Cereberus

I just re-read your post, and I may have to change my opinion.

It didn't sound like you felt guilty enough. If you did, I'd stand by what I said.

drakers

this is just a sad story...sorry it happened

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ophelia783

Wow.....

Not only did you cheat, but it's almost worse than if the two of you had had sex.....it was more sensual and erotic than just a random fuck, and if you were my bf, you'd be gone.

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Ustwo

And women are wondering why some of us are telling him NOT to tell his gf

I think the TFP women want him to tell so he will be punished.

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maleficent

you say punishment like it's a bad thing...

He basically said it in his first post:
Maybe his girlfriend isn't the right one for him... Is he keeping her around for convenience...

Not telling her it's a lie of ommission. If (NOTICE THE WORD IF) he knew what was doing was wrong, and would hurt his girlfriend, but went ahead and did it anyhow... The girlfrien deserves to know that -- she needs to know what kind of person he is - and it has to be her choice how she acts.

I have very little patience with people who cheat... (and have friends who have gotten themself into that mess... I can support the friend but never the act, and if they get dumped in the process... well... too damn bad...) The truth needs to come out and needs to be told -- even if it hurts -- it will hurt a lot more in the long run.

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TM875

Personally I HATE the "once he cheated he's gone" feelings. That's complete ridiculousness. If you loved a person (as much as many of you girls/guys claim), then why would one slight indiscretion turn you against them? Would you leave your mate if s/he lost all of your savings on a night of gambling? What if he was speeding and wrecked the car (and came out okay)? How about if, instead of keeping that priceless topper to your wedding cake, he and his buddies split it up? Are these instances worth leaving him for?

It's absolutely crazy to assume that one person will be totally and completely connected to you, 100% of the time, forever and ever. Most likely, there will be waxes and wanes in the romantic connection between you and your mate (ladies, don't pretend you've never thought about doing something with a friend or co-worker). And in this lies part of the reason why there's practically a 60% divorce rate in the United States - there's too high of expectations of human perfection.

Okay, maybe our thread starter "cheated" by common definition. Maybe he was attracted to said friend, maybe he wasn't. Hell, maybe he enjoyed screwing around with her more than his current girlfriend. So what? He did not go out and do these actions to expressivly hurt his girlfriend. His "love" for her will not decrease because he spent one night with another chick. More than that, it does not diminish the relationship that they have together, while together! In the end, as long as he gives 100% to the girlfriend while he is with her or committing some relationship-based action, then her should be forgiven for mistakes, fallacies, poor choices, or vice-based actions.

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maleficent

Thinking about it and acting on it are two completely different things. Fantasy is healthy... Crossing over the line and making that fantasy real -- is wrong.

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Daniel_

Love requires trust and openness.

If you love what you believe a person is like, and then find out that they have lied to you, then you might realise that you don't love them after all.

tecoyah

He was cheating.....because she did not know.....Had she been aware Before he acted, it would simply be a new facet to the relationship. Honesty makes for solid relationships.....Deceit kills.

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crow_daw

I have never bought, and will never buy, this argument. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I'm glad you can accept a philosophy such as that. To me, once you're a cheater, you're always a cheater. I am an extremist on this topic. It's all or nothing at all with me. I do not tolerate cheating in any shape or form. And it's not a question of possession of a person. To me sex is something special you share with your SO, and no one else. Affection should not be treated so lightly, unless both parties are in agreement on the issue.

OK, sorry for the attempted threadjacking there.

Onto the topic at hand, I agree with the majority of posters. It was absolutely cheating, and you absolutely have to tell her. And you absolutely should not be together anymore.

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dlish

tecoyah, so whata re u suggesting..

lets just say that it really was a spur of the moment thing..are u suggesting he make the call...

"hunny, im just about to tie up and rub my best friend in baby oil..thought id let you know..ciao..lotsa love hun xxooo"

it was a spur of the moment..maybe he had been thinkinga bout it before hand, but thats not a crime...

its a tough call, but i say dont tell and save ureself the headache..

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ShaniFaye

editing my post I've said all I need to say on this particular subject and I need to leave it at that

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Vaultboy

Quoted for truthery.

Looking aty the other threads regarding Cheating, I think that its become too easy to give up on relationships. I think that we've become too obsessed with pursuing our own happiness through Dr Phil and self-help books, so that as soon as an unsavoury event happens in our relationships, we cut and run.

Its ironic how most women (and some men) on this forum talk about marriage vows and commitment, yet they are just as quick to say "leave him/her" if there's trouble. Trying times like these is what really test your commitment, and by the speed with which most people here advise break-ups, the sad truth is that most of us are not as commited as we think.

What good is honesty and talking through the issues in your relationship if you'll only "work on it" if you hear what you want to hear? I for one belive that there is a way back from infidelity. Its not easy or quick to regain that trust, but it can be done. Not all cases of infidelity are the same, and I think that people on this forum are way too quick to tar all cheaters with the same brush.

Spread some love. Especially to the people you don't want to.

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Cereberus

If I use your logic, if my wife ever went out and spent too much money, she will forever after be a spendthrift, and we should not be together anymore.

Personally, I accept that my wife has flaws, and she accepts that I have them as well.

My philosophy is that no one is going to be the perfect mate, and the best you can hope for is that they try, and sincerely regret when they make a mistake.

Which doesn't seem to be the case here. It would be tough to be married to a cheater, OR to a person who'll end everything if you fall short of perfection.

tecoyah

What I am saying is simple:

He had a descision to make, and chose to explore a sexual fantasy. Nothing wrong with that. He did not communicate with his girlfriend that he was doing so. Something wrong with that. They will both be hurt, and the relationship(trust) damaged. I think we call this.......reality.

But of course....that is only my opinion.

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Cynthetiq

you don't put yourself in the situation UNTIL AFTER the discussion has been had and agreed upon by both parties.

it's not a crime to deal with it spur of the moment, but, the individual still has to own up to and be responsible enough to accept the consequences of the actions.

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ratbastid

Cheating, no question.

As for those who wouldn't tell, I have a little story for you.

The summer after our Freshman year of college, lurkette and I went to our separate homes and were apart for the first significant period of time in our relationship. I was lonely and horny and miserable, and one night I hooked up with a girl I worked with. We didn't have intercourse, but we did everything else.

For thirteen years I carried that around with me. I never breathed a word of it to anyone. Every time things got a little rocky with lurkette, I knew it was because of my lie. Every time she was jealous of girls I spent time with (particularly those I worked with) I died a little. Quite literally, I'd think about it and suffer about it every few days, even when things were going well.

About a year ago, while participating in the transformational education program that I'm part of, I watched someone come clean about something very much like this. It was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch, not least because I knew that was me. I couldn't hide it any longer. I couldn't live with the lie any more.

I told lurkette about it, and she forgave me, and since then I only ever think about it when I'm reminded of it. It no longer comes unbidden from the recesses of my memory to take my legs out from under me in my relationship with my wife. Freedom and creativity are possible in my relationship now--now that that withhold is gone.

Here's my point: it's easy to lie (or "not tell" or "protect her feelings" or however you justify it). What's hard is living with yourself after you've done that. Who you become for yourself is a liar and a cheat. You can get along just fine in life with something like that hanging over your head--hell, I lasted about 12 years--but the quality of your life and your relationships will suffer.

Edit: Regarding the notion that "telling will destroy the trust in the relationship".... That ship has sailed. You've already destroyed the trust in the relationship. Telling is the first step at restoring it.

NoSoup

I don't know if I am crossing the line here - if so, please delete my post...

I mean no offence by this TM875, but I am under the assumption that this is a rather typical arguement for those that cheat, or have cheated in the past.

To satisfy my own curiosity, I am going to ask - although I would understand if you chose not to respond.

Have you cheated in the past?

I understand we all have varying optinions on cheating and sex in general, but "If you loved a person (as much as many of you girls/guys claim), then why would one slight indiscretion turn you against them?" doesn't sit well with me.

To me, sex with another person isn't a "slight indescretion" - it is a choice that was made by the person who is cheating. But again, sex to me is something where the rules should be firmly established with your S/O well before anything happens - if sex outside the relationship is acceptable, then it isn't a big deal - but if it is to be held sacred, cheating is certainly not a "slight indescretion" - at least in my opinion...

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ShaniFaye

Can I ask if trust is an important part of your relationships with anyone? Because from what you said it sure doesnt sound like it. To a lot of us being able to trust the person your with is high on the list of why we love the person we are with. I know in my case its VERY hard, if not impossible to win my trust back once its been broken.

When he stated that he enjoyed this episode more than ones he's had with his g/f how can you so boldy state IMO it most certainly does diminish it

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chickentribs

NoSoup and Shani, I agree for the most part with TM875 and have never cheated on a SO, including a relationship that lasted 8 years. I was cheated on, and agree with both of you that it is in no way a slight indiscretion. However, I think too many people talk about love, commitment, loyalty, and the popular "unconditional love", and than wrap it in a list of rules and conditions.

Ultimatums and if/then statements seem to back people into a corner based on fear. I guess I would prefer to partner up and deal with each other's mistakes and shortcomings without predetermined punishments. Does that mean you give permission for cheating and lying? Of course not, it means that I want a relationship based on solving problems instead of one based on a zero tolerance policy.

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Oft expectation fails...
and most oft there Where most it promises
- Shakespeare, W.

JustJess

(vote: yeah, you cheated. more from the emotional standpoint than the physical one. but you know that already.)

In terms of cheating... I have to agree with 'ribs. There are a LOT of reasons people make mistakes. I think it's a mistake to write someone off immediately without knowing the whys of it. Sometimes, a person is just unable to commit, or they are looking for a way out of the relationship, etc. But not always. Sometimes, it's a "cry for help". It's acting out. It's not about the other person. I think any extreme in a relationship is going to be unfair to someone, and probably everyone.

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NoSoup

I completely agree with you with the exception of the aforementioned topic. In fact, that is probably one of the best ways I have seen such a sentiment verbalized.

However, unless otherwise stated, sexual relations should be one of the most sacred things in a relationship - It is the one thing in a relationship that I hold to the zero-tolerance policy. Anything else I am willing to work through, but cheating on someone violates trust beyond repair.

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I have an aura of reliability and good judgement.

Just in case you were wondering...

chickentribs

Thank you NoSoup, that was nice of you to say.

I can't argue with you that it certainly changes the relationship. Dicey business, forgiveness can be...

__________________
Oft expectation fails...
and most oft there Where most it promises
- Shakespeare, W.

Locke00000

Well, to follow up. I did a lot of thinking about this, and kinda realized that we were already approaching a point in the relationship where it was going to be all-or-nothing (ie. It will turn into a long-term relationship, or it won't). I realized that the only things I could think about were all the negatives and that they didn't outweigh the positives.

She just left. With all her stuff.

I told her we needed to talk, and I didn't want her to say anthing until I finished. She didn't seem very angry after I told her what I did, but explained that it was a sign of the inevitable, and that we had to call it quits. She agreed, although reluctantly, that it probably wasn't going to work out.

I don't regret the relationship, which is good, and we agreed to stay friends (mainly because we see each other every weekend).

Thanks for helping me realize that it was just the expression of a bigger problem.

maleficent

Sorry it ended that way for ya... but you were honest with her and didn't lie to her and that matters a lot to both you and to her...

Good luck...

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chickentribs

Sorry to hear it, Locke...

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Oft expectation fails...
and most oft there Where most it promises
- Shakespeare, W.

dirtyrascal7

That's why they say 'things happen for a reason.' Be glad that you recognized it and acted accordingly rather than getting deeper into something that's not right.

Sweetpea

well bravo to you for being honest and getting everything out in the open.
I'm sorry about the breakup, those are always hard, even when you know they are coming . . .
you took the right step IMHO . . . good luck and thanks for sharing with all of us

Sweetpea

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abaya

Yep, that sucks. But it's a better suckage than if you had hidden it, or if the relationship had gone on in a half-ass manner. Now I'm not advocating fooling around with someone else as a means to discover if you're really in love with someone (there are better ways to realize these things!... e.g. lots of communication), but in your case that's what it took. So cheers to you for coming to the TFP and asking for advice, then stepping up to the truth in the end. That takes strength. I wish you luck in the aftershock.

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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Daniel_

Glad you did the right thing. It's hard, but in the long run you'll be proud that you did.

Leave it a dignified length of time before you tie the other girl up and fuck her brains out though.

A week should be enough......

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mandy

well, in my opinion i'd be totally ENRAGED had it been my bf.but thats just the way i am and frankly i'd rather have him tell me than have to find out from the friend, who would most probably want more seeing as it was an eye opener for her, who is trying to ruin the relationship.

but the decision is all yours to make:
eaither you live with a guilty conscience or you come clean and try to make her understand.

not saying that she will, but its worth the try.everything is.

ruggerp11

Forgetting for one second that people have different limits, I try to do this when considering actions.

Would I like it if my girlfriend did it to some other guy? (I don't have a gf but a good strategy is...do onto others as they would do onto you).

Me?? I would not like it if my significant other was tying or being tied down by some other dude. Not cool.

I guess that is something you might use in the future, with the next gf. I'm proud of you for telling her the truth, but it might be better to end things before getting physical with another woman.

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ratbastid

Good for you.

analog

You have two options:

1. Tell your girlfriend, anticipate and accept anything she throws at you, both figurative and literal.

2. Break up with her, cite infidelity as the reason. Take the verbal beating like a man.

The others were correct. If you have to hide it, whatever it is, it's cheating.

Batski

I cant see that this is bragging. What would it be bragging about?
It's just something that happened, and you were experimenting. Dont tell g/f. Things DO NOT always "come out" millions and millions of secrets go to the grave.
You guys are SOS strict and moralistic, like being in a relationship is a prison.

ShaniFaye

well if strict and moralistic is being honest with your partner then you bet you booty I am.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Tophat665

Is it cheating: Yes.

Is it the kind of cheating that should piss your GF off: Probably not. You showed superhuman restraint to keep it where you did.

Would it piss her off: Indubitably. You will hear about it for years if you don't get insta-dumped.

Forget it ever happened an never mention it again. Don't even think about it.

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tacobaal

yes it sure is cheating, if my GF did that to me or anything even remotely like it she would be on the curb.

Spicy McHaggis

It was probably cheating but you should NOT tell her. Nothing good will come of it. Why ruin your current relationship because you didn't have sex with another woman?

Don't do it again and you're fine. Don't tell her and make her break up with you

dlish

well im sorry that it ended. i was of the opinion that you shouldnt have told her, but alas..

at least you can tie up ure best friend and smother her with baby oil all over again and not feel guilty ..now how good is that!!!!!

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I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
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