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Originally Posted by n0nsensical
I'd go kill myself, but I can't really be bothered. I don't wish for death as much as I wish for non-existence, I don't really want to die, but I wish that I'd never existed to begin with.
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Great quote n0nsensical. That pretty much sums up the way I feel. I don't think I'm hopeless though because every now and then I get glimpses of doing something that will make a difference in life and finally earn the respect I deserve. But then it just fades away to me lying awake at night thinking of how everything is meaningless.
As for the Navy (armed forces in general), I'm absolutely opposed to that. I have friends over in Iraq right now. It is not the type of place I want to be. The trauma endured in the armed forces is exactly what would push me over the edge. Think Full Metal Jacket. I'd definitely be the one to go insane and shoot the asshole drill instructor. Orders are not my thing.
I thought about it today and it's not that I'm depressed because I feel that I'm completely and utterly useless. It's quite the opposite. I get depressed thinking of how much I'm capable of doing and how much I'm actually stuck doing.
Another problem of mine is my inability to let people get close to me. I'm telling you guys all these things because I feel detached via the internet. I don't have anyone I feel comfortable with talking to. Even the friends I do have would probably tell me to stop whining if I called them on the phone with these shenanigans. Everyone in my life I was close either cut me off from their life completely, died, or we had some arguement then ended our friendship. I was very close with my aunt, told her more then I tell most people, but she stopped taking my calls and emails after an argument with the family several months ago. I was dating a girl and was finally beginning to open up to her. She ended up swallowing an entire bottle of aspirin. My cousin was also very close to me but he ended up committing suicide a few years ago. Another one of my friends was shot to death last year by his father. I just keep losing everybody in my life one way or another.
I used to take my problems humorously in order to deal with them. Nobody I know has ever seen me cry. These past few weeks I've been crying every day even in public places and it only makes me feel worse. I'm in a bus full of people smiling and chatting and I'm trying to hide my tears. Quite embarassing to say the least.