Anonymous Member

So Im in a relationship with someone who isn't as sexually, ah, interested as I am. Great lady, beautiful, killer body, very giving, generous and thoughtful. I get extremely aroused anytime Im within 50 yards of her. She doesn't run as hot...bad relationships, personality, upbringing whatever. I could go once every few days, she's fine with once every month it seems.

Im starting to look at other woman in public and porn in private. Is this relationship doomed? The pull is getting stronger the more she holds out on me. I think she enjoys the control. How do you monogamous people Avoid Temptation while in a relationship?

Zeraph

Um just don't sleep around? Its not hard. Its like, the opposite of pulling out your dick and sticking it in a woman.

I don't think its automatically doomed. The worst part sounds like she might be into controlling you. You need to look out for that. Is there any other way she controls you? Like with money or spending in anyway?

Cimarron29414

I'll reserve comment until I get a little more information.

How old are the indivduals?
How long have you been together?
Has it always been this way?
Do you live together?
Are you dating or married?
If not married, do you intend to be married (in general)?
Does she intend to be married and if so does she seem to want to marry you?

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Zeraph

Oh ya, if you're friggin teenagers just dump her and move on to other experiences unless you truly believe there's something there.

Baraka_Guru

Have you talked to her about this?

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Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
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Anonymous Member

Dude it is hard. Its hard because this is a beautiful woman with a great figure and she drives me crazy with it. Its been a loooong time since ive been with such a hot woman. The sex itself is ok, not great. I tried to get her into some light bdsm (her hitting me) but she thought I was training her or using her I think. We are both adults who have been married before, me once her twice. Yeah we've talked about it. She was the one who brought it up, saying she see's this (my high sex drive, her low sex drive) as a big difference between us and explaining it just wasn't how she was raised. I usually pay for things when we go out, but whenever she says she wants to pay she does, its no problem.

We've been together about 6 months, don't live together. We just went on vacation together, flew down to florida and had a good time sightseeing, although for the first couple of days, no sex. I seem to be trying to prove to her I don't just like her for sex (because I have a feeling guys have treated her this way in the past) I will ignore it when she says she's on her period for example (why does she have to tell me?), or I will just show up at her place with flowers and we will play cards or go out or watch tv, no sex. I have a feeling she wants to get married, but is playing it cool. She's been in physically abusive relationships, she's from another country fairly recently, speaks 2 languages. Potentially shady history, Im thinking her first husband may have been into crime somehow, mafia, etc.

I want this relationship to work, at least for a while, for a few reasons.

Avoiding Temptation.

powerclown

More details.

RetroGunslinger

Are there any other special reasons you want it to work out? Do you have some sort of melding of the minds going on? It's not the sex, apparently, so what really stands out to you about her other than what you've said? So far, I haven't read anything to suggest she's anything super special, not that I'm saying she's not.

As far as avoiding temptation goes, that's a tough call. I'm pretty sure I've said no to my girlfriend more than she has to me. Which might be never, come to think of it. So I'm not an authority, but I'd say you simply have to either take command (which sounds both unlikely and possibly harmful) or you just have to learn to love jerking it to porn.

A healthy relationship generally needs sex. However, if she is really THAT special, you should be able to handle it, not that you have to.

__________________
It's a rare pleasure in this world to get your mind fucked. Usually it's just foreplay.

M.B. Keene

jewels

It's obvious you're physically attracted to her, but is there anything good in the existing relationship? It almost sounds as though you're working to earn her trust to get her to open up sexually without truly caring about her needs for any other reason.

Either way, work on building the existing relationship. Get to know one another and she will likely warm up slowly over time. If her ultimate goal is marriage and yours is different, it's possible things won't change.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Anonymous Member

I suppose no one is entitled to a good relationship or a good sex life.

The_Jazz

Bullshit. The opposite is true.

Assuming that this is the same Anonymous, you're misreading what's being said. If it's not, well, you need to make that clear.

First, I don't see how someone can relate "this is how I was raised" to their sex drive. The two have nothing to do with each other. You don't raise a child to have a low sex drive. The suggestion is just laughable.

And I don't see what paying for things has to do with her sex drive either.

So let's assume that there's something beyond sex that makes her worth keeping around (easy assumption). She has a lower sex drive that you. That's fine. What you haven't said is that she has a problem with you looking at porn or other women. If she doesn't, I don't see what the issue is. If she does, why? If she's not GGG and she's going to not take your needs into consideration and allow you to at least masturbate occassionally, then the non-sex reasons become more important to examine.

You can take the chip off your shoulder and explain more of what's going on or you can continue to drown in your own misery.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

jewels

Not sure what your supposition comment addresses, but every above suggestion relates to improving that relationship. You're asking how to avoid temptation when the real question is, do you want to do the work it takes to have a good relationship?

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Cimarron29414

Anon,

You are correct. You are not "entitled" to a good relationship. They come with hard work on both sides. As you seem far more interested in extracting as much personal pleasure out of this relationship and lamenting when you haven't received what you believe you are "entitled" to, it is difficult to feel sorry for you or even offer sound advice.

Underneath the tits and ass that you lust is a human soul that would probably prefer you value it more than said tits and ass. I believe, once you mature a bit, look past the tits and ass, and seek to provide that soul with a safe place - all the other will fall into place.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

amonkie

Sexual compatability isn't at all a bad thing to gauge a relationship on. If you choose to do that however, you will need to keep in mind a couple things.

People's sexual preferences can change over time. They can change orientation interests and sex drives can increase or diminish.

Just like any other facet of a relationship - if you can't find a way to get past it, you'll have to make the choice of whether its worth staying together despite it.


If she gets your engines going and that's your primary reason for being attracted to her while the other more personality characteristics just fill out the puzzle, is that the same for her?

It's perfectly fine to have a sexually oriented relationship. Its chances at longevity are signficantly weaker given the above, and usually requires both parties to mutually choose to make the primary focus of the relationship sex.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Anonymous Member

Here's the thing: where is the line? Where is the line between treating a person with respect and dignity...and being satisfied sexually in a relationbship with someone with a lower sex drive? I treat my girlfriend respectfully, always, both publicly and in private. I am interested in her as a person, her background, her family, her friends, her likes/dislikes. Perhaps she disagrees, at least with the demands I put on her for sex. Its taken a weird turn where Ive told her I suffer from Satyriasis and am seeing a shrink for medication to help me lower my sex drive to sustain this relationship. I asked her last night if 2-3 times a week was workable and she said ok, but now I feel like Ive taken or violated one of her main sources of power and control. She's told me sex is like dessert to her, to be indulged in as a luxury or reward. I haven't heard from her today.

Ourcrazymodern?

"...once every few days"!? no fucking way. you might as well become a priest. That kind of non-compatibility confuses the hell out of me. If you want, you deal, & if you don't. It seems to me you have issues that don't revolve around her. You've heard that's all some people want, right? Satisfy yourself first.

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

amonkie

Anon you can absolutely treat someone with respect and dignity AND be sexually satisfied in a relationship at the same time. It is a combination of good sexual compatability and then the ability to compromise as neccessary so both parties are fulfilled.

If she doesn't want to be your source of sexual release at the same levels as you feel you need them, she should haven't to. What she would do, as a compromising partner, is give her blessing to an alternate form of sexual release like masterbation.

If that's not something you can both work out together, then really it comes down to whether you are going to have to go outside what she's comfortable with in order to meet your sexual needs within the relationship, or are you better off ending it altogether.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

dlish

Anon,

i'd be interested to know the reasons for the previous failed marriages. both yours and hers. Maybe it's connected somehow.

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I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Anonymous Member

We are supposed to spend the day together, and I am dreading it. Spent most of the week sending passive-aggressive text messages to eachother. I feel like fucking her so hard she starts swearing at me (she did that once) and cumming in her goddamn face. She loves telling me she's on her period..."having my womans days teehee". This is code for "No sex for you, buddy hahaha."

She says her first husband left her for a younger woman. Says that most men fool around on their husbands where she comes from. Says her second husband beat her up so bad she had to go to a shelter. My ex and I grew apart, had nothing in common, high school sweetheart syndrome. We were married for 10 years. She was a sweet beautiful young thing that turned into a raging neoconservative. My current girlfriend is also politically very conservative, socially as well it appears. On our trip she told me a story of how when she was 16 she was in charge of some kind of moral neighborhood code where she would mentor other teenagers how to behave and dress and handle themselves around boys.

I have no idea how the day is going to go, and I don't like this feeling. I guess there is no avoiding temptation. "JUST CONTROL YOURSELF, SELFISH BASTARD"

Anonymous Member

We went and joined a health club together this weekend. Lifetime Fitness, all the bells and whistles. Im not even sure why I joined. Im thinking this may be yet another form of control. Or she may want to see what I am like in a hyper-social setting. Control, trust, control, PTSD, mistrust, flashbacks, projection, trauma, insecurity. We has sex 3 times this weekend. Alot of drama with this girl. She almost fainted at Subway after we worked out at club. She got this lube from meijers that is supposed to get warm when used, not very slippery. Saw Black Swan, maybe not the best date flick.

cj2112

I'll be the dick. Is there anything other than nice tits and a nice ass that you like about this woman? I read the op and you say she's generous, giving and thoughtful, and then the rest of the thread you spend talking about what a controlling bitch she is. My opinion? It sounds like she's a controlling bitch with a nice body. That's what it sounds to me like you are trying to say. It also sounds to me like you're all about playing the game rather than sitting down w/ her and having a relationship.

Anonymous Member

No I think you are right. Its about sex. Im starting to resign myself to it. And I say resign because I went into this looking for a long term relationship, ready to commit ready to be 100% monogamous. We have nothing in common, absolutely nothing. Our backgrounds, our outlook on just about everything is different. And she does have a great body. She's got huge boobs, and I love huge boobs and never been with a woman who had them, 38DD. Thin waist, and she's got a glorious vagina.

We went shopping at Victorias Secret this weekend. The women are in shopping mode, same expression on their faces. The 1 or 2 guys either have completely blank expressions or slight grins on their faces. I went there hoping to have a little fun and find something hot, she is looking for a deal like she is buying car tires, ignoring the sexuality of the place completely. We spent 30 minutes gathering up some hot numbers for her, she goes to try everything on and comes out shaking her head saying nothing fits. Jesus, all for nothing...instant erection-killer. Another of her little games I immediately think. She found 1 bra on sale for $6 that didn't fit her when she tried it on at home. And she bought lube that was really shampoo so i have very clean pubes this weekend.

I am trying to be monogamous here and not be the cheating bastard. If I ask her if we can have open relationship and see other people I know she's going to want to breakup on the spot. So I can't find someone else until after we breakup. I think we both know we have very little in common but she sees something in me she wants and I see...a massive rack.

Cimarron29414

Post a photo before you break up with her, okay? That's really the only way I can tell you whether she's worth the hassle or not. Good lord, this was a waste of time for us.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

cj2112

There is no trying to be monogamous. You either are, or you aren't.

Ourcrazymodern?

& if you don't at least ask her to read this, you're not.

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

Anonymous Member

So we worked out together today at the club. Kept asking me if I was going to lift weights...I like to run on the treadmill. Its a 24/7 club..she asked me to meet her late tomorrow night at the hot tub for some sort of something or other. This must be the reason why she had us join, I can't think of any other logical reason: late night sex in a public health club whirlpool?? For $60/month? She said it was dark and solitary in the pool area that time of night...now how would she know that??

MSD

You're in a relationship based solely on physical attraction with a woman who has been physically and emotionally abused and who you see as a a pair of tits, a skinny waist, and a "glorious vagina," and you wonder why she's not interested in sex with you. You also have no interests in common and opposite views on political issues, social issues and sex, and you wonder why you don't get along. Oh, and by the way,
you're paranoid.

Break up with her for her sake and hold off on dating again until you develop a healthy view of sex and romantic relationships. Try again when you find someone who you're compatible with, or at least who's on the same page as you and just in it for the sex.

Anonymous Member

I need to get it through my head this is a friends-with-benefits situation and not a normal relationship. We're both pretty fscked-up people I would say. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea to meet late at night in a health club for sex. She vehemently denied it was for sex of course. Perhaps she was more interested in testing for levels of ammonia in the water.

Avoiding Temptation is rhetorical, of course. Temptation is everywhere, for everyone. Everyone loves chocolate cake, but sometimes one needs to say no thanks. For the good of themselves, and for the good of society. To behave morally and decently requires self-restraint. We're not wild animals after all.

Anonymous Member

Anonymous Member

I met another woman this week. We seem to have chemistry, and she is a great cook. Spent the afternoon downtown at the art gallery, laughing easily and telling stories. I need to have a talk with my friend from the other continent.

powerclown

Thats enough detail.

Anonymous Member

The other day while we were in doggy.
I started to feel somewhat froggy.
For she suddenly said,
GO TO HELL!! in the bed,
And turning my penis quite soggy.

Cimarron29414

Really? That's the update?

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

levite

On the one hand, there's nothing wrong with one partner having a slightly different sex drive than the other; and if that means you scope some hotness in public, and enrich your collection of downloaded spankables to compensate, so be it-- that's just how some relationships roll. Just be sure to have a look but don't touch rule for any other woman but her.

On the other hand, you need to be discussing this with her: because if your sex drive is a few times a week, and hers is once a month, in the long run, that is going to be a hell of a challenge. I know I personally could not make that work. And especially if she is one of those people who has extremely uncompromising views about porn, and/or is going to have insecurity issues if she knows you're doing some T&A sightseeing when you're out and about, then you've got a problem.

This doesn't at all have to be irresolvable, or chock full of dealbreakers, or anything but a set of compromises you both can live with. But talk about it sooner rather than later, because I promise you, one way or the other, better it gets dealt with before it becomes a problem.

Edit: Just went back and read some of the rest of the thread that I'd skimmed over earlier. I have to stop doing that. It sounds like this chick is dealing with serious issues, and those are not about to resolve overnight. And it also sounds like your primary reason for being with her is that she's got a bangin' bod. Which I get. But if you ask me, that is not at all enough for a relationship. A fuck, sure. But not a relationship. And while I totally understand the desire to get with someone who's got junk that goes to 11, and the curves to match, can I just say from experience-- it's better to be with a 7 or and 8 who wants to go all night every which way than a 9 or 10 who either thinks a bed's just something for sleeping in, or who's harder to cold-start than '66 Dodge Dart. And that's not even getting into the whole area of: it's better to be with someone who's fun to be with and reasonably together than someone who's life is essentially a canvas for the Jackson Pollock-esque sprays of her colorful neuroses and psychological traumas. I'm just sayin'.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Anonymous Member

For the record, the relationship is over. Got rather verbally nasty at the very end, but not too much so. I had feelings for this woman apart from sexual attraction, she was very nice to me at times, always offered me something to eat/drink when I came over and made us both coffee in the morning. She helped me out on a late sunday afternoon when my car broke down in the middle of a snow storm. Ultimately we had very little in common, and I made some mistakes. Live and learn. I loved playing with her massive boobs they were so warm and soft Ive never been with a woman with such large boobs and Im a boob man. I wanted to take naked pics of her but she said no. I wanted to do 69 but she said no. Wouldn't let me come anywhere near her face. She would constantly text me passive-aggressive notes which pissed the hell out of me. We would have a nice day together, then 2 hours later she would text me something nasty and when I would bring it to her attention she would act like she had no idea what I was talking about.

So, back into the dating pool. Im talking with a few as of today. I treat women with respect, and I expect to have sex with the woman Im with. If there is chemistry I will consider going to the next level, but I will not date someone for months of my life and not have sex. Im not a player, I only am with one woman at a time, I never even looked at another woman when I was with L (yes I did). She would always look at me for my response whenever an attractive (or young) woman walked by. We were both sitting in the whirlpool at the club together when 2 attractive young women in bikinis strolled in...she looked at me so hard, it was crazy. I tried as hard as I could to look straight down into the water, thinking she would instantly stick an icepick in my balls if I looked at them.

Live and learn. Dating is tricky.

Lucifer

I've read fucked up threads before, but this takes the cake. Kinda reminds me of the "Ring Epic", what was that guy's name again? He was the most pathetic individual alive, but you might just be the second place contender.

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I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
- Job 30:29

1123, 6536, 5321

MSD

I would be more inclined to believe this if you hadn't spent the entire thread convincing me otherwise. You know the guys who whine "I'm a nice guy, why aren't women throwing themselves at me?" You're a step below them.

I maintain my position that you should stay out of the dating pool until you develop a healthy view of relationships.

Anonymous Member

Its hard to explain...but Im in the process of learning what it takes to create and sustain a mature, responsible, successful relationship. Don't know if Ill ever get there, but I think Ive learned a lot lately. In this last relationship I never considered it being all about my own sexual satisfaction, but I think I put too much emphasis on sexual satisfaction period - for me and for her - at the expense of focusing on and expanding upon mutual interests outside of the bedroom. Those mutual interests weren't there in abundance (we may not have had much in common to begin with) and we worked on trying to expand them with fair to middling success and then other issues (mostly those of trust on both our parts) intercepted this process and sunk the relationship very quickly. I heard from her today: she texted me out of the blue, said it was by mistake - texted something innocuous ("why did I keep my eyes open while having sex" while she always closed hers). Each cordially asked how the other was doing and that was it. I miss her in many ways. We came from radically different backgrounds and upbringings. But she was real and generous and unpretentious in her own way.

Plan9

Aside from the pointless dickhead comments from the peanut gallery, I'll offer up this:

Stop thinking of women as masturbatory aids; treat them like sexless human beings first.

Ever read that book, Everybody Poops? It's true. And everybody has feelings, too.

I'd imagine even you have feelings, Bateman. They're just smashed in with your sex drive.

You don't appear to be sexually compatible with this partner. Easy fix: Get a new partner.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Anonymous Member

The thought occurred to me just now that perhaps one way of avoiding temptation in the outside world is to post naked pics of young woman on the internet for others to ogle (these pics representative of a forbidden fantasy perhaps). I would ask those who do it here and have a significant other (who knows or doesn't know or even cares): Does it work? Does it help prevent one from chasing skirts and avoiding temptation in the outside world?