Talo

Here is my current situation:

My parents are getting divorced.

They have always had some difficulty as my dad is a very moody, controlling person. He is unable to handle any bad news and is quick to get stressed out and snap at people. He is not violent but he has hit me mom a few times in the past (maybe 5 or 6 times over 25 years of marriage).

Anyway a string of bad housing investments caused us to have very low cashflow and a ton of mortgages to pay. He was very stressed out and about 2 weeks ago he snapped on my mom and hit her a few times. He then left for work. My mom had enough and decided to leave the house (it happened 2 times previous which resulted in a near devorce) and take my younger sister with her.

They say they are both tired of being in the house with him and how critical and controlling he is and how they are always scared of him because you don't know if he'll be in a bad mood and take it out on you.

My dad was angry and suprised but he was convinced to move out of the house so my sister could keep going to school without my mom having to drive a long distance.

He has had enough of it though and has put it on me to get them back together. His friends and himself all agree that I am the only hope of getting them back together. Because of this my dad has told me he wants me to drop out of school for the semester and get my mom and him back together. He also says it is not right of him to be paying for my tuition while he can't even stay in his own house.

My mom has said that there is no way she will get back together with him because she is older now, I'm older and in college and my younger sister is growing up as well. She can't stay in the same house as him and can't stand to be with him any longer.

My dad views that behavior as irrational because we will lose everything he worked for to lawyers and he wants the family to stay together. This is because when they were almost divorced before is when I started smoking weed and using other drugs (was about 11 at the time) and he doesn't want that to happen to my sister (13 years old).

He also claims that one of the big reasons he hit her is because he was stressed out from me being in China all summer. He says he has spent a lot of money on my tuition and payed for my study abroad in China which contributed to his stress that caused him to hit my mom. Because he has helped me out so much he says that I owe him and need to do this for him.

I don't know what to do with this situation. I am currently enrolled in an extremely expensive college. I dropped out of housing to help lower the cost and am currently staying at a friends house near the college but not sure how much longer that will last.

This all happened the day after I returned home from China (was there 2.5 months). I am not sure what to do about this situation. Was just looking for any feedback anyone could give or shed light upon.

Thanks

ShaniFaye

unless you've gotten a degree in marriage counseling....I would tell him no. It is WRONG to put a child (as in you're their child...not as in your age) in the middle of something like this because its forcing you to take the side of your father. Its not YOUR fight...its theirs. What kind of adult does this to their own child? What kind of adult dangles threats of not letting their flesh and blood continue their education because he didnt play mediator?

I really suggest they go see some kind of counsler.

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Willravel

I agree with SnahiFaye, even if you did have a degree in marriage and family counseling this would be a bad idea. Your dad needs to learn to haev some empathy and be able to self reflect. This is his doing by being unable to control himself. If you are to get involved, it should be to tell your dad to clean up his act asap and learn to act like an adult. If anyone tried to hang my education over me like a dangling carrot, I'd tell them to shove it. For now, you should consider finding alternative funding for school. Scholarships and grants are all out there waiting for you.

If my dad ever hit my mom, I would suggest that HE leave. Spousal abuse is inexcusable and cannot be tolerated for any reason. He is lucky that the police weren't involved, but your mom should have called them immediatally.

JustJess

DO NOT DO THIS. HE IS WRONG. I REPEAT: DO NOT DROP OUT OF SCHOOL. YOU ARE NOT A COUNSELOR, AND IT IS RIDICULOUS THAT HE WOULD EXPECT THIS OF YOU.

This situation is of his own making. Maybe you could get them back together, but who cares? This is HIS problem, not yours. From the sounds of it, your mom is completely right to leave him. He is not good for you, he is not good for your mom, and he is not good for your sister. You probably wouldn't have acted out like that (in the previous events) if he had been a good father. Be there for your sister to help her not experience this the way you did years ago. Who the hell is he to blame YOU for HIS wrongdoing? 5 or 6 times is 5 or 6 times too many.

From your post, it sounds like he is a controlling manipulative guilt-tripping person who would like to blame everyone other than himself for all that is wrong with his life. Don't buy into it. It's not your fault. It's not your fault that he hit your mom, that bullshit about you being in China stressing him out so that he hit her? Pure fucking bullshit, and that's putting it lightly. If he loses everything and goes bankrupt, it's not your fault. It's his fault. He is the adult, you are the child, and you do not have to take responsibility for his life. Only yours. Let your parents work it out for themselves. Just worry about you, and your sister.

Oh, and DON'T DROP OUT OF SCHOOL FOR THIS.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Ustwo

You are being used above and beyond what a child should be expected to do. It sounds like he is using a guilt trip/threat of pulling your tuition as an excuse to control you.

Its assinine to expect that anything healthy can happen with you trying to get your mother to accept your father again. Thats really his problem, not yours, if they can't talk to each other and work it out, having you as a forced intermediate isn't going to be any better.

Also that 'I hit your mom because you were in China' type excuse is also assinine. Its part of the guilt trip, and maybe spending money did stress him out, but that doesn't mean you owe him by dropping out of school to save the marriage is he busy messing up.

Your first priority should be finding funds to go to school. One thing about expensive schools is they do tend to have good aid programs. Explain your situation and see what they can come up with, once your fathers income is out of the picture you may be able to do better on the aid side, though others here could most likely answer this for you. The other option is joining one of the armed forces programs, I wish I had done this as it would have saved me a ton of money and if you are worried about getting shot at, they don't put you through college so they can make you Private Ryan when you get out.

Your drug use at 11 sounds like another guilt trip, because you need to think of your sister right? I'm not sure how someone gets into drugs at 11, I would have had a hard time findnig beer at that age, but thats for your mother to monitor, you shouldn't be her father.

What I am saying is its time to be selfish on your sinking ship. First make sure you have a liferaft, then save the women and children, and last see if you can save the captain who rammed the iceburg, but only if you have room.

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The_Jazz

It sounds to me like your father is a pretty good manipulator who can't stand to be told "no". As others have said, this is strictly your parents' problem, and nothing you or your sister do (within reason) should influence it one way or the other. If your father tells you otherwise, it's just further manipulation. He's told you that YOU'RE the reason he hit your mom. He's said that YOU have to put your future on hold to save his relationship. He's shown he's capable of inflicting physical and emotional abuse, so the best thing to do is stay away.

Go look into financial aid. Explain the situation. Loan officers tend to be very understanding about this kind of thing, especially if they see that you'll be paying your own way going forward. Get your degree and get on with your life. Your father is digging his own grave, and don't let him pull you into it with him.

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Reese

Don't believe that shit man. "I'm sorry, I won't do it again, It's just the stress.." Those are all common excuses for domestic violence. You need to stand behind your mother. It's hard enough for a women to escape someone like that, She doesn't need her son pulling her back into the lion's den.

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Deltona Couple

This statement right here is the deciding factor. THERE IS ABOSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, NO EXCUSE.... NO EXCUSE!!!! for this type of behavior from a man! I am APPALED that he would even THINK to blame anyone else for his behavior! NO man has a right to hit anyone, wife or child. PERIOD!!!! Personally I would tell my dad to fuck-off and then deal with the loss of his financial assistance. Then I would go home and help my mom sue his ass for EVERYTHING! Not to mention that it is his JOB as a parent to help his child in ANY situation, regardless of what is going on with his spouse.

Sorry if I jumped onto a soapbox here, but domestic violence hits me VERY hard. I have absolutely NO sympathy or support for those that abuse family members.

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"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

Daniel_

lets get this straight.

Person A travels.

Person B gets cross about stuff (that may or may not be related to A being absent).

Person C gets a smack in the chops?

Wrong on so many levels.

Sorry to hear about it.

Having gone through my own divorce and my parents split (plus my wifes parents and my ex-wife's parents) over the years I can tell you that the only thing that works is to keep out of other peoples problems - there is no win/win on this one.

Wish I could give you some solutions, but sadly I can't.

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In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
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robot_parade

I agree with all of these guys ^^^^

To summarize:

It is not your fault your dad hits your mom. There is no excuse for that, and, frankly, your mom was right to leave him. I don't care if it 'only' hapenned a few times.

If he wants to get back together with her, it is 100% on his shoulders to make it happen. He needs to accept responsibility for what he has done, apologize, seek *professional* help, and try to get forgiveness and heal the relationship with his wife that he has destroyed through violence.

How would you feel if you did convince your mom to get back together with him, and he hits her again? *He* needs to change. Neither you nor your mom should 'give in' to his demands.

That being said, it sounds like you're going to be financially responsible for your college tuition pretty soon, one way or another. I would start planning for that now. See what kind of financial aid you can get - you may be able to get more if you are no longer a 'dependant' of your parents...it's been awhile since I've had to deal with this, so I'm not sure what the best route for you is.

Take care of yourself right now, and your sister, and your mom. As far as I'm concerned, I'd let your dad take a flying leap...I understand he is under a lot of stress, but there's *no* excuse for domestic violence. And I'm saying this as a husband, and a father. Your dad needs to clean up his act. It's ok for you to be supportive of him, as long as *he* is doing the things he needs to do - and #1 is for him to own up to what he has done.

Wow...that was a rant...but I hope this and all the other posts warn you away from covering for what your dad did.

feelgood

Don't even get involved. This shit is between your dad and mom. Not between your dad and you.

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SugahBritches

I'm in agreement with most everyone here. REMOVE yourself from the equation. YOU are NOT the solution to THEIR problem.

abaya

I agree with everyone here, but what Jess said rang even more true for me. Your father sounds a lot like my mother... she just pulled another one on me tonight, actually. Believe me, you will get NOWHERE by believing a single word that comes out of your father's mouth. Everything he's saying is coming out of his own shithole of insecurity, guilt, and inadequacy. NONE of it has ANYTHING to do with you, whatsoever. Put it all on him, man, because that's where it belongs... whether or not he realizes that. Do not let him poison you. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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Ch'i

I agree with abaya, and therefore everyone here.

No child should ever be burdened with something like that. It is not your buisness, and the fact that your father can't recodnize this is scary unto itself. Its his fault his marriage is circling the drain, not to mention hitting his wife (I really can't stand people who would hit their spouse, child). Its never good to put yourself in the middle of something like this; just look what happened when America got involved in Korea... and the outcome would probably be similar.

analog

With all due respect, why is he walking around on two not-broken legs? Or at least without several large, baseball bat-shaped bruises?*

It's not your fault that he hits your mom. It's not your job to help him patch things up with her.

But you don't seem all that phased by him hitting her- and you don't seem to be helping her get away from that abuse.

There is no "only" x number of times he hit her. Don't rationalize it because he's your dad, don't rationalize it because of "hard times", and don't enable him by pretending like it's not a problem- because if you don't seem all that concerned to us, and you're just asking for advice on whether or not to help get them back together, you're obviously not that concerned. And you should be. A lot.

Think of your mother, man. Think of your little sister. While a divorce would not be "optimal", it's better than continued abuse. Or are you waiting until your little sister is old enough to get hit, too? You're a person of age to do something- whatever it is you can. So help your mom and sister in whatever way you can. This does not include getting them back together with the repeat abuser.

/tough love

*I am not actually suggesting or advocating violence. /covering my ass

spindles

I think everything needed in this thread has been said - but I'll add my 2 cents worth - WTF are you doing even thinking about helping him?

The best place for you, your mother and your sister is as far away from him as you can get, regardless of the financial burden.

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caver

Am I wrong, or did I notice a pattern of escalation in the degree of physical violence? I am in agreement with most of what I have seen above.\
Control freak, manipulator, abuser (in pattern of escalation).
I sympathise, and wish you well.

ngdawg

So...what constitutes being violent to you?

He lost any rights to 'stay in his own house' when he violated the co-owner-your mother. As for his 'friends', how many of them know he's a wife-beating manipulative weasel?

Well, guess what....there's these places called 'community colleges' and this thing called a 'job'. It would appear to me that your dad beats your mom, spoils you, then holds it over everyone's head; 'look what a good father I am. Now pay me back for it'.
I understand he's your father, but he's no man and not worthy of any respect. Your mother and sister need you, not him. Grow some big ones and stand up for what's right. If you have to leave your 'expensive school', so what? There are worse things in life and seems your mother has experienced more than her fair share.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

frogza

Tell him no.

He screwed up, not you. He needs to live with it.

It is extremely common for abusive people to be smooth talkers, manipulators and good at placing the blame on other people or nubulous outisde influences (Like the housing market) They try and make others, especially their victims, think that their actions were somehow not their fault, it was something else that made them snap and was therefore out of their control. From your description you dad fits the mold perfectly. Don't try and get your mom or sister back into that kind of life. I would also suggest you get out now as well.

FallenAvatar

I'd walk out on him. Check that. I did that. Walked away from my father and had no regrets. People make themselves. There is nothing in the world that should justify hitting your child with intent to cause pain, or striking your lover or spouse. He fucked up. His fault. Tell him goodbye.

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raeanna74

Everyone here is seeing the situation as I do as well.

Until your Dad is able to confront his failure and acknowledge it without passing blame to ANYONE else for ANY of his actions, then no one in your family should be living with him.

Abuse does not come in only physical forms. If he is that controlling and manipulative then he has abused your mother, your sister and obviously you are not exempt from that emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can be as damaging to a person as some phsycial abuse. Emotional abuse almost always eventually escalates into physical abuse.

I feel like everyone is entitled to one mistake. You hit someone in a fit of anger, acknowledge it was your mistake and learn not to do it again. Your father has not learned that and has lost the right to help from ANYONE in your family at this point.

Tell Dad no, that you will not help him until he is willing to accept full responsibility for his actions. Thank him for his help and look for financial aid elseware. Change colleges if you can and have to. If Dad calls or attempts to contact you in order to solicit your help then you need to tell him not to contact you unless it is to apologize and then start filtering calls and not talk to him at all. ZERO communication is crucial to protecting yourself from an abuser. I would recommend that you tell your mother this and that your mother get counseling. Be there for her and your sister.

On a side note, if your parents are having so much financial trouble, then I would recommend that you, as an adult, work to pay for your own schooling. It can be done and as a responsible adult would be the right thing for you to do.

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Kensei

Ok, well first of all, your father is quite an evil man by the definition of the word, and selfish as well. You must wke up and see this. His concerns are purely for himself and his own comfort, and he seems to care little if anything about you when things are hard.

It is very easy to be compromising and giving when there is plenty to go around. It is far different when there is little, this is when you find out the true mettle of people.

Also, if he has hit you, or your mom, he is violent, thats the definition of the word, you really must stop wearing blinders. Your fatrher is at the moment and evil, violent, manipulative man, and misery loves company.

It is not your job to reconcile your parents difference, and him sayng that paying for you to go to school is the cause of their problems is absurd. They did not like each other before you went to school, and they did not like each other after. This is just a convenient excuse to get you to do what he wants.

I grew up in an abusive household, and there are many forms of abuse, physical being quite honestly the easiest to deal with.

As for your mom, she is doing the right thing. hell, if I was married to a woman and she hit me, bye bye. Doe's not matter that I am a man, this would mean she doe's not reaspect me for one, and for another, doesn't take a lot of strength to lose it and stab you, or pull a trigger. Killing is an equal oppurtunity business, and not meaning to do it does not make you any less dead.

Botom line, any violence, against your mom, or you, is a big no no, and it means your dad needs a lot of therapy and counseling, a lot. He is basically ill my dear, but that is not your problem. you are your own person, with your own life to lead. You can not bring it to a halt.

He is having problms with your tuition, too bad, thats his job. You have kids, it's your job to help prepare them for the word, duh. If he doe's not like it, he should not have had them, You may be over 18, but that doe's not matter, being a parent is a lifetime gig, no matter what the law may say about it.

What you really need to do is tell him no, and stop communicating with him. Abusers are at heart major control freaks, who need to feel in charge. They best do that by beating you down, and if you won't go down, they beat all the harder, until you either give in, or are dead. I was lucky to survive my childhood. Oh, my dad did not beat my mom, just me, beat her in other ways though. They divorced, and he blamed me as well, and everything else, except himself of course. Has he blamed himself yet that you have heard, I bet not.

It's his marriage, not yours, do you clean up other peoples messes, or just your own? I clean up my own, you make it, you clean it up. And, if you insist on moving your mes into my space, I'll kick your butt out, and your mess, and still leave it for you to clean up. Can't kick it or you out, then I move somewhere where it can't effect me, or I just refuse to acknowledge it, which is very hard.

Hope this has helped, but it sounds likeou want to remain blind to your dads worst faults, i.e.saying he is not violent, which makes me laugh quite a bit, being a prime example. he's got to go my dear, maybe not for good, but certainly for the time being. Breaking contact with a parent ain't easy, but if someone is a destructive influence on your life, they have to go, friend or father, and it's just that simple. Hope this helps.

Ok, well first of all, your father is quite an evil man by the definition of the word, and selfish as well. You must wke up and see this. His concerns are purely for himself and his own comfort, and he seems to care little if anything about you when things are hard.

It is very easy to be compromising and giving when there is plenty to go around. It is far different when there is little, this is when you find out the true mettle of people.

Also, if he has hit you, or your mom, he is violent, thats the definition of the word, you really must stop wearing blinders. Your fatrher is at the moment and evil, violent, manipulative man, and misery loves company.

It is not your job to reconcile your parents difference, and him sayng that paying for you to go to school is the cause of their problems is absurd. They did not like each other before you went to school, and they did not like each other after. This is just a convenient excuse to get you to do what he wants.

I grew up in an abusive household, and there are many forms of abuse, physical being quite honestly the easiest to deal with.

As for your mom, she is doing the right thing. Hell, if I was married to a woman and she hit me, bye bye. Doe's not matter that I am a man, this would mean she doe's not reaspect me for one, and for another, doesn't take a lot of strength to lose it and stab you, or pull a trigger. Killing is an equal oppurtunity business, and not meaning to do it does not make you any less dead.

Botom line, any violence, against your mom, or you, is a big no no, and it means your dad needs a lot of therapy and counseling, a lot. He is basically ill my dear, but that is not your problem. you are your own person, with your own life to lead. You can not bring it to a halt.

He is having problms with your tuition, too bad, thats his job. You have kids, it's your job to help prepare them for the word, duh. If he doe's not like it, he should not have had them, You may be over 18, but that doe's not matter, being a parent is a lifetime gig, no matter what the law may say about it.

What you really need to do is tell him no, and stop communicating with him. Abusers are at heart major control freaks, who need to feel in charge. They best do that by beating you down, and if you won't go down, they beat all the harder, until you either give in, or are dead. I was lucky to survive my childhood. Oh, my dad did not beat my mom, just me, beat her in other ways though. They divorced, and he blamed me as well, and everything else, except himself of course. Has he blamed himself yet that you have heard, I bet not.

It's his marriage, not yours, do you clean up other peoples messes, or just your own? I clean up my own, you make it, you clean it up. And, if you insist on moving your mes into my space, I'll kick your butt out, and your mess, and still leave it for you to clean up. Can't kick it or you out, then I move somewhere where it can't effect me, or I just refuse to acknowledge it, which is very hard.

Hope this has helped, but it sounds like you want to remain blind to your dads worst faults, i.e.saying he is not violent, which makes me laugh quite a bit, being a prime example. he's got to go my dear, maybe not for good, but certainly for the time being. Breaking contact with a parent ain't easy, but if someone is a destructive influence on your life, they have to go, friend or father, and it's just that simple. Some one said that this kind of behavior form a man is not right, clearly said by a woman. Sorry, but this kind of behavior is not right from anyone, man or woman, and a woman hitting a man is not better, and is just as bad, believe me. Don't kid yourself, abuse of men by womoen happens just as much, we just don't report is because of embarrassment. I have not had to suffer thruogh it since childhood, and would never put up with it as an adult, but it happens just as often or near to, trust me on that.

Get on with your life, it's that simple. If he stops paying your tuition, then you have to find other ways. I don't think he will though, he want's it to be "Your decision" else he would have stopped paying for it already. People like this fellow, beyond being control freaks and abusers, have some major guilt issues, he won't cut you off like that I don't think, unless he can justify it. If he has to he will, but otherwise, he would not be trying to manipulate you into doing it. Refuse, don't talk to him, or explain your feelings, and insights you hve gained by coming here, and tell him how you feel. Hell, write it all down before hand, a script over the phone comes in awful handy, don't forget what you want to say from nerves. If he persists in being a bastard, which is likely, break of contact. If out of spite he stops paying for your college, it is to fel more in control. Then, well, you end up attending a state university that is far cheaper, life could be worse. beter that then having this person in your life blaming you and controling you for however many more years you haveto be beholden to them.

Hope this has helped. Use the advice here, and confront your father with what he is, and the logic of your arguements. if that is not enough, then you know you have trried, and you know that he is beyond reason. If, after that, you can not break of ties, and choose to involve yourself and try to solve their problems, then you deserve what you get, and I'll have no sympathy for you, because it then willbe your choice. Your mothers making the right choice getting out of there, mayhaps you should do the same. Take care.

Intense1

Hey, I'm sorry you have been placed in such a position. I know the stress and worry over it all must be syphoning off any peace of mind you might have, so I would encourage you to find some way to get a peace replenishment, where you can take your mind off of it for even a little while.

I noted in your OP that your dad didn't want a divorce because all the things he's worked for would be taken by lawyers, so he wants you to fix "the relationship". I can deduce from this that he's not so upset at the possible end of his marriage to your mom, but at the loss of "stuff". And that he equates "relationship" with said stuff. And he's angry at lawyers, but many in this world are. (sorry - had to point that out)

Domestic abuse has been mentioned in this thread, as has escalation, and so I won't rehash what others have advised/written in a much more eloquent way that I could have. But I would strongly suggest that your mom, in order to ensure your sister's safety as well as her own, get a restraining order against him, so that when you tell him "no dad, I can't help you", he will hopefully think twice before tearing over to the house to take it out on her or your sister. I know a piece of paper can't stop a fist, but it will make local law enforcement aware of the possibility and will put your parents' situation on their radar.

Also, I would encourage you to get your mom to change all the locks in the house, so he can't come in while she's gone. She should make sure he has gotten all of his clothes and things first, but after that, he is barred from entry.

Your dad sounds to me like a tea kettle just before it steams and whistles. Your telling him no might act like boiling water to his self-inflated sense of blamelessness, and he's liable to blow. But that's no reason for you to not tell him no - you know it's the right thing to do, to refuse his ridiculously childish request that you "FIX IT! FIX IT NOW!"

Bless you, my friend, and your mom and little sister. May you be given peace and safety in this most trying season in your lives.

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(none yet, still thinkin')

lurkette

Talo, how's it going? I wouldn't mind an update, to see how you're doing with all of this.

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