gotekix

I'm sitting here writing this because I honestly don't know what to do. I've become so fed up with my life and can't figure out a viable solution. My job sucks. The few friends I have live in other states and I've lost contact with. I've been depressed on and off my entire life but it's becoming so bad I can't function.

Ontop of it all I've been diagnosed with a whole array of medical issues in the past year but I can't receive proper treatment since I have no real medical insurace. I'm relegated to the "in & out" clinics where you wait for hours to see a doctor then he takes a quick look at you and sends you on your way without proper inspection and diagnosis.

I've always been the runt in a dysfunctional family, thus I've been the target of frequent neglect. I've completely disassociated from my family besides my brother whom which I live with now. To him I'm a "lazy bum" and he doesn't want me living her much longer.

My job isn't terrible compared to other jobs but it doesn't pay very well in comparison to the cost of living in the city. After taxes I'm left with barely enough to cover the cost of rent and food. The main reason I hate my job is the fact that I'm quite possibly the most intelligent and skilled worker in the office but only because I'm young and have no college degree I'm stuck filing papers and doing menial tasks.

I think about suicide every single day but it doesn't seem like a viable option. It's not that I don't want to live life, I don't want to live this life.

I want to leave this life behind, go somewhere completely new and start anew. I just want to be off the grid, never to be found by anyone in my current life. I feel like going to the bus station and taking a bus as far as it can take me. This leads into another problem. How do I do that? Where would I even go? How would I even live? Would this even solve anything or only make matters worse? It's catch-22.

I know this is a sob story and you're probably tired of reading this but I'm in desperate need of advice. I don't even have anyone to talk to who would listen to me.

Sage

Hrm.

To me, it doesn't necissarily sound like you're DEPRESSED, per se, just totally and completely fed up with the direction your life is going right now. That's totally OK and happens to pretty much everyone at least once in their lives. The good news is that by recognizing it, fixing it gets easier.

First thing to do is to sit down and say "OK. My life is NOT how I want it, and I WILL be chaning that." You must affirm to yourself that your situation is fixable, because it IS fixable and you can't lose sight of that. Next, realize that things aren't going to change overnight, but that you can see dramatic results with a little elbow grease and some patience. Make a three month plan- what changes would you like to see in the next three months. Write down anything that comes to mind- "Get a new job","Move into my own place","Save money." After you've written all those things down, write down what you think you could do to accomplish those things.

For example, If you say you want a new job, what can you do to get one? Make a case for a promotion/raise at work. Figure out what you'd like to be doing and go around to companies that are doing just that, asking for jobs. Or, figure out what you'd like to be doing and find out where in the country you can do that. Remember that 80% of job openings are not advertised in the newspaper, and must be "hunted down" by talking to people within the companies you're interested in working for.

"Move into my own place" and "Save money" kidna go hand in hand. Look at your expenses- chances are there's plenty of places you can trim the fat and start saving up money to either move far, far away, or at least into your own place. It might not seem like it right now, thinking about it off the top of your head, but trust me, if you look at every recepit you've had in the last month, you'll find that you're probably spending money on far more frivilous things than you think. Eating out is a huge money waster, because one person can live a long time on $10 of food cooked at home.

Also, it sounds like you'd like to meet more people. The easiest way to do this, and I know it sounds cliche'd, is to change your surroundings. Start going to different bars, take up a new hobby, hell... start taking a walk around the neighborhood in the evenings. Anything to prompt a change of scenery, which in turn will have you running into different people that are all potential friends.

The trick, gotekix, is not to sit there and stagnate in your own thoughts. You must create your own momentum. That means, no one is going to come along and light a fire under your butt. You're an adult now, you have to light your own fire. You have NO reason not to pack up and move somewhere new, other than fear. And fear is what's keeping you where you are right now- you're afraid that you might lose what money you have, you're afraid of getting sick or incurring a large bill and not having the money to pay for it, you're afraid you might not find another job. Stop being afraid of everything and look at it for what it is- a situation that you have the power to change.

That's up to you. You have the power and the capability to change your life, you just have to decide to use that power to get the most out of things. And remember, people DO care about you, I personally care about you because I know what it's like to be in that situation and I'd love to see you make the changes you want to.

__________________

hagatha

I'm really sorry to hear things are so dismal. Having been in that place, where everything seems too bleak and unlikely to change, I hear what you are saying.
Running away presents new challenges, and maybe new opportunities, but the constant remains, and that is you. You can't run away from yourself, and the feelings of desolation you harbour will likely travel with you.
I'm not going to suggest therapy unless that is an option you're willing to explore.
Surely there must be one individual you can talk to? Is your brother an option? Is there a help line out there you can call for free counselling?
Feeling removed emotionally from everyone around you is a lonely feeling, but it can change. Unfortunately, its going to require some work on your part.
Reach out to someone.
I don't know if this is any help.

__________________
Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

snowy

Would you want to go back to school?

If you're old enough, you're considered an independent for financial aid.

Going back to school might be a good kick in the pants, and it might show others that yes, you are interested in making progress and not just being a bum.

You've got to take the bull by the horns; no one else is going to do it for you.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

gotekix

I really appreciate the replies.

I think the main source of my frustration is that I always take up new things (hobbies, jobs, friends, etc.) in an effort to escape the old ones. Then after a while I end up doing the same thing again. It's a vicious cycle that leaves me with no stability in my life. I've always been the type of person who told people "you can do anything you put your mind to," yet now I'm having trouble doing this myself because I find it's "not that easy."

Another thing that really eats at me is the fact that when I was in high school I was making more money in a week of working on the side than I make in an entire month of working 9-5! And no I was not a drug dealer. I quit what I was doing (wholesale apparel - some real some knockoff clothing) because I didn't find it completely ethical. For about 2 hours of work per day and sometimes up to $1500 a week I feel like an idiot for quitting.
What's funny is I now work for some of the companies I used to bootleg products of. Ironic eh?

As for spending habits, I buy groceries and lunch every day. I guess I could bring sandwiches etc. to work and save a bit. I think my second biggest income eater is buying marijuana, which is about $40-50 dollars a week give or take. Besides that I don't spend any money on clothes, movies, bars, alcohol, none of that. It's easy to say "well just stop buying weed" but when you have nothing else to do it's hard to resist. I'd say my spending is pretty frugal. I live in NYC and prices for everything are so inflated that my purchasing power is instantly diminished just by being in the vicinity of this city.

What I REALLY want to do is spend some time in South America, namely Argentina and Brazil. I've heard Argentina is an entreprenuers dream and I've done extensive research on the country, culture, and business opportunities available to foreigners. My problem is getting the money to get over there and having enough to live and start something up.

Just the fact that I recognize my problems atleast puts me a step ahead. I'm just letting everything bottle up and come out at once.

ngdawg

Been there, done that....It's called a rut.
First, the medical issues...they could very well be caused by your depression. It's called 'psychosomatics' and the illnesses that are diagnosed are real, but caused 'organically'; that is, the mind tells the body to 'take control' and it does so by making illness. Chronic infections, pinched nerves or back trouble, inflammations of joints and muscles, etc., can all be caused this way.
On to motivation. Think back about what stirred you when you were 16 or so...no one sits around at that age thinking 'I want to be a suicidal wreck stuck in a dumb low-paying job'. It's just that sometimes life throws you a curve, you fall off the path and then gotta find your way back. As it's been said, no one is going to do this for you, best we can do is offer a few suggestions based on our insight and your info.
A recent report sited a few of the more job-worthy cities. Louisville, Ky, Kansas City, MO, Rockland, Il were some of them. Best job to have-software engineer. Check Monster.com for both something you might be interested in and a city or two you may like and see what's there. Best to do these things while single.
School is practically a must. If you push yourself, there's no reason why you can't work and go to school at the same time. And that's the key-push yourself. Contact those friends, network, save a few bucks and visit and check out the area. Good luck.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

gotekix

My medical issues are definitely not induced by stress or depression, though they are surely exacerbated by them.

I would go back to school but the one year I spent at a University was so utterly pointless it made me despise school more than I ever had. I tried going to classes, studying, doing volunteer work but I soon lost interest. I began sleeping all day and only showing up for midterms and finals. Didn't buy text books (couldn't afford them) and didn't bother studying. Surprisingly I pulled off a 3.0 GPA doing this. I pretty much did the same thing in high school (slept through class, never did any homework) because I just found the effort to be useless. When I'd stay up all night studying I'd get the same grades as doing nothing at all. My peers would constantly ask me why I'm even school.

I know it's probably a bad method but I honestly think I'm over-qualified for school. I don't see it doing much for me but putting a bigger dent into my already empty wallet.

I get urges every day to say "fuck it" and quit this job. Deep inside I know it'll make me feel better temporarily but it'll just put me in a pickle. This is already my 4th job since June. I do the same thing at every job. I tell myself I'll "put it out" and do it for the money I need. But once the work comes in and it's all busy-work that I consider "below" my level, I get discouraged and quit after a few weeks. I think maybe I'm only capable of working for myself because then I can truly steer my own direction and work at my own pace. I also feel like I'm betraying myself because I vowed never to work for "corporate America" yet here I am typing this in a large office building in downtown Manhattan. I feel guilty knowing people would kill to get a job in an office (as opposed to working in McDonalds or something) yet I'm not satisfied at all.

I'll try my best to stick with this and save up money until I can find something better instead of quiting this job without any plan.

Once again, I appreciate the advice given here.

Lady Sage

Perhaps join the Peace Corps?

__________________
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open.
It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper
Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

gotekix

I was actually thinking of the Peace Corps until I remembered it was a government organization. I don't want anything to do with this government, regardless of the cause. I'd still go down to South America and do stuff, it'd just be my own agenda. I don't really see living in a village with no running water making me feel less depressed.

n0nsensical

I'm in the same boat. That other thread, what do you live for? Can't answer it. I've tried just about everything I've thought I might enjoy and I'm coming to the conclusion that I simply don't like to do anything at all. So I spend my whole life trying to avoid doing anything because I hate to do everything and at least there are a few ways that I can numb my brain to pass the time, like reading pointless websites and masturbation (since actual sex is far out of the question). At least I'm in a better financial situation and don't have to work as a student, but that's not going to last forever and then what? I'm stuck doing things I hate for more than half of the rest of my life. And I'm really supposed to be that enthused about the other less than half that I don't need to spend working but instead literally and figuratively jerking off? What kind of existence is that?

Any real friends of mine and I have moved away from each other, and despite my best efforts I can't seem to make any new ones. I've never even had intimate contact with the opposite sex much less a girlfriend, much less a wife or kids, not that I want kids anyway being that I can't stand them and would feel bad about bringing something into the world that has a good chance of being as miserable as I am. I have no idea what's the big fucking problem. It's not like I'm completely socially inept. It's not like I never go out to social events, in fact I try to go to as many as I can. I try not to be too negative, this post notwithstanding. I ask the casual friends I have if they want to do things that I'd be doing alone anyway. You'd think one person I've met lately would take an interest, maybe go to the bar or club with me, or god forbid, ask me to do something with them out of the blue, but it doesn't happen. Generally the only phone calls I get are from people who want me to do something for them and my parents. I might as well not even exist as far as the entire world minus 7 people and my family is concerned. This quote from one Everything2 node out of the hundreds I've read in the last few days sums it up pretty well: I'd go kill myself, but I can't really be bothered. I don't wish for death as much as I wish for non-existence, I don't really want to die, but I wish that I'd never existed to begin with. If there's one thing I've learned this year it's why people become alcoholics and drug addicts. I never much wanted to be one of those people who can't make it through life on their own, but now my main aspiration is to get drugged up on prescription antidepressants so that just maybe I can deal with things.

LLL2

I hate to say it , but Join the Airforce or Navy, sure it's gov't but, if you want to get out of your life, sign your life away for four years. You might find something out there that you like, I say join the navy go to a different port everyday and see the world.

I know my job sucks, my life sucks, but i'm hanging in there, the only reason why i haven't join the military yet is because i'm going to community college, I'm barely hanging on. But it's a start. But if i ever lose my objective , i really will think about the military. Right now i'm taking 1 or 2 class a semster. Sure it's not much, but i work like 10 hour days 5 days a week at a very stressful place. If i don't do my job people will die or get hurt badly or i'll get fired. Stress sucks i know it does, but without stress like would be boring.

gotekix

Great quote n0nsensical. That pretty much sums up the way I feel. I don't think I'm hopeless though because every now and then I get glimpses of doing something that will make a difference in life and finally earn the respect I deserve. But then it just fades away to me lying awake at night thinking of how everything is meaningless.

As for the Navy (armed forces in general), I'm absolutely opposed to that. I have friends over in Iraq right now. It is not the type of place I want to be. The trauma endured in the armed forces is exactly what would push me over the edge. Think Full Metal Jacket. I'd definitely be the one to go insane and shoot the asshole drill instructor. Orders are not my thing.

I thought about it today and it's not that I'm depressed because I feel that I'm completely and utterly useless. It's quite the opposite. I get depressed thinking of how much I'm capable of doing and how much I'm actually stuck doing.

Another problem of mine is my inability to let people get close to me. I'm telling you guys all these things because I feel detached via the internet. I don't have anyone I feel comfortable with talking to. Even the friends I do have would probably tell me to stop whining if I called them on the phone with these shenanigans. Everyone in my life I was close either cut me off from their life completely, died, or we had some arguement then ended our friendship. I was very close with my aunt, told her more then I tell most people, but she stopped taking my calls and emails after an argument with the family several months ago. I was dating a girl and was finally beginning to open up to her. She ended up swallowing an entire bottle of aspirin. My cousin was also very close to me but he ended up committing suicide a few years ago. Another one of my friends was shot to death last year by his father. I just keep losing everybody in my life one way or another.

I used to take my problems humorously in order to deal with them. Nobody I know has ever seen me cry. These past few weeks I've been crying every day even in public places and it only makes me feel worse. I'm in a bus full of people smiling and chatting and I'm trying to hide my tears. Quite embarassing to say the least.

ngdawg

If you read your posts as an outsider, you'd see yourself a bit clearer. You are going through a depression.
For some reason, people have the wrong idea of what depression is. Read up on it. It doesn't mean you're a mental case, it doesn't mean you should be locked away for your own safety. Every thing you have said points directly to it. You could have cancer and it'd be linked to your depression because it's an illness of imbalance, as are most auto-immune diseases, heart disease, diseases of the digestive system and endocrine system. When we stop caring, we get sicker. When we continue to not care, illness gets worse.
Signs of depression:
Noticeable change of appetite, with either significant weight loss not attributable to dieting or weight gain.
Noticeable change in sleeping patterns, such as fitful sleep, inability to sleep, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.
Loss of interest and pleasure in activities formerly enjoyed.
Loss of energy, fatigue.
Feelings of worthlessness.
Persistent feelings of hopelessness.
Feelings of inappropriate guilt.
Inability to concentrate or think, indecisiveness.
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, wishing to die, or attempting suicide. (Note: People suffering this symptom should receive treatment immediately!)
Melancholia (defined as overwhelming feelings of sadness and grief), accompanied by waking at least two hours earlier than normal in the morning, feeling more depressed in the morning, and moving significantly more slowly.
Disturbed thinking, a symptom developed by some severely depressed persons. For example, severely depressed people sometimes have beliefs not based in reality about physical disease, sinfulness, or poverty.
Physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomachaches.
Irritability.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

tiltedbc

Hey! I'm living in Argentina right now. Not such a bad place but has it's problems like everywhere else. I travelled through mexico, central america and south america to get here. Argentina is by far the better option for you btw, since Brazil is more expensive, more dangerous and has tougher immigration. Gotta love the beaches and girls there though.

So... I should be happy, but I'm not all the time. Even tonight I've got nothing to do and feel kind of down. Even on this massive adventure that most people would kill for, I have my problems too. We ALL lose focus at times and feel alone.

I can't speak spanish for one thing. Taking lessons but it's going so slow. PLEASE do yourself a favor and learn spanish before you attempt to move here. Also, save up at least $5,000 to pay for your way here and back if things don't work out. Get a second job or whatever.

Another thing is that it's easier to get a job in Argentina from outside the country. It's mainly an immigration thing but really important. There's tons of jobs for english speaking people working in call centers and things like that. The downside is the wages suck bigtime. The minimum wage here is something like 500 pesos, which is less that $200 USD a month. Even doctors don't make much more than $500 a month when they first start out. Call center staff make "good" money of like 1200 or 1500 pesos a month, so divide by 3 to US dollars. Cost of living for me here is about 1000 a month btw. You will NOT get rich here unless you start your own business.

Regarding your depression... I've been through that stage and don't envy you at all. The good news is that it's fixable but the change is within yourself. I've had several turning points in my life, with the most important getting an education so I could have a career in Television. Worked my way up to being a director and then had to quit because I couldn't take it anymore. Good thing is it made me wealthy.

Another turning point for me was to just sit back and think about what I wanted to do, or should I say, how I wanted it to read if it was an obituary. If I could pick the ideal situation, what would it be? It's a thought process I'm finding myself in again as I've decided Argentina isn't the place for me longterm. Now I want to go back to Canada and start a new career and join whatever ratrace is going on. haha. Then maybe Asia. Or Africa.

Another important turning point for me was to read the Anthony Robbins book "personal power" which, I know, is basically a joke to many people but the first half really made me think. What is your focus and do you have one? If it's to go to Argentina, then focus on that. Stop wasting your money on anything you don't have to buy. And I mean anything. Save, save, save. Make peace with your family no matter what it takes. Sell everything you own that can't fit in a backpack.

It's like walking down the street with somewhere to go compared to just wandering. When you've got a focus it's easy and quicker to get to your target. Make your purpose getting to Argentina if you want.

Enroll in Spanish classes and become the best student in the class. Search the internet and read other peoples advice about coming here because, it can be a bit complicated and is certainly different. If you think you'll leave loneliness or anything behind... you won't. It gets tougher here, especially when you're an outsider and people are seriously out to rip you off. I'm lucky if any of my new friends remembers who I am a week after meeting them because they're so "busy" all the time. Fucking crazy people...

Where I live, the girls are amazing looking and the weed is super cheap. Less than $20 for an ounce. Food is cheap and the place is bizarre in a European way. Arg is one of the best places in SA other than Colombia but, I couldn't live there for a number of reasons, specifically violence and the military.

Wow.. I'm kind of pumped up now. Reading my own advice has kind of motivated me to get my shit together tonight. Go work on my spanish homework and plan the next adventure down here, to the southern tip of SA.

gotekix

You guys are all right. Running away won't solve any of my problems. Denying the fact that I have a problem won't either.

My mother came to my apartment today because I shut off my phone a week ago. I completely flipped out on her and made her cry. She asked me why I wouldn't talk to her and I had no response. She told me she stayed up all night crying last night. I only replied "I don't care. I want everyone to pretend I don't exist." This is completely not like me.My brother asked me "are you an imposter? Where is my real brother?"

My friend travelled 300 miles to see me this weekend and I refused to take his calls. My father (who I haven't spoken to in months) kept leaving messages for me on my voicemail offering to drive me to Pennsylvania to see his new house. Why have I refused to respond?

This made me realize that I'm not "myself." There is some underlying biological or psychological problem that is causing me to act this way. Thinking back I remember doing this same exact thing atleast once or twice every single year since middle school, I'd just forgotten about it completely. Everything exactly to the tee. The wanting to start a new life, the suicidal thoughts, the desire for complete isolation from the world. I also remember these symptons coming directly after a period of feeling grandiose. I'd feel like I was ontop of the world and "god" or whoever had instilled me on this path for a reason. I could do anything and everything I wanted. In between were prolonged periods of "normalcy."

After reading an article today about doctors using google to diagnose patients I decided to type in these symptoms and see what came out. Lo and behold several pages on bipolar disorder. I'm in no position to diagnose myself but I exhibit atleast 95% of the symptons on the page. It all makes perfect sense now.

I've called my mom to appologize and told her that I think it was best if I saw a doctor immediately. I made a promise to myself to be completely honest with the psychiatrist since I've lied to every doctor I've seen out of fear of being labeled a "pansy" or "nut case" because it'll only make matters worse.

Thanks TFP members for the advice and help. It was hard for me to even make the first post but it's helped me feel more comfortable since now I know people are actually understanding when it comes to matters like this despite the supposed social stigmas pertaining to issues like these.

hagatha

Good luck to you. It won't be an easy journey but its one you obviously need to take in order to get your life back.
Keep us posted on your progress if you're up to it.

__________________
Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

ngdawg

Sometimes, TFP'ers just get it right. I don't mean that in a backpatting, 'winning' sort of way, but rather, by sharing and caring, we can touch and shine a light on someone who takes the time to call for help, and that allows them to see things just a bit clearer.
Sometimes we need a kick in the ass to do that; to lean back and observe ourselves through someone else's eyes.
Good luck with getting things in order. You've made a huge step already. Keep us posted, k?

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Philangicality

Ya, you could kill yourself if you want, but I highly advize against it. I mean as long as you are alive you can fix what is wrong in your life.

Leave your brother's house. Be homeless if you have to. at least you don not have to deal with his condescending ass not wanting you around.

You don't need that nagative energy.

JimmyTheHutt

It's important to remember that you are not a pansy or a nutcase. No one, and I mean no one, is perfectly sane. When you add in the additional problems from a biochemical issue like bipolar disorder, it's nothing to scoff at or mock. Having seen what the disorder can do to people, I am glad you are getting treatment. Stick to your promise, and don't be afraid to change therapists if it isn't working for you. In addition, keep one of your family members appraised or involved in your therapy, so that they can provide an outside, objective opinion. If you are truly bipolar, when you hit those peaks and valleys, your perception will be so far out of whack that your decision making capability will disappear. You can survive this and have a great life.

Keep us appraised, and good luck!

Veritas et Lux!
Jimmy The Hutt

__________________
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"This isn't a nightmare, its real. Nightmare's end."
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