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gotekix · 11-10-2006, 09:36 PM

You guys are all right. Running away won't solve any of my problems. Denying the fact that I have a problem won't either.

My mother came to my apartment today because I shut off my phone a week ago. I completely flipped out on her and made her cry. She asked me why I wouldn't talk to her and I had no response. She told me she stayed up all night crying last night. I only replied "I don't care. I want everyone to pretend I don't exist." This is completely not like me.My brother asked me "are you an imposter? Where is my real brother?"

My friend travelled 300 miles to see me this weekend and I refused to take his calls. My father (who I haven't spoken to in months) kept leaving messages for me on my voicemail offering to drive me to Pennsylvania to see his new house. Why have I refused to respond?

This made me realize that I'm not "myself." There is some underlying biological or psychological problem that is causing me to act this way. Thinking back I remember doing this same exact thing atleast once or twice every single year since middle school, I'd just forgotten about it completely. Everything exactly to the tee. The wanting to start a new life, the suicidal thoughts, the desire for complete isolation from the world. I also remember these symptons coming directly after a period of feeling grandiose. I'd feel like I was ontop of the world and "god" or whoever had instilled me on this path for a reason. I could do anything and everything I wanted. In between were prolonged periods of "normalcy."

After reading an article today about doctors using google to diagnose patients I decided to type in these symptoms and see what came out. Lo and behold several pages on bipolar disorder. I'm in no position to diagnose myself but I exhibit atleast 95% of the symptons on the page. It all makes perfect sense now.

I've called my mom to appologize and told her that I think it was best if I saw a doctor immediately. I made a promise to myself to be completely honest with the psychiatrist since I've lied to every doctor I've seen out of fear of being labeled a "pansy" or "nut case" because it'll only make matters worse.

Thanks TFP members for the advice and help. It was hard for me to even make the first post but it's helped me feel more comfortable since now I know people are actually understanding when it comes to matters like this despite the supposed social stigmas pertaining to issues like these.

11-10-2006, 09:36 PM	#15 (permalink)
gotekix Upright Location: Seattle	You guys are all right. Running away won't solve any of my problems. Denying the fact that I have a problem won't either. My mother came to my apartment today because I shut off my phone a week ago. I completely flipped out on her and made her cry. She asked me why I wouldn't talk to her and I had no response. She told me she stayed up all night crying last night. I only replied "I don't care. I want everyone to pretend I don't exist." This is completely not like me.My brother asked me "are you an imposter? Where is my real brother?" My friend travelled 300 miles to see me this weekend and I refused to take his calls. My father (who I haven't spoken to in months) kept leaving messages for me on my voicemail offering to drive me to Pennsylvania to see his new house. Why have I refused to respond? This made me realize that I'm not "myself." There is some underlying biological or psychological problem that is causing me to act this way. Thinking back I remember doing this same exact thing atleast once or twice every single year since middle school, I'd just forgotten about it completely. Everything exactly to the tee. The wanting to start a new life, the suicidal thoughts, the desire for complete isolation from the world. I also remember these symptons coming directly after a period of feeling grandiose. I'd feel like I was ontop of the world and "god" or whoever had instilled me on this path for a reason. I could do anything and everything I wanted. In between were prolonged periods of "normalcy." After reading an article today about doctors using google to diagnose patients I decided to type in these symptoms and see what came out. Lo and behold several pages on bipolar disorder. I'm in no position to diagnose myself but I exhibit atleast 95% of the symptons on the page. It all makes perfect sense now. I've called my mom to appologize and told her that I think it was best if I saw a doctor immediately. I made a promise to myself to be completely honest with the psychiatrist since I've lied to every doctor I've seen out of fear of being labeled a "pansy" or "nut case" because it'll only make matters worse. Thanks TFP members for the advice and help. It was hard for me to even make the first post but it's helped me feel more comfortable since now I know people are actually understanding when it comes to matters like this despite the supposed social stigmas pertaining to issues like these.