise the next great potential partner they might meet.

Btw, if you sit down and really get honest with yourself I think you might realise that you were able to forgive her cheating because you're not really all that into her.. you know it,she obviously knows it and it goes unsaid but not unfelt by you both. I'd end it.

Impetuous1

Ouch! I think you may have hit the nail on the head. Very good observation.

thespian86

Maybe I'm still too young not to see the complications in living together but as soon as I knew it was time I asked my now fiancee because I wanted to see her when I woke up in the morning and I want to be able to say good night without her jumping from the car. We got a small sublet appartment in my town and we are right downtown. It's perfect.

i think "preasuring" is certainly wrong but I don't see anything wrong with sharing your living place. But thats me.

By the sound of it the two problems are that you like having the freedom to do as you please, and that she has a problem with this lack of commitment. That is what this is, a lack of commitment. She may be going about this the wrong way, I believe she is, but she is right, you arn't able to commit to that lifestyle yet. Tell her you are commited to take it farther and commited to keep seeing her but you arn't comfortable with that yet. If she loves you she will stick around.

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.