JustJess

This is currently hypothetical, since I'm not sure if he'd really want to do this, but I am so curious...
How would you all recommend approaching another woman with the idea of sharing my husband, not necessarily involving me?
No, I'm not crazy!
As it happens, I am not a very jealous person about physical affection. I've had a lot more trips around the block than he has , and I always wanted to give him a chance to explore/experiment a bit. However, if you broach the idea with the average woman, they'll think we're crazy, or just kidding. I don't mind being involved (women being... women! ), but I really don't have to be. I know that he could just pretend to be cheating on me, but I don't think that's fair to the other person. Plus, I don't know if I'd be comfortable with him being with someone who's willing in that situation (not always good intentions involved, doncha know).

So, how would you approach this?

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amonkie

First of all... I'd talk to Quadro and make sure you two are on the same page. Ultimately, if it's about letting Quadro explore, then he's going to have to find or meet someone that draws him in that way - and that you're ok with. Knowing he has your blessing beforehand and keeping the lines of communication open are probably the best way to go.

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lurkette

I don't know how I'd approach this - I'd probably be more likely to give ratbastid permission and then let him approach whomever the woman was he was interested in. Or, we were interested in for him. If it was going to be a surprise for him (hmmmm....) I guess I'd frame it that way - I'd like to give my husband a little treat, are you up for it?

I'm glad I'm not the only female who isn't terribly jealous. I was until about a year, year & 1/2 ago, but we've gone through a lot since then that has really made me rethink my opinions on monogamy and love. Love's not a finite commodity - if I give some to someone, it doesn't mean I have less to give to someone else. And sex is...just sex.

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JustJess

We've talked about it before... he knows I'm not jealous, that I'd like him to be able to have the experience, and he's happy with that. I think I would let him find his own way on this, but I think most women that would be worth the time would want to know for sure that I'm okay with it. I always tell him that it's only cheating if he didn't tell me about it.
The part I'm not sure about is how to talk to that other woman, and whether, if it came to actually meeting someone etc, if Quadro would actually do so.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

*Nikki*

There is no way in hell I would be ok with that. If I were ok with that, I would not be getting married. I guess that marriage means different things to people, but to me it means I am commiting myself to ONE person and he is doing the same for me.

I mean really I have been single long enough and had the oppertunity to roam and so has he.

Why introduce something that could possibly fuck up a seriously good relationship?
Why take a chance that perhaps the grass will be greener?

If you were willing to possibly forever screw your relationship AND possibly lose your husband, then go for it.

lurkette

I understand your reservations, and I'm pretty clear that most people share them. But at least for ratbastid and me, sharing each other has brought us closer together in a lot of ways and actually strengthened our marriage. We're still absolutely committed to each other, but at least for me, I don't need exclusivity to know that we love each other and are committed to staying together for the rest of our lives. It doesn't work for everyone, but I don't think it's likely to fuck up a serious relationship if you go in with your eyes open and some very clear ground rules, and MILITANT communication. From what I know of Quadro and Jess, I don't see how this would be a problem for them.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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Sweetpea

Different things work for different people, what works for Nikki and what works for Lurkette and what works for me might not work for you, it's about finding your own path

I have the opposite . . . i'm a bit jealous , so i haven't shared my husband yet . . . not that i wouldn't if the right situation came along. So kudos to you to be beyond that insecurity that still plauges me and that i work on My husband is the exact same way you are though and is now encouraging me to go out and explore my newly found bisexual side.

If you want to share him . . . then do so . . . (although, don't ya wannt be in on it too? I mean . . . women are lovely)

my husband and i are best friends and have been for 10 years . . . and
Sex is just sex . . . it's pleasure and experiences.

I do not define my marriage but what i choose to exclude . . . but what i choose to add to it. But that's my personal choice.

so when you say how would i approach this? Do you mean with your relationship or literally, how would get get a hot women to have sex with your husband?

sweetpea

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JustJess

Lurkette and Sweetpea - We've had some previous 'events' and we not only enjoyed the other person's company, but we were still just as happy together as before. I would certainly be happy with being involved, but should that not be something another woman would enjoy, that's okay with me.
Nikki - I appreciate your point of view, but in our case, it's not applicable. We've already been through a lot of things together, and I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. This won't - Quadro and I have already established that, in discussions and previous history. Thanks so much for being concerned, though, it's very sweet.
What I'm trying to figure out is who would be interested in this sort of thing? I'm not in the habit of picking up women (or anyone, really!) ! How do I approach someone, or does Quadro do that? Sweetpea, I mean to ask how to get a hot woman for Quadro.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

lurkette

I think you should enlist Quadro's help in identifying the...er...target. Someone he thinks is hot and that you think is acceptable and likely to be up for it. Spend some time with her and when the moment feels right, you just ask her...something like "this is really awkward, but we were wondering if...." If she totally freaks, then um, guess she wasn't the right woman! My guess is that most people would either be flattered but not interested in horning in on your marriage, or they'll jump at the chance to be involved with him or with both of you - you're both hotties

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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JustJess

Yes, I think he'd have to have a lot of input (no pun intended). I think that's my nervousness... it's such an awkward topic for most people! How do YOU decide someone might be up for "targeting"?

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

lurkette

If they flirt a lot and drop hints, if I've had discussions where they talk about relationships and seem pretty open-minded, if they're just so hot that you think "what the hell!?! I'm trying!" heh. In college we thought about a threesome with our good friend Joel. We'd known him for years and figured from conversations we'd had that he'd be up for it, so we asked. At first he was pretty keen, but then we all kind of got weirded out by the prospect (didn't want anything to get in the way of our friendship) and called it off. So then we went to our bi-freak friend Andrea, and asked her. That one didn't work out either but it was the "freak" part that soured the deal. My advice: pick someone you know to be emotionally stable, but that you're not so close to that you couldn't stand losing them if it doesn't work out.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

StormBerlin

I admire you Jess. I'm too jealous to try anything like that, but maybe when I meet the right person it could happen I wish you both luck, and just make sure they're safe about the whole situation. Would you prefer it to be someone that you are both friends with? Or someone you never have to see again if you don't want to?

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ShaniFaye

I think if you're of the personality type where you KNOW you're committed to each other and can go about it where your S/O did/does/will always come first and you communicate all facets of it you should do it.

its not something Dave and I have ruled out, given our lifestyle thats no surprise. As of right now, there is someone specific we'd seriously consider it with some more serious discussion, but only because we know that the people involved think along the same lines

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JustJess

Thanks, Lurkette... I guess I'll just have to take my balls in my hand and jump! Uh, so to speak... It was so easy in college to meet open minded people... I guess we got spoiled.
StormBerlin - That's sweet of you to say. ONE DAY....When you know that they love you and you love them, and that no matter what you're the most and best part of their day... at least for me, that frees me to be able to give them whatever it is that would make them feel good. It helps that he's my best friend, and we have a great time just gossiping together like old maids!! (wow, that was awesome! did you see that??)
ShaniFaye... Yes, communication is so key, I think... I would bet that your someone has been considering it too. From past experiences with threesomes, at some point, you'll just look at each other and know that today is that day. When you're ready for it and things happen, I'd be interested to know how it went!

I feel like I should point out that a big part of my comfort with all of this is that I know that we don't need this kind of stimulation to continue being happy. It would be really nice and tasty icing, though.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

raeanna74

To be honest we've never picked up a person or couple in a more public place or even a regular bar. We picked up a couple once when we were with a couple who were swinger friends of ours. My girlfriend and I were flirting and having fun with this other girl and her boyfriend. It was at a tractor pull. Eventually when things were over we invited them over to our friends place after the pull. That was a surprise to all of us when they took us up on the offer.

Most of the time though hubby and I meet COUPLES at swinger clubs. The single men are more plentiful than single women so finding a single girl can be harder. I'm often the one to proposition the women. It's easier at swinger clubs though because the people there know what everyone else is there for and no one gets offended by propositions. Plus, usually those propositioning dont' get pushy because most clubs have the rule "no means no" rule.

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JustJess

I've thought about the swinger club idea, but I don't know if I (we) are ready for that... Ideally, I'd like things to be more organic than that, like what happened at the tractor pull (tractor pull! not a place I expected linked to swinging!!)... and I think you're right about the couples thing, but unfortunately, I'm bi, Quadro isn't, so that's not really an option unless the other guy isn't either... more and more complicated, no?

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

ShaniFaye

ahhhh if only it were that easy....we've only met the hubby and they live a state away and and and....if it happens one day..it happens, if it doesnt then its no biggie. Both Dave and I have been in open relationships with our previous S/O's so its not like an "unknown" thing for us and we wont "die not knowing what its like" if that makes sense.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Gilda

We've talked about it, and I'd be willing to bring another woman into the relationship, one woman in particular, especially if we were both involved at the same time. I want to share every part of my life that I can with her. Grace, however, doesn't want to share me, even in a situation where she's involved, and it would be very hard for her to accept my being with another woman. At least not yet, and if she never does, which I think most likely, that's ok with me. The relationship I have with her is far too important to me to risk damaging it by doing something that would hurt her.

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Grasshopper Green

Hubby and I are "soft" swingers....we kiss, touch, fondle, etc...just no sex with other people. We were lucky and found a couple that we are friends with that are experimental in this way too...and neither men are bi but it's working fine so far. There are a lot of internet resources on swinging, etc. and there are women out there who would be interested in something like this, but I think it would be harder to find in person than finding someone on the internet. You could always try to find someone in your area online that is interested in this sort of situation and meet her and get to know her a little before you commit to anything. Just a thought!!

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lurkette

/me blushes furiously and runs away giggling

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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ShaniFaye

nothing but love girlie

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

ShaniFaye

Dave and I had a very long discussion about this last nite....longer than we've ever had before. We set very specific ground rules should the occasion present itself. We made sure that we talked about ever aspect of it...if it were another couple and only 2 people of the couple hit it off what would we do. What activities were allowed and what wasnt, what kind of person/persons it had to be etc.

There was not one aspect or rule we did not agree on 100%, neither one had to talk the other "into" any part of it. We talked about OUR relationship and what rammifications something like this might have on it. We discussed whether any thing about it might hurt the other persons feelings and we've come to the conclusion that if there was someone/someones that fit what we did/didnt want we'd have no problem with it.

NO ONE will ever get inside our heads the way we do each other and we both agree that all things being equal, physical gratification, no matter how, would NEVER come close to what we share or damaging it in any way and like Lurkette said, sex is sex

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Supple Cow

So Jess... how is the search coming?

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JustJess

"Search"? Such a strong word, don't you think??

It's interesting to me how threads that haven't been discussed in a long time get brought back up - why do you ask?
Basically, we’re in a holding pattern. Like ShaniFaye, we’ve discussed the possibilities and our “boundaries”, so should someone be interested in a couple such as ourselves, we already know the stuff that’s okay and not okay, so we can communicate that to someone else in that situation.
Other than that?? I don’t know! I’m not likely to just say “Hi, (person’s name inserted here), wanna fuck?” I’m not so good at planning these things ahead, or sometimes, even recognizing the possibilities. I think we’re going to be a little more open about the idea with some of our friends (those who won’t totally freak out or not understand), and let that be the instigator. I’m not comfortable approaching someone uninitiated, or without provocation. I.e., unless someone has been flirting with us already and they're aware of our, um, proclivities, I’m not likely to just bring it up out of nowhere.
It’s funny, I read the above, and it sounds like we would just take anyone who was interested. That’s not the case… we’re both pretty aware that anyone who involves themselves with us should be someone we both feel is special.
Nothing’s simple, hm?

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

v_Jaded_v

Lavalife is a dating site with three profile sections, dating, relationships and intimate encounters. Intimate encounters has many profiles with couples searching for a third person or other couples. Post a profile, exchange email, arrange a meeting. If the vibe is good, procede from there.

However a word of warning, someone very close to me was in the swing scene with his wife. They had done this for a few years. Eventually they decided to go exclusive with another couple. He fell in love with the other woman. They were both going to leave their spouses. However she had second thoughts and went back to her husband. He not only lost his wife, but the woman he believed was his soul mate.

Play with caution.

www.lavalife.com

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