abaya

Hi folks,

I've found myself having a fairly negative attitude towards life lately... probably for the last year or so, but more intensely for the last 6-9 months. I am not known for being a negative person, but that's mostly because I either keep to myself and don't let people know my opinion (which is almost always cynical or critical), or I put on a cheerful face and attempt to enjoy what I'm doing.

The semi-happy feeling goes away eventually, though, and so do other people around me (other people tend to make me feel better, not a good sign)... and I end up feeling low and unmotivated to do much. I feel like I used to be more full of life and looking forward to things, but perhaps I was only deluding myself at the time (there's my negativity again). I see my attitude affecting my boyfriend and our relationship... I get very needy and then feel terribly about my neediness. I also see it affecting my studies and my sense of direction. Everything starts to feel meaningless.

I do recognize the signs of depression and wonder if I am exhibiting them. There are many reasons I could come up with to explain this, if it was someone else posting, so let me dispel any questions so far before I get feedback from you guys:

1) I am in my mid-20s and definitely experiencing a quarter-life crisis.

2) I don't have a history of depression, but my mother does, and realize I've taken on more of her attributes than I care to admit.

3) I've been in group counseling for a year and went to individual counseling for a few months in the year before that, when I was teaching high school.

4) I'm in my 2nd year of graduate school going towards a PhD and am taking my candidacy exams (for the MA) in 2 weeks, which are stressing me.

5) I'm in a long-distance relationship (3 hours' drive apart), though the distance thing is only in the last 2 months and we visit each other every weekend. Otherwise we were together for most of our relationship, which is just shy of a year now.

6) Being in a relationship sometimes causes me to get sad and cry for no reason, usually out of a sense of being needy or unloved, which I almost never feel when I'm single... but it's certainly not unique to this relationship (and this is the best relationship I've ever had). I get much more sad now that we are at a distance, but I also had issues when we temporarily lived together for 5 months and we didn't have enough space.

7) I've been on the patch for about a year, and started having sex about a year ago (in said relationship)... and wonder if my sadness has to do with the patch, but as I said, I've felt this way in previous relationships when I wasn't having sex or on bc.

8) I spent my formative years (including college) as a strong evangelical Christian and I lived, breathe, and ate that ideology. Not to judge it, but I spent the last 5 years reversing the brainwashing and only now feel like I am getting free of it. I still have relapses where I start to think the way I used to, and feel guilty and that I'm not living the way I should... causing more sadness and depression. But then I start to think again and remember that I am choosing my life, and that I would rather be sad and deal with what I have now, than go back and be uber-faithful and not deal with reality. I seemed happier then, though, and that's what haunts me. I am not an atheist now, nor do I look down on any particular belief/non-belief system... and I'm probably more Christian/Buddhist than anything else. But I am still quite lost as to where I will eventually land in terms of belief, which stresses me sometimes.

9) And I'm living alone for the first time in my life. I'm an only child but ALWAYS had roommates or family or whatever in the past, and now I have my own apartment and pretty much keep to myself. I'm starting to wonder how healthy this is for me; I chose this so that I could work on being more secure, confident, and independent... but I don't know if I am succeeding or just need more support than I can provide for myself.

Sorry this is so long, but I had to cover all the bases since I know how the TFP usually responds. Please let me know your honest opinion of what, if anything, is wrong... am I depressed or just in a negative stage? What can I possibly do to fix it? I'm going to try individual counseling again as soon as I finish my exams, but damn, I'd do anything to get this shit off my back and gain my intrinsic sense of worth and motivation back.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

maleficent

Just sounds like a lot of changes going on in your life all at once, and what you are going thru is just growing pains, or rather growing up pains.

I wouldn't rule out your method of birth control as screwing with your psyche, but in all that you are doing... what you are missing is stuff that is completely for you.

When do you have fun?

__________________

Seanland

In All Honesty, it sounds like both your attitude and your depression are a problem that feed each other. It seems that your attitude is because your depressed and your depressed because of your attitude. This may sound stereotypical but it seems to be a common trait among female teachers. I say this because one of my good friend's mother is a teacher who became over stressed from I believe school and teaching. She eventually saw a psychiatrist and was advised that she should take a year of from teaching cause of her stress.

So Do You think that you might just be over-stressed?
You say you were teaching, and that your going for a PhD, plus your relationship issues (long distance, etc.)
Maybe you should try to find sometime to do something you like to do, away from the world, like a trip or a break just to relax, It seems to have helped my friend's mother, I mean she was a wreck, but it seems that she is alot better.

Seanland

Thats what im trying to say in 1 sentence

abaya

Fun... heh, good question. Well, I do enjoy when my boyfriend and I are together, but that's only on weekends. And since grad school is taking up so much of my time these days, even on weekends we mostly sleep or lay around doing nothing... I want to get up and go hiking, climbing or even shopping, but somehow we don't find the energy or will to do so. The weather in PA has not helped, either. We do have some groups of friends who throw fun parties once or twice a month, so we make it a point to go to those and have a good time dancing and socializing (did this Fri and Sat night). And sometimes we rent movies, watch them with friends or ourselves. I had fun when he gave me an incredible foot massage last night...

But I have a hard time going out and doing fun things by myself, I guess... didn't use to be that way. I keep saying that I don't have time, as I know how behind I usually am in work/studies, which never seem to end. I often think that if I wasn't in school, just had a normal, boring job and working 9-5, then I could really enjoy my evenings and try some new things. But for now I think I'd better stick with my PhD program and see if I can change my lifestyle in other ways. Suggestions?

Oh, and I will take some trips this summer, to Zambia and Iceland... cool, I know. And at first I was looking forward to these, but now I'm getting scared about all the work I'll have to do for them (they are for research, not vacation) and how I'll be apart from my boyfriend for 3 months. Irrational fears, all... but still there. So I guess I haven't really done anything just *for me* in a long time. I'm not sure if I know how to anymore?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

maleficent

Since you're in school, I'd imagine there are some student run activities, what about some type of game - -either softball league, or volleyball something that could get you out- and even running around a little. It wouldn't be an every night thing to take you away from your studies, but it might be just the weekly break you need to help you get focused on your studies.

__________________

abaya

Well, last year I rock-climbed weekly at the YMCA and that was something I really looked forward to. This year, however, I found that my motivation went down for two reasons: one was my schedule, as my "climbing nights" were now the busiest nights/days of the week for me (also, last year I didn't mind sleeping 4-5 hours on climbing nights; this year I tried to sleep a LITTLE more regularly and sacrificed my activities as a result). The other reason was that in my head, I didn't have as much motivation to go if my boyfriend didn't feel like going... and he was sorta feeling down for most of the fall season, too, so we ended up not doing much of anything active, either together or apart.

Looking back, if my schedule had been better, I definitely would have gone climbing more even if my boyfriend hadn't wanted to go... but as a result, the two in combination made for a bad situation.

So now I don't have much desire to rock climb again, though I will try to get back into it after my big exams in two weeks. I don't know if it'll be a sure fix, though... the whole emotionally-unstable-when-dating thing is something I want to work on in individual counseling. But again, I will take any other suggestions if you have them!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

martinguerre

sleep cycles like that can do a depressive in...

I've dealt with such things since i was 14ish or so...and not being able to sleep, but needing to really badly was always a sign i was going to get very bad very soon. your situation sounds a little different, but really do try to make rest a priority. it can make a huge difference.

the other folks have made some good suggestions...so i'll leave it at that.

__________________
For God so loved creation, that God sent God's only Son that whosoever believed should not perish, but have everlasting life.

-John 3:16

MH73

Not a Doc, but from what I can see is that the long distance relationship is taking a toll. I would guess that you want more time with him than what you have.

The fact that you are holding out on activities unless it's with him is a big part of it.

Humans are social creatures and need interaction every day to be effective in society. the longer you go without, the more "shut-in" you become. I would suggest trying to socialize with more people at school... This will get out that need to socialize and you won't feel like your boyfriend is neglecting you when he does get the chance to visit.

As the other side of a 2 hour drive relationship, going out in the car was always last on my mind when I arrived. Generally it was almost all about the sex... (Get it while you can)

Get the socializing out of your system with other activities and focus on "couples time" when your boyfriend is in town... It'll take alot of the pressure off...

lindseylatch

Have you talked to a doctor of some sort? I mean, we're not docs, so we're not really qualified to give advice about depression. I would suggest talking to a councilor at school, most colleges have some kind of free psych stuff. Or you could talk to a family practitioner or internist. They know the typical signs of depression. Please go to someone other than anonymous people on a public forum.
We can pull all sorts of stuff out of our asses, check the politics forum.

__________________
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
-Voltaire

abaya

Ha, thanks Lindsey. Well as I said, I'm in counseling, but it's for a group of grad students... so I'm looking this week to find an individual counselor. I know most people aren't qualified here, but I guess I'm just looking for similiar experiences. The birth control really has me worried here, as you've seen in the Ladies Lounge... today it made me throw up (at least, I'm pretty sure, nothing else out of the ordinary) and I'm starting to despise it.

MH73, I know what you're saying... and I do think it's a big part of it, but like I said, we lived together for 5 months before being long-distance and I was even depressed during some of those times. So it seems I just have issues in general that I need to continue working on... but you're right, I should try to socialize more. I'm considering getting an apartment with roommates next year instead of living by myself. I thought this would be good for me, but maybe it isn't.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

MH73

I'm slightly bi-polar so I can kinda half-relate (sorry, humor's my crutch :P )

I just know that when I lived alone, I spent almost all my time away from people and was absolutely miserable, unmotivated, and downright depressed...

I know different things for different people, but me starting to make friends at college as opposed to just attending class with them made a HUGE difference in my life. The more people I met and the more things I experienced, the less time I had to dwell on the issues in my life and the more fulfilled I felt.

What helped me too was tutoring in my college. The feeling that I was helping people really boosted my self-esteem and got me out of the doldrums...

Just my $0.02... hope it helps...

JustJess

I don't know if I got as low-feeling as you sound, but I can relate - boy, I keep finding you on all the threads I'm checking out!
Basically, I think there’s a lot of stress and pressure at this point in our lives (I’m also around the quarter-century mark). I went through a lot of lack of energy, lack of direction, hyper-criticism of myself, loneliness despite having Quadro, concern about “what am I doing with my life”, etc etc etc. It IS very hard – and you certainly don’t want your boyfriend to feel like it’s him, which was always my worry.
I got out of it by picking a direction – I took my balls (obviously figuratively since I’m female) in my hand and I jumped.
The absolute best thing you can do is to find someone to talk to, you’re totally right. I did, and the part that I needed most about it was having someone to vent to such that I didn’t feel guilty for hogging all the conversation. (another personal twitch.) I suspect that part might be useful for you too.
You’re not crazy or whining. You’re just going through a rough time that you haven’t navigated yet, that’s all. Vent all you like – but as Lindsay said… you need someone to talk to who’s a lot less likely to pass on their own damage!!
I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. Trust me, more than a few people can relate to this.

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

abaya

Thanks Jess, I really appreciated your words. Empathy means a lot to me, seriously.

In my group counseling this week, I sort of had a revelation from my group members: that I was actually quite normal, and that I shouldn't feel so bad or guilty for going through some rough times right now. I get really down on myself for needing to cry so often, when really, it is a good coping mechanism for me and doesn't hurt anyone else. So I will cry with confidence from now on.

I think I still need to work on being social in the future, but I've decided to live by myself for another year so I have that "space" to just be myself and not feel like I'm burdening everyone who knows about my struggles. Sometimes I really just need the space to cry or be angry or just sad, and not worry about what others will think.

And yes, you and I do keep "bumping" into each other on TFP... I don't mind.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

MoJoPokeyBlue

From your original post, it's obvious that your analytical. You organized and classified your symptoms, anticipated peoples responses, and arranged your questions accordingly. You probably put a lot of thought into any decision...even the small ones that most people wouldn't think twice about. Not sure whether it was on purpose or not, but in your post about your negativity and/or depression, you managed to explain to everyone your ambitious career goals. This tells me that your also highly disciplined. (You probably enjoy giving other people directions or telling them what to do, which makes you a perfect candicate for teaching.)

So, he's my personal analysis: I don't think your negative or depressed. I think you have a lot going on right now and just need to talk about it with people who "truly" understand what you're going through. Also, just because you "analyze" all situations, doesn't necessarily mean that you are negative. Whenever your faced with a decision...even small ones...you probably weigh "all" your options, run through several senarios, theorize about potential risks, develop contigency plans and then proceed. Of course, since you've thought everything through, you probably proceed with the utmost of confidence.

So...having said all that, I'm assuming that someone whom you trust and admire has recently told you that you are a "negative person". This has bothered you enough to begin analyzing your actions over the past year and picking out certain patterns that seem to fit their diagnosis. Simply put, you're being too hard on yourself. I don't know you personally, but you sound like an incredible person that has accomplished quite a bit in your life thus far...and on top of all that, you have a very promising future!

Fortunately, this concept of "being too hard on yourself" can be easily remedied and you have all the tools within yourself to do so. If you want to go through a few excercises to get you back on track, just let me know and we'll work through it together. I'm sure everyone else who has responded to your post will be supportive as well.

Good luck,

MoJo

abaya

MoJo, for someone who's never met me before, you were quite on the nose. Thank you for your perceptive reading... it's been a while since anyone responded in that much detail and was so positive about what has otherwise been bringing me down. You're right, I have been fitting myself more and more into a "diagnosis," when really this isn't necessary at all. I need to quit saying that "I'm sorry," for this and that all the time, for one thing... that's something I never used to do.

I'm coming around (see my previous post) to the fact that I am really just being myself, and that there's no point in trying to change where I'm at unless I somehow go seriously self-destructive, which I'm not. This is how I am, and I don't know if I even need to change, since I seem to function fine given my place in life right now. I don't think it's the BC, after all, and I think I know exactly how to deal with myself when I'm feeling these ups and downs... just need to be more patient with myself and not expect total balance all the time.

Maybe this is all bullshit, who knows, but it's how I'm feeling right now and that's valid enough.

So thank you again for your words, they mean a lot coming from a stranger.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

maleficent

I was looking for something the other night, and stumbled into something else, and oddly enough, it wasn't born. It's a little simplistic and maybe a little hokey, but there's a lot of good commone sense in it.

10 ways to stay and be happy

1. Make a list of things that make you happy. Focusing on what makes us happy has a way of, well... making us happy!
2. Keep things in perspective. Think back to other times that you felt this down - did they always warrant such a strong reaction? This is not to beat yourself up about the past, but to realize that you have and can again survive situations that you thought were too much too handle.
3. Imagine yourself smiling. Smiling sends an internal message that all is well. Go ahead -- What have you got to lose, a bad mood?
4. Be here now! Take small steps. If, for example, your mood may brighten just by stepping outside routine, and reaching for a small spontaneous moment. Here's a hint: Start small. Watch puppies, kittens and small children. Watch...and learn.
5. Release anger, envy & resentment! This are self-destructive. We hold them, intending to throw them at someone, but they never really leave us.
6. Forgive! Forgiveness is something we do as much for our own healing as for that of the other. It is NOT acceptance of abuse or permission for an action, but a release of an act's affect on you.
7. Let go and laugh. When you feel negativity building, seek out the things that make you laugh - a funny movie, a joke, a favorite website, a goofy friend -or plan a "mood music get together" with friends: Score each other one point for thinking up true 'Feel-Good' songs. (e.g. "I Feel Good"--James Brown).
8. Write Thank You notes! Keep a journal of all the people and things you are thankful for. This is especially helpful on rough days. Why not take five minutes and contribute to someone else's happiness? You will like yourself better for doing it which is, by the way, one of the true secrets to happiness!
9. Avoid depression triggers. If there are unhealthy people or places in your life, consider decreasing their role. You'll find that the better you feel about yourself, the more naturally this will occur: If you treat yourself well, you won't settle for anyone that doesn't.
10. Shake that body! Exercise is a great way to avoid or alleviate depressive symptoms. The body and mind are strongly connected, and neglecting either will have negative consequences. You may want to join an aerobics class where you can meet new people or take up yoga or meditation.

__________________

pig

Interesting - I have been in a situation that sounds alarmingly similar to your own. I have one question, based on my experiences and those of several of my former fellow students: Do you know exactly what you want to do with your Ph.D.? Do you feel like you should know exactly what you are going to do with your Ph.D.? Why are you getting your Ph.D.? I'm asking these questions because your graduate school experience, and the inherent stress involved, can represent a very strong accerbating influence on what I suspect is your real issue right now: how well do you feel like you know yourself, and have you accepted yourself with your limitations and strengths, for better or worse? Best of luck - give yourself time and remember to give yourself a break at least once a week. Psychological break that is - whatever is going on...screw it. It'll be ok, and will wait until tomorrow. You're not doing so bad, etc.

edit since i'm playing the conjecture game, let me also make another suggestion, which could very likely be useless for you. Graduate school typically requires that you have a very organized, and self-motivated structure to your life. This tends to make one feel like they should have everything planned out, all the time...perhaps this is not an issue for you. If it is, please remember this: while procrastination can kill you pschologicallly from a productivity vs. guilt standpoint...trying to make decisions today that can not be made until tomorrow is just as counter productive - psychologically, you spend all your time worrying about things you can't do anything about yet, and practically you spin your wheels instead of making progress in areas where you can be productive.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

MoJoPokeyBlue

pigglet,

You're exactly right. So much about how we feel about ourselves has to do with how well we know ourselves. The "journey" to define "who we are" is something everyone should do at least once in their life, if not continously.

MoJo

Acetylene

http://www.med.nyu.edu/psych/screens/depres.html

You sound like you would benifit from treatment. The part where you say nothing sems good or fun is the part that worries me. That can indicate a chemical imbalance (actual medical depression) where your ability to feel pleasure is reduced. This can be fixed with medication, and will give you the ability to heal; however, it won't work without counseling and attitude adjustment. Medication gives you the strength to do what you need to do, but the decision to do it comes from you.

Negativity is a personality or attitude, but it will predispose you to depression because it makes it difficult to get out and do things--you are always sure it won't work, and when it does, you're sure it's a fluke. It might be worth your while to practise good mental habits where you train your mind to find one good thing about every event or situation.

My Yogi used to say that the human brain had three decison-making bodies: the negative, positive, and neutral. He said it took 3 seconds for a thought to progress through. That means most people's knee-jerk reaction (less than 3 seconds) will be negative. Spending more time thinking before saying "no" will enable your positive mind to inform you of potential good things. He used to say everyone should take 10 seconds to make a decision so that all 3 minds have their say. Even if this is just hocus-pocus, giving yourself extra time to think and making a point of ALWAYS seeing bad AND good is a healthy mental habit and vital to your well-being and ability to make sound decisions.

Good luck!

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

abaya

Thanks again everyone, very helpful suggestions... I believe I'm getting back on the right track, though, as I said in my reply to MoJo's post... gaining my confidence, not caring if that means I'm "negative" at some times and positive at others. That's just who I am, and I will work out of it (unless it really is a chemical thing: point taken, Acetylene, but right now I don't think meds would help... definitely not nixing them out, as I even started a post a while back wanting advice on whether to try them, but not for now).

Mal, thanks for the list... it's a good one. In combination with Acetylene, I agree that I can always work more on being sincerely happy and grateful, rather than dwelling on the negative (though it can be helpful to recognize the negative, I do believe... but then again I'm an academic, we're sort of trained to do that... not always good).

Actually, along with #1 on the list, one huge help in my mental health recently has been a suggestion from my dad: he told me to write down, specifically, all the little things my bf does to say "I love you," even when he doesn't actually say it. (This was one cause of my negative thoughts at times, because I would feel overly needy and get down if I didn't feel paid-attention-to enough...)

I started doing this a couple of weeks ago and it has really helped... I never record the negative things, only the positive, and generally every day there is a good list. So basically it is cognitive behavior therapy, you might say. Changing my thought patterns. After all, a famous source has said, "Love keeps no record of wrongs." (been awhile since I busted out the bible, but if nothing else, that excerpt in 1 Corinthians has some damn good stuff).

Okay, and as for Pigglet's question: PhD. Well, this whole debate was another source of my negativity for a while... got VERY cynical and dejected about it all. But then I got my grants for the summer (to Zambia and Iceland) and feel completely renewed about what I'm doing. Basically I do love anthropology, it completely enthralls me, and the opportunity to experience other cultures and travel as a living is amazing. I also enjoy teaching and doing research. So basically I am doing my PhD because I like doing it, for now, and I don't really care what I'll do afterwards. I can always teach high school again, or work for a non-profit, or the World Bank, or be a professor... or just do something totally different, like become a masseuse. If someone is paying me to study, I'll do it!

And while I may be quite anal about planning, I am by no means a self-motivated and disciplined person... I am the QUEEN of procrastination. So no worries about that kind of stress... my stress comes more from putting things off! (Which is why I must now desist.)

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran