Thanks again everyone, very helpful suggestions... I believe I'm getting back on the right track, though, as I said in my reply to MoJo's post... gaining my confidence, not caring if that means I'm "negative" at some times and positive at others. That's just who I am, and I will work out of it (unless it really is a chemical thing: point taken, Acetylene, but right now I don't think meds would help... definitely not nixing them out, as I even started a post a while back wanting advice on whether to try them, but not for now).
Mal, thanks for the list... it's a good one. In combination with Acetylene, I agree that I can always work more on being sincerely happy and grateful, rather than dwelling on the negative (though it can be helpful to recognize the negative, I do believe... but then again I'm an academic, we're sort of trained to do that... not always good).
Actually, along with #1 on the list, one huge help in my mental health recently has been a suggestion from my dad: he told me to write down, specifically, all the little things my bf does to say "I love you," even when he doesn't actually say it. (This was one cause of my negative thoughts at times, because I would feel overly needy and get down if I didn't feel paid-attention-to enough...)
I started doing this a couple of weeks ago and it has really helped... I never record the negative things, only the positive, and generally every day there is a good list.
So basically it is cognitive behavior therapy, you might say. Changing my thought patterns. After all, a famous source has said, "Love keeps no record of wrongs." (been awhile since I busted out the bible, but if nothing else, that excerpt in 1 Corinthians has some damn good stuff).
Okay, and as for Pigglet's question: PhD. Well, this whole debate was another source of my negativity for a while... got VERY cynical and dejected about it all. But then I got my grants for the summer (to Zambia and Iceland) and feel completely renewed about what I'm doing. Basically I do love anthropology, it completely enthralls me, and the opportunity to experience other cultures and travel as a living is amazing. I also enjoy teaching and doing research. So basically I am doing my PhD because I like doing it, for now, and I don't really care what I'll do afterwards. I can always teach high school again, or work for a non-profit, or the World Bank, or be a professor... or just do something totally different, like become a masseuse. If someone is paying me to study, I'll do it!
And while I may be quite anal about planning, I am by no means a self-motivated and disciplined person...
I am the QUEEN of procrastination. So no worries about that kind of stress... my stress comes more from putting things off! (Which is why I must now desist.)