Locke00000

This is a bit weird, as I don't regret the situation at all, but want to know how to explain it to my GF (or if I even should...*sigh*)

For the past few weekas a good friend of mine has been having trouble with her boyfriend (they have been seeing each other for somewhere around 2 years). She finally called it quits the other night. I spent the day with her the next day, as she was pretty depressed. Her and I have a great friend relationship, and we can talk about almost anything. Later in the evening, we got into a conversation about sex and why she morally wants to save herself, etc. She mentioned that fooling around had gotten pretty bland between her and her BF.

I mentioned some of the kinky stuff that my GF and I take part in, and she said she had a real curiosity for bondage, particularly being tied down. Fast forward 20 minutes and she is tied down to my bed with caution tape, chains, handcuffs, etc. She is wearing a nightgown, and it never ever comes off. Basically, I end up doing a lot of touching (nothing blatently sexual, but massaging her legs, her neck, stomach...the kind of almost-foreplay-but-not-quite type things). Eventually she says that she is getting tired, and that I'm obviously not very good at this.

I'll admit..its difficult when I'm not turned on, and cant really explore anything...so I tell her I'm going to take it up a notch, though she can stop it any time she wants..she agrees. Though the conversation right after that basically is:
her: what would (your gf) say about this?
me: what would (your ex-who she still is kinda all about) say?
her: he would be pissed.
me: Good.

I end up on top of her. She has a kind of power issue, and I basically started doing the whole "you realize you have no control..." type thing. Eventually she kinda freaked and started to struggle, so I pressed myself against her and held her down; pretty much just restraining her...though the sexual tension was obviously there. She continued to struggle, but eventually gave up through my convincing that she was getting no-where, that I was in control, etc. We got pretty close, and then she just kind-of stared into my eyes.

After a few seconds, she got this kind-of scared look. I told her that I know what she was afraid of, and I leaned forward as if to kiss her, but pulled back at the last second. She obviously wasn't scared, because the second time I was teasing her, she thrust her head up (bad Idea considering there was a chain around her neck..but she didn't seem to mind).

She seemed dejected a bit, and struggled some more, though she was tired, and her limited movement was already hampered by the restraints, so she didn't do much. Eventually she conceded, though we agreed we should stop.

I untied her, and she said she really enjoyed it, and wouldn't mind doing it again.

My problem. I really don't know if I should tell my GF about this. Or how I can explain it without it sounding like I was cheating on her. Because obviously she will start to jump to conclusions and it will become a lot worse in her mind...I just dont know... We didn't do anything sexual, it was just...fun.

Though what scares me is it was more fun than any sex I have ever had with my current gf. It was exhilerating, partially because it was stepping over a few of the limits that we had put into place, and was...I think, eye-opening for her. I was left with a euphoric feeling that had nothing to do with wanting sex, but was...I dont know...

That part I know I shouldnt tell her.

twinkle

Not sexual???? WHAT???

Yes. You cheated. And I can totally imagine the shattered look on your girl's face as you try to justify tying down and groping another girl.

Ok, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. You should tell your girlfriend, though. And if you're not happy with her, leave her.

abaya

As many people on TFP have said... anything that you feel like hiding from your significant other is a form of cheating. So you'd better damn tell your gf ASAP.

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Axiom_e

I admire your restraint though I believe your should have even put yourself in that situation. The girl was obviously looking for some physical contact so she could rebound from her bf. You seem to be developing a slight grass is greener on the other side complex.

If you tell you girl no matter what you say she will be pissed. Have you done this to test her?

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Cynthetiq

what abaya said....

I can't believe you have to ask for clarification.

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MEAD

This is sad.

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cyrnel

Some relationships survive or even thrive with outside partners. What are your mutual boundaries? It doesn't sound as if you two have dealt with the topic yet. If so, not good. The fact you know your gf wouldn't be happy about what you did means you're in a jam. Still, ask yourself what's left of your relationship without trust.

For me, cheating implies "outside intimacy without agreement". That's just a physical form of lying, and lying is a very secure nail in the coffin of any relationship. Often the hardest thing to recover from. You have a very small amount of wiggle room here since you didn't actually screw the girl, but I'd use it to recover and communicate instead of trying to bury a skeleton. She might surprise you and you'll expand your activities. You'll at least come out with the lesson and your self-respect.

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Lead543

If you're trying to figure out a way to explain it without it looking like cheating, then it is cheating.


If you care about your girlfriend and respect her in the least you'll tell her. She deserves to know and decide whether or not she wants to be with you. You're conflicted about telling her because you're conflicted about her reaction. All of this you should've thought of before you tied your friend to the bed.

Ugh.

Furry

Also ugh. Any situation where there is creation (not just release) of sexual tension can lead very far, very fast.

If there's ever a next time, point her to the nearest bookstore.

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Sweetpea

if you feel you should hide it . . . it's cheating.

open and honest . . . open and honest . . . open and honest . . . without those two things, you can never have a solid relationship.

it's up to you what kind of relationship you wish to have.

Sweetpea

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highthief

Yes it's cheating.

Good God, don't ever tell her. Just don't do it again if you value the relationship.

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abaya

The last two paragraphs of your OP sum everything up, and that's the stuff you ought to communicate and be honest about.

Forgive my cynicism, but did you come here looking for advice or to boast in some way?

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william

Here's the bottom line, as I read it - if she would have said yes, and gone further, you would have too. Make no mistake - you were cheating, and it's not a question of asking for the definition of the word "is", or "it" or wth Pres. Bill said. Here's the question to truly know - if the situation were reversed, what would you say? Did your g/f cheat? Sure as shit. Now the real question - do you stand up, and tell your g/f she's not all you want, or do you hide this? Be honest w/yourself - there has to be something lacking, or you wouldn't have taken advantage of someone in a bad situation.

martinguerre

would you mind if your SO was up to the same tricks? if you walked in on your SO being tied down to a bed, would you assume that what was transpiring was a violation of the trust of the relationship?

fess up, and move on if you have to...but that was most definitely cheating.

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Locke00000

*sigh* now I feel like crap. And rightfully so, it seems. I guess the most obvious answer was:


My only hope is that all the talk we have of wanting an open relationship is actually valid...I know I wont do it again. I'm going to go to bed or something till she gets here. *sigh* I fucked this one up.

dlish

ok so u screwed up..big deal..just know what u did was wrong, admit it to yourself and move forward..but what she doesnt know wont hurt her.. so i dont think she has to know..it would make this a lot more difficult

i think u need to talk to ure best friend and tell her that what u guys did was wrong also, and that u are remorseful and ensure that it doesnt happen again. maybe set some guidelines and boundaries for yourself when your with ure best friend

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Disco Stu

well, I hate to be the guy that everyone else is going to rake over the coals for this one.. but I'm going tell you what I think anyways!

I wouldn't tell your lady what happened, she is just going to be really hurt and lose all faith in men. (maybe not a bad thing, but don’t ruin it for the rest of us) anyways, you have cheated. oh well, you had the choice at the time and went with what felt good to you (and apparently her). I would end the relationship since you obviously don't feel as strongly for this girl as you might have thought (I only say this because of what happened with this other girl) and find someone that you truly love and wouldn't even consider embarking on such a frisky endeavor again unless she’s involved. Or else you could do what everyone else says and tell your lady the truth and hope things work out. (yeah, that'll happen) And who knows. Maybe the girl that you tied up really enjoyed it and you said yourself, you really liked the whole experience as well. maybe that will lead to a whole new relationship that you enjoy much more than your current one.

Hope this point of view doesn't offend to many people, but what's the fun of a community forum if you aren't going to enjoy all the colorful posts of its members. Have a great weekend, AND FOR HEAVENS SAKE! DON'T TELL YOUR LADY!

TM875

Okay, maybe I'm the only one here who's willing to be honest about dishonesty...but are you kidding me?

Personally, there's no way in HELL I'd want to know about my girlfriend doing something like this. Perhaps I prefer to live in dilusional happy-land, but what I don't know can't hurt me that much.

Maybe you were cheating, maybe you weren't - it depends on the confines of the relationship. I've been with girls that got pissed if I so much as looked at another female (those relationships didn't last long). The girl that I was happiest with was one in which we had a very open relationship. As described above wasn't "cheating", inasmuch as the conductor was not in (romantic) love with the conductee. More than that, I personally wouldn't want to know about (or would actually be turned-on by) the actions that occurred.

My rule has always been that, as long as you're only thinking about me when you're with me, that's good enough.




Unless I marry you.

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Lead543

I'm going to say a little something if you choose not to tell her.

She WILL find out.

Someone always says something, it gets passed along, etc, etc. When my now ex boyfriend cheated on me the first time I forgave him because he came clean about it to me. When I found out about more cheating happening later from a friend of his I was pissed off. We had broken up 2 months prior to me learning of this and it made me feel worse. I've had 3 boyfriends cheat on me, 2 told me straight up, 1 I found out later and then the situation I just mentioned. It hurt me more hearing it from a second source then hearing it straight from the guy. At least I knew these guys still had a little bit of respect for me in that they were willing to be honest and ask for forgiveness, even though, they didn't necessarily get it.


**Sorry to rant like this cheating just bugs the crap outta me**

Halx

Methinks this is a question for the sake of bragging. Please come here seeking ADVICE.

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twinkle

Pretty much anything that's ever been kept from me in a relationship has come spilling out and some point, be it recently after it happened or years later.

Not being told by the perpetrator of the hurt justs adds to the pain --- you not only know that you were messed around, but you knew that other people knew (even if it's only the people directly involved, but honestly, it's usually way more than that --- usually people you saw day after day) and that's embarassing on top of everything else.

So, don't make an ass out of her. Tell her.

Because not telling is, despite how anyone else wants to justify it, the most convenient for YOU. And that isn't fair.

maxhooters

yes it is. you said you wanted to kiss her so that is cheat. and what you were doing to her at the time does not help

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Steffi

That part of your situation seemed to jump out at me. Saying that it was more fun than being with your current gf is only going to make matters worse. For that comment alone I would definitely consider this a form a cheating. The only way to make things better is to tell your gf what happened. I can't say that things will all be great, but you'll feel a lot better after telling her.

I can say that if my bf told me this, I would not be very understanding. Your gf may be a little more understanding than me though. So all I can say is good luck.

Ustwo

Honesty is the best policy, unless it fucks up your relationship and your life.

I don't know what kind of girl your GF is, but telling her may cost you a gf, or she may be very hurt. Are you doing it to be honest with her or to make you feel less guilty? If its for your benifit, don't do it, you haven't earned it and she hasn't earned the pain.

It may be better to let this slide as a stupid act on your part, and continue on.

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maleficent

The time to find out whether or not the open relationship talk was valid is BEFORE you actually spend time with another woman. Not after the fact. You clearly think you did something wrong, so you were obviously not in an open relationship... Don't even try that as an excuse.

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pinkie

That is so cheating, and so lame.

Daniel_

I have to add my tick to the "cheating" column.

Fess up.

It will hurt, but at least you have a little dignity.

maleficent

For those advocating not telling, and I'm not condeming you for that stance... I have one question... If Locke wanted a permanent relationship with this woman (and he probably doesnt otherwise he wouldn't have strayed) isn't not telling a lie of omission. Isn't she entitled to know the truth, even if it does hurt, then it's up to her as to what to do with that truth?

He made a decision that does affect her in a way, only he's not allowing her to have any kind of say in that decision.

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*Nikki*

If my SO did that I would kick his ass out in a heartbeat.

MexicanOnABike

hehe.. i see what you did as cheating so much that if she doesnt break up with you, then she's crazy.

you need to tell her right now. . . before someone else tells her(like your chick friend)...

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Robaggio

Wait, I'm confused. He was just showing a good friend an example of more "kinky" things. There was no sex involved? What's the problem?

If he was showing one of his male buddies would this be a problem?
Does it make a difference if he liked it or not?

I think you guys are jumping to "cheating" a bit too quickly here. This is a good friend of his. Don't get me wrong, he should definatly tell his SO what happened. But at the same time I don't see this as "cheating" in the sense as what you guys are making it out to be.

flamingdog

Come off it.

Sex doesn't just have to be sticking your dick in someone, or letting them stick it in you. Sex is about intimacy.

A line of intimacy was crossed here, in my view, and that is a definite betrayal of the one the OP calls his girlfriend. Personally, I don't think he should have even got into the territory of discussing sex with her, but whatever. I would have closed the discussion down round about the point that she mentioned the sex with her ex-bf had got quite bland. That's none of my business. It looks to me like the OP seized an opportunity right there to open her up.

Perhaps sitting down and looking at some websites or books about bondage, etc, that provide a jumping-off point for her own exploration of these things could be described as 'showing a good friend an example of more "kinky" things'. Tying her up in her nightgown and massaging her body is not an example of that. That is quite blatantly sexualised behaviour, and if you're in a monogamous relationship, convention states that such a relationship is where such behaviour should stay.

You cheated, and in my book, cheating sucks.

TexanAvenger

When in doubt, it's probably cheating.

Except in this case... where I would say that it's not only cheating, but you come off as being fairly proud of it as well.

Daoust

Geez. A man has a little session including dominance, tying a girl down, massaging her whole body, rubbing her, lying on top of her in basically her underwear, and you guys get ALL OVER him. If that's cheating, then I'm a cheater ten times over... Aren't we all being a little judgmental?

/remove tongue from cheek

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ShaniFaye

then he should have no problem going and telling his g/f ALL about it, and he wouldnt have had to ask US if it was considered cheating.

oh and just so my vote is counted, yes its cheating.....if you have to figure out whether or not you should hide it from your S/O its cheating plain and simple, it doesnt matter if intercourse itself didnt take place, And yes, if he'd tied up one of his male buddies in only his underwear and massaged him and admitted it turned him on more than being with his g/f it would still be considered cheating....gender makes no difference when it comes to hiding things from the person you call your g/f

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maleficent

Can I ask one really simple question... How'd she end up in her nightgown while you were still there?

and what did she mean by "morally wanting to save herself"? So why would she allow you, not her boyfriend, who has a girlfriend to tie her up and massage her? That's not making a lot of sense to me...

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iamabanana

If you have feelings for a person and you're in that situation.. then yes. It is cheating.

Ustwo

It depends on the GF. Would being able to tell be best? Yes. But what if she is the non-forgiving type? Is it better to tell and have her leave?

Perhaps worse is what if she would forgive you but be very hurt. You know the crying, self doubt kinda thing. Does she DESERVE this pain because you were a dumbass?

I have never had this kind of thing come up in any of my relationships, but IF it was an honest laspe of judgement and the OP is truely upset with him self and won't do it again, what benifit is there is in telling his gf?

The truth can hurt more than a lie, and she didn't earn the pain.

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dlish

ok i got a question...

1) yeah..how did she end up in her nightgown?
2) if she needed a massage or was tense, why didnt she go to a masseur?
3) did u get a hard on when u were tying her up and massaging her and feeling her up?

if u did get a woody, then yeah its cheating...so what, doesnt necesarily mean u tell her...

have a deep think about which girl u really wnat to be with.. cos u obviuosly would have banged your friend up if the opportunity came about..



so..... be true to yourself first.

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Cereberus

Of course it was cheating. That's why it was so exhilarating--because you knew it was something you weren't supposed to be doing.

And if you tell your GF, you're nuts.

Don't get me wrong--a lot of people here think your post was more bragging than asking for advice. I didn't interpret it that way.

So IF my interpretation is correct, and you're feeling guilty, that's good. If you're never going to do it again, even better. People who develop a habit of doing crap like this, and hiding it from their SO, are scum.

But if you want to be with your GF long-term, and you don't want to have it thrown in your face in every argument for the next twenty years (at which point she may have forgiven, but she won't EVER forget), you'll keep your mouth shut. Especially to your friends.

If you ever think you want to do it again with anyone else, do all concerned a favor and break up with your GF. Even then, I don't think it's an absolute necessity to tell your GF, because there's a good chance she'll interpret it in terms of there being something wrong with her.

From what I've seen, I've just disagreed with every female who posted in this thread, but I've seen the results of both versions with my friends, and I have yet to see a guy who was glad he told.

Like I said, that's a twenty-year sentence.