abaya

Hi folks,

I've found myself having a fairly negative attitude towards life lately... probably for the last year or so, but more intensely for the last 6-9 months. I am not known for being a negative person, but that's mostly because I either keep to myself and don't let people know my opinion (which is almost always cynical or critical), or I put on a cheerful face and attempt to enjoy what I'm doing.

The semi-happy feeling goes away eventually, though, and so do other people around me (other people tend to make me feel better, not a good sign)... and I end up feeling low and unmotivated to do much. I feel like I used to be more full of life and looking forward to things, but perhaps I was only deluding myself at the time (there's my negativity again). I see my attitude affecting my boyfriend and our relationship... I get very needy and then feel terribly about my neediness. I also see it affecting my studies and my sense of direction. Everything starts to feel meaningless.

I do recognize the signs of depression and wonder if I am exhibiting them. There are many reasons I could come up with to explain this, if it was someone else posting, so let me dispel any questions so far before I get feedback from you guys:

1) I am in my mid-20s and definitely experiencing a quarter-life crisis.

2) I don't have a history of depression, but my mother does, and realize I've taken on more of her attributes than I care to admit.

3) I've been in group counseling for a year and went to individual counseling for a few months in the year before that, when I was teaching high school.

4) I'm in my 2nd year of graduate school going towards a PhD and am taking my candidacy exams (for the MA) in 2 weeks, which are stressing me.

5) I'm in a long-distance relationship (3 hours' drive apart), though the distance thing is only in the last 2 months and we visit each other every weekend. Otherwise we were together for most of our relationship, which is just shy of a year now.

6) Being in a relationship sometimes causes me to get sad and cry for no reason, usually out of a sense of being needy or unloved, which I almost never feel when I'm single... but it's certainly not unique to this relationship (and this is the best relationship I've ever had). I get much more sad now that we are at a distance, but I also had issues when we temporarily lived together for 5 months and we didn't have enough space.

7) I've been on the patch for about a year, and started having sex about a year ago (in said relationship)... and wonder if my sadness has to do with the patch, but as I said, I've felt this way in previous relationships when I wasn't having sex or on bc.

8) I spent my formative years (including college) as a strong evangelical Christian and I lived, breathe, and ate that ideology. Not to judge it, but I spent the last 5 years reversing the brainwashing and only now feel like I am getting free of it. I still have relapses where I start to think the way I used to, and feel guilty and that I'm not living the way I should... causing more sadness and depression. But then I start to think again and remember that I am choosing my life, and that I would rather be sad and deal with what I have now, than go back and be uber-faithful and not deal with reality. I seemed happier then, though, and that's what haunts me. I am not an atheist now, nor do I look down on any particular belief/non-belief system... and I'm probably more Christian/Buddhist than anything else. But I am still quite lost as to where I will eventually land in terms of belief, which stresses me sometimes.

9) And I'm living alone for the first time in my life. I'm an only child but ALWAYS had roommates or family or whatever in the past, and now I have my own apartment and pretty much keep to myself. I'm starting to wonder how healthy this is for me; I chose this so that I could work on being more secure, confident, and independent... but I don't know if I am succeeding or just need more support than I can provide for myself.

Sorry this is so long, but I had to cover all the bases since I know how the TFP usually responds. Please let me know your honest opinion of what, if anything, is wrong... am I depressed or just in a negative stage? What can I possibly do to fix it? I'm going to try individual counseling again as soon as I finish my exams, but damn, I'd do anything to get this shit off my back and gain my intrinsic sense of worth and motivation back.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran