weebo

ok heres the deal me and my wife had a MMF with one of my friends and all went well no problems well later on down the road we did a MFF with one of her friends and during this little (party) I ended up fucking the girl which hell that one of the things we were after my wife gets upset after the girl had left and says to me (i cant believe you fucked her) well to go back a bit before i took it to that level i leaned over and asked my wife if she wanted to watch me fuck her and she said yes so im kinda confused how to handle this one?

Samalie

Groundrules....its all about the groundrules.

You cannot make things up as you go along.

My wife and I have not yet done a threesome - but we have talked about it, and the rules (in our case) are quite clear. I do not fuck the other girl. Period, end of discussion.

I do feel for you and the mixed message you seem to have gotten - but you're in a fuck of a bind now man. Sit down, talk to your wife, and hopefully you can work it through.

This unfortunately is the danger of the 3-some while in a committed relationship - things going to far and giving grief.

I wish you the best man. Good luck.

bendsley

weebo: Next time you might try some punctuation as it makes the story a bit easier to read.

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Stompy

If you asked her and she said yes, it's her problem.

She shouldn't agree to things that she doesn't mean. Can't be any more blunt than that, IMO.

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Glory's Sun

this is something I don't understand. How can it be ok to have a MMF threesome and her have sex with the guy but you can't have sex in with the other woman in the MFF threesome? There seems to be something odd about that to me. Also I agree with the ground-rules thing. You have to establish what is acceptable and what isn't. It saves the kind of drama you're in now.

vox_rox

If I understand correctly, you're saying that during the act itself, you asked your wife if you could actually have intercourse with this girl, to which she replied yes. Then, after the fact, she intoned that you should not have.

If htose are the facts, then as was already stated, you both have to sit down and talk about how you feel about what happened. Clearly you both failed to communicate before and/or during this threesome, which is exactly the wrong way to do things.

This kind of thing does not come with instructions, and it's a bit of a minefield, so you have to know going in (no pun intended!), that something like this may happen.

Deal with it using good communciation, and if you both decide to continue with group sex, make sure that you both know each other's wants and needs, and follow them.

Peace,

Pierre

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indigochild111

Maybe she didn't want to get into a debate with you right in the middle of it. Maybe she expected that you wouldn't have sex with her in the first place. Either way, I don't think blame should be placed on EITHER of you. You definitely need to have a conversation about it. But just make sure that you don't go into it saying..."well you said you'd watch.." because then she will feel like she is being accused. And you will not get anywhere with that conversation. Just apologize that you hurt her feelings. And ask her how she feels and what she would want if there was a next time. This way, you are not apologizing for the actual act, as I'm sure you feel you didn't do anything wrong, but you are apologizing for the way it made her FEEL. Sometimes, that is enough. You both neglected to communicate exactly what you wanted to happen. It is just a misunderstanding so you should be able to work past it.
Good luck!

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kutulu

I'm assuming that she fucked your friend during the MMF. It seems hypocritical for her to get upset about you fucking her friend in the MFF.

ratbastid

Not married, are ya Stomp?

Here's how marriage works: if it's her problem, it's your problem. Because you stood in front of an altar or a justice of the peace and said so.

I have a little experience in this area, weebo. Others are dead-on. You have to discuss your boundaries ahead of time. Nobody said they had to be fair--you may be comfortable with her having intercourse with others and she may not be. There's no requirement that it be even or fair or that anybody be the bigger person.

I know you feel burned, like the rules changed on you, or you didn't know you were breaking the rules. Trust me on this: the rules changed and you didn't know you were breaking them. It works like that sometimes. You STILL have to apologize for breaking the rules, whether or not she apologizes for changing them.

If you limit the above practice to "how to handle yourself around group sex," then you're missing the boat. This is how MARRIAGE works. YOU are 100% responsible for how it goes. You don't get to hold out for her to take care of your relationship or your ego or for her to be the bigger person or to apologize first or ANYTHING like that, EVER. And, of course, she's 100% responsible for it too, and doesn't get to run any of that stuff back on you. That's what relationships look like when they're working--both people are 100% responsible for it. When they're not working, it's because somebody's only being 99% responsible for the relationship, and they're holding that 1% out against their partner.

(Incidentally, saying to your partner "You're not being 100% responsible for it" is just you not being 100% responsible for it.)

Stompy

Married? No. Long-term relationship? Yes.

No difference, really. I just don't get a tax break, and I don't get punished if my relationship doesn't work out in the end.

I don't play games, that's all. If I ask someone something and they say yes but mean something else, then I better not get shit for it. If I do, then ya got problems.

If I'm in a threesome and I ask my g/f if she would like to see me fuck this other girl and she replies YES, then I'm gonna do it. I don't wanna hear about it later on, because yes means yes. If you don't mean yes, don't say yes. If you're unsure, don't say yes. Simple.

If anything, it's a good lesson in "don't say yes to something unless you really agree with it!"

Just like when you ask, "What's wrong?" and they say, "Oh, nothing." I usually leave it at that. I don't play games. They're annoying.. and it is a game for the fact she could screw his best friend (or variations thereof), but he can't? Haha, pretty hypocritical!

[edit]
I do agree that it should've been discussed before hand. You don't just jump into a threesome completely unprepared for situations like that!

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Seaver

I do agree with above that it's hypocritical that she (presumably) had sex with the guy in the MMF threesome, but gets pissed when you did in the MFF.

Explain to her though, that it's HER that you're interested, not the friend. Make sure to tell her that OVER AND OVER again in the talk that's going to come up.

And I got to take Stompy's side here (wow a first I think), I dont take girls bullshit. I know I'm one of the only ones that doesnt, but I've never had a girl that didnt respect that. If they dont like something I expect them to say something, I dont let them piss and moan about it later if they gave their permission. Though I'm sure she didnt want to get in an argument in the middle of the threesome...

doncalypso

Situations like these are the exact reason why I would never get into a threesome with my girlfriend or any person I was in a relationship with. If I were ever to get in a threesome it would have to be with women that I'm not romantically involved with.

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weebo

I thought the ground rules were set this isnt somthing that just happened over night we have talked about it for yrs and she has said that yes thats something she perfectly fine with and one of the things she said was that it was so easy for me to do it and because of my job im gone away from home alot and for long periods of time and it made her start wondering if it was that easy for me to do it what has stopped me when im off on one of my trips and i keep telling her its because SHE said yes go for it!! and for the one person who had nothing to say about this topic except to bash on my puncuation skills if you dont like the way i type dont read my threads thats the nicest way i can say that...period

lurkette

The heart of the problem as I see it:

Sometimes even if you discuss this to death ahead of time, people's feelings change in the middle of the situation, or even afterward. You're dealing with complex human emotions, and no matter how much people talk about "fair" or "hypocritical" the bottom line is she's unhappy.

Now, let's make a crucial distinction between BLAME and RESPONSIBILITY. There is absolutely no way you are to blame for this situation. She said "yes," you took her at her word. However, now she's upset, and both of you as a team need to take responsibility for making sure you get back to equilibrium. She needs to be responsible for saying yes when she didn't mean it, or for finding out why she's upset about it now, and making sure that she communicates about it in the future. You are only responsible for accepting that she's upset, period. You don't need to do anything about it other than hear it, acknowledge it as legitimate (not fair, not logical, just that she's entitled to feel this way), and promise to communicate whatever's there for you. If you are upset because you can't trust that she'll say what she means, or know what she wants, that, too is legitimate.

I know this is completely counterintuitive given the nature of the situation and the emotions involved, but things like this work best, in my experience, when nobody takes anything personally. Something happened. She had a feeling about it. Now what are you (the two of you) going to do about it?

If people in general would quit being so goddamn self-righteous the world would be a better place. That goes double for people in relationships, and is an absolute necessity for people involved in polyamorous relationships. If either partner can't grasp that, then an open/poly relationship is probably not for you.

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indigochild111

I've been in situations similar to this. Sometimes, although you agree to something, you change your mind. That's why we have free will. To change our minds. Unfortunately, you didn't know that she had changed her mind. As for her being paranoid, well...when you are left to yourself for periods of time without your partner, sometimes your mind wanders. I know that I have done the same thing myself a few times, and I consider myself to be relatively rational.

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Psycho Dad

I can't even pretend that I would have any advice on how to handle the original topic, but that statement is the truest thing that I can imagine. I'd wager that we as a society would have far fewer problem were people to understand what they are doing by exchanging wedding vows.

Edit: And I guess I do understand why she may feel that way. One year for my birthday, my wife got me a stripper. she made all sorts of arrangements to have this happen at a bar where we were celebrating my birthday and once the girl was up there stripping down, my wife said she got to feeling sick at her stomach. so you wife was even moreso likely to get upset. I've not done a group sex activity, but I believe this is the reason so many people recomend to make certain the relationship can stand such a test. Do as others have suggested and communicate with you wife on this and try to understand her POV.

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Dale Kemp

Well, fella,

When you separate sex from commitment, you usually get a slimy mess. Seems that's what happened here.

Your wife discovered that she has trust issues when she realized you could enjoy sex with any other woman. This was because you are one who can separate sex from commitment.

I know we're all capable of fantasizing group sex and multiple partners. But when we act on those fantasies, we are playing with fire. Most likely someone will feel burned. And as the old saying goes, if you can't take the heat, get out of the oven. The next phase is she leaves your marriage, having discovered that she wants more commitment, now with someone else. Sorry chum.

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ratbastid

I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. Being married IS very different from being in a long-term relationship. But you'd have to be married to know that.

gduventree

Off-topic, but I just have to chime in here.

I am married, and I can definitely say that getting married to my wife didn't really change anything between us. I am just as devoted to her now as I was before we made our vows. I believe that it is quite possible to have a long-term relationship that is not that different from being married. It just depends on the individuals involved.

chickentribs

My own exp. - for what it is worth. There is a big difference between asking your partner what they will allow vs. what is a turn on. Talking about each other's fantasies instead of limitations gives a more realistic idea of where the relationship can venture in a comfortable space. Ask her if the sight of you with another is hot, not asking if will she allow it. You may not get to the place you want - but isn't that better than justifying after the fact?

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transient

My wife and I have shared our fantasies in this area, but have never acted on it. We do however enjoy role playing where I become the male of her choice, usually a friend of ours. Her favorite is an old boyfriend who was a very sexual person. We still socialize with them on occasion, as he was a friend of mine as well. She's never indicated a need to actually be with him again, but definately has a need to fantasize about him and have me provide a role playing partner for her. The first time, she hesitated to ask me to say and do certain things. Once we had complete understanding, it's a very arousing thing without actually having to deal with the guy for real. It may not satisfy others, but it's worked well for us and kept us out of bad situations. I think you need to spend more time getting to understand your girls actual feelings, beyond obviously what you've already discussed which seemingly wasn't enough. Good luck my friend.

Regards

ratbastid

I don't necessarily mean it changes the relationship, per se. What I mean is, standing up in front of God and everybody and making a specific promise about being with this person for the rest of your life actually has marriage be a distinctly different thing from any other sort of relationship. You can't break that promise without dealing with that you're breaking a promise. You can get out of a long-term-non-married relationship just by saying so. It takes much more to end a marriage. Once you're married, you've stuck yourself together in way that, while not permanent in all cases, promises to be permanent. You've given your word to it in a way that is socially and legally (and, if you like, religiously) binding.

That's really different from, "Here's my girlfriend, we've been together for three years."

mtnman323

wow...wish i was in those shoes... i mean just a mff threesome..sounds scrumptous

CityOfAngels

See this? --> "."
That's called a period. Use it.

CLOSE! But no cigar. See those three periods you put at the end of your mess of text? Try to spread them out throughout that big blob. Also, don't type the word period, but rather use its symbol: "."

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Suave

Ahh the helpful grammar Nazis. This is probably bad advice, but I'm going to give it anyway because it's what I would do in your situation (as far as I know). Bring up the fact that she fucked your friend in the first threesome, which I'm assuming she did, and that combined with her saying "yes", you were not to blame for the incident. Not only did she allow you to do so, she also set precedent for it.

Looks to me like she had a change of heart during your little escapade, and quite frankly, there was nothing you could do to prevent it. People do that (women more than men), and it seems you'll just have to deal with it. I already stated the way I, at this exact instant, would deal with it, but it's probably not the best for your marriage (or maybe it is). Women are crazy, and you should know that by now.

CityOfAngels

Well how would you like it if I typed like this all the time huh I mean it gets quite annoying when you have to sift through crap like this all the time ok technically you don't have to but hell we might as well post with quality if we're trying to convey a message to the masses don't you think yeah this is pretty hard to read isn't it the spelling is all correct but it's like a big rush of annoyance from a new drug called "stupid" not that I took your comment personal or anything as you did say helpful but I am in no way a grammar Nazi I just want to be able to read the posts in this forum without having to back up and re-read sentences just because a period wasn't used remember if they haven't learned it in elementary school yet that probably means they're not old enough to be on this site well heck maybe not this guy because he's talking about having threesomes but you know what I mean.

^^ I don't blame you if you didn't take the time to actually read that. I promise, it's the last time you will EVER see me type like that.

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The words "love" and "life" go together. It is almost as if they are one. You must love to live, and you must live to love, or you have never lived nor loved at all.

Redgirl

(wasn't trying to be rude- deleted my post)

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kutulu

This bullshit about grammar is toally inappropriate. There is no need for that. It's just plain rude. Nobody forces you to read a thread with grammar.

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=78116

Lockjaw

This is the exact reason why even if my significant other was just dying to provide me with the opportunity to have a FFM threesome I would never do it. I've had women freak out on me for buying them a gift after they said they wanted it(she didn't get me anything so she felt guilty), so I can imagine how bad it would be when sex was brought into play.

Suave

I read the first couple of lines. I too am a grammar Nazi, but there are some instances where you have to let the socialist inside of you into the world, so you can help those in need; even those with horrific grammar.

ICER

It's all about ground rules. The Wife and I have had many encounters. And a few times I took offence at something she did. Or vice-versa.

This lifestyle isn't for everybody, I've seen ruin more then one relationship. That's way the #1 rule with us is Communication. You have to tell the other person how you really feel. Or you’re going to get hurt.

There's an old saying at the sex club where we hang out at. "There's no such thing as cheating in an open relationship"

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Tracybrian

WeeboJok,
You have nothing to worry about. Stick to your guns. You should tell your wife to suck it up because she is making a big deal about somthing she previously agreed too. Also I find it very weird that she would be intimate with your friend in a MMF and has a problem with you getting yours in a MFF. I am sure you already talked about it before the problem is she is feeling like you enjoyed the sex with the other lady more. Did you?