:::OshnSoul:::

Do ALL if not most guys really check out porn? I mean.......I know it may sound like a stupid question, but guess I was raised in a hole and now seeing the light......but finding out that it could just be a natural/normal habit of men.....I'm trying to be comfortable with it, but when it's done in secrecy and I find out.....makes me feel like A) I'm not enough/I don't have good enough qualities being a female, B) like women really are just tools/pieces of meat

but then that could just be some weird fixation planted in my head.

Why do guys need this? Even if they are in a serious, devoted relationship???? Why are they curious about this?

Are there any women out there who are comfortable with this? Or not?

To be honest, I myself have been kind of curious- I casually checked out some sites a long time ago, but just didn't continue......but I will say there is something that turns me on about watching people/other women...but if I say that to my SO, I don't want him to think that he can just check out other women whenever he wants and I don't want to feel like I give him the okay to be turned on by them.....I want him to be turned on to ME.........I thought about bringing this up with him.......maybe watching some decent videos together or even doing our own........but anyways.........

Please share your thoughts and opinions- men and women.........thanks!

ShaniFaye

I wouldnt care if he did, but Dave doesnt surf porn or watch porn movies, he hasnt the entire time I've known him....the closest he gets to looking at other naked women is pictures I might point out to him here in the exhibition thread, or those that my members post on my board.

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Charlatan

Guys like to masturbate. Guys like to fantasize when they masturbate. Porn provides material for fantasy.

It has little to nothing to do with a dedicated relationship. I find that women who react negatively to their SO viewing porn have issues have insecurities with their own self image.

My wife doesn't love that I have some porn but she has realized that it means nothing. I keep it out of her sight of respect for her wishes.

I have had friends breakup because his girlfriend didn't like that he kept porn. He made an effort to rid his apartment of porn. She found a fashion magazine at his place once. She lost it on him. Frankly my thought was that in finding a fashion magazine I'd be more concerned he was gay...

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Powderedmaggot

Do you like to look at art? Same thing, we like to look at pleasing female forms.

snowy

I don't care if he has porn. Doesn't bug me a bit. He doesn't look at it often...and when he does he watches my porn, haha! Seriously, I have more porn than my guy does.

The thing is...guys get horny...guys are visual creatures...etc. It's not about porn being a replacement of you--because pornography could never be a replacement for a real live human being and real live human contact. For most men it's a matter of convenience, timing, and that visual element. They really are two different things, and a guy having porn, in my mind, is nothing to worry over/be jealous about.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

vanblah

You answered your own question:

Why does he feel the need to watch porn in secret / I don't want him to think it's okay to be turned on by them.

There's also a certain social stigma associated with watching porn. I don't understand it but it's there. Some people never get past it.

Charlatan answered the real question. Guys like to watch -- more so than women.

Crack

this is the trap women fall into a lot, they see their guys looking at a picture (or video) on the internet or tv, and think 'is that what he wants me to be?' or 'I must not be fulfilling some need he has.' the truth is, you are not going to. You won't. Don't even try to. You will fail, and it will be messy.
Looking a porn to guys is like girls buying shoes. It's just ingrained in the man's psyche. It's just something we just do. We don't love you any less, we don't want you to look or act like the girl in the movie. That is what she is there for.
As much as you try to get involved in his 'porn watching' is as much as he will withdraw, and try even harder to keep it secret (this is not the case for all guys, so bear with me here) Porn is there to look at, and we like to look. Does it mean we have a desire to go out and have sex with these women? Yes! We do! Will we? Not a chance! Even if given the opportunity, the guys in a serious relationship won't! If there is a trust issue, which might be the basis of any insecurities you might have in the first place then that is something that you have to work out as an aside from the porn. Talk to him, ask him why he looks at the porn in the first place! It might surprise you to know that it is a brief escape from the real world where girls are scary, and hardly ever remove their clothes on a whim, and look like they are doing it just for you. As long as it does not become the sole purpose of the day, and his only reason to get out of bed in the morning, then it's innocent. Think of it in that way.

Do we all do it? Yes! Does it mean anything? No! Will it hurt your relationship if you tell him to stop? Most deffinatly! What if he told you what he wanted or didn't want you to look at?
Maybe take up a man-porn fixation of your own and see what he says...

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

BigBen

Like dogs howling in the middle of the night;
Like earthworms crawling across the sidewalk in the rain;
Like the ebb and flow of the Atlantic Tide;

Men like looking at women. Please read that again. It bears a second look.

Strip clubs, magazines, videos and the Internet.

Men will spend hard earned money to see a woman in a state of undress. It provides a rush of instinctual chemicals that makes us feel the best we can possibly feel.

Now if this is not okay with you, then it is not okay with you. Talk to him and discuss it. Men are not uncontrolable hormonal urges. We want to make our partner happy, and if porn does not make her happy, we try to accomodate that.

Please do not compare yourself with porn. That has led to unhealthy self-images, eating disorders and depression. We like looking at models, but we want to have sex with the person we are involved with. Those chemicals feel good.

Yes, the vast, vast majority of men look at porn. Your father, uncles and grandfather looked at it too. It is something that makes us men, and for you to be upset is understandable and off-base. We are not in a comparison here. We like looking at ALL women, in all sorts of stages of undress. We look at women as we walk down the street, as we shop for groceries, as we pay bills. We are constantly looking, and wondering what that woman looks like with her kit off. Does she look like that one porn model you saw last week, or more like that one-night-stand you had back in '99? I wonder...

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Dane Bramage

I must concure what the others have said. Men (and even some women) like to look at other people having sex. It turns them on.

My question is more why it bothers you (or anyone that it bothers for that matter). You react emotionally to it as if we are having an affair with the video. As if, our beating off to a video is paramount to having sex with some one else. Just because we are thinking about it. To me that seems unfair.

If you love the guy, then why does the fact that he likes porn change that? Is porn so bad, that it changes all the good things about him? Does it make you incapable of being happy with him? These are the questions better answered. Not why we do it... buy why do you hate it, and how does that effect your relationship.

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MEAD

Men are predisposed to do two things: 1) fight or 2) have sex. You can blame the effects of testosterone on that. But in a western society these urges are called on to be sublimated. With stable politics and strict law enforcement there really isnt such a big chance for guys to deal with their primal urges of violence. Men are also made to conform to monogamy in this culture, and take into account that most women don't want to have sex as often as a man. This leaves you with one frustrated man who is not getting his fill of violence or sex. There has to be subsitutes so for these urges (i.e. sports/ video games for violence, porn for sex). No woman has the right to ask us to give either of those things up, if we do it's our own choice and you should be really grateful that we would do it for you. It's like women want us to feel bad for being men. It really upsets me when someone asks you to NOT be yourself.

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Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

Sultana

Like to be comfortable with men looking at porn?
I'm just sayin...

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Dane Bramage

No... you are absolutely right. If she can't be comfortable with it, then she might need to move on. Now... there is something to be said for sacrifice and giving up things for love... but to insist or expect...

__________________
Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Kurt Vonnegut - Sirens of Titan

ngdawg

You seem to have difficulties speaking your mind to your SO. By holding in what is either bothering you or something you wish to explore, you're not giving yourself fully to this person, number one and number two, you WILL explode at some point (we all do when we withhold) and it will most likely be at a most inopportune time. If some part about Porn turns you on, SAY so and if something about it is either incomprehensible or a turn off, SAY so.
Men check out women, it's in their DNA and you holding your feelings inside in the belief that he won't as long as you remain silent is a major mistake. Hell, join in! Point out the cuties and have a discussion about them! Trust me, doing so is NOT going to have him running up to them, leaving you in his dust.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Coppertop

This strikes me as being a very controlling comment. Being turned on by other women and being turned on by you need not be exclusive. Men are going to be turned on by women, period. This does not mean he sees you as being lesser somehow.

Is your man the only one you see who does anything for you? How would you feel if that comment was directed your way, if he felt you should not be turned on by any other man?

Sweetpea

Porn is Porn. It's nice to look at... it's human nature in my opinion.

I look at it more than my husband does. We look at it together, we have sex sometimes with it on... we share it. We masturbate separately to it and together to it. We also have times where we don't have porn at all and we're just all about each other.

We didn't use to be this way ... because i was insecure about it and i was insecure with Myself. But i've grown alot as a woman and grown past the way i used to view myself and our relationship...
So what if your S.O. gets turned on by another woman (or you by another man) when you look at such images... that doesn't change your relationship or what you have together in the least.

Some people think porn is bad/immoral... and that's okay to reject it on that basis.
However....
If you don't think it's immoral and you're just rejecting it based on how it makes you Feel... then i would look further into WHY you're feeling that way.
Insecurity rears it's nasty head at the oddest times... recognize it and address Why you're feeling that way in your relationship... not the porn.

And even if he stopped looking at porn... it wouldn't change what the core issue you're having. I may be way off here.. but i suspect your feelings about porn is only a symptom of what might really be bothering you.

sweetpea

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Ustwo

You covered a lot in your post and there are many different questions there.

For most men one woman is NOT enough. If this were true the number of cheating husbands would be a lot lower, this is just a fact of our biology. Our genes tell us to fuck early and often with as many as we can get. We might come home to a supermodel wife who is great in bed but we still will start to want others too.

Now some of us get to have our cake and eat it too (thanks Mrs. Ustwo ) but for those who are not porn is a way to get what our genes are screaming for which is variety.

Now this is something you should repeat to yourself.....

Seeing the vaginas and breasts of other women will turn my SO on.

You can't change this HE can't change it, its why he wanted you in the first place. Trying to make him feel guilty and you being hurt will only make the issue worse not better.

You said you went to those sites and were turned on, well rather than making him hide it, go to those sites together. Explore your own desires/fantasys with him rather than trying to keep him from having which is only natural.

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snowy

Yes, I'm going to have to agree with sweetpea here...I think this being bothered by porn thing is a symptom of a larger issue. It's up to you to discover what that is, but I'll tell you what: if you can't talk to him about it/openly communicate, then nothing will ever get resolved.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

shesus

I think all guys look at it and the guys that say they don't...well, I would hate to accuse them of lying...but...

I found a secret stash of porn once. Not that he was trying to keep it secret, I was just in a depression and he wasn't sure how I would handle it. I found it..got off myself..and then got mad just to piss him off. But I really don't have a problem with it. I was raised around it and see nothing wrong with it.

I don't think that guys do it to compare their SO to. I think it's just sex and people, well most people, like sex. I don't watch porn much. I read erotica. I like to use my imagination more than watch it being played out for me. I like to put in my own characters, etc.

Anyway...you need to get rid of your insecurities. It's not a measure of how good or bad you are. You could have sex everyday and porn would probably still be around. Just bring it up in a non-accusatory way. Mention in general terms and ask why he watches it. Or not, I don't really think it's a big deal honestly.

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onodrim

Couldn't agree more. Men are attracted to good looking women, it's science, nothing can change that. It doesn't change or cheapen the relationship you have. There is absolutely no reason to be threatened by porn for that very reason. It's simply a means to fulfilling a need. Just because he enjoys porn doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy you even more. As Charlatan said, being concerned about it is indicative of a greater problem. You need to learn to have either more self confidence or more trust in him.

As already stated, it's biology, men will be turned on by other women, it's not something that can be turned off or ignored. It's no different than the response you would have seeing an attractive man. It's not something you can give permission for. And if he's in a relationship with you, he *is* turned on by you. The sooner you're able to accept this simple fact of life the happier you will be.

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"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
-Carl Sagan

Rinndalir

Put it this way, have you ever read a trashy romance novel, the kind where there's a graphic sex scene every chapter. That's porn. It's just written down instead of in a movie/picture series and has a better plot. Those books are marketed to women while 'traditional' porn is marketed at men for a reason, the difference in how our sex drives work.

My wife has shelves and shelves of those books, the ones with the hunky ripped pirate on the cover holding the swooning woman with her heaving breasts bursting out of her corset. Make no mistake, it's porn. I have the 'normal' stuff on my computer. I don't care if she gets off on reading those novels and she doesn't care if I get off on watching movies because there's no sub for the real thing, only if it starts to take the place of the real thing should it ever be a problem.

Hell, get a digicam/video cam and make your own, it's fun.

Guinevere

I consider porn a private and masturbatory tool. nothing more, nothing less.

SirSeymour

As the comedian Ron White says:

"If you see one woman naked...you want to see them all!"

This is pretty much how most guys are...not all, but most.

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qweds

When I'm in a relationship I watch very little to none unless she's either gone or wants to watch it together. When there's no female in my life i still need to get my rocks off. Porn makes that a lot easier.

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tim(mah)

Willravel

I used to love porn - like most people, then it got old. Every once in a while I look in the TB. Mostly I have no interest in it anymore.

doncalypso

Yeah... I'm starting to feel that way and I'm not even 25 years old yet.

It's sad.

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Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

skier

as Ustwo said:
What's coming across to me is that a lot of your concerns are centered around insecurity and fear of loss in your relationship. It's like pornography is the strawman you've set up over a deeper issue that you have with your SO. You should have a deep talk with him about porn, sex, and your relationship and bring your concerns out in the open where you can both figure out a solution, or even just an understanding of the problem.

Or I could be reading the whole situation wrong. *shrug* Either way, a good long talk is always productive.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Willravel

Is it? I have more time to devote to constructive ventures. While beating off to a pic of Catherine Bell can be dandy, making time to play with my daughter or work on my car gives me a longer lasting sense of bliss. If you're feeling randy, have a go with your wife/gf/so.

Fob_Magi

I love porn, I've loved porn for like 17 years... I love to look at women, naked, clothed, real life, on the tv, on the computer.... most guys I know are in the same boat (not all have the same passion and zeal for it as me but hey we can't all be so grand).... I think my sig pretty much says it all...

now as for the question of objectifying women.. yes women can be objects... men can be objects too... my auto mechanic is not a person he is an object 'a mechanic', same for my plumber, the guy at the supermarket.. pretty much anybody I have never had a conversation with is represented in my mind as an object based upon what they do... an attractive woman as a sex toy. Does this mean a plumber can't be my friend? no if I happen to become friends with him he will cease to be seen as a plumber to me he will become a person, my friend. Same thing, my wife and the women I know cease to be sex objects and become persons... maybe I'm crazy and rambling tho....

oh if it were only so easy, what of those people (i.e. ME) who have a much higher sex drive than their wife... if I couldnt beat off to a little porn every now and then I'd be a very mean, MEAN, ANGRY, FUCKING ANGRY person.. I need a little relief to not kill people =)

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Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward.
Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven".
Such is the Rule of Honor.

Willravel

Fob, you need to find your wifes button. It took me almost a year to find my wifes button....but omg it was worth it. Every woman has a button. Every person has a button, for that matter.

Fob_Magi

well my wifes button was taken away by her birth control pills (at least I think, I'm sure some of it is just time)...

we used to have lots of sex... then she changed pills cause she was having negative side effects... she had to try like 3 more to get something that didnt have any negative side effects (omg she was on this one... she wanted so much sex she almost killed me... I miss those days) the one she is on now kills her sex drive... I think its the worst of all of the side effects, but she doesnt seem to agree... :*(

__________________
Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward.
Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven".
Such is the Rule of Honor.

Willravel

Then your wifes button is...spermacide?

Fob_Magi

she has really bad cramps if she is not on the pill... she has been on it since she was like 13... not to mention she is allergic to any condom w/ spermacide I have accidentally bought... I want a vaesectomy.. but thats still a few months out of the budget.... anyways this is getting off subject something fierce... lol

__________________
Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward.
Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven".
Such is the Rule of Honor.

ngdawg

Hey, don't knock it. When I had to go off the pill, I used a spermicide and let me tell YOU....uh...on second thought....
Let's just say we weren't watching much porn, but we could have starred in it

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

analog

I heard that WWII started because Hitler found a Jewish porno mag under Eva's bed called "Matzoh Ballz".

It's amazing how jealousy can lead one towards such irrational thoughts... like, "If he looks at other women, he must not love me enough."

Willravel

Analog, if that wasn't so funny it could be offensive.

analog

Such is analog.

MEAD

Now let's not all jump on this girl's back like she is pure evil. We may be attriubting to her certain insecurities that may not really be so. We all have our own set definitions of infedilty, and much of that has to do with the culture we are in. We are mainly monogymous in America, but certainly some peoples (within or outside of the US) have no problem with polygyny. We might see that as awful, but there is no reason they are wrong, or right for that matter. The thing is that their measurement of infedelity has been created by either a certain upbringing (what they have been told/sold) or indosynchratic behavior. I'd say generally the idea sold to the western masses is that if a guy looks at porn while he's in a realtionship that it is bad, obviously not everyone believes that, but if you do not take the time or do not have enough experience to learn otherwise then it is simple to see how you would take this as truth just because it is what is common. This girl may not have deep rooted insecurities. It may more or less be that she holds a belief based on what she has been told/ sold and has not had a reason to change that belief till now.

__________________
Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

visotech

Men are animals, designed to ripen to sexual maturity at a mere age of 14, but society/morality today does not see it in the same way. Hence masterbation and pornography was invented as a solution to relieve natural urges.

Come on, if there was porn for animals, you know they'd watch it to, rather then hump your leg....

Redjake

Guys watch porn because they like looking at naked women. It goes no further than that. Looking at naked women is fun! We love you too, more than the airbrushed model on the computer screen, but we still like looking at naked women. That's why we like looking at YOU naked. We are an equal opportunity employer of naked women imagery.

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Jinn

No offense, OshnSoul, but I have never seen this issue where it wasn't:

If you think you're the shit, you probably don't care what your boyfriend looks at, because he's WITH you and WANTS you. If you think you suck, you're likely to be jealous of the "girls" in the porn.

There's CERTAINLY something to be said about being considerate and not leaving your tissues, lube, and porn just laying around. That's just being an ass... and I might even say that he were sending you a message. If he's being considerate about it, I'd consider it as inconsequential as combing his hair.

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