Alyssa

I was in a seven year relationship that was also a long distance one during the last two years of it. Out of nowhere my boyfriend at the time called me up and decided to end it.

Two years later, I feel like I'm still chasing a ghost. There is nothing there to grab onto. Yet I still feel his presence.

At that time I wasn't ready to end it...I can't stop missing him. I feel like I need closure to this somehow....when will this pain end? I'm looking for that magic button that will erase him out of my life. On top of that, I'm in another relationship. My current BF (of 10 months) is away on a month long vacation right now and I am sad to admit that I think of my ex more than him.

I must be an awful person.

I feel a need to reach out to my ex...not to get back together with him, but to just let him know that I'm still out there...I still hurt, my heart is still aching. But at the same time, I don't see how that would do any good. It's been so long since I heard from him....*sigh*

I feel like I'm a psycho ex-girlfriend...I'm so confused.

World's King

Okay.

This is really bad advice that was given to me by a very good friend of mine. It's shouldn't have worked but it did. He said:

"The best way to get someone out of your head is to fuck 'em out."


I ignored it for a long time still beat myself up over a girl that wasn't meant to be with me. Then one day I met a nice girl in a bar... You know what happens next and I was all good to continue with me life. It was that "hump" that I needed to get over... I needed to know if someone would find me attractive enough to sleep with me... someone did. It built up my ego and I was on my way.

I'm not saying that this is the best way to go about it but it is an option.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Rubyee

Once you figure it out, let me know. Might be useful information for the future, though hopefully not.

The only thing I can tell you is to not let your mind wander. Whenever you start to think of him, quickly think of something else- how much better your new boyfriend is (and if that is a lie, just convince yourself of it). Write your feelings in a journal. It helps to get them out somehow, and I know how sick friends can get of hearing it all the time. In a couple years time, you will look back on those journals and feel embarassed about how angry you were.

I wouldn't bother contacting him. It won't make you feel any better, trust me, and it will just bring old ghosts back into life.

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You don't know from fun.

ratbastid

There's something you never said to your Ex. Or something you now realize you wish you'd said. Having that thing be incomplete is what's got him stuck on your mind so bad.

I disagree with Rubyee on this one. I think getting in touch with him will make a world of difference. Just a quick call to let him know you're doing okay and you're not calling to get back with him, but there's this one thing that you never said to him and it's eating you up, and he doesn't have to do anything with it besides hear it.

You will never successfully talk yourself out of where you are. Or if you do, the result will be resignation and longterm disappointment.

maleficent

7 years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone, you can't expect to get them out of your head overnight.

Since the original boyfriend has been out of your line of vision, you are probably only remembering the good times, so it's easy to romanticize someone, I'm sure there were bad things to.

What do you think it will take to get the seven year wonder out of your head and heart? Seeing him one more time to realize that you aren't missing anything. Knowing you are better off without him?

Write him a letter, one that you don't have to mail, and say everything in that letter that you want to say, tell him how much he hurt you, how he made you feel, yell at him if you want to, just get it all out of your system, so you can move on.

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timalkin

I'm glad that I received closure with my ex, because I'd probably be in the same boat as you right now if I hadn't. If you decide to contact the ex, be sure to let your current boyfriend no what the deal is. He may not like it, but he'll understand if he's the right guy for you.

__________________
Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix

Clark

The thing about the ex is that they live in your head. They are how you want to remember them. Current people in your life have flaws because they are their they spill things and fart. If you were to contact your ex I think you may be surprised to find that he is not at all the person that you miss. Rather a person who has all his good qualities and only his good qualities is the ghost your are longing after

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Dyslexic please excuse the spelling.

wonderwench

I have had three significant relationships in my life. The thing I had to learn was that these men will never be completely out of my head or my heart - they contributed to who I am in different ways. I just learned to live with the memories and "presence" and to not let them overwhelm me.

veruca

it gets easier, but, you will never totally stop thinking about him. i was in the same boat(still am). i found that, after i wrote him a letter, saying all the things i needed to say and never got the chance too, and we talked it out, we have talked twice in 7 years. it was hard at first, because we thought we might liek to try again, but i realized the man i was with(now my husband) was the man i was supposed to be with. we grew up and became differant people, and i think that if u spent time with him now, it would show you he isn't as great as your memories. on my bad days, when i think that i HAVE to talk to him or die(and yes, 7 years later, i still have them) i force my mind to think of soemthing else, and throw myself into a project. it gets easier, i promise, but it took almost 3 years, for me to be able to commit myself totally to someone else, without worrying that i would leave them to go back with him.

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How you turned my world, you precious thing
You starve and near exhaust me
Everything I've done, I've done for you
I move the stars for no one

amonkie

This is what I found works for me. Spent better part of a night pouring myself out into int. Ended up mailing it, but the guy, according to him, never recieved it. In either case, it gave me a chance to just get EVERYTHING out so that I could actually sleep at night.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

:::OshnSoul:::

Stop looking for what you want, because you already have it. The delightful experiences and moments you shared together. That will always be resonated with you. The best things that happen are always the hardest things. You can't "fall out of love"- once you're in, you're in. You will always have a connection with that person, no matter how much you deny or avoid it. What you resist persists. Just let it be, feel it, and go with the flow of your life. Best of wishes.

jdjammer

I know I am not going to be much help, but you are from Chico! I go to school there! Okay, now with that out of the way....

There won't ever be anyone that makes you feel like your old boyfriend, and thats okay. Every new relationship will be different, and make you feel different. You just need to find someone that makes you feel even better than your old boyfriend. It is hard to move on, and you will always have them with you in one way or another, but time will heal your wounds.

cj22009

Alyssa only thing I can tell you is it takes time you will never completely forget but all wounds heal in time

Cynthetiq

i never got the opportunity to close the door properly and an ex haunts me to this day.

I call it Lancelot's wound because while it may have healed it has not fully healed.

What did it take to get over it? Nothing but time. One day I stopped thinking about her... I'm now married for 2 years, but does it mean that I don't love my wife when I think of this lost love late at night when I'm still awake and the wife is sleeping? No it doesn't I just means that I'm a passionate loving and caring person.

She finally did contact me after 9/11 it was a bit weird to talk to her again, but we did talk a little and caught up a little she did apologize for being the nasty bitch when we broke up which did help a little, but I did not seek out to talk to her she found me because she was worried about me after the towers fell, and we've not spoken ever since, but I still think about her because she was a part of a very important part of me growing up.

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ngdawg

When the choice is not yours to begin with, it is harder to come to terms with the events. Having someone who loves you doesn't make the hurt that happened go away completely, ever. We play and replay what's happened, how we should have changed it, etc. It's a search for closure, for understanding what went on. You're normal, not a bad person. I'd be more concerned if you didn't give it a second thought. Contact with the ex is possible if you can keep it on a friendship level. For me, at least, it is much preferrable to remain friends than lament the loss forever. To call or email and just say 'hi' to a (now) friend is fine. You might find he does the same thing. Good luck.

Alyssa

Wow...thanks you guys so much for the advice!

Breaking up with him over the phone was the last way I thought we would ever end our relationship. The last time I saw him, I thought we would be getting together within the next couple weeks. My last memory of him was kissing him goodbye, without knowing it would be the last. I never saw him after that. It's like the wind came, picked him up and carried him away, or he died. I had a boyfriend of seven years and he disappeared in an instant...where did he go?

I guess I do have some issues to talk about with him. I did however reach out to him over a year ago through email. It took him 2 weeks to respond to it. I don't think I could go through the 'wait and see' if he chooses to write back.

So I think this time, I will pour my heart out into a letter, and then throw it out. I need to concentrate on now and stop drowning myself with the past. I have a new boyfriend, who even talked about this with me. He told me, "I don't like you contacting him, but if it will help you out, then I support you"


Again, thank you for the advice.

timalkin

Heh, the first time I was broken up with (probably the worst time) it was done via email. I get back from class, open the old inbox folder and BAM!

How fucking sweet was that?

As others have said, time will eventually heal all wounds.

__________________
Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix

Kazic

My mother once told me that its takes half as long as the relationship to heal from it. By that you still have a year and half to go. ouch.
I am going through the same thing and the one thing I did find helpfull that has been said here alot it to write. Write your thoughts your feelings and what you would/should/could say. I don't think you should send them. As the conciquences can and may not be what you want.
What do you hope to gain if you could say what to him? Is it worth hurting the guy you are with? If he is, let the one you are with go as you going to end up hurting him more in the end.
Trust me on that.

__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man
affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in
darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening
to repetitive electronic music."
-Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

thespian86

My best friend and I went to a deserted parking lot and slowly tossed pictures, gifts, ect ect... into a fire that we lit with lighter fluid telling the story of each thing that went in. After they went in, went up in smoke and turned to ash, we said goodbye to the memories forever. I remember why I was sad and bitter but I don't feel it anymore...

Try it

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

fallenangel

punkmusicfan21, didn't it hurt to not have that stuff anymore...

I thought of doing that, to try and get me over my ex, because i've been having a tough time with it. But i do'nt know if i can bear to cut ties completely. My situation is a tad difficult...

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all I wanna do is - give the best of me to you

amonkie

Fallen,
I was sort of put in this position involuntarily , but the guy had the right idea.... when we're not in the situation anymore, the good times seem to shine brighter, and having things that remind you more often of those times make it harder to let go. Over time, I ended up removing just about everything from my life that involved my ex in a romantic way.... it took me almost a year and a half to make it to my email inbox and click delete on the many emails we exchanged. Some days I regret it when I need something as a "pick me up", but it has made it easier to focus on a friendship with the guy, since that is all I have around me.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Kazic

Good idea Fallen,

If there are things there to remind you it will slow down the progress. But every once in awhile something to remind you of where you were is nice to. I try to limit it though as I don't want to be pulled into a feeling that is gone.

__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man
affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in
darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening
to repetitive electronic music."
-Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

Cycler

<p>Dated for five or six years married for two, divorced for a year and a half. Hey it gets better. I was torn up for the longest time couldn't do anything but,<p> as was said here it just happens one day things improve and your past it. Maybe not all at once but overtime the weight, guilt, sorrow just bows out and you are yourself, That is how it happened with me. Do I still think of her, yeah but not with the pangs of the heart I once had.

__________________
"I'm not even supposed to be here today."

"I assure you we're open."

Slims

Start dating ASAP, it helps.

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"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

ngdawg

I couldn't do that. He was too important-the love of my life and my best friend. I have all our pictures together in one computer folder. There are some days I see them and think 'what the hell was I thinking'. But there are times I come across them and smile at the memories of the times they were taken. I have his gifts to me in the house too. I remember the ending-like a death. Guess I just choose to remember the life before that too-the happiest I had been in a very long time.

thespian86

The first real love of my life pretty much killed me inside for six months until I did something about it. Sure, we had so many great times... but after she ended things, lets say, badly, I knew that I needed to do something.

It might be hard when you do it but it's like a weight is lifted off. I loved this girl and part of me still loves her, so much... but I just couldn't take the numb kind of pain she gave me.

Try it Fallen, It helps...

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.