Anonymous Member

I have recently come out of a long term relationship that ended up being abusive. My boyfriend smoked a lot of cannabis and eventually became physically and emotionally abusive, I stayed with him for 5 years and held out hope everytime he apologised and promised to get help and it led to a very unhappy ending.

I've been talking to some of my male friends and a lot of them (who aren't aware of the extent of the abuse in my last relationship because they know the guy and probably wouldn't believe me) say that they often ask a girl that they start dating if she has suffered an abusive relationship before. I'm assuming that it really might put any guy off you and make him think less of you?

I don't know, right now I am still very much in shock that somebody who purports to love you can then punch you so I won't be in the dating game for some time, if not never. But am I now 'damaged goods'? I had a termination during the relationship and mental and physical abuse and I'm worried it's changed me for ever and I won't be attractive if I'm honest about it in the future.

Thanks

Cimarron29414

The short answer is no.

How you choose to heal is very important. Don't hold the crimes of this one man against all potential suitors, and expect the same. Your past does fashion who you are. If you are going to go through the pain, you might as well take notes along the way and learn something. So, when you see these signs in future mates, work towards fixing it immediately or get out immediately. Otherwise, what was the point of going through all this pain?

It will take some time, but if you keep your wits about you, you'll be fine. Personally, I wouldn't hold this sort of thing against a potential mate. I also wouldn't ask in the "interview" stage. I was surprised you said your friends asked that. Sounds pretty rude to me.

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"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Plan9

We are what we do. If your past experiences have shaped who you are today into a person with attitudes and behaviors that are less conducive to attracting a quality partner. So, regarding the OP? Well, yeah. You're damaged. You'll blanket yourself in a aura of bad vibes. People can see it in the way you walk, people can feel it in the conversations you have or don't have. Sometimes life breaks you down. That's okay. Just patch yourself up, go again.

But if you take all of your past experiences and use them as a tool to broaden and fortify yourself as a person, you'll exude the kind of strength that attracts the kind of people you want to be with. You have to believe that you are more than where you were yesterday. You have to have a purpose.

...

As far as guys asking you if you've ever been in an abusive relationship before... I don't see that as too common. I've never asked a girl that before. Like I said above, if you act like you've been in that kinda relationship, the guy will know it. It doesn't require a consultation with Ms. Cleo to see that a girl's been beaten before and hasn't gotten over it. In summary, guys probably aren't worried about what happened to you, just how you act now.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

mixedmedia

I take exception to the idea of a woman being damaged goods because she's been with a bad man. I've been there. And I've known women who are more of a mess that haven't been through a fifth of what I've been through.

It always comes down to personality. If you believe you are damaged goods, then you were prob. damaged goods to begin with. Not the literal you - speaking figuratively.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

GreyWolf

+1

A woman who has been with an abusive man must understand that SHE is not the damaged goods... he is. Any human who deliberately, systematically abuses another is definitely a damaged person.

When you react as if you're damaged, then you are just moving the abuse from the external source (the guy), to an internal one (yourself), and that just shouldn't happen.

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The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.

mixedmedia

you said that as gracefully and eloquently as I should have

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

noodle

People are people.
Every single one is a little tarnished, sometimes dented, often bruised or healing from one.
Some are more twisted and banged up inside than others and some of those take it out on others. I don't believe in the "damaged goods" theories. Outside of psychotics, serial killers, etc., of course.
We're all just works in progress... whether you want to make forward progress or stagnate is up to the individual.

In this case, it sounds like you've made exceptional progress just walking away... you know women go back an average of 7 times before they actually leave an abuser, right?
Consider yourself strong.
And if you're a little more dented or tarnished, celebrate the strength that kept you from breaking.

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Shauk

People in general = damaged goods.

Nobody is flawless.

robot_parade

I mostly agree with what you're saying, except this - more important than how a person chooses to heal is that they choose to heal at all. I've known a number of people who never seem to heal at all...they go back into another abusive relationship, or self-destruct in some way. You have to take control and choose to heal.

girldetective

Hey now girl.
You are simply more experienced, more sophisticate.

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As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

levite

Everyone has traumas of some kind, in some degree, in their lives. Merely having suffered a trauma, or been abused, or had poor judgment about someone does not at all mean you are, by definition, damaged goods.

But any person who, having had trauma, abuse, or experienced the results of their own poor judgment about someone, and then has become consumed by the negative emotions (fear, anger, resentment, guilt, etc.) that those experiences generated, and does not deal with them-- either on one's own via introspection and meditation and such, or in therapy, or by processing with friends, or whatever-- that person is, IMO, damaged goods. Male or female, makes no difference. But until they get a handle on their shit, I would not want to be in a relationship with them.

Nobody just passively "is" damaged goods. One chooses to become so by succumbing to negative emotions, refusing to confront oneself and one's own past, and by not learning and becoming wiser from one's suffering. Everyone, regardless of what has happened to them, regardless of their past choices, regardless of the choices of others, has the power to become a strong, competent, balanced individual. But it takes work, and courage.

The important thing to remember is that, ultimately, nobody can make you a victim. Your ex was a scumbag. He may have hit you, verbally abused you, done his damnedest to demean you. But now that you are free of him, only you can decide whether what he did in the past can continue to affect you. If you say it can, then you are a victim. If you say you will not permit it to do so, you are nobody's victim. And if you're nobody's victim, then you are most certainly not damaged goods.

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Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Shadowex3

And time. The number one thing that most people who have not and even many people who have been abused keep misunderstanding is that some things just take time. Not everyone can just bounce right back from abuse, some people take years and there's nothing wrong with that as long as they genuinely are working on it.

I think the most damage after an abusive relationship really comes from the people that are reasonable in every other way... except that they somehow expect the person to move faster. It undermines the entire healing process when people start demanding you just "get better", like it's some sort of level requirement you can grind for in Warcraft.

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katyg

Whats extremely difficult is that part of me blames myself for it all.
I blame myself for my poor judgement, for not telling people how far the abuse went, and for being abusive myself - I am usually a very calm and kind person but he used drugs a lot and it would upset me to the point where I would get angry too. I couldn't hurt him with my fists, or scare him, but I did shout at him, tell him how unhappy I was etc etc.
Were we both in the wrong?
I encouraged him to seek counselling, I tried always to talk through our problems but often he would stonewall me and that would just be unbearable and terribly lonely.

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"We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give"
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Shadowex3

No, what you describe isn't remotely abuse. It's what human beings do when they care about another person, it's normal healthy communication in an extremely stressful situation.

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Plan9

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

Yeah, good point. The question isn't "Are you damaged?" It's "What's your damage?"

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Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Plan9

But it's all relative... and that Q&A session is emotional masturbation.

That's just another "we're all beautiful and unique snowflakes" copout, dude. "We've all had it easy" (USA), "we've all had it rough" (whatever group), "I've survived more than you" (self-centered douches)... blah-blah-blah . Circle jerks galore. I'd rather this thread focused on something positive.

I think the point of this thread is to encourage individual growth. You can waste your time looking at your scars or you can stand up and head out to get some more. Not everybody chooses to do this. Some people like to be broken. But most of us "get some, go again." And that's the right move.

For those who feel that such a philosophy ignores history and... uh... feelings, let me suggest that those things (people) are too often used as self-imposed obstacles, scapegoats, excuses, and handicaps. For me? I know I used all that shit in the past to prop me up in place of a real spine. It's all bad--don't do it. Treat it like you'd treat a car wreck: check yourself for holes, salvage what you can, and move on.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

What are you talking about, 9er? How you handle your life today and in the future doesn't change fact that none of us can become adults unscathed. Whether one wants to use that as a copout/point of judgement is one of the questions here, methinks.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Plan9

Like I said... it's all relative. What is scathed? What is damaged? You can't quantify these things. The trials and tribulations of a spoiled Beverly Hills teenager don't line up with those of a kid growing up outside Gardez, Afghanistan. One wants a Ferrari for Sweet 16, one wants indoor plumbing.

If we're all "damaged" then nobody is damaged. This Dr. Phil touchy-feely shit is ridiculous. OP as a loose example: Let's say she was in an abusive relationship with some dickhead. And let's say she's afraid that she's developed habits that would make a guy notice she's been in an abusive relationship. Now let's say she tells guys that she's been in an abusive relationship after X period of time. This particular brand of hard knocks isn't a whole lot different than her telling the guy she's saving her virginity for marriage or that she refuses to date someone who isn't Catholic or that she used to do a lot of coke at college. It's just another relationship trait checklist with assorted "must have / don't care / dealbreaker" items.

Am I making sense or am I off in one of my sub-85-IQ rants that are largely dismissed by the damaged college grads here at the board?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

That's like saying if we were all superheroes, we'd all be normal. But that wouldn't change the fact that we had powers above and beyond an actual normal human being.

You yourself just mentioned that we have damage of varying degrees, that that's the issue some of us need to deal with. The 16-year-old in Beverly Hills who screams hatespeak at her family because her Porsche Cayenne is "Meteor Grey" instead of the "Macadamia Metallic" she wanted has different issues from the kid in Afghanistan with dysentery who can't stop having nightmares since his younger brother died of it two years ago.

However, that Beverly Hills "angel" certainly has issues. And it's completely normal to have them. We're odd beings when it comes to psychology. Both decadence and poverty have negative effects on us.

To say that none of us is damaged because we all are kinda paves over the fact that we all have to deal with our situations in our own way; they're not all the same.

I think that itself is a cop out, which is why I was a bit confused about your first comment. The second comment about individual growth we both agree on.

---------- Post added at 10:34 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:32 PM ----------

Well, this is what I mean by things being used as a point of judgement. Her future relationship candidates are going to have their own damn issues.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Plan9

I'm talking philosophy, not history. Personal preferences and choices do not equal damaged'd or, using your term above, "issues."

My disdain for mayonnaise and preference for athletic brunettes with small tits has nothing to do with my sequester'd childhood and that one time I woke up at Womack with no pants. Maybe we're arguing semantics: I see it as experience; some people see it as damage. I say we're all experienced; you say we're all damaged. I think damage has negative connotations and its totally silly to use it in a sentence in public to justify crap behavior.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

I think we're generally talking about the same thing.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot