shesus

I was flipping through Psychology Today and found an article on Plan B relationships. These are not necessarily affairs, just a person that is kept in the wings in case the other relationship ends.

My explanation for why they exist is based on insecurities and fear to commit since there is not a commitment to either person. I think that it also works on building esteem, although it's false and a distraction from the real issue(s).

With so many people having Plan B's for other facets of their life, it seems to be natural that relationships would not be exempt. However, problems occur after awhile because you can't cover up the primary relationship's problems forever and the plan B person may want more which leads to an ultimatum. In the end, there is going to be a conflict and possibly all involved will be left hurt and alone.

What are thoughts on Plan B relationships?

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amonkie

Plan Bs are like sugar coated coal. They may look appealing, and taste appealing from the outside, but once you've discovered what actually lies underneath, you find it hard to remember why you thought it was an ideal choice - especially once you have to go to the dentist for the teeth that broke in the process of biting into the coal.

That being said ... I have identified a Plan B relationship in my life that was doing more harm than good... and am walking away from it as I type.

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Bear Cub

Kind of defeats the purpose, as the relationship with plan B has just a good a chance of failing as plan A.

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girldetective

Shesus' I am a Plan B person and Im here to tell you sister that what you say is correct. I suspect that if it is correct in my circumstance it is probably correct in many.

I read that same issue of PT and recognized it immediately.

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Charlatan

Do people really have these sorts of things?

How solid is a plan B? Is it just someone from the past that you thing you would have a shot with if your current partner leaves you (or it doesn't work out for any number of reasons) or do you have to maintain it?

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shesus

Do you think being a Plan B person is a good thing? Do you want all the issues that the person would bring with them from the primary relationship?

What is your motivation?

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girldetective

Charlatan: Jeez dude. You have to maintain it. I mean, really.

Edit : It is after all a plan.

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shesus

Charlatan, don't go editing your post while I'm responding to you.

Yes, they do exist.

That's the problem I think in these situations. Sometimes, the Plan B person could be just a friend and not even realize that they are seen as a Plan B.

Other times, it could be very obvious that the person is kept around as a Plan B because of conversations that take place. It can verge on an affair without the physical intimacy.

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girldetective

Shesus: Being a Plan B person can be very good if your SO maintains the relationship in a way that keeps one in love. The issue seems to be boundaries - of all kinds.

I have thought about the issues he would carry. My stand would be, as it has been all along, that those are his issues and if he would like I want to be involved in way that is positive and happy for everyone. I want his relationships to be better and stronger because of me, so I want to be careful. When he has negative issues to handle in his primary relationship, those are his to deal with alone. I will be happy to listen to him and give him guidance if he'd like, but I dont push.

My motivation is love. There is no denying that I am in the fist of love fever.

Its funny though. As good as Plan B can be, I keep trying to talk myself out of it. It seems to be working.

Sort of.

*

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KellyC

Well I'm very good friends with a girl that I'm thinking about making her as my plan B. I would date her in an instant but, 1) she currently has a boyfriend, although my guy friends can see that it's not going to work out between them two and will end eventually, and 2) I don't want to risk damaging our friendship; I'm also very good friends with her sisters. She's the type of girl that you can proudly show to your parents and friends. The "keeper" type. So if I ever decide to go for it, it has to be when I'm ready to settle down.

Nothing wrong with that now, is there?


Oh shit....both of these might apply to my situation with this girl. Although she isn't aware of this, but no doubt she's feeling *something* for me as well. Does that make me a bad person?....

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shesus

I don't think a question of bad or good.

Just as people are different so are the situations. I think it's more of healthy/unhealthy. Is someone being harmed or covering up other problems by having a Plan B relationship? If one is in a primary relationship, whythe need for a Plan B person? and If one is single, why would one want to be a Plan B person for someone who is already in a relationship?

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JumpinJesus

As I was reading your reply, I was first unsure whether this truly addressed the post regarding Plan B relationships, but then as I was considering a response, this statement kept sticking in my head.

I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at here. What I'm getting is that you're referring to being the other woman in a love triangle and that this is a desirable position as long as the man strings the other woman along?


In regards to the Original Post, I have to say that people who maintain a Plan B relationship are expecting their current relationship to eventually fail. One can't maintain a healthy relationship when you have one foot perpetually out the door. Also, if I found out I were someone's Plan B, I would have very little to do with that person. It's manipulative and needy and I don't find that attractive in the least.

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girldetective

JJ: Check out post #4. I agree with the OP. I know this from recent experience. It went down like this : lover = Plan B = girldetective coming to her senses = Plan A = girldetective seriously reconsidering = Plan B.

. . .

The question to me was : Do you think being a Plan B person is a good thing?

My answer was : Being a Plan B person can be very good if your SO maintains the relationship in a way that keeps one in love.

I dont think stringing along is what I meant. But maybe youre right. As good as Plan B can be, I keep trying to talk myself out of it.

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little_tippler

Nobody wants to be second best.

To be someone's Plan B is a bad idea unless you intend to remain Plan B and that's what you want. As long as you have your own Plan A for yourself (not necessarily a person mind you), then you're okay. It's when you're Plan B and they are your Plan A that it gets messy.

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Our hearts are incommunicable still.
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Unto our very selves we are abridged
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pig

I think it probably depends on what stage you're at in a relationship. By the time you're seriously involved, I think it's time to relegate any Plan B's into friendships - otherwise, as jj said, you're expecting your relationship to fail, and thus it probably will. I don't think being someone else's Plan B is necessarily all that bad - as long as you recognize that you are their second choice and set your expectations accordingly. I don't think I would ever want become really involved with someone - if I knew I started out as their Plan B or C - but it can make for some nice times. Not necessarily sexual - but someone to have drinks with etc - and frankly, it can be sort of funny to watch them try to string you along.

So, yeah - I was a couple of chicks' Plan B during late highschool and early college. They're still good friends - but attractive women at that age are used to getting what they want, including Plan A, B, C, and maybe D. After I realized where I was on their particular totem pole, the relationships went pretty smoothly for the most part. Except the occasional part where you make an ass of yourself.

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jewels

Bingo. Unhealthy for the planner's current relationship and unhealthy for the Plan B person.

Been there, done that. It's a sign that the relationship needs some TLC.

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The_Jazz

Apparently I'm on the low end of emotional energy spectrum. How in the world do people have the ability to even contemplate Plan B if they're giving Plan A their all? I can understand it in the first few months of dating, but I always found that I reached a point where I was committed to the relationship. At that point, I focused on it, not what else was out there. That happened several times, not just with The_Wife, so it wasn't just in my current relationship.

Perhaps this is a younger person's game that I never got around to playing.

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girldetective

Yes, thats right if love is involved. The problem with Plan B is that if you become Plan A you question having ever been Plan B, and if you dont get to be Plan A you are devastated. Because of course like you say, you should have been Plan A all along, or at least after a while.

It is my experience in the short time Ive been dating that there comes a time in a relationship when you give up the thought of others and put your time and energy into the one you love, or you dont. A genuineness is wanted and needed. It just will not do to have a Plan B because by doing so, everyone become Plan B - there is no Plan A. Confusion and sleeplessness abounds.

Sometimes though it takes a little time to think things through and then youre not a Plan at all, but a notion. With me, Tpop is now a notion and Im his Plan B. Its wrecked.

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snowy

Nope, not a Plan B person. My SO is it. Certainly I do have a lot of guy friends, but most of them are the kind of guy friend that have been my friend for soooo long, they're like my brothers. And getting together with one of them would just be creepy and gross. So no. No plan B here.

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shesus

Jewels gave the answer.

If you are satisfied in the primary relationship, there is no reason for a Plan B. If you are insecure or there are rocky times in the relationship, you probably aren't giving it your all which makes a little room to entertain Plan B.
Then, if/when the Primary Relationship fails, the person won't be alone. That's why it's not good or bad, it's a symptom of a problem in the primary relationship.

And girldetective, I honestly have no clue as to what you are talking about. You are not making it clear, at least to me. Are you in an affair with a person in a relationship? Are you with a player where there is no real attachment to anyone? You've posted several times and I still don't get it.

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girldetective

Never mind.

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pig

Calling all ratbastids...how does this work for polyamorous couples? Do you have two Plan A's? Do you have a plan A and B, but it doesn't cause friction? lurkette:stella:art etc - feel free for chiming in.

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JumpinJesus

I can't speak for polyamory, pig, otherwise you and I would be right as rain...but I'm digressing here.

I don't think polyamory involves a plan B in that sense.

See, husband marries wife. Husband has commitment issues and is highly insecure and believes his marriage is doomed from the start. He has a friend who he was always attracted to, and keeps her friendship strong so in case his marriage fails he has someone to turn to. The wife is entirely unaware that her husband is doing this since it comes from an emotionally secret place within her husband.

Do you see what I mean, pig?

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shesus

Pig, I knew I liked you for a reason. I hadn't thought of it in alternative relationships. Now, I'm curious about this too.

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dlish

the grass is always greener on the other side.

BUT

theres also the possibility that Plan B will have a Plan C once Plan A is out of the picture.. is a deadly cycle.

so JJ do you think this is the case with all male-female relationships where married men have strong friendships with lady friends?

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PonyPotato

I've had a couple of plan B relationships, primarily in high school. I've also been someone else's plan B, and usually ended it when I found out I wasn't plan A.

Now that I've grown up a bit and become a lot more selective about the person I date, plan B relationships just seem ridiculous and are usually indicative of problems in the primary relationship.

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pig

I think so dear chap - and I believe I concur. It occurred to me whilst reading the post submissions that it might read sort of odd to one in a non-traditional "how many cooks in the kitchen?" type relationship. Particularly where there are clearly defined "primary" and "secondary" statuses with some of the relationships involved. However, I agree that the level of openness and transparency and other words that mean open and transparent is a key differentiating factor.

shesus: ditto.

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JumpinJesus

Not at all. I think it's perfectly possible for a married man to have a strong friendship with a woman and not think of her as a plan B.

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Giant Hamburger

My plan B relationship awaits me at the bottom of the sea.

JumpinJesus

Ariel?

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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

Charlatan

I don't think I have a plan B... which is weird because I like to be prepared.

Maybe I need one.

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Cynthetiq

yes, I have lots of friends who are ladies that I'm not interested in a plan b... a roll in the hay maybe but not plan b.

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KellyC

At this point, I think our friendship is very healthy. No harm done as far as I can tell. The reason why I'm not jumping the gun is stated above. It's a combination of her being taken at the moment and me not being ready to settle down. If I do date her, it'll be serious because I think she's worth it. No casual dating or testing the water. Does that make sense at all?

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shesus

Yes, you make sense.

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jorgelito

It's a total cop out. Lack of faith and commitment.

abaya

Good description. I guess the solution for these kinds of Plan B "types" (is it really so arbitrary?... some people are those types, and some aren't?... isn't it a choice, based on ethics?)... would be to NOT keep a friendship strong with someone he was always attracted to, so that his Plan B-ness would not be to blame if his marriage indeed failed. The whole Plan-B thing seems less like a personality "type" and more a self-reinforcing scenario based on un-dealt with insecurity.

Personally, if I believed in "types" like this one, I would say that I might be prone to such behavior if I had not gone to counseling and was not aware of my patterns of thinking and how those begin to feed into emotion, which if I am not careful, begins to form my particular reality.

For this specific reason, I downgraded all of my male friendships pretty severely since being with ktspktsp, so that no "emotionally secret place" would have the chance to develop. I firmly believe that if you feed these things, they will grow. If you feed your marriage, then it will grow. You decide on how much and what you are going to be feeding. It is not external. It is your own responsibility.

As for being someone else's Plan B... well, it happened once due to my naivete and the other party's total arrogance and assholeness, but once was enough to teach me.

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KellyC

Oh wait nevermind, I totally read the first post wrong. I don't think mine is considered Plan B at all...

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