Cheating, no question.
As for those who wouldn't tell, I have a little story for you.
The summer after our Freshman year of college, lurkette and I went to our separate homes and were apart for the first significant period of time in our relationship. I was lonely and horny and miserable, and one night I hooked up with a girl I worked with. We didn't have intercourse, but we did everything else.
For thirteen years I carried that around with me. I never breathed a word of it to anyone. Every time things got a little rocky with lurkette, I knew it was because of my lie. Every time she was jealous of girls I spent time with (particularly those I worked with) I died a little. Quite literally, I'd think about it and suffer about it every few days, even when things were going well.
About a year ago, while participating in the transformational education program that I'm part of, I watched someone come clean about something very much like this. It was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch, not least because I knew that was me. I couldn't hide it any longer. I couldn't live with the lie any more.
I told lurkette about it, and she forgave me, and since then I only ever think about it when I'm reminded of it. It no longer comes unbidden from the recesses of my memory to take my legs out from under me in my relationship with my wife. Freedom and creativity are possible in my relationship now--now that that withhold is gone.
Here's my point: it's easy to lie (or "not tell" or "protect her feelings" or however you justify it). What's hard is living with yourself after you've done that. Who you become for yourself is a liar and a cheat. You can get along just fine in life with something like that hanging over your head--hell, I lasted about 12 years--but the quality of your life and your relationships will suffer.
Edit: Regarding the notion that "telling will destroy the trust in the relationship".... That ship has sailed. You've already destroyed the trust in the relationship. Telling is the first step at restoring it.
Last edited by ratbastid; 05-23-2005 at 07:12 AM..
|